Five Sisters (52 page)

After several minutes had passed and Gail was starting to feel embarrassed at her newfound weak demeanor, wishing she wasn't acting so childish and petty, she raised her head off Nathaniel and was just about to sit up when Nathaniel reached forward and brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. Although she didn't know why, Gail was suddenly frozen in place. She couldn't move but only lied silently and looked at Nathaniel, whose charcoal eyes suddenly looked like two placid lakes of water. And she began to lose herself in them. For before she could stop him, before she knew what was happening, before she could even think, Nathaniel was leaning forward and Gail's eyes closed. But as soon as their lips touched, as if she'd suddenly caught fire, Gail jumped from the bed with a shout.

"No, no, we can't," she murmured in a rush, her mind frantically searching through the millions of thoughts that were running through her head at that moment. All she could say, her voice faltering, was, "Nathaniel! Oh my God. Oh my God! Why would you do that? Why would you do that now when I . . . I-I can't believe this is happening."

Surprisingly, despite the situation and despite Gail's shocked reaction, Nathaniel seemed fairly calm as he stated, "Listen, I know that it's not easy for you with my condition and I can see how much it's upset you and I know we're always struggling but I . . . I just want you stay."

"You knew we had to separate sometime," Gail said so quickly she could barely find the words, "You'll head back to your parent's house or to the hospital for more treatments and I'll get married and move away and start a family. We could never continue this way forever. And surely you must have known that!"

"I couldn't bear heading back to my parents or to Wickensville. And I'd rather hang myself than go back to those loony doctors, you know that," said Nathaniel, his voice still not rising, "I just want us to . . . I just want us to stay together, is all."

"You want us to stay together, so you kiss me? Couldn't you have just said . . .
"

And then suddenly, without any warning, Nathaniel became enraged and shouted madly, "No! No! My God, are you that blind? I thought you were smarter than that . . . Surely you must know that for some time I . . . For Christ's sake, Gail, I'm in love with you!"

He said the words in such a harsh, angry tone that it seemed he honestly wished they weren't true. But they were. Nathaniel had never wanted to fall in love with Gail for he knew how much he already pained her and he knew how awful it must be to put up with him all the time. He knew how much she struggled with his health and how difficult it was for her to be friends with a dying man. But then again, we're all dying, aren't we? And Nathaniel didn't want to die before she knew. Even if she didn't feel the same way, which he thought would be the case, he wanted her to know.

He watched her stand still in shock, her eyes dropping and her mouth struggling for words, and waited for her to speak, though he hadn't the slightest idea what she might say.

"But . . ." Gail shook her head slowly, "But you can't be . . ." her voice broke, "We hate each other, remember?"

"Well I've always known how you feel on the matter."

"Nathaniel, I . . ."

"And don't ever try to lie to me and say you feel the same way when it's quite obvious that you don't . . . I heard everything you said tonight!" Nathaniel said bitterly, his anger mounting. He never thought he'd be so furious to hear that she didn't care for him as much as he cared for her. He knew it was coming and he'd expected the reaction, but it still hurt, "I know that you're tired of caring for and worrying about this contentious, pathetic invalid. And I've seen how greatly you desire to be free of this stuffy room. You're young and you want to go outside and enjoy the fresh air with your sisters and not have to push around poor ol' Nathaniel West in his wheelchair. I'm holding you back and you can't stand it anymore! Yesterday, you were
dying
to join in the snowball fight. Don't try to deny it, Gail, because I know it's true! And I was the only thing standing in your way. So I'm sorry if I'm standing in the way of your goddam perfect plans! Don't let me worry you any further. I'll head back to Wickensville in the morning!"

"You're not in love with me, Nathaniel! You only think that you are because I'm the only person
whose
ever cared about you! Your heart's far stronger than your head and if you'd stop and think for a moment . . ."

"I've thought about it for weeks! And it's not because you're the only person who's ever cared for me!"

"Besides nurses and my sisters you've never even met any other young women! Who's to say that if Emy, instead of me, had spent all her time aboard the ship with you, you wouldn't have fallen in love with her instead?
Or Nora?
Or Sara?"

"Who's to say? I say! I'm not a fool, Gail, and I'm not naïve and my heart hasn't run away from me! I know what I'm saying and I know I speak the truth!"

"Stop yelling or you'll end up hurting yourself!"

"But of course you wouldn't mind, would you? You're tired of thinking of me and you wouldn't give a damn if I died this very instant!"

"I never said that!"

By this point both were fuming.

Nathaniel was angry at himself for admitting he loved her, angry at her for not returning his adoration, and angry that he couldn't jump from his bed, push her from his room, and slam the door in her face. And Gail, quite simply, was angry with Nathaniel for being in love with her. Besides the fact that she was quite sure he only loved her because she was really the only girl he'd ever known and who'd ever cared for him, she was also angry because the situation wasn't matching up with the way she'd always thought her life would play out. She'd always imagined that Nathaniel, though staying a dear friend and writing her many letters, would travel back to his parent's home and
live
there for however long his life would last him. And Gail herself, staying with the Lindsey's for a few years, would find a suitable husband, a kind, spirited man like
herself
, marry him, move away to a quaint little cottage, and have a child or two. She never could have fathomed that Nathaniel would disrupt all these plans to tell her that he loved her, much less scream it at her as though admitting a sin.

But despite all this, she didn't want him to leave so soon either. She wanted things to stay as they were and for Nathaniel to reside in the Lindsey's home for a few weeks longer so he could enjoy the holiday season in someplace other than a bleak hospital room. In fact, she rather wished he'd stay for a few months longer. If only they could forget this had ever happened and continue on as they always had.

"Err . . !" Nathaniel slammed his fists upon the bed, frustrated beyond belief but unable to express his fury in such a pathetically weak body, "It's true! You
wouldn't
care if I died! I know you wouldn't! I don't fit into your silly, idealistic plans so you'd rather I was just wiped out this very instant! And frankly, I wouldn't mind either. What am I living for? Honestly! I'm not living to yell at foolish doctors or to be taken care of by frivolous, worrying nurses! And I'm sure as hell not living for my family!
Honestly!
What am I living for anymore?"

"Nathaniel . . ."

"I might as well just overdose, swallow a handful of those pills, and kill myself right now! Suicide is a most appealing option when you consider . . ."

"You're talking like a lunatic! You could never kill yourself, you know that!"

"No, Gail! No, actually I don't! I don't see why I couldn't! It'd all be over in a matter of minutes and it couldn't be any more painful then all the misery I've gone through in the past!"

"Nathaniel!"

"Although I do like this constant game of
'How Long Till Nathaniel West Croaks
?'!
We've gotten through nineteen years so far, let's see if I can make another five!"

"Who's to say you shan't live till you're eighty?"

"I'm not daft enough to even consider a life beyond thirty!"

"You can't just give up so easily! You can't just let all this
go
to waste!"

"Why should you care? You don't give a damn about me!"

"But I do!"

"Gail!" Nathaniel shouted her name at the top of his lungs, his voice growing hoarse by this time. Letting out a huge breath and lowering his voice a bit, he said as calmly and rationally as he could manage, "I hope you have a goddam merry Christmas and a happy New Year too, Gail St. James. But I'm not staying. I can't be here anymore."

"But I want you to stay!"

Nathanel's fury returned, "No you don't, Gail! Stop lying!"

"I'm not lying!"

"You are! You feel sorry for me! You think I'm poor and pitiful and you feel bad letting . . ."

"I want you to stay and that's the truth!" Gail shouted, "I'm sorry if you don't believe it but
it's
true! And if you'd rather go back to the hospital than stay here then that's your choice! But I've asked you to stay and you needn't let your pride get in the way of accepting the offer! Why would you spend your holidays in a desolate hospital room when the Lindseys would be happy to let you stay here for as long as you like? I'm not in love with you, Nathaniel, and you know that! I wouldn't lie to you! But I do care for you, despite what you may think, and I do wish you would stay!"

"Jesus Christ! Stop feeling sorry for me, Gail! I've spent my holidays alone for years so this one would be no different!"

"But if you had the chance, wouldn't you rather . . ."

"I'd rather not feel as if I was invading on the privacy of this family because everyone in it looks at me with pity in their eyes!"

"What do you expect? What do you want us to do? It's a natural, human reaction to feel sorry for someone who's sick, especially someone as sick as you! I'm sorry if you don't like it but that's life! You should be used to it by now after all these years!"

"That doesn't mean I have to like it!"

"Why can't you just accept our kindness and be happy!"

"Because you don't know what it's like! You don't know what it's like when everyone feels sorry for you!"

"Nathaniel, please!"

"I'm sick and tired of this! I'll hire a hack in the morning and be out of your way once and for all! Tell the Lindseys I appreciate all they've done but I can't stay here any longer. I'm ruining everyone's holiday, despite what they assure me, and I'm leaving!"

"My God, Nathaniel!"

Gail, her fists clenched, kicked the frame of the doorway and began to walk the length of the room breathing quickly. But then all at once a sudden thought hit her, and she froze in place, nearly choked by it.

As Nathaniel continued to rant, his voice was lost on her. Her mind was running so quickly it wasn't able to take in his words anymore. For she'd realized, in that very instant, that she'd been lying earlier. And the overwhelming shock of this realization struck her senseless.

"For Christ's sake," Nathaniel groaned, seeing her look of surprise, "What the hell's wrong now?"

"I was lying."

"I know you were lying! You wouldn't care if I . . ."