Five Television Plays (David Mamet) (2 page)

W
INNIE:
I don't have a lawyer, why should . . . What's going on here? (
Pause.
) Come on, I have to catch a
bus.
(
Pause.
)

J
UDGE:
You are accused by the Congressman here (C
ONGRESSMAN
stands
) of, in simple terms, of lying about him in such a way as to damage his reputation.

W
INNIE:
Ah.

J
UDGE:
When you said that he stole your tip.

W
INNIE:
He
did
steal my tip.

J
UDGE:
The court will now appoint you a lawyer.

W
INNIE:
I don't need a lawyer, I don't
want
one. Let's settle this here and now, ‘cause I'm on my vacation time, alright? You tell me how you want to do this, and let's get this done.

J
UDGE:
You wish to act as your own lawyer?

W
INNIE:
That's . . . okay. (
Pause.
) Okay.

J
UDGE:
You're making a mistake.

W
INNIE:
I've made them before. Nothing to be scared of, now: what is the thing?

D
OUG:
Mom, what's going on . . . ?

(W
INNIE
and
D
OUG
hold a whispered consultation while the
B
AILIFF
and the
J
UDGE
sing about the charge and the procedure in this case. They are joined by the
L
AWYER
for the
C
ONGRESSMAN
and the
C
ONGRESSMAN,
who sing about her heinous behavior and the grave damage that has been done. They stop. Pause.
)

W
INNIE:
Now what?

J
UDGE:
You may present your case.

W
INNIE:
It's my turn to speak?

J
UDGE:
Yes.

W
INNIE
(
sings
):

Let me preface my remarks by saying

that I have to catch a bus

Because I am enroute to Yellowstone Park

Where, my son and I are taking

a long-planned vacation

In the wilds of this great land.

I am a simple kind of gal which is to say

I'm just as complex as the rest of us here but

there are some basic things that I believe in

one of which is

that we are entitled to a just pay

for the work that we do

in my case a waitress

which is to say that I work for tips.

Okay?

My salary is directly tied to this one thing:

my ability to
please,
which is to say, to make comfortable

the
patrons
of my restaurant, who have come out to eat.

The first rule of which is:

THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

Which rule I do adhere to.

IN THIS CASE HOWEVER. ONE:

The man performed a criminal act . . .

C
ONGRESSMAN:
. . . I DID NOT.

W
INNIE:
AND I asked him . . .

L
AWYER:
What was that act?

W
INNIE:
He stole my tip.

L
AWYER:
I rest my case.

W
INNIE:
I asked him to replace it. He did not, and two: I called upon the customers to help me out. That's the beginning and the end, and that is what occurred. Now; are we free to leave?

D
OUG:
Can we go now?

(
End of song.
)

J
UDGE:
Can you prove that he took your tip?

W
INNIE:
No
.

J
UDGE:
You can not?

W
INNIE:
No
.
The only proof is that I saw him.

J
UDGE:
We will now consider this case.

D
OUG:
Mom, do we have time to make the bus . . . ?

W
INNIE
(
simultaneously with “bus"
): Just barely. If he does this quick.

J
UDGE:
Here are my feelings: this has gotten out of hand. I think it can be settled quickly. (
Pause.
) As we all have better things to do. (
Pause.
) I think that a simple apology will suffice.

W
INNIE:
I'll accept that. Your Honor. I notice that you didn't say that he had to
give
back my tip. There is a principle involved, but I am willing to forget that, in the interest of getting out of town . . . (
To
D
OUG,
as she checks her watch:
) Okay, let's go, we can just make it . . . (
They walk toward the courtroom doors carrying their rucksacks.
) And I will
waive that principle and accept the Congressman's sincere apology. Also, he has to say he'll never do it again.

J
UDGE:
You misunderstand me.
You'll
have to apologize to
him.

(
Pause.
)

W
INNIE:
I . . .
what?

J
UDGE:
You
will have to . . .

W
INNIE:
I
. . . ?

J
UDGE:
Apologize to the Congressman.

(
Pause.
)

W
INNIE:
For
what?

J
UDGE:
For maligning his reputation.

W
INNIE:
HE STOLE MY
TIP.

J
UDGE:
We have no way of knowing
what
he might have done, except your word. His reputation, which is a weighty thing, is at stake, and rather than
prolong
this, and to allow you to catch your bus, if you will just state that you . . .
could
have made a mistake . . .

L
AWYER:
I OBJECT.

J
UDGE:
Excuse me: if you will just say that you
could
have made a mistake, this case will be closed and you can go to Yellowstone.

(
Pause.
)

W
INNIE:
You want me to say he didn't steal my tip. (
Pause.
) I do that and we can go.

J
UDGE:
Yes.

W
INNIE:
What if I don't say that?

J
UDGE:
You will go to jail.

W
INNIE:
Hmm.

(
Pause.
)

J
UDGE:
The choice is yours. What do you choose to do? And I would remind you that you have but five minutes to catch your bus.

W
INNIE:
Well. This would seem to be the crux of the whole matter here.

R
ANGER:
I would say so.

W
INNIE
(
to
D
OUG):
Whaddya think, kid? This guy stole my tip, and if I lie about it we can go free, if not . . . it's, it's your
trip,
you tell mmm . . . naa, that's
ridiculous.
What am I going to do? Teach my kid his mom's a liar for the sake of
expediency?

L
AWYER:
He wants to go camping.

W
INNIE:
So he won't go camping. That's not under my control, and I never promised him that I was
superman,
all that I told him was I'd tell the truth.

J
UDGE:
And so?

W
INNIE:
Take me to jail and be damned with you. He stole my tip. (
She is led from the courtroom, amidst catcalls.
)

C
ONGRESSMAN:
What kind of a mother are you?

L
AWYER:
You're going to be a convict . . .

W
INNIE:
Hey, I'd rather be me than
you.

B
AILIFF:
You promised the child you'd take him camping.

D
OUG:
Mama!

W
INNIE:
Well, there's nothing we can do about it . . .

R
ANGER:
And so Winnie was taken to the jail, and they took her picture and her fingerprints, and they gave her a uniform and put her in a cell.

(
In the cell. With another
C
ONVICT.)

C
ONVICT:
You want to play gin?

W
INNIE:
Don't bother me.

R
ANGER:
And she was full of longing for her son, whom she missed. And she worried about him. And she thought about him.

(W
INNIE
sings a song about how incredibly difficult it is to bring up children. And how hard it is to live your life according to first principles. The song ends.
)

C
ONVICT:
The first night is the hardest.

W
INNIE:
I'm sure that's true.

C
ONVICT:
It
is
true. (
Pause.
) How long are you in for?

W
INNIE:
I don't know. ‘Til I apologize. (
Sighs.
) And we were supposed to be camped out beneath the stars. (
Pause.
) How long are
you
in for?

C
ONVICT:
Can you keep a secret?

W
INNIE:
No
.
(
Pause.
)

C
ONVICT:
What's
that
supposed to mean?

W
INNIE:
Nobody can keep a secret. If you don't want me to know your business don't tell it to me.

C
ONVICT:
We're breaking out.

W
INNIE:
What does that mean?

C
ONVICT:
We're breaking out of jail tonight.

W
INNIE:
Swell.

(
There is a huge explosion, and the prison wall collapses. All the
C
ONVICTS
run. She finds herself among them.
)

G
UARD:
Stop! Stop!

W
INNIE:
Look, I just, I was just sitting in my
cell. . .

(
The
G
UARD
fires at her.
)

W
INNIE:
Oh gosh . . . ! (
She runs.
)

R
ANGER:
And so Winnie ran from the prison, along with the other convicts. And she wandered in the dark corners of the streets. And she found herself at home.

(
Outside her apartment. Her son, listening to the radio.
)

A
NNOUNCER
(
voice over
): And now a medley of Songs That You Love To Dream Along With. From the Fantasy Ballroom.

(
Old-time music begins to play.
W
INNIE
goes inside.
)

D
OUG:
Mama! (
They embrace.
) Mama! I knew that you'd come home. I knew that you'd come home!!!

W
INNIE:
How are you, Sweetie?

D
OUG:
I knew that you'd come back. I knew they'd let you out. So we could go
camping.

W
INNIE:
Doug,
look:
I, uh . . . I don't think we can . . .

A
NNOUNCER
(
voice over
): We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Inmates from the Women's Correctional Institute escaped tonight in a mass breakout, wounding five guards in the attempt. Considered armed and dangerous, be on the lookout for . . .

(
She turns off the radio.
)

W
INNIE
(
pause
): Um . . .

D
OUG:
I'll just get my pack. (
He checks bus schedule.
) And we can catch a bus at . . .

W
INNIE:
. . . Doug . . .

D
OUG:
We can catch the one forty-five
A.M.
bus. And tomorrow! . . . Tomorrow . . . that's right: Yellowstone P . . .

W
INNIE:
Doug . . . (
Pause.
) Hm. Get your pack.

R
ANGER:
They disguised themselves, and got on the bus bound for Yellowstone.

(
On the bus. In wigs, and so on.
)

D
OUG:
Will everything be alright?

W
INNIE:
Everything is never alright; but the thing of it is you never have to worry about “everything.” And, for the moment, what we're going to do is just go camping. Now you go to sleep.

(
He goes to sleep, as she sings him a song about Yellowstone, a lullaby, featuring the admonition not to feed the bears, and to look out not to miss Old Faithful.
)

R
ANGER:
The bus sped West, and they fell asleep rocked to the rhythm of the bus.

(W
INNIE
is suddenly awake. To
B
US
D
RIVER.)

W
INNIE:
Why are we slowing down?

D
RIVER:
There's something up ahead. It's a roadblock.

(
The lights come on in the bus.
S
TATE
T
ROOPERS
enter.
)

T
ROOPER:
Would everyone please keep their seats.

(
They start down the aisle, looking at a picture and at the passengers.
)

D
RIVER:
What's the trouble?

T
ROOPER:
We're looking for some Escaped Convicts . . .

D
OUG:
What are we going to do?

W
INNIE:
Be calm.

D
OUG:
How can I, how can I be calm? They're going to Take you Away.