Fix Up (5 page)

He brings a hand to my chest, and I find myself cursing the thin cloth preventing any skin contact. He pinches my sensitive nipple through the fabric causing me to moan very loudly. I'm pretty sure the occupants of the rooms next door can hear me, hear us, but at that very moment all I can think is,
Duke touching me. This  feels so good
.

"Fuck, Skye. I want you so fucking much," he groans into my neck, his fast breathing tickling the hot skin of my neck.

"I want you too. Please ..."

He freezes above me, his hand still on my breast. He puts his other hand on the bed and braces himself above me, putting some space between us so we're looking at each other. His eyes are burning with desire and love, his lips are swollen from our kisses and he is still breathing loud and fast. Just like me.

"It's too soon, Skye. You know that."

I feel a frown replacing the awestruck expression on my face. "Then what was this?"

"Me acting like an idiot with my girlfriend," he replies without missing a beat. He kisses me on the forehead and lies beside me on his side. "But seriously, don't wait too long to talk about that son of a bitch with your psychologist because I don't know how long I can wait before making love to you all night long again." He tugs down at the hem of my tee-shirt which rode a little high. "It's driving me completely crazy to think about being inside you again."

I feel my face getting hotter than it already is. "You can't talk like that."

“Why’s that? Don't you remember that time when I told you that if we're on board to get more physical together, to truly be together, I wouldn’t censor myself?"

"Yes, but I thought you were exaggerating like guys often do." I bring both hands to my burning cheeks and hear him chuckle. He's always laughing when I'm embarrassed.

"I like dirty talk and you know it. Whenever you're a little brazen, I lose control."

"Is it the key for us to have sex again?"

"Would you do it just for that?"

"Don't underestimate the effect you have on me and my libido, Duke."

"Now we should really sleep before it gets out of hand."

"You started it!"

"I know." He smiles mischievously and gives me a quick kiss on the lips before he opens his arms for me to crawl against him. "I love you."

My heart does a cartwheel in my chest, and my stomach flutters. I'm smiling like a lovesick idiot against his chest. "I love you, too."

We do have a lot of work to do to be a real functional couple that will last, but when in moments like this one, I feel like nothing can come between us. But once I close my eyes, listen to his heart beating and feel the thin necklace under my fingertips, doubts are crawling back in, tainting everything inside of me.

*  *  *

DUKE

I let Skye finger the necklace, and for once I don’t feel the twinge of pain hit me. Sure, I still miss Juliet a lot, I think about her daily, but it’s different now. I’d do anything to have her still in my life and breathing, but I can’t imagine never feeling the way Skye makes me feel. Yet, Skye is still bothered by my past. I can understand that.

And as usual, I take the easy way out and say nothing. I listen closely to her breathing getting slower, deeper until her hand settles over my heart, only beating for her. I kiss the top of her head and will my body to settle down for the night. Trying to forget about how much I’m craving Skye, how much I want to be inside her tight body again ... Fuck! Just thinking about the way her voice gets deeper when aroused ...

I sigh and tighten my arms around her slender body. I can’t let my desire get the better of me. It’d be a mistake, too soon for the both of us. I can’t help but imagine Sean assaulting her, and it makes me sick. He touched her against her will; he touched her and forced himself on her! How can I touch her the way she deserves? How can I touch her to make her forget everything after what happened?

There’s no manual, nothing written that could help me, help us. So, maybe I’m the one who needs to talk about this because it’s blatantly obvious that I have an issue here. I’m afraid of having sex with my girlfriend.

Up until now, I’ve never been so deep in lust for a woman.

Once again, sleep doesn’t come as I watch the minutes, the hours passing with that one woman who holds so much power over me in my arms, peacefully sleeping. Loving her is confusing, and it makes me afraid of myself and what I can do—because I can break us both.

*  *  *

SKYE

"How is it going since the last time, Skye?" Dr. Marshall asks me as soon as I'm in the chair in front of his desk. His pen and notebook are all ready to take some notes. It still makes me uneasy to think about his synopsis of me and the conclusion he makes. I suppose it's common to all the patients.

"It's good, I guess." I shrug and offer a little smile.

Today he's only wearing a white shirt with rolled sleeves above his elbows and navy blue slacks. I can't help myself but compare his forearms to Duke's more muscular and tattooed ones. It's really different.

His clear blue eyes look down at his arms with a frown, but he doesn't ask anything. I'm relieved because I don't know how I'd explain that I'm comparing him to Duke, my boyfriend. Somehow, it feels wrong.

"Did you talk with your boyfriend?" he asks without looking at me but down at his notebook, which I find odd. When he asks me something, he always looks at me. It's a way to observe the body language of a patient, things the patient doesn't need to put into words, but that the psychologist understands and can keep track of. Maybe he's not having a good day. I bet it's awful to feel down on yourself and have to go to your office to hear about others’ problems all day long.

"You know, if you prefer we can reschedule this session."

He looks up at me, his blond eyebrows up high on his forehead. "Why? Is there something wrong?"

I scrunch up my nose, shrug and wave at him. "You don't seem like you want to hear about it."

He shakes his head. "Of course I want to hear about everything. I was just a little ... distracted. Yeah, distracted." He nods repeatedly like he's trying to convince me.

"Well, I don't want to be rude, but you're acting weird today, Dr. Marshall. I can understand if you’re having an off day."

He puts down his pen and massages his temples, eyes closed. Am I that annoying as a patient? I thought it worked out well, but maybe I'm exhausting. And again I think it's my fault even when it's probably not even about me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not self-centered. I sure act that way even if it's more about my fear of inadequacy slash social awkwardness than anything else.

"That's not it, Skye. I truly want to know what happened during the last couple of days, but if you want to talk about something else to start with, you know we can do that." His voice is calm, sincere and genuinely soft to my ears. He never really puts any pressure on me to talk, and yet his words always make me want to say more than I first intended. He's really talented in his work. I see more and more why his colleagues—and family members―thought it would be a good idea for him to take on my case. So far so good, even if the subjects are anything but good, more along the line of painful.

I nod and entwine my fingers tightly over my knees. "It's better between Duke and me. We talked a little, but it was difficult."

"Why do you think it was difficult?" he asks me, now all professional and almost with a hint of distance, something I never gathered from our previous appointments. Maybe it's just another trick of my mind.

"Because we're both afraid, even if it’s for different reasons." I shrug. "I guess that's when you ask me to explain."

He chuckles, his cheeks immediately taking a rosy color. "You know the drill now."

I bite my lower lip, my eyes not focusing as I remember Duke’s and my moment. Here in this office I feel not of this world, like I'm in some kind of neutral place, another dimension. I can analyze and even understand with a clear mind things I usually only see and react to with my emotions and fears. "I'm afraid he'll be disgusted now that Sean sort of tainted me. I never truly understood before what rape or sexually assaulted victims meant by that, but now I really understand. It's like I'm afraid Duke won't see my body as desirable as before because someone else claimed it which I was unable to defend. And I'm afraid he'll always think about Sean when we are intimate again."

"That's a good start, Skye. You know it's normal to feel this way and that you're not alone. You have to take some time to feel good in your own skin to be ready to be with a man. It's not really about trust, but more about your ability to make peace with your sexuality and intimacy."

We look at each other, and it bothers me that I’m unable to read his clear blue eyes. They're striking, but too extraordinary to be able to decipher them. I don't know how long we hold our gaze, but at one point I blink and the weird tension disappears. I cross my arms over my chest and then realize what I'm doing. I don't have to protect myself in here. I'm in a safe zone. I force my arms to fall back on the arms of the chair and sigh.

"But I think I'm fine with this aspect of my relationship with Duke. We almost ..." I stop in my sentence and feel my cheeks burn bright. It's weird to talk about my sex life with Kate, but it's epically weird to talk about it with a man I know nothing about besides his last name. "We almost ...
you know
."

He clears his throat, squirms once on his large leather chair and nods. "And why didn't you?"

"Because he stopped. He told me about what he’s afriad of. He's afraid to pressure me to do anything I don't want to or to go too fast for me and ruin the efforts I'm making to get better."

He writes something and puts both of his palms down on his desk. He looks exactly like my psychology professor when he's about to tell us something very important for us to remember. Maybe it's a trick you learn when you study for your PhD.

"Don't you think it means he cares deeply about you?"

I make a face and arch an eyebrow. "That's all you have to say? You ask me another question? Can you have, I don't know, some reassuring words?"

"All right, I can do that." He crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair. "Duke is in love with you. He fell in love with you when you were both feeling very low. He was still suffering, and he was overwhelmed by you and what you were bringing in his otherwise dark life. He knew what you were going through. He knew you were already dealing with tough things in your life. You had a hard time just fighting for yourself, for your happiness instead of simply going day after day without doing anything to improve your life. So think about how he sees things today after what Sean did to you. It's worse, and he knows it takes time to move on. And you told me he's an assistant in your psychology class, so he knows more about it than you do. He studied cases like yours, and even if it was just on paper, he knows how bad it can turn out if the people close to you do something to trigger a bad emotion. Everything can go awry really fast, Skye. That's why he wants to take it slow, for you and for him because he's trying to protect you both."

"How come, when you say it, I can accept it better than when he says it?"

"Maybe because you've got some other kind of trust in me than you have with him. It's different. We've got a professional relationship, where you're involved with Duke. You can't compare it because in your mind you tell yourself that I have nothing to win by lying when Duke could lie to protect you."

I cock my head on one side and nod. It's all very logical and way less crazy sounding when he says it. If only I could see Dr. Marshall everyday as soon as my mind starts turning in circles or making up nonexistent obstacles. It would be easier.

"Is it always like this with your patients?"

"Like what?" he asks me distractedly as he's writing something fast, his knuckles turning white with his death grip on the pen.

"I don't know, like a talk between friends, but not." I shake my head, feeling stupid. My back and shoulders are killing me. The tension I feel there is awful.

"No, but it depends on the patients. Some prefer to be called by their last name, others by a nickname and others barely want to hear me say a word. It depends on their needs and personality."

So, it is different between us. I mean, it's not common to be so ... familiar. I feel relieved, like it eases some of my fears, but it's irrational because I know Dr. Marshall is not only seeing me. He would never be able to afford anything in Seattle if he was only working with me. It's really weirding me out all of a sudden.

"I had a nightmare about Sean," I blurt out without even thinking. His head shoots up, and he lays his pen and notebook on his desk to focus all his attention on me. Now, I just have to go all in because I know he won't just let me dodge his questions for the next forty minutes of the session. "It was just before the police rescued me. I could feel his hands on me and even hear his breathing. I woke up suddenly and I was sweating like I just ran in the midday sun in August."