Fix You (10 page)

“If you’re going to be an asshole about it, what I really
want is a cup of tea. But you’re American, so I decided to go easy on you.”

“I have tea.”

“I don’t believe you.” She placed her hands on her hips, a
small smile flashing across her face as his eyebrows raised. Her expression
screamed “bring it on.”

“I have teabags, I have milk, and I even have a teapot
somewhere. My stepmother is an anglophile, Hanna. So, would you like a cup of
tea?”

Instead of moving toward the kitchen, he took a step
forward, that crooked half-grin still plastered across his face. He reached out
to touch her on her upper arm. His finger traced a line of fire from her
shoulder to her elbow, the softness of his touch sending a shiver all the way
down to the base of her spine.

“I think I’ll have a cup of tea later.”

“Really?” He closed the gap between them, his body just
inches from hers. His hand moved around to the small of her back, and he placed
it flat against her, the warmth of his palm seeping through the thin material
of her dress. For a moment they both stood there, unmoving, and Hanna could
feel her body start to hum in reaction to his proximity. Lifting her head up,
she looked straight into his eyes, unsure whether she was challenging him or
begging him.

“Yes.” She wasn’t sure whether she was replying to his
question, or just urging him on.

Everything felt different, and everything felt the same. He
was her old friend; someone she had laughed with, and played with. But the
Richard standing in front of her was all man. And that suit, oh God that suit;
when she first set eyes on him as he walked into the restaurant earlier that
day, it was like her whole body had been lit on fire. She was stuck somewhere
between familiarity and discomposure, feeling strangely anxious and yet knowing
that no matter what happened, she wouldn’t regret this.

“Are you sure?” His hand pulled her toward him, closing the
gap, until her chest was just touching his abdomen, the rest of her body barely
skimming his. She couldn’t see his face, her eyes reaching only up to the dip
in the base of his neck, slightly exposed by the unbuttoned crisp collar of his
white shirt.

“Absolutely.”

She wanted to bury herself in his skin, inhale his scent.
She softly pressed her lips to the exposed part of his chest. She kissed him
harder, sucking gently at his skin, letting her tongue drag its way along the
soft dip under his collar.

“Hanna.” His voice cracked, and he placed his thumb under
her chin, pulling her face up as he bent down, until they met in the middle.
She placed her hands on his shoulders, her fingers splaying across the white of
his shirt, using him as leverage to bridge the final gap between his lips and
hers.

When there was only a millimeter between them, she felt him
sigh against her. He crushed his mouth to hers, any gentleness forgotten in the
need to touch, to taste, to consume. His hand pressed hard against the back of
her head, pulling her closer until their teeth were almost scraping together,
her mouth opening as soon as she felt the tip of his tongue running along her
lip.

She brushed her hand against his cheek, touching the soft
emerging stubble peppering his skin. Her mind was feverish as she pushed her
body against his, wanting to feel his reaction, hoping that he was as aroused
as she was.

“Jesus.” He pulled his lips away from hers, leaning back so
he had a clear line of sight to her face. His hand was still cupping her head
as he stared down at her, the intensity in his eyes making her feel breathless.
“Hanna, this is just…” He shook his head, unable to articulate his thoughts.

She felt the need to justify herself. “I know we shouldn’t
do this. And I know that you probably think I’m on some kind of rebound from
Josh. But I’ve been thinking about this all day, and he was just a rebound from
you—”

“Would you shut up about Josh when I’m trying to seduce you?”

“Sorry.” Hanna inwardly kicked herself, wondering what the
hell she was thinking even mentioning his name. If Richard had mentioned an ex
in this situation, she’d be hopping mad.

“Come back here.” He moved his hands around and grabbed both
of hers, walking backward toward the couch as he pulled her, the smile still
playing around his lips. Hanna padded softly across the bare wooden floor, and
then came to a stop as he lay down on the couch, pulling her on top of him.

She had to hitch her dress up to be able to place her legs
on either side of his hips, and suddenly she realized that she was in control.
Richard was lying beneath, staring up at her, waiting for her to make her move.
She loved that he was ready to let her set the pace, to cede the decision to
her.

Sitting back, she undid his buttons one by one; each time
pulling at his until his whole chest was revealed. Sliding her hand down his
abdomen, she could feel the hard muscles, then the ribbing of his stomach as he
tensed beneath her touch. He was breathing rapidly, his body moving up and down
under her hand as she dragged her finger down his happy trail until she reached
the buckle of his belt.

“May I?” She glanced up at him, catching his eyes as he
looked up at her. He reached out and grabbed her wrist, his fingers curling
around it as he halted her progression.

“Wait.” He pushed himself up until he was sitting, his face
close to hers. “I want to see you first.” He pulled at the hem of her dress,
and she lifted herself up as he dragged it up her stomach, and over her arms,
until she was left straddling him, clad only in her bra and panties.

A strangled moan escaped from his lips. He moved his arms
around her, unclasping her bra. Shrugging his shirt off, he threw it to the
floor along with her dress. He took her hands and pulled her up against him
until their bare chests were touching. Flesh against flesh, the sensation of
his body on hers caused her nipples to harden. He moved his lips to her breasts,
sucking at each in turn, flicking his tongue over them until she began to sigh.

She was fumbling at his buckle again, this time managing to
get it undone before she grasped at the button on his fly, her fingers shaking
as she tried to undo it. She could feel him smile against her skin as his hands
moved down to help her, easily unfastening his pants and shucking them off his
legs.

Moving back on top, he aligned his body with hers, and she
could feel the prominent ridge of his erection through the fabric of their
underwear as he rocked against her. At that moment all she could think of was
the need to feel him inside of her.

“Richard please…”

She was rotating her hips against him, and he bent down to
kiss her again. His right hand moved underneath her behind to cup it, to grind
against her some more. “I need to—”

“Soon.”

He moved his lips down to a place on her neck, just beneath
her jaw. It was so sensitive that she nearly squealed in delight. “Let me take
care of you.”

Sitting back on his knees, he dragged his hands along the
side of her body until he reached her panties, hooking his thumbs through them
and pulling them down. As soon as they were off, he grasped her legs and pulled
her toward him, his lips brushing against her inner thighs as he moved them up,
until he could start to kiss and lick at her, making Hanna squirm at his touch.
Letting her head fall back, she moved her hand down, her fingers tangling in
his soft, thick hair as she felt him hum against her, the pleasure of the
vibrations shooting through her core.

Just as he was bringing her to the edge, he pulled his mouth
away, and through her half shut eyes she watched him lean down to grab a condom
from the pocket of his discarded pants, and roll it on. Moving back to her, he
aligned their bodies until he entered her with one smooth thrust of his hips,
the sudden feeling of fullness causing her to tip over, her whole body
stiffening in response to her orgasm. Her back arched against him as he held
her close, kissing her madly as she gasped into his mouth.

“Fuuucckk.” That was Richard, because Hanna’s mind was so
full she was finding it hard to remember her own name, let alone articulate any
words.

“Sweetheart, are you ready?” he asked.

She nodded, unable to speak. Letting her fall back on the
couch, he grasped her hips, his fingers digging into the soft skin as he
started to move inside her, his lips never leaving hers, each move punctuated
by a soft pant that made Hanna’s heart thud.

She moved her arms around him, hands clasping his ass,
feeling the muscles flexing as he moved. She begged him to move faster, harder,
as she pulled him against her. He was getting breathless, pulling his mouth
away from her, to gasp for air. She got a good look at his expression, his
green eyes dark with lust, his face betraying the pleasure he was feeling. Her
body was still tingling, little bursts of ecstasy shooting down to her feet,
making her toes curl in reaction.

“God, Hanna, I’m going to—”

“I want to feel you come.” Her words were just a whisper,
but she wanted him to have it all, to feel as good as he’d made her feel. His
movements became erratic and harsh, until he suddenly stopped, a deep moan
releasing from his mouth. Crashing his weight down on hers, he kissed her hard
as he thrust a couple more times.

Hanna held him tightly, unwilling to let him go, to let him
withdraw from her when she was feeling so raw. As if he understood her
vulnerability, he began to move his lips against her face, her neck, whispering
sweet words as they slowly came back to reality. She ran her fingertips up and
down his spine, loving the feeling of his body on hers, not caring that he was
crushing her. She felt him slowly pull out of her, his lips still on her skin,
his hand moving down to protect the condom.

“I need to take care of this.” He stood up, moving over to a
door on the other side of the apartment that she could only assume led to the
bathroom. Alone on his couch, she was aware of her nakedness, but couldn’t
bring herself to put on her underwear and dress. She was unwilling to admit the
evening was over. Instead she plucked his shirt from the pile of discarded
clothes, slipping her arms into it and doing up a couple of buttons to maintain
some semblance of modesty. The bathroom door clicked, and she looked up to see
Richard approaching, a small white towel wrapped around his hips, a smile
playing on his lips as his eyes darkened in response to her clothing.

“Nice shirt.”

“Thank you. Nice towel.”

“Thanks.” He was in front of her, pulling her up until she
was firmly in his arms, his body cradling hers as he hugged her. He buried his
face in her hair, and he mumbled, “I’ll go get you that cup of tea now.”

Ten

February 2
^nd
2004

“
W
e seem to have all of our most romantic
moments at airports.” Hanna buried her face in Richard’s shirt, her wet eyes
mixing with her mascara until there was an inky stain on the white cotton.

“Not quite all,” he drawled, bringing his lips to hers. He
brushed them softly, as he wiped away the moistness around her eyes. “I seem to
remember that last night was pretty romantic.”

Hanna laughed. “You seem to be getting mixed up between
romance and sex. The two aren’t mutually inclusive.”

“For us, they are.”

He kissed her again, this time without restraint, and her
knees started to shake at the onslaught. The fact they were making a scene in
the middle of Heathrow Airport didn’t matter. Every few weeks they had to go through
this parting, and it hadn’t become any easier. As time passed, she was finding
it hard to remember exactly why she was so opposed to moving to New York.

Then something would happen to bring her back to reality.
Like the time he formally introduced her to his mother, and she received a very
pointed cold shoulder. At those moments, she realized she really wasn’t cut out
for life in Manhattan. The only part of New York she wanted to have anywhere
near her was Richard.

His kisses were getting more demanding, and she felt him
drop his bag and move his hands to her waist. His fingers dug in to her soft
skin as he squeezed her through her black t-shirt, trailing his lips from her
mouth to her neck. Her head dropped back, allowing him access to the sensitive
flesh of her throat.

“If we’re not careful I’m going to end up doing a Justin on
you,” he murmured. The previous night they had watched the Super Bowl and had
both been in fits of giggles when Justin Timberlake had pulled Janet Jackson’s
top down to reveal her nipple.

“If you don’t stop kissing me there, I’m going to let you.”

“You know, I’ve never watched football in the middle of the
night before, but it had its advantages.” The sensation of his smile against
her flesh told her he was remembering the way they made their own half time
entertainment. And it didn’t involve nipple piercings.

“You’re going to be late,” her voice was still breathy.

“I know.” His hands were moving down her hips, back to cup
her behind as she felt him responding to their embrace. It took every ounce of
willpower she had to put her hands up and push him away.

“It’s going to take you forever to get through security.”
She gestured over at the long queue of travellers, snaking around the airport. “Even
American Airlines won’t wait for you if you’re late.”

Richard smirked and she narrowed her eyes at him, moving her
hands in a shooing motion.

“I’ll call you from the lounge, okay?” He placed a kiss on
her nose.

“And from the runway, then from JFK, your car, and your
apartment…” she teased.

He leaned down and kissed her one last time. “I’ll see you
in a month, okay?”

“I’m counting the hours.”

“You don’t have to count anything. Come with me now.” He
said it every single time.

“I can’t.”

“There’s no such thing as can’t, baby. Just won’t.”

“Then move to London.” She was smiling through the tears,
the familiarity of their interchange somehow grounding her.

“I want to—”

“But you can’t.” She finished his sentence for him and
kissed his cheek one last time. “We’ll work it out somehow.”

“We’ll have to because this is killing me.” He bent down to
pick up his bag, noticing the black mascara stain on his shirt for the first
time. His eyebrows rose as he looked at her pointedly.

“What?” She tried to look innocent, but the smile couldn’t
help bursting through. “I was sad, so sue me.”

“Remind me to buy you some tissues next time.” His
expression was soft as he looked at her.

“I’m leaving now.” She started to back away from him, waving
briefly, her eyes never straying from his.

“Without a goodbye kiss?”

“What the hell do you think we’ve been doing for the last
half hour?” Her eyebrows knitted together in a mock-frown, as she moved a
couple steps farther back.

“That was just a warm up. Now I want the final goodbye kiss.”

THE FOLLOWING EVENING, Hanna rushed
out of the Music Train offices on Wardour Street and into the humid Soho air.
Being so close to the West End of London, the road was always thronging with
people, and she followed them up toward Oxford Street, diving into the tube
station along with the rest of the weekday commuters. As she stepped onto the
stairwell, she felt her phone vibrate, and pulled it out of the pocket of her
jeans to read the text.

Have I told you I miss you today?

She hurriedly tapped out a reply.

I’ve got five hours on you Larsen! I win in the
missing stakes.

Taking the tube, she emerged from the station at Putney
Bridge and into the cold night air. Her breath caused vapor clouds to appear in
front of her as she hurried along the streets to her mum’s apartment. It felt
like they hadn’t seen each other for a lifetime; either Hanna was away at a
concert, or Diana was busy organizing an event. They’d agreed to meet that
evening to catch up.

Her mother was waiting at the door when she walked up to the
apartment, a big grin covering her face. She pulled Hanna to her in a huge
embrace.

“Oh sweetie, it’s so good to see you.”

“You too, I can’t believe how long it’s been. We live in the
same city, for God’s sake.”

“You’ve been busy, with work and Richard.” Diana winked, pulling
her inside by the hand and closing the door behind them. As soon as Hanna
stepped into the flat, she felt a calm, familiar feeling sweep over her.
Everything about this place made her feel at home.

“I ordered beef in black bean sauce for you,” Diana called
out as she walked into the small kitchen. “Do you want any prawn toasts?”

“Is the Pope a Catholic?” Hanna shouted back, standing up
and following her mum so that she could offer to help. Diana glared at her,
moving her hands in a shooing motion until Hanna got the hint, and walked back
to the living room.

“How has work been?” Diana asked, her voice echoing slightly
against the tiled floor of the kitchen.

“Great, I spent the day in the studio with a band recording
their second album. They’ve gone all concept and spent most of the day playing
me each track in order so I can understand their narrative.”

“I don’t think I understood a word of that.” Diana’s face
was a mask of confusion.

“They’re trying to tell a story with each song. They rap
about this guy losing a thousand pounds, and everything that happens, and then,
in the final song, he finds it down the back of his TV.”

“Sounds riveting. When do I get to hear it?”

Hanna laughed out loud. Diana was a classicist, if by
classics you meant Abba, Elton John, and Cliff Richard.

“It’s out in April. I’ll buy you a copy.”

“I can’t wait,” Diana said dryly, carrying two lap trays
into the room, handing one to Hanna along with some chopsticks. 

“Aren’t you hungry?” Hanna stared pointedly at Diana’s
plate. Only a small helping of rice and an even smaller spoonful of chicken had
been placed on the white china. Glancing up at her mum, Hanna saw her hollowed
cheeks. “Bloody hell, Mum, how much weight have you lost?”

She couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed it as soon as she’d
walked in through the door, but Diana had always looked the same to her—petite,
perfectly proportioned, though maybe slightly heavier on the hips than on the
chest. Whenever Hanna thought of her, she usually pictured her mother as being
around 35 years old, still wearing the fashions of the mid-nineties, her
unlined face smiling in delight at Hanna’s latest escapades.

Looking at her now, she could see that her face was lined,
the skin drawn back across the bones. The shadows under her eyes were darker
and more pronounced than usual.

Diana looked down at her plate, drawing her bottom lip in
between her teeth in a move that seemed familiar. Hanna watched as a single
tear dropped out of Diana’s left eye, falling onto the plate, bouncing slightly
as it met the china surface.

“Mum, what’s wrong? You’re really worrying me now.” Hanna
put her plate down on the side table and moved over, doing the same for Diana’s
lap tray. Kneeling on the floor next to her mum’s legs, she took both of Diana’s
hands in her own, squeezing them as she urged her mum to look at her.

“I’ve been at the hospital today. I don’t want you to panic,
and I know it’s going to come as a shock, but I’ve found a lump in my breast,
and they’ve taken it for a biopsy.”

The ground shot out from under Hanna’s feet, leaving her
reeling and dizzy, her head trying and failing to make sense of the words. She
shook it, the side-to-side movement not helping her sudden feeling of nausea.

“I said don’t panic, not yet.” Diana leaned forward and
enveloped her in a warm embrace. “They’re pretty sure it’s cancer, but there
are all sorts of tests and things they need to do before they can give me a
prognosis.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me this before?” A surge of
anger rose up through Hanna’s chest. She wasn’t sure what she was mad about;
whether it was her mother’s lack of sharing, the fact that cancer had invaded
her mother’s body, or the whole world in general. She grabbed hold of the
emotion and stayed with it, preferring it to the sensation of hopelessness she
had felt only a moment before.

“I didn’t want to worry you until I knew for certain there
was something wrong. It would have been awful to have you all twitchy and
nervous like this, and for the lump to turn out to be a boil, or even worse, a
figment of my imagination.”

“Have they told you what they think they can do; what
treatment you can have? I wish I’d gone with you to the hospital today.”
Spending the day listening to a guy rapping about losing his money seemed to be
a poor substitute for supporting her mum in her hour of need.

“Sweetie, I have another appointment on Thursday, I’m hoping
they’ll be able to tell me more then.” Diana squeezed her one last time. “Now
go and eat your food before it gets cold.”