Flaw Less (19 page)

Vera came barreling down the hall after Sullivan, waving her cigarette. “You think you better than me? Huh? Well, look in the mirror, sweetheart.” She snatched Sullivan by the arm and forced her to the mirror. “You're just like me!”

Sullivan stiffened her lip, refusing to give in to her tears. “I'm
nothing
like you.”

“Oh, yeah? You romance for finance, so do I. You messed around and got knocked up by the wrong joker, and I did too. You don't give a flying flip about nobody in this world but yourself, and you know what?” Vera took a pull from her cigarette. “Neither do I.”

“I care about this baby, and I care about my husband,” affirmed Sullivan.

“Yeah, I see. That's why you're sleeping around, carrying another man's baby, ain't it? Because you
care
so much?”

“It wasn't like that,” she tried to explain.

“Sure, Sullivan . . . Say whatever lets you sleep at night,” Vera replied flippantly.

Sullivan scolded herself. “I can't believe I actually came here looking for advice and encouragement.”

“Me either. You already knew what I was gonna tell you.”

“I guess I was crazy enough to think that you might've changed.”

“I ain't never gonna change!” declared Vera. “Neither are you.”

“I have changed,” swore Sullivan. Vera shook her head in disbelief and puffed on her cigarette. Sullivan was tempted to tell Vera to go hell and walk away, but she couldn't. Charles didn't give up on her; how could she give up on her own mother without at least trying?

“Do you believe in God, Vera?”

Vera frowned. “What?”

“Do you believe in God and salvation and Jesus being crucified for your sins?”

“Sullivan, don't come at me with that foolishness. Save that for Charles and them folks up at the church.”

“It's not too late for you to change, to be redeemed,” Sullivan told her.

“To be redeemed from what? This house? My cars out in the garage? The money we got in the bank? The broke and the weak rely on all that religion crap to justify being in that situation. I don't need God or religion. I got everything I want right here.”

Sullivan reached out to her mother. “Your life could be so much more than this, Vera. I know it's hard to believe, but God loves you, and He's waiting for you to reach out and acknowledge that you need Him. All you have to do is accept Him into your life. It doesn't have to be this way.”

Vera seemed to be listening and actually softening for a moment. “Sometimes I want to believe that . . .” Her words trailed off, and Sullivan could see the ice come over her again. Vera brought the cigarette back to her lips and inhaled. “You can stay the night, but you need to be gone by the time Cliff gets back,” she ordered before waltzing off to her bedroom.

“You were wrong about one thing,” Sullivan called after her. “You said I don't love anybody, but I do. I love this baby, and I'm going to make sure he or she gets everything you deprived me of.”

Vera turned around. Her cigarette ashes fluttered to the ground. “You can try, but you know what we are, Sullivan, and there ain't nothing you can do about it.”

—
Kina Battle

 

 

“Pastor, if you don't need anything else, I'm going to go on and leave for the day,” said Kina, poking her head into Charles's office.

“Come in for a minute before you go. I want to talk to you.”

“Sure.” Kina eased into his office and closed the door behind her. “Did I do something wrong?”

Charles offered her a seat. “Sister, what's all this business I'm hearing about you dating a woman? Is this true?”

“Did Sullivan tell you that?” Kina fumed. “That girl can't keep a secret if her life depended on it, unless it's one of hers, of course!”

“No, Sullivan didn't tell me that; I'm hearing things from other members. Sullivan is not out spreading rumors about you, but she didn't deny it when I asked her about it. She's concerned about you. She told me I needed to talk to you, so that's what I'm doing.”

Kina nodded. “It's true. I have been spending a lot of time with a woman. I guess you could say we're dating.”

Charles frowned. “Why would do something like that?”

Kina shrugged her shoulders. “I don't know. Maybe I was curious.” She sighed. “Or lonely.”

“The Lord will be your comforter, sister. Lean on Him.”

“I do. But sometimes, it helps to have an actual person to lean on as well.”

“Sister Battle, you're in a position of leadership now. This doesn't mean I or anyone else expects you to be perfect, but I am looking for you to uphold a certain moral standard when it comes to your decisions and lifestyle choices.”

“Pastor, this thing with Joan isn't that serious. We're just hanging out.”

“I'm sure I don't have to remind you of what the Word says about homosexuality either. Do you think the Lord is pleased with what you're doing?”

“I think me and the Lord are on the outs these days,” divulged Kina.

“Why do you say that?”

“Pastor, you know me. I've tried to be the best Christian I know how to be. I pray, but it doesn't seem like my prayers get answered. I tithe, but I'm still broke. I tried to be a good, faithful wife to E'Bell; all I got was broken and beaten in return. It just doesn't seem fair. I look around at people who ain't even
trying
to live right, and they have it all! I'm tired of doing things God's way and ending up with nothing.”

“It sounds like you're in offense, Kina.”

“I'm not offended. I know I can't sit here and work for you and the church and be in what's considered a sinful relationship. If this is your way of asking for my resignation—”

“I'm not talking about being offended by me. I'm talking about you being offended at God.”

Kina sat quietly, convicted.

“Sister, I know you're hurt and frustrated, and it seems like nothing is happening the way you want it to, but don't get mad at God. Who else is going to help you?”

“Pastor, I know you're a man of the cloth, but every time the doors of the church open, I'm here. I help people, I'm in four different ministries, and I try to live right. This may not be politically correct to say, but it seems like the Lord owes me something!”

Charles leaned back. “I don't know that He owes you anything, Sister Battle.”

“You know what I mean,” mumbled Kina.

“I do. Like you said, you come to church, you pray, and you do all of the things a good Christian is supposed to do, right?”

“That's right.”

“Then perhaps you need to examine your reasons for doing it. Are you doing it because you want to have a relationship with God or because you want God to be obligated to do something for you?”

Kina was quiet. This was a possibility she hadn't considered.

Charles continued. “Sister Battle, you're familiar with John the Baptist and his death, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know what killed him? The very thing you're dealing with now, offense.”

Kina shook her head. “John was killed after Herodias's daughter asked for his head on a platter.”

“Obviously, that happened too, but let's delve a little deeper in Luke.” Charles opened the NIV Bible on his desk. “You remember when John was locked up and he sent for Jesus asking, ‘Are you the one who was to come or should we expect somebody else?'”

Kina wrinkled her nose. “What's wrong with that?”

“
What's wrong
isn't so much that he asked as much as it is the implication behind the question. John was in offense because Jesus hadn't come to get him out of jail. In his sarcastic way, what he was really asking was, ‘Are you coming, Jesus, or do I need to find someone else to come do your job?' And do you know what the Lord's response was?”

“No, not really.”

“He said, ‘Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy have been cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who doesn't fall away on account of me,'” read Charles. “Translated, he tells John, ‘You know I'm
the one
. The proof is in the pudding! But blessed is the man who does not get offended at God.'”

Kina felt small. “I didn't realize that I was acting that way.”

“Now that you know better, I have faith that you'll do better.” Charles squeezed her hand. “You've got to watch how you question God too. It's one thing to ask Him how He wants you to handle a situation. It's something else to question His authority and sovereignty. You don't want to do that.”

“I know.” Kina lowered her head. “You're right.”

“Trust in the Lord to know what's best for you. I know that waiting is hard, and it can be very tempting to circumvent the Lord's system and way of doing things for the world's way, but there are lessons He wants you to learn and pitfalls God wants you to avoid because He loves you. He knows how it's all going to end, and He tries to shield us from unnecessary hurt. Now, if you're bound and determined to do things your way, He's gonna let you, but it'll take you a lot longer to reach the destiny He has planned for you.”

“What about all these feelings, Pastor?”

“That'll pass, sister. Emotions are designed to lead you to or away from the Lord. One path is life, the other one is death. The danger is that emotions can often be fickle, and their impact is too far-reaching for you to make decisions based off of how you feel. Your decisions need to be based on what the Word says, not emotions.”

“I think a lot of my problem is that I'd gotten so used to being married. I hate being alone. I think if I had a husband or someone truly special in my life, I'd be okay.”

“You can't look for another person to take God's place in your life, sister.”

“I know you're right, but I have all this love inside and all these feelings. I feel like I need to put them somewhere or on someone.”

“Put them on the Lord, your son, your neighbors, your church members, and yourself.”

“You left out husband,” Kina exhaled. “You must think I'll never get married again.”

“Of course you will, if that's what you're believing God for, but treasure this time you have right now. Enjoy being single. Use this time to concentrate on improving your relationship with God and your relationship with yourself. Finish school and take care of your son. Continue your ministry work and try to be a blessing to others. When those elements are well-established, you'll be ready to receive your husband.”

Kina felt the weight taken off of her. “You're so wise, Pastor. As a church, we're all very blessed to have you.”

“Thank you, but I can't take the credit. Any wisdom I have comes from the Lord.”

“So you think there's still hope for me?”

“There's always hope. Trust me, sister, you're going to be just fine.”

Charles hugged her. As he held Kina in his arms, she felt a sense of peace and belonging she'd never felt before. It was almost as if she were being embraced by God Himself.

Charles let her go. “Are you feeling better now?”

She nodded. “You make everything so clear, Pastor. How do you do that?”

He chuckled. “Sister, things aren't nearly as complicated as we try to make them. The Bible reminds us that there's nothing new under the sun. The issues we face today are the same ones they faced during biblical times. As long as you let the Word be your final authority on all decisions, you'll be all right.”

“I just wish I could hear the Lord's voice as clearly as you can.”

“That comes from spending time with the Lord and spending time in His Word. God will start to reveal all kinds of things to you if you ask Him and if your spirit is receptive to it. Keep Him first and all the other things will be added onto you. He promised to give you the desires of your heart. Have faith that He'll do what He said He'd do.” Charles checked his watch. “Well, I better get on out of here and do some shopping. Sullivan has been a little down lately. I want to surprise her with a few new pretty things when she gets back. Presents always make her feel better.”

“I hope she appreciates it and knows what a blessing she has in you.”

“We're a blessing to each other.” Charles tilted his head toward her. “You have a pleasant evening, Sister Battle, and think about what I said.”

“I will, Pastor.”

As Charles retreated down the hallway, a revelation hit Kina like a freight train. Charles had told her to have faith and that God would send her the kind of mate that she needed. Intuitively, Charles knew that she needed a man who was grounded and rooted in the Word of God, who knew her secrets and would accept her anyway, who could love her unconditionally, and who could help her grow in her relationship with Christ.

Charles also needed something. He needed the kind of wife who'd respect and honor him, who relished working along beside him in his ministry, who didn't mind catering to his needs, and someone who was equally yoked to him in every way.

The weight of her newfound revelation was almost too much to comprehend. “Lord, are you telling me what I think you're telling me?” Kina asked aloud.

She eased down into her seat, trying to make sense of it all. It didn't make sense, yet it made perfect sense at the same time. She heaved, amazed as all of the pieces started to crystallize and form right before her eyes.

“Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this,” recited Kina, recalling 2 Timothy 2:7.

Nothing happened by accident. E'Bell's death, her working there as Charles's assistant, Sullivan's affair with Vaughn and subsequent pregnancy—it was all a part of God's plan. It was all to bring her to this moment.

Kina burst into laughter. How could she not have seen this all along? The answer had been so obvious that it was invisible. That is, until the moment Charles took her in his arms—the place where she was meant to be.

Kina knew that it would be controversial and that there would definitely be some explaining to do, but eventually everyone would see for themselves what was now blatantly obvious to her: It was she, not Sullivan, who God had called to be Charles's wife.