Flaw Less (24 page)

—
Lawson Kerry Banks

 

 

Lawson had always considered herself a strong woman, but nothing weakened and humbled her more than watching her marriage fall apart. Garrett was spending more time away from the house and hadn't slept there in two weeks. He basically came only to see Namon and pack up more belongings.

Lawson met Garrett at the door after he'd called to say that he was coming over. “Did you come to get more stuff?” she exhaled and shook her head in frustration. “Do you have any idea how much it kills me to see you carting more stuff out of here every day? Each time, it's like losing you all over again. Either get all of it and be through or do it when I'm not here.”

He set his keys down on the counter. “I came to get one last thing.”

“What's that?”

Garrett held his breath and came humbly before her. “Your forgiveness.”

It was the last thing Lawson expected to hear. “What?”

“I never should've left, Lawson. I vowed for better or worse, and I vowed to be with you until I took my last breath. I don't take my promises lightly.”

Lawson moved away from him. “I don't want you here out of a sense of obligation.”

“It's not just that. I'm here because I love you, and I don't think I can go another day without waking up and not seeing you lying next to me.”

She melted inside. “Really?”

“Yes, babe. I miss you and Namon and our life together. I finally wised up and came to the conclusion that I'd rather have my wife than my pride.”

“I'll never lie to you again, I promise, Garrett,” she vowed.

Garrett shook his head. “Don't do that.”

“Do what?”

“I don't want us to make promises we can't keep. You're probably going to lie to me again. You may even hurt me more than you did this time. I may do the same to you. But, baby, I promise I'll never walk out that door again, not unless I have you and Namon with me.”

“Thank you, God.” She kissed him. “I love so much. If it means I have to quit school for a while—”

Garrett stopped her. “I'm not going to let you do that, Lawson. I want you to be everything God created you to be. What kind of husband would I be to ask you to live beneath your potential? I refuse to be threatened by your ambition and success. I want you to get that degree and go as far as the Lord will take you. Just make sure you bring us along for the ride.”

“I'll take you wherever you want to go, just as long as we're together.”

He folded her into his arms. “I love you, baby. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too. Please don't ever leave me again.”

Garrett kissed her forehead. “I won't. You and Namon mean everything to me, you hear me?”

She smiled. “I hear you.”

Garrett slowly released her. “But, sweetheart, there's something I need to tell you. We can't start over with secrets still between us.”

“There aren't any more secrets, Garrett. I told you everything—I swear!”

“I'm not talking about you. I meant me.”

Lawson felt the air go out of her body. Something in the way he looked at her told her to brace for the worst. “What about you?” she asked in a low voice.

Garrett seized her hands. “First off, I want to say that I take full responsibility for what I'm about to tell you. Yes, after I found out about the pills, I was hurt and felt betrayed. I also admit that I was insecure about your relationship with Mark.”

Lawson swallowed. “Okay . . . Garrett, you're scaring me. Just say what it is you have to say.”

His eyes welled with tears as he squeezed her hands. “I made a mistake. I was reckless and stupid. I fouled up big time.” He paused. “I cheated on you, Lawson.”

“Cheated? I mean, what is that? Did you go out with another woman? Did you kiss another woman?”

“I slept with someone else,” he admitted. Lawson crumpled into the chair. “Baby, I'm so sorry. If I could take it back—”

“You can't!” she screeched. “You can't take this back!” She doubled over, holding herself. “Oh, God! Father, give me strength.”

Garrett kneeled down in front of her. “Lawson, I know this is a lot to take in. Baby, I'm begging you to please forgive me. I love you, and you're the only woman I want. I was hurt and made the worst decision of my life by being unfaithful to you. But, baby, if I could forgive you, I pray that you could find it in your heart to—”

She pushed away from him. “Don't do that! Don't you dare try to act like it's the same!”

“I know it's not. I'm just asking that you take it into consideration.”

Lawson crossed her arms in front of her. “Who is she? Is she someone I know?”

“No, she's a designer I was working with on a project.”

Lawson rolled her eyes. “Is it still going on?”

“No, baby, I swear! I told her I could never see her again. It was one time. We both know it was wrong. She had the project reassigned to someone else. It's over. It was only once.”

“Just so you know, telling me that you only made love to another woman
one time
really doesn't help.”

“Baby, I'm so sorry. Please tell me what I need to do to fix this,” pleaded Garrett.

“Fix it?” Lawson was livid. “How do you propose to do that? My God, Garrett, how could you do this to me? To us?”

“I wasn't thinking. I believed our marriage was over.” He tried to touch her.

Lawson shirked away. “Is that the hand you used to touch her, Garrett? Is that how you did it, the same way you're touching me?” She closed her eyes as the tears streamed from her eyelids. “I've been with you my whole adult life. We've never been unfaithful to each, Garrett,
never
. That's what kept us connected despite everything else that was going on. I had a level of trust with you that I've never had with any man. Now, it's gone.”

“We can get that back,” maintained Garrett.

Lawson thought for moment. “You know, Garrett, between this, the birth controls pills, and all the fighting, I'm not so sure I want to anymore.” She looked up at him. “Maybe this time it really needs to be over.”

—
Lawson Kerry Banks

 

 

“I can't believe Garrett would do something like this,” sobbed Lawson, cradled in her sister's arms. Kina, Reginell, Sullivan, and Angel were all gathered in Lawson's bedroom, having made a beeline to Lawson's house after receiving her tearful summon. “I mean, I know I screwed up by not telling him about the birth control pills, but for him to have sex with another woman? Was he trying to get her pregnant? Does he not find me desirable anymore?” She shook her head. “I don't understand this.”

Reginell sighed. “Maybe it's like what he said. Garrett was hurt and confused and wanted to lash out at you for everything that happened.”

“So this is what I can expect whenever my husband is hurt or confused?”

Angel brought Lawson a steaming cup of tea. “Sweetie, you know Garrett is not like a serial cheater. He made a mistake.”

Lawson accepted the tea. “A
mistake
is leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to pay the cable bill. This was more than a mistake. This was an absolute betrayal.”

“Dang, I bet it was that chick from the restaurant,” surmised Reginell.

Lawson's head sprang up. “Wait—what chick? Who are you talking about, Reggie?”

“I saw him having dinner with someone right after he moved out.”

“And you didn't tell me?”

“Nooo . . . I confronted Garrett about it, and he swore nothing was going on between them.”

“You believed him, Reggie? Really?” Sullivan shook her head in pity.

“Not really, but I thought I'd gotten through to him about trying to make his marriage work.”

“How could you not tell me this? You're my sister!” Lawson cried.

“I figured telling you Garrett might be hooking up with his interior designer would only make things worse between you two. Plus, it really was none of my business. I'm not trying to get in the middle of what's happening between y'all. I fulfilled my sisterly obligation by trying to talk him out of it.”

“She has a point,” said Angel. “If a man is going to cheat, there's really nothing anyone else can do to talk him out of it once that's what he's decided in his heart to do.”

“I don't care. You're my sister, and you should've come to me,” fired Lawson. “Or is your head so far up Mark's behind that you can't think about anyone else?”

Reginell reeled back and threw up her hand. “Hold up—why are you putting Mark in this? He isn't the one cheating,
Garrett
is.”

Lawson drew up her lips and narrowed her eyes. “And how much longer do you think that'll be? Do you really think Mark is going to put up with you taking it off for every man and his daddy much longer? Do you honestly think he wants a stripper around his daughter? Only God knows who or what else you're doing for money.”

Angel quickly intervened. “Lawson, please don't say anything else. You're hurt and you're angry, and you're taking it out on the wrong one.”

“That's all right, Angel.” Hot tears burned Reginell's eyes. “Forget you, Lawson. You walk around here acting like you're so perfect, like you don't make mistakes, but you don't have the right to look down on nobody else. That's why you can't keep a man, and that's why you'll always be alone!”

Lawson pointed to herself. “I've got my dignity.”

“Yes, and somebody else has your man!” With that, Reginell grabbed her purse and stood up to leave.

Angel tried to stop her. “You can't walk out on your sister like this, Reggie, especially not now.”

“Oh, yeah? Watch me!” Reginell stormed out.

“Let her go!” hissed Sullivan. “Good riddance.”

Kina turned to Lawson. “How are you going to handle this situation with Garrett?”

“What can I do? He broke our vows without so much as a second thought. I can't be with a man who thinks so little of our commitment to each other. Even the Bible has an out clause for cheating.” Lawson sighed. “I don't think I can stay married to him. I told he had to move out. It maybe for good this time.”

“Believe me, I know how you're feeling right now, but don't make any rash decisions,” cautioned Angel. “You're too emotional. Give it some time and prayer.”

Lawson shook her head. “No amount of time or prayer is going to change the fact that he slept with another woman. He kissed her. He touched her. He consciously planned to have sex with her. He gave her the same part of himself that he gives to me like it was nothing when it's everything sacred to me.”

Sullivan sat down next to Lawson. “I know it hurts, but it's possible to forgive him and move on. Look at me and Charles.”

“Yeah, look at you and Charles,” retorted Lawson. “He forgave you, and what happened? You went out and cheated on him again, only this time, you're knocked up to boot!”

Sullivan huffed. “Obviously, I wasn't talking about
that
part.”

“Garrett said that the affair is over,” cited Kina. “Don't give your husband over to this other woman, especially when they're not even seeing each other anymore. He made a bad decision. He's remorseful and repentant. Don't lose your family over this.”

“Why is the burden on me?” questioned Lawson. “He's the one who cheated. He broke our vows, not me.”

Angel agreed. “True, Garrett is the one who cheated. He took the coward's way out of dealing with your problems, but you're not blameless, Lawson. Between you obsessing over Reggie and Mark and the whole fiasco with the pills, you practically drove him to it.”

“You can't hold Garrett to one standard and yourself to another,” said Sullivan. “You both screwed up, but you're newlyweds. Stuff happens. You've got to find a way to fight through it.”

Lawson released a breath. “Y'all don't get it.” She looked up through watery eyes. “Garrett broke my heart.”

Kina came to Lawson's side. “I'd never tell anyone to stay in a marriage where they're being disrespected, abused, or mistreated, but that's not the case with you and Garrett. He wants to come home.”

Sullivan squeezed Lawson's hand. “Lawson, you're principled, and that's one of the things we love about you. We can always depend on you to bring us back when we start to stray. You call us on our mess, and you don't allow us to sin and feel like it's okay. I actually appreciate having someone like you around to give me that kick in the butt when I need it, but you need to learn how to let stuff go sometimes, like this grudge against Garrett.”

“I'm not holding a grudge against him. I'm just having a hard time accepting that he could do something like that. What does it say about the kind of man he is and his principles?”

“It says he's human,” said Kina, still bearing the guilt from her confession to Charles. “He made a horrible decision, but at least he was honest with you about it. He ended the affair; he repented and took full responsibility for what happened. I don't know what more the man can do. He can't change it.” Kina looked at Sullivan, speaking for herself as well as Garrett.

“Lawson, I know what you're going through,” conceded Angel. “When I found out that Duke cheated on me, I felt utterly betrayed. It made me feel like less of a woman, like I couldn't satisfy him like she could. I was humiliated and confused. I couldn't understand how this could happen after I did everything I could to be a good wife to him. But believe me when I tell you that there's nothing like the pain of going through a divorce. I see why God hates it and calls it violence. That was a kind of pain I don't wish on anybody. I don't have to tell any of you how bad it got for me. You already know I tried to kill myself. I had to be in an excruciating amount of pain to think death was better than divorce.”

Lawson began crying again. Angel tried to comfort her. “I know you're hurting right now, and you feel like you don't even know the man you married. God knows that. That's why He gives us an out where infidelity is concerned. If there's any way you can find it in your heart to forgive him and make your marriage work, you need to try. You don't want to walk in my shoes, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't give your marriage a fair shot.”

Sullivan stepped in. “Lawson, I know you don't want to hear this, but you've got to take some responsibility in this too. You're not the only one who felt hurt and betrayed. I don't by any means excuse him for cheating on you, but you made it real easy between your fixation on Mark, school, work, and Namon, and that was all
before
he found out you lied about taking birth control. You can't put your marriage on the back burner and expect everything to be okay. Believe me, I know.”

“I'm going to be honest with you,” revealed Angel. “Even though Duke was the one who stepped out and broke our vows, if he'd been willing to change and work things out, I would've stayed with him and kept my marriage together. I'm just so thankful that we've been given a second chance to get it right this time.”

“I just feel like it makes me weak to stay,” admitted Lawson. “What kind of woman stays with a man who would betray her this way?”

Kina spoke sincerely. “He deserves another chance, Lawson. I know you don't think so, but God gives us grace and mercy all the time, whether we deserve it or not.”

“So you expect me to just welcome him back with opened arms and no consequences for what he did? As much as I love my husband, I would've understood if he didn't take me back.”

“He
is
suffering the consequences,” explained Sullivan. “There's no worse feeling in the world than losing your family and the person you love. I promise you Garrett's feeling like crap right now. How much more suffering do you want him to have?”

“Enough that he doesn't cheat again,” argued Lawson.

“It's not your place to punish him,” Angel reminded her. “It's the Lord's. The way I see it, if God can forgive Garrett, surely you can too, especially considering that you've hurt him just as much as he hurt you.”

“I hear what you're saying, but what kind of example does that set for Namon?” inquired Lawson. “Do I want him to be the kind of husband and father who'd go out and cheat on his wife or marry the kind of woman who'd accept being disrespected that way?”

“It could also be an example of being like Christ and showing mercy and forgiveness. It'll mean more to Namon to know that he can be redeemed than to feel like he's doomed forever if he misses the mark sometimes,” said Kina, reflecting on her own situation and hoping to be extended that same kind of forgiveness.

Lawson sighed. “I just don't know, y'all. I love Garrett, but I just don't know how I'll be able to trust him after this.”

“Through faith and prayer,” answered Angel. “The same way he was able to trust you and give you another chance after you hurt him.”

“That's the thing—we keep hurting each other time and time again. At what point do you say enough is enough and walk away? At what point do you finally admit that it's over?”