Floods 7 (10 page)

But gradually the pain subsided, partly due to the incredibly powerful sedatives in the toffee and partly because the agony was making her faint. Floaty hippy music tinkled from hidden speakers and the Hearse Whisperer felt herself drifting back in time.

The sky turned a beautiful green colour like
the skies of her childhood when all that lovely acid rain had drifted over Transylvania Waters, making everyone wonderfully white as it bleached their skin. The Hearse Whisperer was a little girl again, playing in the back garden of the childhood home she had only had inside her head. There were the kittens she had nailed to the fence. There were the blindfolded chickens walking into the bonfire. And there was her beloved grandmother, collecting the pretty berries from the belladonna plants to make her delicious purple custard.

But where was her Mama?

‘Mama, mama,' she cried.

‘Yes,' said a voice. ‘Where are your parents?'

‘I, I …'

‘You had them locked up in prison on Howlcatraz, didn't you?' said the voice. It was Dr Reversion.

That broke the spell.

‘No I didn't,' said the Hearse Whisperer, sitting bolt upright.

This was a bad move as she still had the
acupuncture nails sticking into her. She screamed and fell backwards as, one by one, the doctor removed them. Now her only problem was blood spouting from all the nail holes.

‘That's it, let it all out,' said the doctor. ‘Let it go.'

‘What, all my blood?'

‘Yes, every evil drop, as you did to your mother and father.'

‘I didn't lock up my parents,' said the Hearse Whisperer. ‘They were carried away by vampires.'

‘But it says in your notes that you locked up your mother and your father for being too nice. It also says that this is something you used to be very proud of. Yet now you are denying it as if you feel shame for what you did,' said Dr Reversion.

‘No, no, that's not true,' said the Hearse Whisperer. ‘I have never felt shame.'

‘Are you absolutely sure?'

‘I think I'd remember if I'd done something as pathetic as that,' the Hearse Whisperer replied. ‘Look at me, I am a totally shame-free zone.'

‘Well, no, not necessarily, you see, because the mind has a way of suppressing things that we might be ashamed of,' said the doctor.

‘Yes, but if I had got my parents sent to prison, why would I deny that? I mean, it's not like it's a bad thing to do, is it?' said the Hearse Whisperer. ‘People do it all the time, don't they?'

‘That's true, but there's something else, isn't there?' said the doctor.

‘No.'

‘Come on. It was in the papers. You were voted Creation's Most Evil Being because of it.'

‘Oh, that,' said the Hearse Whisperer, torn between pride and denial.

‘Yes, that,' said the doctor. ‘You appeared to have had a total change of heart and got your parents set free and everyone thought you had gone soft, but then it turned out you'd had them released so you could eat them. Remember?'

‘Well, they deserved it. Everyone said so, even Grandmother and all my other relations. In fact, I – I mean we – had a big party afterwards and
they all helped eat them,' the Hearse Whisperer explained.

‘I thought you said you had stopped speaking to your family,' said the doctor.

‘Yes, I did.'

‘But now you're saying you had a big party.'

‘We did, but I also said we were eating my parents,' said the Hearse Whisperer. ‘And as everyone knows, it's very bad manners to talk with your mouth full.'

‘Do you want to talk about it?' said the doctor, who was a bit of a cannibalism enthusiast.

‘Not particularly.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘Yes, I'm sure.'

‘Oh, OK.'

‘So could you stop me bleeding now?' said the Hearse Whisperer. ‘I'm feeling rather faint. In fact, I think I'm approaching a Becoming-Dead situation.'

‘Do you want to talk about that?'

‘No, I just want it to stop.'

‘Do you want to talk about why you want it to stop?'

‘No, I, er …'

Dr Reversion felt the Hearse Whisperer's pulse and, when it had finally stopped beating, one of her assistants wheeled the body into the Transferation Laboratory. They laid her out on a black marble slab, stuck corks in all the holes left
by the acupuncture nails and began to fill her up with fresh blood, a special recipe tailored exactly to suit her particular needs, or rather Dr Reversion's needs, give or take a few species that were currently out of stock.
²⁹

‘Pity we've run out of warthog boils,' said the doctor, ‘but I think washing-up liquid will do.'

Once the Hearse Whisperer's veins were full up, she came back to life, but, as the doctor still needed to perform the spirit transplant, an operation that required the patient to remain perfectly still, Dr Reversion was forced to put the Hearse Whisperer back to sleep again with her special doctor's Big Rubber Hammer.

‘Spirits, spirits … let me see,' said the doctor, leafing through a thick folder. ‘We are supposed to give her back her terrifying motivation and her evil, reckless edge and love of mindless violence. I imagine that's what she wants.'

‘Of course, Doctor,' said her laboratory
assistant, Flusher, ‘but do you not think that maybe she is actually too old to contain all that fury?'

‘Yes, you're quite right,' said Dr Reversion. ‘Sad, isn't it? And anyway, I have no intention of restoring her to her former glory. You see, when I was growing up, the Hearse Whisperer was my greatest hero – a magnificent, totally invincible creature who I worshipped. But I wrote to her seventy-three times and do you know how many times she replied?'

‘No.'

‘None,' said the doctor.

‘So you feel cheated and disillusioned?'

‘Of course I do,' said the doctor.

‘Do you want to talk about it?' said Flusher.

‘Careful now, that's my line.'

‘Sorry,' said Flusher. ‘Well, would you like to have some revenge?'

‘I would, I would.'

‘Well, now
you
are the one with the power,' said Flusher.

‘I am, aren't I?' The doctor laughed and,
flicking through her spirit catalogue, she added, ‘It's payback time.'

She gave the Hearse Whisperer another highly skilled and professional whack on the head with the Big Rubber Hammer and drilled a hole in the top of her skull.

‘Right, where shall we start?' she said, poking a funnel into the hole.

She closed the catalogue, shut her eyes and picked a page at random.

‘Brilliant!' said Flusher, as she uncorked the bottle. ‘Do another one.'

Flusher and the doctor collapsed on the floor laughing. They tried to pull themselves up but
each time they reached table height, one look at the Hearse Whisperer lying unconscious on the operating table made them collapse again.

‘Not sure about that one, she might enjoy it.'

‘You know what, doctor?' said Flusher in a voice of deep admiration. ‘I think you were wasting yourself adoring the Hearse Whisperer. You are every bit as evil as she is.'

‘Do you really think so?'

‘You also have wonderful knees,' said Flusher.

They gave the Hearse Whisperer another seven feeble unpleasant souls, three of which hated the other four, which meant she had a permanent headache. Then, while she was still unconscious, they sent her back to the volcano's rim on Tristan da Cunha.

‘Shouldn't we give her a blanket?' said Flusher. ‘There's a blizzard blowing.'

‘Then she'll have a nice blanket of thick snow,' said Dr Reversion.

‘But she could freeze to death.'

‘Promises, promises.'

‘What was it you wanted to look at in the cellar?' Betty asked Winchflat. ‘When you went to get Brastof you said there was something down there you wanted to check up on.'

‘Yes, little sister, well remembered,' said Winchflat.

‘So what was it?'

‘You know I said there were six Terrible Pools of Vestor?' said Winchflat.

‘Yes.'

‘Well, five of them are a chain of Yak Burger restaurants in Mongolia and the sixth one, the
real Terrible Pool of Vestor, is right here under this very building in a dark catacomb next to the dungeons.'

‘F@@#XXX!!!!£,' screeched Vessel with excitement. ‘Who's a pretty boy? Who's a pretty boy? Who's a pretty boy?'

‘You are, my darling,' said the Queen. ‘What are we waiting for?'

‘As well as the good news, which is that I've found the Terrible Pool of Vestor,' said Winchflat, ‘there is bad news, which is that it's sort of evaporated.'

‘You mean it's all gone?' said the Queen.

Winchflat nodded.

‘So you haven't so much found the Terrible Pool of Vestor as the Dent In The Ground That Used To Be The Terrible Pool Of Vestor?' said Mordonna.

‘Exactly.'

‘If it's not there any more,' said Nerlin, ‘how do you know it is the Terrible Pool?'

‘There's a brass plate saying, “In this dent lay
the Terrible Pool of Vestor”,' said Winchflat.

‘Double, triple GR!!***&8¢¢KK*!' said Vessel.

‘You can say that again,' said the Queen, so he did. ‘Is there nothing we can do?'

‘There is a little bit of dust left in the bottom,' said Winchflat. ‘Maybe we could add water to it and bring the pool back to life.'

‘OK, let's go,' said Nerlin. ‘Someone get a bucket.'

‘I should warn you,' said Winchflat. ‘There's a strong possibility that the dust is not pure. It could have all sorts of pollution in it. I mean, supposing someone was sweeping the floor? It's the obvious place to dump the dust, isn't it?'

‘We'll risk it,' said the Queen. ‘Get the bucket.'

‘What would happen,' said Mordonna, ‘if one of us who hadn't been turned into a bird and trapped in an enchanted cage went into the pool?'

‘I don't know,' said Winchflat. ‘There's no information on that.'

‘Well, before we put Vessel and his cage in the the pool, I suggest we put someone else in and see what happens,' said Valla.

‘Who?' said Betty. ‘I'm not going to volunteer.'

‘None of the children can volunteer,' said the Queen. ‘If anyone is going to test out the pool, it should be me.'

‘OK,' said Mordonna.

‘Aren't you going to protest a little bit?' said the Queen. ‘After all, it could be dangerous.'

‘No,' said Mordonna. ‘You're the obvious choice.'

‘Yes, I am, aren't I,' said the Queen through gritted teeth.
³⁰

‘And you can carry the birdcage in with you,' said Mordonna. ‘That way whatever happens you will both be together.'

‘F@@#XXX!!!!£,' Vessel whispered to himself.

When the pool had been filled to the brim, Winchflat tipped the Queen out of her backpack and did his best to join all her bones and floppy insides back together. One leg seemed to be a lot shorter than the other until he realised he had joined her left arm on where her left leg should be. Two of her fingers were stuck so far up her nose it was impossible to remove them, but eventually Queen Scratchrot stood proudly before them looking as wonderful as only a half-decomposed corpse with green slime leaking from way too many places can look. Because the Queen's remaining fingers refused to talk to each other, Winchflat tied Vessel's cage round her neck and led them to the pool's edge.

‘Ready?' he said.

‘Umm, er, not really,' said the Queen. ‘Maybe we should talk about this a bit more.'

‘No time,' said Winchflat. ‘Bits of you are falling off as you stand there.'

‘Here, take this,' he added, picking up her right ear.

‘GR!!***&8¢¢KK*!' Vessel screeched as the
Queen hesitated at the water's edge.

‘Oh get on with it,' snapped Mordonna and gave her mother an almighty shove.

Big splash.

Waves.

Queen and cage vanishing below the water's surface.

Water calming down until it was as smooth as a sheet of glass.

Then nothing.

‘Oops,' said Mordonna.

More nothing and, several minutes later, even more nothing.

Then a single bubble.

Then a lot more bubbles accompanied by everyone holding their noses and waving their hands in front of their faces.

‘It's supposed to do that,' Winchflat lied. ‘I think it's all the bad stuff coming out.'

Actually, he was completely right, except the bad stuff was
really
bad, and boy was there a lot of it.

‘Whatever you do,' said Nerlin, trying not to breathe in as he spoke, ‘no one light a match.'

Everyone except Mordonna backed away from the pool, ran out of the door, up the stairs and out into the fresh air. Mordonna alone stood vigil as the foul bubbles poured out their grey fumes, but eventually they began to lessen. The grey fumes clung to the sludge-covered wall of the cellar, turning to slime. As they did so, the
air cleared until it was safe to breathe again. The last bubble burst and the pool grew flat and still again.

As Mordonna watched and waited, Betty came back and took hold of her hand.

‘Is Granny dead?'

‘I'm not sure, darling,' said Mordonna. ‘I don't think so. I can feel her presence, but then I can feel the presence of my great-grandmother Florea, and she is most definitely dead.'

The tops of two heads broke the surface of the water. Then two foreheads, four ears and four eyes appeared. More bits of body appeared until Queen Scratchrot and Vessel walked out of the pool and stood before mother and daughter.

‘Has it worked?' said the Queen.

Mordonna and Betty were speechless. Not only had the Terrible Pool of Vestor freed Vessel from his cage, it had totally transformed him and the Queen. No longer were they two ancient wrinkled wrecks. The pool had turned back time to the exact day the two of them had left
Transylvania Waters twenty-three years before. They were still quite old, but not so old that bits of them were falling off, and now their wrinkles were not so deep that you could hide things in them.

‘You look great,' said Mordonna. ‘If I didn't have such perfect skin already, I'd be tempted to take a dip myself.'

But, with the future in mind, she filled a couple of bottles from the pool, and then the four of them went outside to join the others.

‘I think we should destroy Forsaken Hall,' said Mildred Flambard-Flood as they got ready to leave. ‘We should not just knock it down, but turn it into dust so it can never be used again to bring terror to innocent witches and wizards.'

‘You're absolutely right,' said Mordonna. ‘We should remove it and, with it, all traces of the Knights Intolerant from the face of the Earth. After all, if someone like the Hearse Whisperer came here, who is to say what she could and would recreate with her evil heart.'

So the family stood side by side and faced the old building and, as they concentrated, it collapsed in on itself. The chimneys fell through the roof. The roof fell through the attic. The attic fell through the upstairs, the upstairs fell through the downstairs and finally the downstairs fell into the cellars.

‘Um, what about the Terrible Pool of…?' Betty began to say, but it was too late.

The ground shook and heaved and spat and shook again and slowly a totally black tower began to rise from the ground. The walls sucked in all the light around them. Apart from one row of narrow slits just below the overhanging roof, there were no doors or windows in the entire building.

‘Oops,' said Mordonna.

‘What are we going to do?' said Nerlin.

‘We are all going to climb very quietly into the van and drive slowly away,' said Mordonna. ‘And then when we get to the next town we are going to go to the planning department of the local council and report an illegally constructed building out on the moors. Then it becomes their problem.'

‘Do you really think some small town council officials will be able to tell the Knights Intolerant what to do?' said Valla. ‘They'd get obliterated.'

‘Well, there you go,' said Mordonna. ‘Every cloud has a silver lining.'