Following Flora (15 page)

“He'll be furious with you for disobeying him, but yeah, I think you should.”

“I'll go right now, before I lose my nerve.” She opened the door. The sound of Dad and Jas yelling at each other floated up from the kitchen. Flora caught my eye and we both started to laugh.

“Maybe not right now,” I suggested.

I grabbed my camera and together we tiptoed downstairs to see what was going on.

THE FILM DIARIES OF BLUEBELL GADSBY
SCENE EIGHT (TRANSCRIPT)
THE HEADLESS CORPSE
Or The Inevitable Outcome of Releasing Your Pets

INTERIOR. DAY. THE GADSBY HOUSE.

Screaming grows louder as CAMERAMAN (BLUE) enters the kitchen, where DAD is holding RON and HERMIONE by the scruff of the neck. JASMINE jumps up and down around him trying to catch the kittens, who contort their bodies as they seek to escape, meowing piteously. On the floor lie the smashed remains of a fruit bowl, two kitchen chairs, several oranges, a squashed banana, and a decapitated baby rat. TWIG sits on the sofa, watching in awed fascination.

JAS

(screams)

IT'S YOUR FAULT! IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET THEM GO!!

 

DAD

(also screams)

YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING THESE ARE YOUR BABY RATS. THEY COULD BE ANY BABY RATS!! AND ANYWAY, IT WASN'T ME WHO KILLED THEM!!!

 

JAS

(roars)

BETSY WAS PREGNANT WHEN YOU LET HER ESCAPE! WHY ELSE WOULD THERE BE BABY RATS IN OUR GARDEN?

 

TWIG

Face it, Dad, you pulled the trigger yourself.

 

JAS and DAD

SHUT UP, TWIG!

 

DAD

(a little more calmly)

It is
not
my fault that this house is overrun by rodents and murderous felines.

 

JAS

(snarls)

This would never have happened if they were safe in their cage!

 

FLORA

(entering kitchen after Blue)

OH MY GOD, THERE'S A RAT WITHOUT A HEAD!!

 

Flora joins the debris on the floor in a dead faint. Dad drops the kittens and starts to slap her. The kittens pounce on the dead baby rat and drag it, snarling, under the dresser.

DAD

I want those creatures gone by tonight.

 

JAS

(now hysterical)

Daddy, please!

FLORA

(returns to consciousness)

Where am I?

 

DAD

IF THEY'RE NOT GONE BY MORNING, I WILL TAKE THEM TO THE PET SHOP! FIRST MY SHOES AND NOW A HEADLESS CORPSE!! WHAT IS
WRONG
WITH THIS FAMILY? CAN NO ONE ELSE SEE HOW WRONG THIS IS???

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24 (CONT.)

Dad's phone rang then and he stopped yelling because it was Mum calling from upstairs, telling him to stop shouting and also asking for a cup of tea. Flora staggered across to the sofa and said she felt sick and wanted tea too. Twig passed her a bucket. Jas sat down next to her and glared at Dad until he left.

“I thought he liked the kittens now,” she said.

“I don't think he likes anyone or anything right at the moment,” Flora said.

“Do you think he really will take them to the pet shop?”

“I think he's almost as mad as Zach's mother,” Flora replied.

Twig started doing angry Dad impersonations, scratching under his arms like a monkey and going, “I've got fleas! Who pooped in my shoes?”

“It's not funny,” said Jas.

“I've had a brilliant idea,” I said.

They all turned toward me, looking expectant. I do love it when they do that.

“We'll take them to Gloria,” I announced.

“That's your brilliant idea?” said Twig. “Are you sure she likes kittens?”

“They can be stable cats,” I said. “They'd love that Jas. They're half wild anyway, and you can visit them every week. You know if they stay here, they'll only keep on hunting down the rats. This way, the babies will get to grow up,
and
the kittens will be happy.”

Jas said my idea
was
brilliant, and that if Ron and Hermione couldn't live with us, there was nobody in the world she would rather they live with than Gloria. She wanted to take them right away.

“We'll go tomorrow,” I said. “It's already getting dark and I'm not getting murdered in that alley, not even for Ron and Hermione.”

“Dad said they had to be gone tonight.”

“I've had an idea for that too.”

“Not again,” groaned Zoran when Jas, Twig, and I turned up at his flat complete with two kittens, their litter tray, and sleeping box. “How many times do I have to say no?”

“One night,” I said.

“Dad's banished them,” Twig explained.

“Like Zach,” Jas added.

“Where is Zach, by the way?” I asked.

Zoran said he was in the shower.

“Is he okay?” I asked.

“Well he's not exactly tap-dancing and singing show tunes, but he's doing all right. Why?”

“Nothing,” I said.

If Zach hasn't told Zoran about seeing his mum, there's no way I'm getting involved.

Back home, I told Dad our plans about the kittens. I thought maybe he would grant a last-minute reprieve, like they do in books, but he didn't. Jas has also appealed to Mum one last time, but Mum says she doesn't want to upset Dad.

Zoran is meeting us tomorrow at the train station.

THE FILM DIARIES OF BLUEBELL GADSBY
SCENE NINE (TRANSCRIPT)
KITTEN HANDOVER

EXTERIOR. DAY. STREET SCENE, OUTSIDE A TRAIN STATION.

ZORAN stands waiting at the entrance to the train station, holding a cardboard box, from which loud meows and hisses emit. Passersby glance at him curiously. Zoran wears a thick leather jacket, leather gloves, and motorcycle boots. There is a vivid red scratch on his left cheek.

JASMINE takes the box from him and coos at it. Zoran glares at it malevolently. The box hisses louder.

ZORAN

Are you sure Gloria is going to want these horrors?

 

TWIG

Personally, I have my doubts.

 

JASMINE

(offended)

They are not horrors.

 

CAMERAMAN (BLUE)

(with fake breeziness)

Everybody loves kittens. Are you coming with us?

 

ZORAN

I feel I should. I'd feel responsible if anything happened to you on the train with those charming creatures in tow.

 

Cut to entrance of the stable yard. Zoran, Twig, Jas, Cameraman, and cardboard box are gathered outside the gate. The sky is bright blue and their breath comes out in little frozen puffs. Even the alleyway looks almost pretty in the sunshine. A clump of snowdrops has come out in the tiny patch of earth under the chestnut tree.

CAMERAMAN

(still being positive)

Nothing bad can happen on a day like today.

 

As one body, they turn into the yard, where ponies hang their heads over their boxes. BILL sits checking the straps on riding hats. GLORIA strides about looking splendid in skintight jodhpurs, drinking coffee and carrying a pitchfork.

Zoran gazes at her.

GLORIA

(kindly, to Jas, not appearing to notice Zoran)

You're a little early for your lesson, aren't you? What's in the box?

 

JAS

(suddenly unsure, casting imploring glances at Cameraman)

They're um . . . well . . . sort of . . .

 

Box meows loudly.

ZORAN

(still gazing)

We were wondering if you might . . .

 

CAMERAMAN

We thought in case you had mice . . .

 

TWIG

They're very good at killing rats.

 

JASMINE

(glares at Twig, before squaring her shoulders to announce confidently)

They are my kittens, and I would like them to come and live with you.

 

Gloria's mouth twitches. Zoran places the cardboard box on the floor. Gloria and Bill approach. Jas lifts up the lid. Two black kitten heads pop up, ears pricked, green eyes flashing like lightning, oversized whiskers twitching indignantly. Hermione is the first out. She leaps cleanly over the top of the box and pads cautiously into the yard, sniffing. Ron, who is fatter and clumsier, clips the edge of the box, falls to the ground, turns a somersault, and follows his sister with his short tail held high, like he missed his entrance on purpose.

Camera swings to Gloria. The expression on her face confirms fears that she is not a kitten person. She stares at them, baffled.

GLORIA

You're bringing me kittens?

 

ZORAN

(trying to be ingratiating)

We thought they might be useful.

 

GLORIA

But what am I going to do with . . .

 

She is interrupted by a new noise, a sort of wheezing, rumbling, spluttering sound, so unexpected it takes a moment to locate where it is coming from.

It is the sound of Bill, laughing.

Bill crouches down. Hermione, sensing a friend, marches up to him and rubs her face against his leg. Ron, not to be outdone, follows. Bill unmistakably coos.

Unlike his daughter, it appears he
is
the kitten type.

GLORIA

(face softening at the sight of her father petting kittens)

Have they had all their vaccinations yet?

 

Her eyes meet Zoran's for the first time and she blushes.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25

I'm writing this from the back of the car.

It was sweet, watching Zoran and Gloria connect like that, their eyes locking over a box full of kittens. I kind of wish Dodi had been there. It would have thrilled her romantic heart, but given everything that happened afterward, it feels like it took place almost in another life.

Gloria's blush only lasted about three seconds, but we all saw it.

“We met at the recital,” Zoran stammered.

Twig sniggered. I kicked him. Mopsy tried to sniff Hermione who scratched him on the nose; Ron found a corner to wee in; Jas and Bill wandered off into the tack room to find a place for the kittens' bed. And Flora turned up on Zoran's scooter.

“What the ****?” I thought Zoran's eyes were going to pop out of his head, and who can blame him, when one moment he is gazing goofily at Gloria and the next his hotheaded ex-charge, who for all he knows has never ridden a scooter in her life, turns up driving his personal property.

“Never mind all that!” Flora cried. “Zach has disappeared!”

“What do you mean?” cried Zoran.

“He's not answering his phone.”

“But that doesn't mean . . .”

“Will you just listen to me!” Flora shouted. Then she clambered off the scooter, took a deep breath, and told us what had happened.

“I argued with Zach yesterday,” she said. “But this morning, when I woke up, I wanted to say I was sorry. So I rang him.”

Flora being Flora, it wasn't enough for her just to leave a message. Instead, knowing he was working at Vinnie's this morning, she decided to pay him a surprise visit.

“But your father,” Zoran said. “You're not supposed to see . . .”

“Please,” said Flora.

Even though it was still early, Vinnie was already there, but he told her Zach had called in sick. So then she decided to call on Zach to minister to him on his sickbed but when she got to Zoran's, there was nobody there. She found the emergency key Zoran keeps hidden in a loos
e brick in the
wall for whenever Zach forgets his (“That's supposed to be a secret!” Zoran said, but she ignored him) and let herself into the flat, which is when she saw that Zach's things were gone, his clothes and his guitar and everything. So she panicked, grabbed Zoran's helmet and the keys to his scooter and rode over to Zach's grandfather's house.

“Why would he do that?” Zoran asked.

“In case his mum was there,” I explained. “Flora spent the day with them yesterday.”

“What! Why does nobody tell me anything?” Zoran sounded exasperated and furious and disappointed all at once.

“He sounds just like Dad,” Twig whispered.

“I wanted to last night, but I thought it would be better if Zach did,” I explained.

“You saw Zach's mum yesterday?” Jas asked Flora. She looked at me.
“And you knew?”

“Is anyone listening to a word I'm saying?” Flora shouted.

“Carry on,” ordered Zoran.

“There was nobody at the house. I rang the doorbell, and I checked in the garden, and then I shouted up at the window to Zach's room, and eventually a neighbor came out and said, if I was looking for Zach I was too late, because he had gone. He saw him leave this morning with Wanda and a rucksack and a guitar.”

Zoran was looking really confused.

“But he was asleep at home when I left!”

“Did you check on him?” I asked.

“I just assumed,” he admitted. Poor Zoran was shaking. Gloria took command.

“Where do you think he has gone?” she demanded.

“SPAIN!” Flora howled. “By boat! Today!”

Twig nodded and said. “The Portsmouth Santander service.”

“How do you
know
that?” Gloria asked.

“I have spent a lot of time recently studying transportation,” Twig replied.

Zoran looked like he did when he lost Twig on the train last year, only much, much worse. Gloria said, “We have to find out from which station and when trains leave for Portsmouth.”

“Trains to Portsmouth Harbor leave from Waterloo,” Twig said. “There are trains all the time. The next one leaves at ten, and gets in at eleven thirty-three. Of course, he might have caught the bus, which is cheaper, but slower. I don't know the bus timetables. The ferries leave at different times every day, depending on the tides. If someone gives me a smartphone, I can look up today's sailing time.”

“Thank goodness for Maisie's little brother,” Zoran muttered as he copied down train times. His phone rang. “Maybe it's Zach,” Zoran said hopefully, then he looked at the number. “Oh ****, it's his grandfather.”

He walked away from us to take the call.

Gloria raised an eyebrow at me. “Zach is the boy from the performance?”

“Yes.”

“And his grandfather?”

“Is in hospital. Zoran is supposed to be looking after Zach.”

“And the reason it's a bad thing Zach is with his mother?”

“She's a witch,” said Flora. “She keeps running away, and she tried to kill Mum.”

“I see,” Gloria said. “And are Zach and Zoran related?”

“Not even a little bit,” I said. “Zoran's just a very, very nice person.”

Gloria smiled.

Zoran came back from talking to Mr. Rudowski, looking shaken but also quite determined. “He wanted to know if we'd found his daughter.”

“What did he say when you said you'd lost his grandson?” asked Twig.

“He was understandably very upset,” Zoran said. “This time he said we should call the police.”

“And tell them what?” Gloria asked. “That a boy has run away with his mother?”

“It's all my fault!” cried Flora. “I was mean to him! Zoran, you have to do something! He can't run away with her, she's evil!”

“I don't think she's evil,” Zoran said slowly. “But I agree he can't go with her.”

He was holding his phone to his ear again. “Straight to answerphone.” He started tapping out a text.

“How can you text at a time like this!”

I've never seen Flora so hysterical.

“It's important. He might read a text, even if he's not answering his phone.”

“We have to
do
something, Zoran!” Flora begged

“Yes, but what?” Zoran said.

“Find him of course,” said Bill. Everyone turned around and looked at him like he was mad, or a genius, or maybe both.

“How?” asked Zoran.

Unlike Dad, Bill copes beautifully in a crisis.

“The train station, the bus station, and the harbor,” he said. “Chances are he's left town already, but you never know. Gloria'll take Waterloo, I'll go to Victoria, you get yourself down to Portsmouth.”

“By train?” Zoran looked confused.

“Don't be daft, man! By bike!”

We all looked a little bit skeptically across to where Zoran's electric scooter was parked under the chestnut tree.

“Not that thing!” Bill grunted. He shuffled across the yard
to the box right at the end of the row and threw the doors open. Inside stood what I have since discovered is a gleaming vintage Harley-Davidson.

“Mine, from a long time ago,” Bill said. “Still goes like the wind, though you'll have to top up the fuel. You'd better get going.”

“But you? How will you get to Waterloo? To Victoria? By train?”

Bill laughed then, a real laugh, not a wheeze.

“How do you think we'll get there?” he roared. “On horseback!”

And suddenly they were all running around like headless chickens.

“I'm coming with you!” Flora yelled as Zoran pulled his helmet on.

“I cannot take responsibility . . .”

“Bill, have you got a spare helmet? Leathers? Can I have some riding boots?”

“You go to Victoria, Gloria, I'll take Waterloo!”

“Flora,” I said, “oh, for God's sake, just get on!”

“I called my friend Penny who helps me sometimes,” Gloria cried, dashing past with a bridle and saddle. “She'll be here in about twenty minutes. Until then I'm leaving you kids in charge.”

Zoran gazed at her in admiration.

“Move!” Flora screeched.

They were all gone in less than ten minutes, in a cloud of diesel fumes and a clatter of hooves. I'm not sure it's good for horses to gallop down streets. I'm pretty certain it's illegal. But I do know I've never seen Bill look so happy.

“Do you think he really did used to be a jockey?” Jas sat on the floor, cuddling Ron and Hermione, while Flopsy nibbled her sweatshirt.

“Looks like it,” I said.

“Who do you think will find him?” asked Twig.

We started to try to guess—Gloria, because she's so cool! Bill, because he's the fastest!—but our conversation was cut short when our car shrieked into the yard and Dad threw open the door, demanding to know why he had just seen Flora riding off down the street on the back of a motorbike.

 

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, LATER

I had to stop writing because I was feeling sick. I have never been so fast in a car, ever.

It only took Dad about five minutes to get the whole story out of us. The minute he heard what Flora and Zoran were doing, he yelled that he was going after them. Then he realized he had no idea how to get to Portsmouth Harbor, and needed Twig to go with him because Twig is the only one who understands how to use the SatNav. I said I wanted to go too, which meant Jas also had to come because she's too small to be left alone.

“But we have to wait for Penny,” Jas said, partly because she is a very responsible stable hand but also because she was buying time for Zoran and Flora to get away.

Once we were finally off, Dad drove like a lunatic, yelling out random sentences like, “I only came to find you because I felt bad about the kittens!” and “Spain! Portsmouth! Motorbikes! Jesus!” and “WhyOWhyOWhy are we having another baby?”