Following Me (16 page)

She couldn’t get a grasp on it. 
Why
was she acting like this?
  She had gone a month without sex…only a month. 
It hadn’t been that long of a period of time without Reid.

Her body was betraying her mind. 
She wanted to scold herself for acting like a hormone-crazed teenager. 
Was
she such a carnal animal that she couldn’t go a month without wanting to fuck
everyone who got close enough to her?
  It didn’t make sense.  She refused
for it to make sense.

Devon stuffed her earbuds into
her ears and blasted Dustin’s music as loud as she could manage.  It had always
had a calming effect.  She let the angsty music rush over her body with its
anger and rebellion seeping deep into her pores.  She had initiated her own
rebellion and needed to see it through.  She couldn’t be distracted by
anything.  There was no way she could risk bringing anyone down with her.

She’d had the strength to propel
herself into action—to finally leave.  She now needed the strength to stay
away.  Devon couldn’t help but remember how it felt to be back in St. Louis,
helpless to her own desire for acceptance.  As much as she had tried to escape
everything that had happened, her life pinwheeled her through time and space. 
She felt upside-down and right-side-up.  She felt lost and so alone yet
completely surrounded.

All she wanted to do was to give
her body a release and free herself from her own trap.  But she wouldn’t let
herself.  She wouldn’t orient herself in that way.  If she did, then she would
only be accepting her attraction.  It would be better for her body to ache and
her mind to remember that she would have to go without… she
could
go
without.  She wasn’t beholden to her body’s demands.

She could initiate her own
rebellion.

THOSE NEXT TWO weeks were the best
Devon had experienced since coming to Chicago.  Working at Jenn’s was so taxing
that when she came back to the apartment, all she could do was fall into bed,
exhausted.  And she hadn’t had one nightmare during that whole time.

She worried that once the routine
started kicking in—when she didn’t feel the constant pain in her feet, or the
rush to always be moving, or the ring of orders in her brain—the dreams would
return.  She didn’t want to think about it.  She preferred to believe that she
had made the right choice, that the depression was sliding off her, and that
she was improving.  Devon didn’t want to face the alternative.

Either way, her attitude was much
improving with her mind occupied.

The main thing holding her back
was that Hadley still hadn’t gotten over what had happened.  Not that Devon
could blame her.  She had basically blackmailed Hadley into allowing her to
stay.  But Hadley didn’t know why Devon
needed
to stay.  If Hadley knew,
then she likely wouldn’t have been as pissed.  Devon just couldn’t tell her. 
Even before Hadley had avoided speaking with her for nearly a month, Devon
hadn’t felt comfortable telling Hadley about what had happened in St. Louis. 
Now with the strain in their relationship, it seemed even less likely.

When Hadley had found out she was
working at Jenn’s, it had been a disaster.  Hadley had walked into the
restaurant with her normal bounce in her step, slapped her ass right down on a
seat at the bar, and ordered the chicken from Brennan.  Devon had walked out of
the kitchen, balancing a tray of drinks on her shoulder.  As she had walked to
the booth to deliver the drinks, she caught Hadley’s eye.  All of her bounce
had disappeared.  She had muttered something to Brennan that Devon couldn’t
hear before she had stood and strode right out of the place.

Brennan had glanced between
Hadley’s retreating form and Devon.  “You guys in a fight?”

Devon had shrugged and averted
her gaze.  She had walked back into the kitchen, but Brennan followed her.

“You going to tell me what that
was all about?” he had asked.

“No.”  She had placed the tray
down and loaded it back up with food for another table.

“Aren’t you guys best friends?”
Brennan had prodded.

“Yes,” she had answered simply.

“Devon,” he had said, reaching
out and grabbing her arm, “is everything alright?”

That had become his mantra.  She
didn’t know how many times he had asked her that or how many times she had
lied. 
She was fine.  Fine.

Hadley
hadn’t shown up in Jenn’s since that day, or at least, she hadn’t shown up
anytime Devon was working.  In fact, Devon had only seen her in passing at the
apartment, too.  It was like Hadley was avoiding the apartment as much as Devon
had before she had gotten a job.  Devon had tried stopping Hadley to talk, but
she always pretended to be busy before she immediately left.  Devon worried
that she would go the rest of the summer without seeing her friend.  What she had
done was wrong, but she wanted to help Hadley if only Hadley would let her.

THE DAY THAT Hadley walked back into
Jenn’s Restaurant, Devon was so surprised that she nearly dropped her tray. 
She
had been lugging that thing around for how long, and she almost lost control of
it?
  When Amy, the other waitress on duty, glared at her, Devon quickly
recovered.

Devon slowly tried to go about
her business and not pay any extra attention to her friend.  She wasn’t a
particularly perceptive person to begin with, but Devon noticed everything
about Hadley that day.  Her business suit was as pristine as ever.  Her blonde
hair had been tied up into a French twist at the back of her scalp.  Her makeup
had been carefully applied.  She looked perfect.

Except where she didn’t.

Living with Hadley for
two-and-a-half years had given Devon a certain insight into her behavior that
most people wouldn’t normally pick up on.  Her eyes seemed a bit more hollow
than normal.  Her suit was too loose, like she had lost weight.  The bounce in
her step was missing entirely.  Hadley was in a low place even if she appeared
perfect on the outside.

Hadley sat down in her normal
seat.  She lifted her head, looked directly at Devon, and then snapped back to
face the front.

Devon sighed. 
So, that was
how it was going to be.
 This was some kind of turf battle.  Devon
certainly didn’t have a problem with her being there.  She just wished it were
under different circumstances.

Brennan approached Hadley and
took her order.  Instead of her typical drink, he passed a glass of water
across the bar.  Hadley looked up at him, and Devon could only guess the
seething look she was giving him.  Brennan knew as well as Devon did that
Hadley was in over her head.  Devon was lucky to have him on her side…or at least,
she thought he was on her side.  He hadn’t seemed particularly perturbed the
night he had told Devon that Hadley was using, but he had been extra cautious
about the subject ever since Hadley had stormed out of the restaurant.

When Hadley’s order was ready,
Brennan motioned Devon over.

“What’s up?” she asked
innocently, like she didn’t know that this was Hadley’s food.

“Will you take this out to
Hadley?” he asked just as innocently, like he didn’t know anything about Hadley
and Devon’s relationship.

Devon bit her lip.  “Are you sure
she won’t throw it at me?”

“You’re the one not answering
questions,” he said.

Devon didn’t even have a retort
for that.  She couldn’t answer questions—plain and simple.  She wasn’t
confident enough to tell anyone what had happened.  Maybe when she went back to
St. Louis in the fall, she would find that it was all in her head.

Instead of responding, she took
the tray from Brennan and walked through the swinging door.  Brennan followed
hot on her heels, stopping within a safe distance in case he had to intervene. 
Devon took a deep breath and walked right up to Hadley.  She placed Hadley’s
food down in front of her, and Hadley didn’t look up once.  Devon tucked her
tray under her arm and waited.

“You can go,” Hadley said coldly.

“Hadley, I’m sorry,” Devon
whispered.

“No,” she said, shaking her
head.  “I just want to eat lunch.”

“Can’t we talk?” Devon asked.

Hadley stood fiercely and glared
at Devon.  She turned on her heel and walked toward the door, and Devon just
stood there, dumbfounded.  Devon had never known Hadley to hold a grudge,
especially not one this ferocious. 
Were the drugs addling her brain this
much?  How much more was she using since she and Devon had last spoken?

Devon rushed around the bar, but
Brennan was already there, striding toward Hadley.  He reached her right before
she got to the door and pulled her aside.  Devon was close behind, but Brennan
shot her a warning look, so she retreated a few paces.  She was just close
enough to make out some of what they were saying.

“Come on, Hadley,” Brennan said,
dropping his arm.

“Why are you sticking your nose
in this?” Hadley asked.

“Why aren’t you giving her a
chance?  Didn’t you say she was your best friend?  Haven’t you known each other
for years?  What could
possibly
be keeping you from making up with her?”
he asked pointedly.

“Oh god, not you, too,” she
said.  “Don’t become a hypocrite.  I don’t need to hear it from you as well.”

“Hadley, I don’t give two shits
about what you’re doing in your free time.  I only care about who you’re
hurting—yourself and Devon.  This goes beyond you.  Just give her a chance.”

Devon could see the hard look in
his eyes even from where she stood. She marveled at his smooth words.  He
wasn’t one for conversation when they worked together.

“I can’t deal with this right
now,” Hadley said, pushing him away.

He reached out and took her arm
again.  “It doesn’t all have to be better today.  But don’t you think she’s
hurting, too?”

When he lowered his voice, Devon
strained to hear.

“Don’t you see that she’s here
for a reason?” he whispered.

Devon lost the rest as her
stomach dropped. 
How could Brennan know that?  Was she that obvious? Or was
he a good guesser?
 Either way, it terrified her that he was that
perceptive when they didn’t even talk all that often.  She had let her guard
down without even knowing it.

Retreating a couple more feet
until she was entirely out of earshot, she contemplated how she had let this
happen. 
When had she allowed herself to be this secure?  When had she
forgotten how tenuous the thread was, and how easily it could snap, bringing
down all her nightmares around her?

This wasn’t just about Brennan
because she hadn’t even known she was weakening around him.  This was about
Garrett, too.  He was just so incredibly nice, and she hadn’t met anyone quite
like him.  They had spent more and more time together, staying up to watch
Netflix late at night after they had gotten off work, laughing about the absurd
hours of their jobs, and marveling in their shared love of dessert. 
How
many times in the past week had she wanted to tell Garrett?
  She had held
her tongue, but the more comfortable she got, the more she wanted someone to
know.