Following Me (18 page)

She felt his eyes on her like she
was back in her dream.  While watching her, he was likely worried as he
wondered why she was weeping in the middle of the living room when she had been
fast asleep only a few minutes earlier.

Devon had thought the nightmares
were gone.  She had thought the dreams were in the past and that she had moved
on.  It had been weeks since she’d had one, and then this…

It was so close to reality.  It
was like her nightmares were getting closer and closer to the truth.  The dream
had felt so real.  She remembered the feeling of exhaustion, the pride in a job
well done, and wondering where Brennan was.  But Brennan had walked her home
earlier tonight, just like he had every night since she had started working
there, since her mental breakdown on the street.

The words rang in her ears over
and over again. 
“You thought you were safe, but you’ll never be safe.”

They were painful words that
breached her subconscious on a regular basis. 
Who was she to think that she
was safe?  How could she believe that everything she had run from would just be
back to normal when she returned?

Sitting up, Devon bent her legs
up to her chest and rested her forehead on her knees.  She couldn’t open her
eyes and face Garrett.  She didn’t know what he was thinking.  He probably just
thought she was a nutcase.  She had told him that she was sleeping better, and
now, here was proof that she wasn’t.

She heard the chair creak, and
then footsteps crossed the carpet.  The weight behind her shifted as Garrett
sat down on the couch.  He softly stroked her back a few times, and she cried
harder at the comforting touch.  He didn’t say anything.  He didn’t need to. 
Nothing he could say would help.  Nothing he could say would be better than the
soft embrace as he pulled her into his arms.  Devon leaned into his chest and
let her tears stain the neck of his polo shirt.  He rested one hand on the back
of her head as he held her in place, letting the pain rush through her.  At
times, he would rock her back and forth while stroking her hair.  Other times,
he would place his chin on the top of her head and just hold her.

When it felt like all her tears
were gone, Devon pulled back, and Garrett released her.  Finally opening her
eyes, she looked up at him and saw the worry on his face.  It was far deeper
than she had even anticipated. 
How could he even look at her? 
She was
an ugly crier and probably looked red and splotchy with a swollen face and
tear-battered cheeks.

“Are you all out of tears now?”
he said, his thumbs wiping the streaks of tears from under her eyes.

As he asked the question, more
tears welled in her eyes as she blinked up at him through her blurred vision.

“Hey now, it’s going to be
alright.”

Devon shook her head and looked
away from him.  She couldn’t face him.  She couldn’t bear for him to look at
her like this.  He was the only piece of sanity that she had been able to grasp
on to recently.  Hadley was so distant.  Devon hadn’t been able to reach out to
her at all.  Even though she had still been physically present, she was no
longer mentally there.  Brennan was a dangerous circumstance to consider.  He
watched her too intensely, and she was sure that he hadn’t forgotten their
kiss.  He kept his distance because he knew about Reid. 
But for how long?
 
Garrett had been her rock, her only sense of normalcy.

“I thought you said you were
sleeping better,” he said accusingly.

Devon swallowed hard, trying to
find her voice.  After that terrible nightmare, she wasn’t sure she could even
think straight.  “I thought I was, too,” she said, her voice hoarse.

“You’re back to crying when you
wake up.  Next, you’ll be screaming again.  What changed?” he asked.

“I don’t know.”  Staring down at
the white carpet, she tried not to think about it.

“Do you remember the dream?  Can
you tell me about it?” he asked cautiously.

She wanted to shut down.  She
didn’t want to discuss her dreams with anyone.  She didn’t even want to think
about them.  But here Garrett was, comforting her and helping her.  It felt
like no one else even cared.  Even though she hadn’t told other people, he was
here, and he was so damn nice.  Maybe she could trust him. 
Maybe…

Devon slowly nodded her head. 
“I…I remember,” she said softly.

“Will you tell me about it?” he
repeated.

The silence that lingered between
them was thick with tension.  He was waiting for her to answer, and she was
determined not to. 
What could she say to make him understand?
  She
couldn’t tell him everything.  She couldn’t tell him what had really happened. 
How would he react?  What would he do?

“You don’t have to tell me,”
Garrett said finally, staring down at the same space of carpet.  “I understand
if it’s personal.  I just want to help you.  Maybe talking about it will make
the dreams stop.”

Devon hadn’t thought of that. 
She didn’t think the dreams would ever stop.  They had stopped for the longest
stretch of time recently, and still, they had returned with a vengeance.

Garrett sighed softly as if he
thought he had lost.  “If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine,” he said,
beginning to rise.

Devon reached out and touched his
arm.  “Don’t go,” she whispered.

His eyes met hers then, and she
was sure that all he saw was a hollow shell looking back at him.  She felt
pitiful and worthless.  She just needed someone to believe in her.

He nodded and sat back down. 
“Are you going to tell me about the dream?”

“I’ve never talked about it
before,” she answered finally.  “Not really.”

“Well, I’m all ears.  You don’t
have to be afraid to talk to me.”

Taking a deep breath, Devon
began.  She told him what she had been experiencing in her dreams—how the
person would always chase her and how the landscape would alter but it would
always be the same person.  She didn’t know how she knew that it had been the
same person each time, but she just did.  She told him about the fear that had
gripped her, the inevitable end when she had been caught, and more recently,
the times she had been thrown down on the snowy white bed in the matching white
room.  But she didn’t tell him the words the person had spoken.  She wasn’t
prepared to release that much of herself.

Garrett listened intently the
whole time as if he was trying to really soak up what she had experienced.  The
longer she talked, the more invested he seemed to become in her story.  He
never laughed or made light of her dream even though at times when she was
telling the story, it didn’t actually seem as scary as it had been in her
sleep.

As the story came to a close, she
ended in a huff and just sat there in front of him with her fears laid out in
his lap.  She didn’t know how he would respond or what he would say.  She felt
exposed and more than a little bit silly.

“That sounds scary, Dev,” he
finally said.  “No wonder you wake up in tears.”

His eyes were filled with
sympathy, and she suddenly didn’t feel as silly.  His acceptance was
invigorating.  She felt justified in her fear rather than feeling childish.

“Why do you think you keep having
these dreams?  Do you have any idea?” he asked, taking her very seriously.

Another crossroad. 
How much
could she tell him?  Not the truth, not all of it.  Maybe just a piece. 
Definitely not the root cause.
  She wasn’t ready for that.  She didn’t know
if she would ever be ready for that.  She had to tell him something though.

“I have my suspicions,” she said
softly.

“Any you would like to share with
me?”

Devon sighed heavily. 
Here
goes nothing,
she thought.

“I, um…can only guess.  They’re
not reality.  I mean, I’ve never had anyone chase me,” she told him.

“Right.”

“Well…I didn’t come to Chicago
for a vacation,” she said as fast as she possibly could.

He nodded.  “When you decided to
stay, I figured that, but I didn’t want to pry.”

Devon hadn’t told anyone this
even though she knew Hadley and Brennan had speculated about the circumstances
of her staying.  And she couldn’t tell Garrett why either.  She just wasn’t
ready.

“I kind of ran away from my
life,” she whispered softly.  She was ashamed to even say it out loud.  It sounded
just as foolish as when she had recounted her dreams.

“What could be so bad that you
would want to run away?” he asked curiously.

He didn’t sound like he was
judging her, like she had expected.  He just sounded interested in her
problems. 
She could trust him.  She could begin to trust him.

“Well…I was kind of tired of my
life,” she said, tiptoeing around the real problem.  “I told my boyfriend that
I was in Paris with my family for the summer, and I told my family that I was
staying in St. Louis with my boyfriend.  Then, I called Hadley and hopped on
the first train here.  I needed to get away.  There were too many things I
couldn’t take anymore.  Sometimes, I feel like I was just being melodramatic
about the whole thing, like maybe it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.”

Before speaking, Garrett seemed
to consider what she had said.  “So, you think you’re having these dreams
because you ran away?”

“Maybe.  I don’t know,” she said,
not wanting to be any less vague.

“It must not have been easy to
get on a train like that.  I don’t know if I could do it,” he said, looking at
her admirably.  “Sometimes, I wish I could.”

“You?” she asked, not hiding her
shock.  “Why would you want to leave this?”

He laughed bitterly.  “For
someone so smart, you aren’t terribly perceptive, are you?”

She shook her head.  “Never have
been.”

“I have my own demons that I’d be
happy to run from.  My father, for one,” Garrett said, resting back heavily
into the sofa.

Devon wondered then what she
hadn’t wondered before.  Perhaps his life and the perfect relationship she had
thought he had with Hadley…wasn’t as perfect as she had suspected.  He didn’t
know about Hadley’s drug use—that much she was sure of. 
But how much of
that put a rift in their relationship?

“He’s controlling and demanding. 
He doesn’t see me for who I am.  He doesn’t care about anything that I care
about.  He doesn’t even like Hadley,” he said heavily.

“How could anyone not like
Hadley?” she asked.

He shrugged.  “I’m not sure.  He
just doesn’t think she’s good enough for me,” he said.  “What he means is that
she doesn’t have enough money.”

“But she has a wonderful job,”
Devon broke in
,
feeling like she needed to defend her friend.

Garrett shook his head.  “Old
money.  Status.  Prestige.  She’s from small town Missouri,” he said as if this
was sufficient explanation.

Devon understood then.  She had
dealt with prejudices her entire life.  She could see the weight on Garrett’s
shoulders as he fought for the girlfriend he wanted, and the strain it had put
on Hadley because she felt she would never be able to live up to it.  As Devon
recalled the first time she had stepped foot into the apartment, she understood
the statement Hadley had made about Garrett going to his dad’s.  Devon hadn’t
realized how anxious Hadley had looked until now.

Devon’s parents sometimes acted
like that, and she thought it was ridiculous.  Her family had lived in
Nashville for as long as Devon could even remember.  Old Southern money was a
privilege that afforded a person more luxuries than just status.  Devon had
taken it for granted a lot in her life.  She knew the pros and cons of that
lifestyle.  She could empathize with what Garrett was going through.

“I’ve been there,” she said,
reaching out to him and resting her hand on his.  “My parents are like that
sometimes.”

“Thanks,” he said, shrugging like
he didn’t want to talk about it any longer.

It was sure easier to talk about
him than her.  This conversation did seem to strike a bond that Devon couldn’t
shake.

“Sorry for changing the topic.  I
was trying to help you out with your dreams,” Garrett said.

Devon smiled.  “I think you
helped.”

“Yeah?” he asked, raising his
eyebrows.

“Yeah, I think so.  It was…nice
to talk about it and get it off my chest,” she said.

“I hope you sleep better now.  I
think you have too many good things going for you to keep you from waking up in
tears from your dreams.  Maybe getting away from everything is exactly what you
needed.”  He turned his hand over and squeezed hers gently.

“Maybe it is,” Devon said.

She wished she could believe it
as easily as he had said it.