Following Your Heart (34 page)

“I wasn't watching him.”

“Oh, I see,” Susan said with a grin. “So you
do
have an interest in James?”

Teresa blushed. “That's not the point, and you know it.”

“I think we should pray long and hard about your situation,” Susan said.

“Shh…” Teresa held her finger to her lips. “I think I hear something. A buggy's coming.”

“They go past the road all the time,” Susan said, picking up her book again.

Teresa stood and walked over to the window. She pushed the drapes aside again; this time Samuel was cradled in her other arm.

“It's him!” Teresa gasped. “He's come back.”

“Won't they take no for an answer?” Susan said, rising and moving toward the window.

“No, it's just James. Thomas isn't with him.”

Delight flashed across Susan's face. “My, talk about answered prayer! I do think you may be right.”

“I can't talk to him.” Teresa looked pale. “I have Samuel to take care of. He's not fed yet.”

“When
Da Hah
moves, there are always ways to say yes.” Susan took Teresa by the arm. “Samuel can wait for such an important thing as you visiting with his future
daett
.”

“Susan, please! Don't say such things,” Teresa protested. “James doesn't want another man's child. Besides, Yost may come visiting soon. You know it's about time for him to be back.”

“Just come!” Susan said, leading Teresa, who was still holding Samuel, out of the bedroom.

At the bottom of the stairs Anna was waiting for them. “I see James has come back. What shall I tell him this time? And don't you think it's about time you girls did your own talking?”

“I agree with that,”
Daett
said from his rocking chair.

“But Samuel needs to eat,” Teresa protested.

“I'll tend to the baby for a few minutes,”
Mamm
said, taking Samuel from Teresa's arms. “You can walk around the corner of the porch if you need a little privacy.”

Susan shook her head. “You will sit on the porch swing and have a nice long talk,” she ordered. “And I want to hear no more argument out of you.”

Teresa slipped on her coat, her cheeks flushed. Without a backward glance, she walked to the front door and opened it before there was even a knock. She might as well face James quickly. Let him think she was eager to see him. It wouldn't matter. One look at her face should clear him of any misconception.

“Oh, it's you!” James said from the bottom of the steps.

“Yes, it's me,” she replied. “You've come back.”

“I'm sorry about earlier,” James said, coming up to stand beside her. “I understand why you refused to see me. That was very clumsy of me bringing Thomas along. May I speak with you for a few minutes?”

Teresa looked over her shoulder at the closed door. “We can sit on the swing to talk. I'm afraid it can't be for long though.”

James followed her across the porch. The chains on the old swing groaned as they sat down. Silence settled around them for long moments.

Teresa glanced at James out of the corner of her eye. He was young, his arms bristling with muscles from the farmwork, the side of his face she could see unlined. Right now he was staring straight ahead. Clearly he was different from Yost—with other things on his mind than whether she could wash clothes or bake bread.

“I'm very sorry about how sudden and strange our relationship has been proceeding so far,” James finally said, his voice strained. “It must seem very odd to you. First, I talk with you after the Sunday night hymn singing, and then I show up here unexpectedly. That's probably not how things are done in the
Englisha
world.”

“I wouldn't worry about my old world,” she said. “I've almost forgotten it already. It's strange how such things fade away and so quickly. I thank the Lord every day for the wonderful opportunity I have of living among the people of the community. It's been an answer to my most fervent prayers.”

“I suppose you never thought about someone like me,” he said, looking sideways at her.

Teresa laughed. “No, but I doubt if you ever thought about someone like me either. I mean, how could you have? Your people don't do the wrong things that I've done.”

James shrugged. “You must not hold us up too high. We are also made of flesh and blood. We have our failings and shortcomings like anyone else.”

“I don't see any of your unmarried girls with babies,” Teresa said, rising to her feet, her cheeks burning. “James, you're a kind man, but you really need to go now. And you shouldn't come back like this again. I'm okay now. I know I don't have to marry Yost Byler if I don't want to. I really appreciate what you did for me—or tried to do for me. Menno has promised to give Yost and me a nice wedding after I'm baptized, just like the ones his own daughters had. That's more than I ever dreamed of. And James, I have you to thank for that. This way, I can always look back and speak to Samuel of my wedding day. A wedding day like all the other mothers in the community had. Thank you for that.”

“
Nee
,” James said, raising his hand. “I'm not trying to do things for you, Teresa. Well, maybe I was that first night. Maybe it started like that, but it's more than that now. Teresa, I want to know you better. You have such faith in
Da Hah
, such trust in Him, and apparently you'd marry Yost Byler even though you don't love him. All for the good of your child. That shows a wonderfully, deep,
gut
heart, Teresa. I'm attracted to that. Can you see that?”

“I won't change my mind, James,” she said, “for a whole bunch of reasons.”

“Please, Teresa, sit down,” James said. “Let's talk about it. Perhaps I can explain myself better.”

“Samuel is hungry,” she said. “I can't leave him for Anna or Susan to take care of. They do enough for me already. And Susan will want to leave for the hymn singing soon. You really should go, James.”

“Ah…” He jumped to his feet. “I have the perfect idea. I'll wait and drive you and Susan to the hymn singing. Afterward, I'll bring both of you home. You don't have to be embarrassed of me or worry I'm going to pressure you into anything. I'll drop you off after we get home and leave.”

“What good would that do?” Teresa asked, regarding him with a tilt of her head.

“I don't know,” James said. “Perhaps you could see then that I'm not the awful person you seem to think I am. We could talk at least.”

“You're not awful,” Teresa said. “I know that. The problem isn't with you; it's with me and my situation.”

“Please let me take you,” James said, ignoring her words.

Teresa absently bit her lip as she thought for a moment. “I'll have to ask Susan.”

“I'll wait,” he said.

Teresa walked across the porch, her long dress brushing the floor and railing. At the corner she turned to look back.

James smiled.

Teresa felt an odd sensation in her stomach at the sight of his warm smile.

“Well, what did he say?” Susan asked as soon as Teresa opened the door. She was sitting on the couch with the squirming baby.

“He's still on the porch,”
Mamm
said.

“James wants to drive us both to the hymn singing and bring us back,” Teresa said. “I told him I'd ask you.”

“Is he staying afterward?”
Mamm
asked.

Teresa shook her head.

“And you agreed?” Susan said.

“I said I would ask you.”

“It's okay with me,” Susan said. “I think it's a good thing, Teresa. Here, take the baby. Go upstairs with him. I'll bring James in, and when you're ready we can leave.”

“We never had such
kafuffles
when we were young people,”
Mamm
commented.

“That's because you didn't have as much fun,” Susan said, waving Teresa upstairs with the back of her hand.

Teresa made her way up the stairs with a prayer on her lips.
Dear God, I can't believe I'm doing this. I said I'd never entertain such thoughts of young men again, and here I am agreeing to go somewhere with one. I do think I'm still the same girl I was. Will You help me do the right thing?
Teresa took Samuel into her room and laid him on the bed. He cried, but she stilled him with a whispered, “I'll be with you in a minute, little one.” Finding a match in the dresser drawer, she lit the kerosene lamp, and then fed the baby by its flickering light. He watched her with wide-open eyes, seeming to search the depths of her soul.

“Oh, you poor child!” Tears ran down her face. “How could I have brought you into the world without a proper father? I see now how wicked it was of me. I was thinking only of me and what I needed. I promise you, I won't do that anymore, little one. I'll put your interests first—only yours. I'll find you the best father I possibly can. I don't care what my heart wants. It's what you need that's important. And what you need is someone stable. Someone who will provide for you. Someone who doesn't run away when rough times come. Someone who will love me regardless of how fat I become or how ugly I get in my old age. I promise you, baby Samuel, that you will have someone like that for a dad. I have the faith in my heart that God has given to me. I know He will not betray you…will not betray
us.
”

Samuel blinked and swallowed. His eyes were deep and full with flickering shadows dancing on their mirrored surfaces.

Teresa would not let Samuel down. She would marry Yost as soon as she was baptized.

W
hen she had finished feeding Samuel, Teresa came down the stairs, pausing on the last step before entering the living room.

James stood to his feet when she entered and smiled generously.

Teresa hardly knew how to respond. Couldn't he notice the baby in her arms? She was not an unsoiled girl. She was a mother without a father for her child. She was something surely shameful in the Amish world. Her face ought to be burning with shame. Instead, she found herself returning his smile.

“It's high time we get going,” Susan said, taking Samuel from Teresa's arms and handing him to
Mamm
seated in her rocking chair.

“He's a good-looking child,” James said, nodding toward
Mamm.

“And well-tempered,”
Mamm
agreed. “And I guess I should know with nine children. But they all were girls. Maybe baby boys are naturally better tempered.”

“Oh, I think they are!” James said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Now
Mamm
,” Susan said. “Why did you go give James a chance like that? You know girl babies are always easier to take care of.”

Daett
laughed. “Babies come from
Da Hah
in all shapes and sizes,” he said, “and I was perfectly happy with my nine girls.”

“There you go,” Susan said. “That's well-spoken, so wipe that grin off your face, James. Now we better go before we miss supper at the hymn singing.”

James held his hand out. “Shall we go then?”

Teresa stared at his outstretched hand. Was she supposed to take it? Was he leading her out to the buggy? Surely not. The community had no such practices that she had ever seen. James must simply be inviting her to come.

“Oh,” Teresa said. “Yes. I'm ready.”

Susan was already at the front door, waiting. Teresa walked past James, keeping her eyes down, not looking at his face. Opening the door, Susan smiled, motioning for Teresa to go first. Walking together in silence toward the buggy, the two girls climbed in while James untied the horse.

“It's awful tight in here,” Teresa whispered. Why had she not thought of this before? There was hardly room for two, let alone three people.