Fool for Love (Believe #2) (33 page)

I feel arms surrounding me from behind, and I begin to shake uncontrollably.

“I woke up in hospital a week later. I was the only one of us who was granted the curse of continuing on with my life – to breathe again.”

I turn in Suzy’s arms and allow her to see my tears.

“But I haven’t been able to live since that night…since I killed them.”

I brace myself, ready to face the disgust that’s bound to show in her eyes. But, instead of pushing me away, she cradles my face in her hands and leans up on her toes.

“Garrett,” she breathes softly. “It was an accident.”

“I was fucking drunk, Suzy,” I growl. “I shouldn’t have been driving at all.”

She nods. “I know, you shouldn’t have. But, honey, you’d just been dealt a mighty blow. You said it yourself, you weren’t thinking clearly.”

“I still killed them. I’m still responsible for their deaths.”

She tilts her head to the side and takes her time to examine my face as her soft fingers wipe away my tears. I keep waiting for the disgust to appear in her eyes.

Waiting…and waiting.

But it doesn’t come.

I frown at her, nonplussed.

“Why aren’t you trying to get away from me now?” I ask her, keeping my hands hanging at my sides. I won’t reach for her until she gives me permission.

She smiles gently at me.

“Because you’ve had over a decade to mourn, and to regret your actions, Garrett. I think you’ve repented enough. Still, I’ve no doubt that you’ll keep up your self-hatred until you learn to forgive yourself.”

“You should leave me be,” I murmur. As I speak, my arms wrap around her waist, belying my words. My head and my heart are at war with each other, the two sides pulling me in opposite directions.

“Let me ask you something,” she begins.

I hold my breath for a couple of seconds.

“Go ahead.”

“Have you ever considered that either your brother or Cecilia could have done more to try to stop you? Or that they could have chosen to
not
get into your car with you?”

Slowly, I shake my head.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not to blame.”

“I know, Garrett, but you can spend the rest of your life locking your heart away, living out your life alone and miserable, but…” She gets even closer, and our mouths are only inches apart.

“But do you think they would want that for you?” My hands flex at her hips, caught in surprise.

She keeps going, piercing me with her words.

“No, they wouldn’t, honey. They would want to see you living your life, happy and with a family of your own.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “You can’t know that.”

“Of course not, because I’m not a psychic. However, I’d like to believe that the souls that leave this earth would hate to see their loved ones perish away, overcome with heartache. Despite everything, Garrett, they
loved
you.”

I grit my teeth.

“You don’t believe me, I know,” she continues, her hands caressing the hair at the nape of my neck.

“Life is for the living. You need to make the most of the time you have, or all those years will have been for nothing.”

“What if I don’t want to keep going?”

“You’re still here, aren’t you?” she counters. The passion in her voice can’t be missed. “If you had completely given up hope, you’d have ended your own life long ago.”

I try to push her away, but her hold tightens around my neck.

“Think about it, Garrett. Why didn’t you end it? Why keep on going if you thought you didn’t deserve to be alive?”

“Because I deserve a life akin to hell on earth!” I raise my voice. “To live with the knowledge that happiness will never be granted to me.
That’s
my punishment!
That’s
my sentence. I might have gotten off easy in the eyes of the law, but I know better. I
deserve
a life of misery, waif.”

Sadness fills her eyes as she leans away from me.

“Life’s too short for regrets. Even I know that.”

Exhaustion fills me, and I shake my head. It must be written all over my face, because Suzy lets me go but then takes my hand as she begins to walk backwards.

“You’re a stubborn man, Garrett Thompson. I can see it’s going to take some time to convince you that I’m right. For now, let’s get some sleep. It’s been a long day for us both.”

Silently, I follow her and stop by the couch, but she pulls me towards her bed. I stiffen slightly, but she shakes her head at me.

“Enough with your stupid rules, Garrett. You’re not my Dom tonight. Tonight, let me comfort you. Just lie down beside me and let me hold you as you sleep.”

I watch her as she tugs her dress over her head, and my breath quickens when her naked body is revealed to me. While I wish that I could keep my promise from earlier to her, but I’m done for today.

“I wish I could see the world like you do, Suzy,” I admit as she unbuttons my shirt. “I wish it wasn’t too late for me.”

She remains silent as she unbuckles the belt in my pants, a thoughtful line between her eyes.

“Stop worrying about tomorrow until tomorrow arrives,” she says as she removes my shirt. “Please try to rest tonight.” She smiles gently at me.

I don’t agree with her, but I let it go, because she’s right. I
do
need to rest.

I remove my shoes and socks and take off my pants. As we stand before each other, the moonlight illuminating her before me, I notice the intimacy cloaking us in its light for the first time.

The heat simmers below the surface, like it always does when I’m near her. But it’s not the dominant force this night.

This is more than sex.

It’s more than a Dominant standing before his submissive.

And it scares me out of my ever-loving mind.

I release my hair, so it falls down my back, and sigh, weary from the emotional upheaval we’ve just been through. Then I watch as Suzy turns down the blankets on the bed. She scoots in and I follow soon after. I lie on my back, and she turns to me, an arm over my stomach and both her legs tangled with mine. It feels as if she wants to be sure that I can’t leave the bed when she’s fallen asleep without her finding out about it.

She puts her right hand on the tattoo over my heart.

“Now I know what this one stands for,” she murmurs, and I swallow the lump in my throat. She opens her mouth to say something more, but then sighs slightly, and I wonder what made her lose her courage for once.

She leans down and brushes her mouth over mine, and the zing that always shoots through me when she kisses me hits me straight in my heart. She doesn’t take it further, though, and I close my eyes when she places her head on my shoulder.

“Sleep, honey,” she mumbles.

I close my eyes.

But sleep won’t come. Not even when I feel her body relax further into mine, or when I hear the faint snores falling from her mouth.

My mind won’t rest. It keeps reliving that horrible night, or what I remember of it, over and over again until it circles back to Suzy’s words.

Life is for the living.

I don’t give in to the small seed of hope she has planted in my once so cold heart.

I want to flee from the foreign emotions coursing through me at this very moment. I have to keep reminding myself to keep my heart closed off under lock and key, and in order to do that, I must push Suzy away from me for good.

The thought makes me sick to my stomach, but it’s for the best.

I cuddle closer to her and kiss her forehead.

“Sleep, my waif…the morning will come soon enough.”

Something akin to a needle pierces through my heart. I lie there, close to her, unable to sleep despite my exhaustion, as it bleeds on throughout the night.

A plan begins to form in my mind – a plan to push her away.

She will come to hate me in the morning, but it’s the only way I can think of to keep my heart intact – before I fall head over heels in love with her and begin to believe that I could ever have a future with her in it.

Before I ruin her forever.

And before I ruin myself.

N
AUSEA FILLS ME AS
we sit side by side at the bar the next morning. Or early afternoon, I should say, as it’s past noon already. I’ve been trying to distance myself from Suzy since she woke up, keeping my silence for the most part. Not touching her is unbearable. Pure torture.

It’s a good thing I have a meeting downtown today with my lawyer so I can get even further away from her. I can feel her checking out the business attire I’m wearing, and she seems puzzled by seeing me wearing clothes that are so foreign to me.

Or that’s what she thinks, at least.

Most people only see what I allow them to see. While I have been letting down my guard lately with regards to Suzy, it’s about time I remember who I am and reign in my feelings.

I fucking hate myself.

“I need you to make yourself scarce tonight,” I tell Suzy as I stand from my seat with my plate in hand. Purposefully avoiding a glance in her direction, I walk to the kitchen sink to clear my things.

“Why is that?”

I keep my back to her as I put the plate in the dishwasher.

“I have a…private party around nine pm. It would be better if you weren’t around to see it.”

I let the cryptic remark fester in that clever head of hers as I roll down the sleeves on my white button-down shirt. Finally, I turn back towards her and find her staring off in space, a thoughtful frown in place.

I sigh, seeming impatient, and then go on. “Anyway, can you disappear for the night? Yes or no?”

I’m acting like a cold bastard, but it’s the only way.

She looks down, a frown marring her pretty face, but I don’t reach for her, even though my soul is screaming at me to do just that – to apologise for treating her like this. Biting my tongue, I don’t ask her what’s on her mind. That would defeat the purpose of letting her go. Instead, I walk back to grab my suit jacket hanging on the back of my bar stool.

“Does us having sex mean that we’re exclusive?” she asks me, almost causing me to stumble from the surprise. I force my face to remain blank when I lift my head to stare at her.

She tilts her head at me. “You never did tell me the other day even though you said you would.”