For Better or Worse (Book 2 in the Forgiving Hearts Trilogy) (6 page)

She leaned against the counter. “You think of everything, don’t you?”

Everything except a way to make her fall in love with him.
He scooped coffee into the filter. “I got that from my mom. She has a knack for figuring out what people like and making sure she has it when they come. I asked her once how she did it, and she said, ‘You can learn a lot about someone by just listening to them’. I guess that sort of stuck, and I find myself doing it, too.”

“Most people are so consumed with themselves that they miss what the other person is saying.”

Jackson reached into the cabinet for two cups. “What’s consuming your thoughts tonight?”

She avoided his eyes. “Mitchell came to see me over the weekend.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“No, not really. It was just a repeat of what we’ve been arguing about for the last year. I’ve done everything he’s asked me to do. Why can’t he do the one thing I want? Am I unreasonable to want to get married?”

“Of course you’re not. Living together isn’t God’s way, Hannah. It only provides temporary satisfaction. When two people love each other, they should get married.”

“Mitchell doesn’t see things that way.”

“Then you’re better off without him.”

“I know that.” She took the cup he handed her. “In a way, I wish he hadn’t come. Being with him stirred up all the feelings I’ve tried to put behind me.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but if he hasn’t changed his mind about marriage by now, he probably isn’t going to. Once you accept that, the decision comes down to whether you want to do things your way or God’s way. Personally, I don’t think you’ll ever be happy living with Mitchell outside of marriage because you know it’s wrong. If you thought it was right, you’d never have left him in the first place.”

“Everything is black and white with you, isn’t it? It’s either wrong or right. There’s no middle ground. Don’t you ever get tired of not being able to do what you want?”

Jackson took a drink of coffee. “God’s word is black and white about most things of importance. The Bible tells us that ‘strait is the gate and narrow is the way which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.’ It isn’t easy to do what’s right; it requires sacrifice, faith and discipline. But it’s the only way to have the joy and tranquility of mind that comes with being a child of God.”

Hannah smiled faintly. “Sacrifice, faith and discipline: I don’t like to do the first, and I don’t possess much of either of the others.”

“They’re not things we have naturally. They’re acquired by going through difficult experiences and learning to trust God.”

“Like you did when you had your accident?”

“That as well as other things. The worst time I had was losing my dad. I didn’t understand how God could take such a good man in the prime of his life and leave my mother without the comfort of a husband.”

“Do you understand now?”

Jackson shook his head. “No, I don’t, but it’s not for me to question the One who spoke the world into being.”

She put down her cup. “That’s what it really comes down to, isn’t it? If we believe God created us, it becomes reasonable that He expects obedience.”

“That’s exactly right. We’re not our own; we belong to Him.”

“I appreciate you hearing me out and being honest with me in return. There isn’t anyone else I can talk to about this.”

“Like I said, I’m here anytime you need to talk or just want someone to pray with.”

She glanced at her watch. “We’ve talked enough for one night. My math problems aren’t going to work themselves. We need to get started.”

* * * *

Hannah stared in horror at the white stick in her hand.
This had to be a mistake.
After being careful for so long, she couldn’t have let this happen.
Her mind drifted back to the weekend Mitchell spent with her and she groaned audibly. How could she have been so stupid as to sleep with him?

“Please, God, not this,” she said through her tears. “Not now, not when I’m trying to get my life on the right track again.”

Wiping her eyes, she reached for the other stick in the package. Maybe she hadn’t done it right. She read through the entire packet of material again. Her common sense told her this was a waste of time. There was
nothing
to do wrong. These pregnancy tests were so simple a child could do them. A few minutes later, two white sticks lay on the bathroom counter, both of them telling her the same thing.

She angrily swept the sticks into the garbage can and slumped down to the floor.
Was this her punishment for ignoring God all these years?
A sob erupted from deep inside her, quickly followed by another and another.
She wasn’t ready for this. How could she be a mother when she couldn’t even manage her own life?

The chime of the clock in the living room finally penetrated her thoughts.
She had to be at work by noon!
Jumping to her feet, she turned on the shower and tore off the rest of her clothes. As the hot water ran over her skin, she forced her thoughts away from the glaring fact that she’d compounded the worst mistake of her life.

It wasn’t until she was in the car that she remembered Mitchell. A fresh wave of apprehension washed over her. They hadn’t discussed the subject in years, but when they had, he’d been adamant about not wanting children. It had shocked her that someone could so definitively state that they didn’t want children. Everyone wanted children eventually, didn’t they?

By the end of her shift, Hannah had convinced herself that Mitchell might not be pleased about the baby, but he would come around. He had to.
She couldn’t raise this child on her own.
He claimed to love her. He had willingly participated in this child’s creation. He couldn’t just walk away and do nothing.
When she told him how much she needed him, he wouldn’t refuse.
Even he would see the importance of them getting married.

She went back and forth over these points and all the pros and cons of her situation a hundred times during the next few days. Only then did she finally work up the courage to call Mitchell.

* * * *

Jackson was returning from a walk with Freya when he noticed Hannah’s car parked in his driveway. As he got closer, she got out and walked over to meet him, reaching down to scratch the sensitive spot behind Freya’s ears.

“I could have called, but I wanted to deliver my good news in person.”

He smiled at her. “Do you want to tell me here or inside?”

“Let’s go inside. I made you a sweet potato pie.”

“You
made
it?”

“Don’t act so surprised. Just because I don’t cook doesn’t mean I can’t.”

As he held open the front door, he asked, “Did you know sweet potato is my favorite pie in the whole world?”

“I didn’t until I called your mom yesterday. We had a nice long conversation about you. I know all your secrets now, Jackson.”

He made a mental note to call his mom and find out what they’d talked about. “That’s a scary thought.”

Hannah carried the pie into the kitchen and started making coffee. “You can take care of Freya while I do this. You’ll want to wash your hands, too.”

As he removed Freya’s leash and hung it on the wall, he hid a smile. She sounded like a wife. This he could get used to; it was too bad it would never happen.

When he returned from the bathroom, she handed him two plates. “Carry these into the living room while I get the coffee.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Am I being too bossy?”

“Not at all. I feel right at home.”

She stuck out her tongue at him. “Get out of here before I leave and take my pie with me.”

“Sweet girls from Cochran don’t do things like that.”

Hannah picked up the coffee cups from the counter. “That won’t work either, Jackson. I’m immune to your Southern charm.”

He laughed softly. “I’ll have to do something about that.”

After they sat down on the couch, she said, “All kidding aside, I hope you like the pie because it’s your thank-you gift for helping me get an 87 on my algebra final.”

Jackson whistled. “An 87? That’s great, Hannah.”

“I couldn’t believe it when the teacher handed it to me.”

“Your hard work paid off.”

“Don’t you mean
our
hard work? I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I’m glad I was able to help. I’m even happier that you made me a pie. Can I try it now or are you going to torture me by making me stare at it for the rest of the day?”

“No torture was intended. Go for it.”

Jackson took a bite and a big grin settled on his face. “Wow, this is fantastic!”

The faintest tinge of pink entered her cheeks. “Thank you.”

He finished his piece in three quick bites. “I’m going to have another slice.”

“Have as much as you like.”

“Is everything else going okay?” he asked when he returned with the pie.

She shrugged. “Work and school are fine. My personal life is another story. I’m pregnant, Jackson.” At the shocked look on his face, she went on hurriedly. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that.”

He wondered
how
she meant to tell him and then realized it didn’t matter. He also knew she was waiting for some kind of response, but he couldn’t think of anything remotely appropriate. “That was the last thing I was expecting you to say.”

“It was the last thing Mitchell was expecting me to say, too. He couldn’t speak for five minutes and when he did, I wished he’d stayed silent. Part of me actually believed this might be the catalyst that would give me what I’ve dreamed about for so long, but I was wrong.” Her lips started to tremble. “He wanted me to get an abortion. Can you believe that? When I refused, he accused me of doing this on purpose.” She covered her face with her hands. “How could he think that about me? Doesn’t he know me at all?”

The hurt in her voice was his undoing. Jackson put down his plate and drew her into his arms. The wetness of her tears on his shirt sent a flame of rage and resentment through him.
How could Mitchell do this to Hannah and his own child?
Swallowing the words he wanted to say, he ran his fingers gently through her hair.

“I don’t know Mitchell’s reasons, but I imagine your news took him by surprise. Once he’s had time to think about it, he might change his mind.”

“Do you really think so?” she asked in a muffled voice.

What Jackson really thought had to remain unsaid.
“If I was in his shoes, no power on earth would keep me from marrying you.”

She laughed weakly. “You wouldn’t get yourself in this mess to begin with. You would never compromise your beliefs the way I did. I rationalized all kinds of things by telling myself I was going to marry Mitchell anyway. We loved each other. Why should we have to wait for a church ceremony to fully express it? Once I started down that path, there was no going back. Well, my sins have finally caught up with me.”

“Sin catches up with everyone, Hannah. The important thing is that you acknowledge them and ask God to forgive you. He doesn’t expect perfection, but He does expect us to repent and turn away from sin. We can’t just say ‘forgive me, Lord’ and then go right back to the behavior that got us into trouble in the first place.”

She drew back the few inches necessary to look at him. “You’re strong, Jackson and not just in a physical sense. You’re emotionally and spiritually strong.”

His arms momentarily tightened in response to her words and then he released her. “You can be, too, if you let God help you. None of us are strong enough to resist temptation on our own.”

She rubbed her hands up and down her arms as if she was cold. “I’ve been going in the wrong direction for too long. I feel as if I need to fix myself before I come back to God.”

Jackson shook his head. “You can’t fix yourself. Only God can do that.”

Hannah sighed heavily. “I know you’re right. I just have to do it.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, Hannah. Do you want me to pray with you?”

“Would you?”

“I’d love to.” He took her small hands into his and bowed his head. “Father, I thank You for loving us no matter what we do. I pray that You’ll speak to Hannah’s heart. She’s hurting right now and needs Your wisdom and strength. Help her as a child of God to return to You. I also ask that You watch over the baby she carries. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

When he opened his eyes, Hannah had tears in her eyes. “Thank you, Jackson.”

“Any time you need to talk or pray together, I’m here for you.”

“I’ve already been doing the talking part. I tell you things I won’t even admit to myself. I guess it’s because you care. There’s nothing more comforting than being able to talk to someone who not only listens, but takes an interest in what is being said.”

If she only knew how
much
he cared. “I know the issue with Mitchell makes this a delicate subject, but how do you feel about having a baby?”