For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (14 page)

“What makes you think Anne is wrong about him?”

“Well, I don’t think he would do that to Aaron. I don’t think he’s attracted to me, he saw me at my absolute worst.”

Rhys ran his fingers through his hair roughly and muttered something to himself. “You really don’t understand men. If he likes you, he’ll find a way to make it happen despite Aaron. In fact, he could miss Aaron but see the turn of events as a sign that you’re meant for him. You’re very beautiful, Ellie, inside and out; it wouldn’t be a shock to know a man is attracted to you despite seeing you at what you claim is your worst.”

My entire focus was on how he’d just called me beautiful. It echoed in my head and my heart was racing. Somehow I managed to say, “I wasn’t beautiful at my worst, trust me.”

He shook his head. “You’re always beautiful, even after you’re soaked in sweat from your run.”

Friends don’t say things like that, and a visible flush came into my cheeks. His words rendered me speechless as I thought about the day he found me in the park. I was filthy after running almost five miles, but apparently he didn’t notice. He did detect my reaction to his blunt comment, though, and nervously scratched his jaw. A dark cloud entered his eyes and I wasn't certain if it was filled with regret from his words or because I was seeing James for dinner this week.

“What?” he said, nervously questioning my silence.

“Nothing,” I shook my head.

“Have I offended you?”

“No, I’m just not used to hearing stuff like that, you know that.”

“Does it bother you?” He pursed his lips.

“No. It’s new, but nice.” Actually, his words left me uneasy, but in the best way.

“Good to know,” he smiled cockily, his jaw protruding a little. “You know, I drove by your flat today and it was odd not stopping by.”

“Aw, it’s funny. I miss London more than I ever have.”

“It’s become home…”

“ Yeah, I guess it has.”

CHAPTER TEN

R
hys and I spoke for almost an hour. I fell asleep easily after, high on thoughts of him and I dreamed nonstop throughout the night. I woke up heated, and passed out only to fall back into the same dream. It started in my flat and then Rhys knocked on my door, except he let himself in with his key and brought in groceries for us. Aaron’s picture was still on my desk and Rhys and I were laughing and happy in the moment. Then, very suddenly, I was in my childhood room sitting with Aaron on the bed. We were still in high school, laughing and listening to our favorite bands as we cuddled.

My door was open and from downstairs I could hear my name being called. When I went to see who it was, instead of seeing my parents’ hallway, I walked out into the cemetery at my current age. I knew I was close, so I walked straight to Aaron’s grave. Rhys was standing there staring at the inscription, only looking up at me when I approached.

He didn’t say anything, but to his side I could see a translucent version Aaron. Rhys reached his hand to lead me away and when I took it, he began pulling me slowly, only to have Aaron reach out his hand too. I ended up being pulled by both of them, but Rhys couldn’t understand since he didn’t see Aaron, and then Aaron let me go and whispered, “Tell him,” and I woke up.

I was covered in sweat, feeling lonely, sad and most of all confused. I had nightmares that still made me uncomfortable, but nothing like that. And the last part was so vivid, but I didn’t understand what Aaron meant when he said to tell him. I thought about how Aaron appeared ghost-like and feared it was because I’d been making him a ghost, slowly pushing him behind the newer memories of Rhys. I almost fell off the bed when my door burst open and my mother came in.

“Mom! What the heck?”

“No!” she huffed out. “That’s what I should be saying, you were screaming!”

“I was?” I asked, sitting up in the bed. “Sorry…I was dreaming.”

My mother looked at me sympathetically. “It’s okay, hun.” She slowly approached me and pushed some hair off my forehead. Then she sat at the foot of my bed. “You still have them?”

I nodded. “But this one was different. It’s a long story.”

“I have nothing to do today…so stop shutting me out.”

“I’m not, it’s just complicated.”

She further situated herself on the edge of my bed, passively hinting that she wasn’t leaving. This was typical of her. Her approach was to camp out until I spoke, and I would always give in. I explained that I had developed feelings for Rhys, feelings that seemed reciprocated, but that I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. She listened intently when I recapped my dream, and then I told her how amazing Rhys had been in accepting Aaron, in accepting me. That he listened and didn’t judge, that he wasn’t uncomfortable when I compared them or spoke of the past. I explained that Rhys was a perfect gentleman and friend.

“On top of that he’s rich and gorgeous...”

“God, it’s scary how similar you and Anne are.” I rolled my eyes. “But you’re not getting the point. I don’t know what to do. It’s as though I’m being pulled from my past into a future that may not be realistic. I don’t want to forget Aaron, but I haven’t felt this way since being with him. I didn’t plan on this when I moved, yet I can’t seem to escape the idea that this was meant to happen. I think he wanted this for me, remember he told me to move on… I can’t stop replaying that night in my mind.”

She grabbed my feet under the covers and squeezed them with love in her eyes. Sighing, she began, “Baby, there’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. We aren’t meant to be alone. That boy loved you since day one, even though your scrawny father tried intimidating him with a baseball bat. It was so ridiculous, remember?" she laughed. "Yet he still kept coming back, loving and respecting you like I couldn’t imagine. I can’t tell you why you had to lose Aaron…I’ve questioned it hundreds of times, but what I can say is Aaron would want you to continue living. I think you know this already, your brain’s trying to tell you when you sleep.”

“I’m terrified I’ll break Max and Julie’s hearts.”

“Are you going to tell them?”

“I wasn’t going to, but if anything happens with Rhys, which it probably won’t, I know people could find out and I don’t want it to seem as if I hid it. I don’t want them to think I’m forgetting their son.”

“They would never think that of you. Trust me, they know how much you loved Aaron. When are you seeing them?”

“Tuesday for lunch.”

“See how you feel; tell them, don’t tell them, but do what's right for you.”

I nodded, and she stood up and walked to my doorway. Pausing for a moment, she leaned against the frame and turned back. “I’m glad you’re hopeful again. I prayed you would be, but I’ll admit there was a time when I couldn’t see the light for you again. You lost yourself with him, but it seems you’re finding yourself again, and that’s a great thing. Even if nothing comes from this relationship-wise, Rhys has already done a lot for you.”

“Thanks, mom.”

She smiled slightly and said, “Come down for breakfast when you’re ready.”

∞

The day flew by. I went for a run and napped again, still recovering from the long semester. I also went shopping with my mom and told her some stories of Rhys and I. She laughed at the typical things I did around him, saying she could picture me doing it. Rhys had texted me midday and I was so glad my mother was in a fitting room when I got it, because I smiled like an idiot.

Rhys: It was so lovely talking to you. Nice to see you after a few days.

I didn’t answer him because she came out of the room as I re-read it for the tenth time, and I also wasn’t sure how to respond. I wanted to say the same things back, wanted to tell him how adorable it was to see him get jealous, hoping that I was interpreting it correctly. But I left it alone till later.

After shopping, my dad grilled for us and Anne and we drank and relaxed in the yard, enjoying the long summer day. It was wonderful, fueling my awareness that I really needed a trip home with the people that loved me. Once the night settled, I went upstairs filled with liquid courage. Rhys hadn’t texted me again, but I was determined to answer him.

Ellie: I loved talking to you too. I wanted you to know, I’m really glad I met you. You’ve helped me feel like I can open up and live happily again...someday.

I’d regret my spark of candidness later, but in the moment I had never been prouder of myself. After all the setbacks and personal obstacles I had set for myself, I felt brave and forward. I just didn’t expect him to respond immediately.

Rhys: I love being there for you, almost as much as hearing this. What’s with the sudden confession?

Me: I’ve had a little to drink. Lol.

Rhys: Oh, so you’d probably tell me all your secrets, yeah?

Me: Not that drunk.

But in truth, maybe I was.

Rhys: Well, I tried.

Me: What would you want to know?

Rhys: Nothing, anything I want to know I’ll just ask you when you’re sober.

Me: Not as much fun.

Rhys: No, but I respect you. I’m also calling you. I prefer your voice over texts.

His voice was welcome, and he said he loved hearing my drunk giggle. He even mentioned that I was relaxed and that it was so noticeable in my tone it was breathtakingly beautiful. Being home had been wonderful, but I found myself counting the minutes to when I could return to London. It was odd being homesick for a place I’d only lived for a year, but it had become home and it seemed my heart had made its niche there too. I told him about my dream, not specifically, but that I’d had a nightmare and was exhausted.

Rhys didn’t pry, and instead told me that he used to have nightmares as a kid. He explained that it always helped him to think of the happiest things before bed. Obsessing over the puppy he wanted often worked. I could picture Rhys as a boy and he told me about his childhood. When we hung up, I fell asleep thinking about all our moments together, but especially hearing him describe me as beautiful.

∞

As I got ready for dinner with James the next day, my mind was filled with Anne and Rhys’ concerns. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year, but just like Anne, we both fell back into old routine easily. He suggested an old pizza place we frequented during high school and though it was one of Aaron’s favorites, I avoided it after he died. I only agreed with James so he wouldn’t give me a hard time about moving forward.

When I woke up that morning, I half expected to have texts from Rhys, but I was disappointed by his lack of contact and my expectations for it. He was busy with the play, and that was likely the reason for his silence, and so I made a rule to stop obsessing over him during my time at home. I clearly had a disregard for rules though; having broken the main one I had set when I moved to London. Can’t say I didn’t try.

James picked me up around 6:00 p.m. and came inside to see my parents. They asked him about work, and I could overhear upstairs when he mentioned that he’d finally passed the LSAT a few months back and acquired a position at a firm. As I began walking down the stairs James’ eyes locked with mine. He politely finished his sentence and then walked up to me and gave me a sincerely affectionate hug. His hands were comfortably low on my back, and he held me a moment too long, but I assumed it was because it had been a while. But then he caressed my back and it reminded me of how often Rhys did, except I didn’t like it. I pulled away subtly as my parents watched.

He looked down at me, eyes filled with emotion. “Hey stranger.”

“Hi, James.”

“Ready to go?” He nudged towards the door and I nodded.

As we walked towards his brand new Lexus, I noticed he was dressed professionally having come straight from work. His pants were black and fitted, and he still had his blue dress shirt tucked in perfectly.

He looked amazing, and very different from the James I knew in high school. It wasn’t uncommon for James to show up to school in pants with holes and frayed bottoms, but the years had clearly changed him. After opening the door for me, he joined me inside. “You look really good. It’s nice seeing you.”

I looked over at him. “You too. I’m glad we had time to catch up.”

“I’ll always make time for you, I hope you know that.” Something vulnerable crossed his gaze and his eyes lowered down my face, to my lips and neck before returning to my face. I smiled and looked ahead, hoping he would start the car and take us to dinner. His words were sweet, but something in his tone made me uncomfortable.

Walking into the old shop brought back too many memories, the smell of the dough being uniquely strong. They were famous for adding a ton of garlic to their dough, and it was one of Aaron’s favorite things about the place. I used to give him a hard time whenever he tried making out with me and he would insist it was okay because my breath stunk just as badly. We habitually came on Fridays after school, James in tow. Sometimes Anne would join too, and being there again was bittersweet. James must have felt the same way because he grabbed both my shoulders and squeezed them. “It’s exactly the same, right?”

“Mostly, there’s one big difference,” I shrugged. He pouted his lower lip and agreed, leading me to the table where we ordered half-cheese and half-Hawaiian.

“You still eat it?” I asked, not really remembering that he liked it so much.