For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (20 page)

“I’m not sure, but I know the feeling.” I looked down to escape the force and intimacy of the moment, but Rhys didn’t allow it and tugged my hand to bring my attention back to him.

“Thank you, Ellie.” I nodded.

After lunch he suggested that we go for a walk and enjoy the warmth slowly dissipating from London. I noticed a fan taking a picture on their phone and I asked him if it was something he worried about, but he told me that he’d yet to have a terrible experience. My concern wasn’t pictures of him, but pictures of us and what fans would think or how they’d treat me. Rhys hadn’t expected me to care, but he handled it cautiously when he explained that they wouldn’t change how he felt about me and that I needed to ignore it and be happy. And I was, unbelievably so.

We walked for half an hour before we started heading back home. The winds were picking up and though leaves had yet to fall, autumn was slowly making its way into London. After crossing the street, Rhys looked over to me. “Ellie?”

“Hmm?” I hummed.

“I was wondering…” Rhys looked away and then back quickly. “Can I hold your hand? I know I grab them often, but is it okay to hold your hand as we walk?"

His question was so absolutely adorable; I couldn’t handle it. My emotions became unchecked and I smiled like a fool. Without replying I grabbed his arm and pulled it out of his pocket. He had them in there for most of the walk and I suspected it was to keep control of them and his desire to touch me. I looked at his palm, touching it slightly with my index finger before I placed my hand against his and knotted our fingers. We stared into each other’s eyes on the corner of the street, and didn’t say a word, just feeling the comfort of our hands.

They felt at home with one another, strangely so considering I’d only known him for weeks, but I felt safe with him. He must have read my expression, lifting his brows as he speculated my thoughts.

“Does it make you sad?” I knew exactly what he was referring to: holding hands, being in a relationship, one that wasn’t with Aaron.

“Yes, it does…” His disappointment appeared. “But not as much as it makes me happy.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. Does it bother you that I think of him?”

“No,” he squeezed my hand reassuringly. “Not at all, I swear. But you’ll let me know if something’s wrong, right?”

I nodded as we started walking. “Actually, since you bring it up…” I’d been thinking about it since the night before, but was too scared to mention it myself. I spat out my next words in rapid succession. “I thought about what you said last night…about kissing me. I value your respect for me, but I don’t want to tell you when. Just do it when it feels right, I’m okay with that. It's tough, but knowing you care is enough for me and I don’t want to tarnish the moment by giving you an okay. Does that make sense?”

Rhys stared at his feet and laughed quietly. “Yes, as long as you’re sure.”

“I am, that’s why I’m telling you. Just do it…I mean, not right now. Make it special.” I paused; annoyed at my word vomit that knew no boundary. “You know what I mean,” I laughed nervously.

“Okay, good to know.” He looked at me with a sly smirk on his lips and it spread to mine. But in his eyes was something new that I couldn’t place: excitement, nerves, fear, I wasn’t sure. It seemed I’d added pressure that he wasn’t prepared for.

We continued on our way to the flat in a new quiet, enjoying the London air and our hands intertwined with each other. It was lovely, warming my hand but also my heart. After collecting his book from my living room, Rhys hugged me and asked if I wanted to go to his place for a movie the following night. I agreed and he kissed my cheek before he walked down my stairs, giving me what I needed, but igniting a craving for more.

∞

I woke up Sunday with an immense sense of pride. Nothing about this was easy for me. Every move and thought reminded me of Aaron, of how each step I took forward with Rhys was one away from him. But I was trying, just as I did when I moved across the pond for a new life. I didn’t feel as lonely since letting Rhys in. Having lost companionship with Aaron, I’d also lost that comfort of coming home and having a soul mate to vent with. I went to bed alone every night without having someone to say
goodnight
or
I love you
to. I had also ostracized myself from the world, especially when friends tried inviting me out, all of them moving on and getting married, continuing the life I couldn’t have.

It was conflicting, because when you had someone, it didn’t mean your life was better than anyone else’s, but your life did feel better because you had someone else. Even in death I used Aaron as a safety net. He’d been the security blanket I utilized to shut people out, avoiding any type of connection and fear of future abandonment. Technically, Aaron didn’t abandon me, but it felt that way. I was without my confidant, my best friend, my lover, a past and a future; he had been all of those things. I wasn’t sure if Rhys was a potential soul mate, but I knew he made me happy. And if anything could make me want to be soul mates again, it was his soul.

Bruce picked me up so we could fetch Rhys after his show. I wore skinny jeans and a lacy Henley shirt, adding some make-up and wearing my hair down for him. While we waited near the back entrance of the theatre, I talked to Bruce and got to know him better, figuring that I’d be seeing much more of him.

Rhys came outside and for the first time I noticed how exhausted he looked. These last few weeks had been trying on him with the rehearsals and shows each night. I wanted to talk about our schedules, but left it for later when I became distracted by his smile. The closer he got to the car, the bigger his grin became and it was contagious. He opened the door and leaned in, “Hello, you.”

After putting his seatbelt on he reached for my hand on the seat and brought it to his lips. It was odd with Bruce before us, but Rhys shook his head when he noticed my glance to the front.

“How are you?”

“Good, you?”

“Fantastic now,” he said squeezing my hand.

I smiled and shook my head. “How was the show?”

“Good, different crowd early in the day, a little older. But I’m glad to relax tonight.”

“I’m sure…you’ve been working hard these last few weeks.”

“Yes,” he nodded, looking outside and then back. “And working around your playing-hard-to-get, too.”

I pursed my lips and squinted at him. “Gee thanks.”

“I’m playing. I’d wait forever for you, actually.”

I nodded, still nervous with Bruce around. I caught Rhys smiling at me, admiring me from head to toe. I felt his eyes lingering and though he was always a gentleman, it was impossible not to notice his desire. He cleared his throat. “You look beautiful.”

Shifting in as much as his safety belt would allow, he faced me while holding one of my hands. He raised his other hand to grab a chunk of my hair and ran his fingers through it. I became shy and tilted my head down, lifting my eyelids briefly to spy his gaze.

Rhys slanted his head towards me and leaned into my side. He whispered, “You believe me right, when I tell you how beautiful you are to me?” He continued with his soft words, unraveling me like thread on a spool, making a mess of my heart and stomach in the process. “…Because I find you incredibly beautiful. I can’t stop looking at you now that I don’t have to hide it anymore.”

I lifted my lashes and revealed my lusty brown eyes, caressing his hand in appreciation of his compliments. “I do, you just make me so shy.”

He leaned even closer and I felt his lips touch my ear lightly. “I know. It’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. Forgive me, but I can’t get enough of it.”

He pulled away and smirked, grabbing my hands in both of his and rubbed them for the rest of the drive. As delicious as it was to be close to him, I was relieved that it only took fifteen minutes to get to his house.

There, Rhys guided me in with his hand around my waist. I thought about how different things were since the last time I’d been there, looking around and observing my boyfriend’s home in a new light. Behind me, Rhys took off his blazer and opened the top buttons of his shirt, loosening the fabric near his neck. He took my jacket as well and led me to the kitchen.

On his island were Chinese food cartons that I assumed Bruce had picked up for us. I was glad we didn’t have to wait since my nerves throughout the car ride had only fueled my hunger. Rhys walked to his cabinets and reached for two plates and wine glasses. I stared as he stretched all the muscles of his body and at the way his shirt lifted, revealing his lower back, only to feel humiliated when he turned around, caught me and bit his lip devilishly.

He freaking loved catching me, and I admit a part of me liked getting caught. But then he took it a step further. “Hungry?” he asked, with a sneaky look that demonstrated his double-entendre meaning. Rhys continued testing boundaries and revealing himself to me in little bits, but two could play that game.

Leaning playfully, I said, “Yes, very.”

“Good,” he laughed knowingly. “We’ve got chicken, rice, vegetables, spring rolls and dumplings. What can I serve you?”

“I can do it if you like,” I said, attempting to take the serving spoon.

“I’d like to take care of you, darling.”

I sighed quietly. He called me this at the theatre, but each repetition continued melting my insides. “Sorry, I’m not used to it.”

“You don’t have to apologize, ever,” he said tapping my cheek. “But let me dote on you.”

I pointed out my selections and he placed them before me. He also served me wine that I needed badly. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I knew it would help me relax, and it seemed Rhys figured the same. I got the feeling he needed it too. He sipped his own glass with the hint of a smile and if I didn’t know any better he was just as nervous around me.

We talked about our schedules and how busy they’d keep us, but decided on mutual times off to keep seeing each other. It was pretty cute to see him planning ahead and suggesting that we spend Sunday and Monday nights together. It worked for both of us since I’d picked long weekends for hopeful fall trips.

When we finished our meal, Rhys suggested I take our wine to the living room while he cleaned up. Setting our glasses on the coffee table, I sat on the same dark brown leather couch that I had on the night he ended up offending me. My skin became damp, and my body was shaking knowing he was going to sit closely. He joined me a few minutes later with a bowl of popcorn in tow. “I know we just ate, but I did promise popcorn.”

Turning on the TV and Netflix app, he twisted and handed me the remote. “Ladies choice tonight.”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded, “Yeah, anything you want.”

“You’re trying to impress me.”

“Maybe,” he laughed. “Is it working?”

“Perhaps, but you’re making a huge mistake in letting me choose.”

I started browsing through the selections and became curious if he’d really let me pick. But he was stoic, and didn’t give anything away. “Dirty Dancing it is.”

He laughed again. “I’ve never seen it if you can believe it.”

My eyes opened wide. “What? It’s such a classic.”

“Actually, I’ve avoided it because I’m not the best dancer. It’s the one performance art I’ve steered clear from.”

“Really?” So there was something he wasn’t good at, or at least he thought so. “I love dancing.”

Determined, with the wine kicking in, I stood up and put my iPod on shuffle.
Boogie Wonderland
came on and I offered him my hand to get him off the couch. “Oh no, Ellie. I’m not dancing for you, you’ll leave me before we’ve begun our relationship.”

I leaned down and dragged him up, and then I started dancing foolishly to the song. “Come on, Rhys.” He started wiggling here and there, but he
really
was bad. I grabbed his hands and tried positioning him, and we got some rhythm, but it was still clumsy. A salsa song came on next and it was easier to dance closer together, but the poor thing couldn’t keep up. I tried showing him steps he couldn’t process and my heart melted as I watched him stare at my feet with furrowed brows. I gave up, crossed my arms and said, “Rhys, you’ll have to learn. I love it, Aaron used to take me all the time.”

The air froze over and I put my hand to my mouth, shocked at what had just slipped out of it. I worried that I’d shot darts at him, giving him the sense that he may never be enough; but he really was. I didn’t want him to think I compared his every move, even though I did without meaning too. It was all I knew.

Rhys sensed my mortification and approached me slowly. He grabbed my hands and held them protectively in his. “It’s okay to say things like that. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. They’re wonderful memories I’d love to hear about whenever you feel like sharing.”

I took a deep breath as my eyes became glassy, and I hugged him for various reasons: so he could understand my appreciation, so I could shield my humiliated, emotional eyes from him, and so I could hold that sweet, brilliant man. I pushed the tears back, and then a slow Coldplay song came on. His voice grumbled deep in his chest, “Ah, now this I can dance to.”

Wrapping his arm around my waist, Rhys began to sashay back and forth in a slow ocean-like rhythm, moving me along with him. It was lovely and safe as he slowly started moving his hands up and down my back in a captivating manner. He kissed my head with ease, being so much taller than me that his chin rested on it. I began rubbing my hands up and down his back too, expressing my content from his embrace, and he took a deep breath in surprise at my returned affections.