For Fallon (15 page)

Fallon

The average person lives 80 years. The average person lives 29,200 days. When I come to realize
that
; an average life, in days, seems infinitely small. Only 29,200 days. A whole lifetime of memories, of love lost and love found exists within 29,200 days. Shouldn’t I strive for happiness in those 29,200 days? Shouldn’t I stop worrying about inconsequential matters? Shouldn’t I relish in every moment of every day? I probably should and keep repeating that to myself. Only my mantra loses its power when every day that voice inside my head screams to be acknowledged. I can’t keep deluding myself that I’m worried about inconsequential matters. What may have started as inconsequential has turned into a very consequential matter that’s slowly tearing us apart.

Teagan doesn’t understand my reasoning because she hasn’t gotten to know Luca. It’s frustrating for me to get my point across, so I just tell her we’re fine.

I’m stuck in a cycle I don’t know how to break. I put up a wall of protection, and Luca can’t reach me anymore. The entire situation is about to blow up. My anxiety is reaching a breaking point. We’ve both been progressively distant.

One night I arrive home late from work, and I find him pacing my living room. He hurriedly slips a phone in
to his pocket that’s not his current smartphone. It was definitely an older type of phone.

He has another phone?

As I see it, I can react in several ways. One - I ask him directly about the phone, which I’m quite positive he’ll lie about now because of the way he inconspicuously placed it in his pants. Two - I can be hysterical and demand an explanation, which I won’t get. Three - I can wait until I get my chance to check the phone myself. I choose option three.

Luca strides determinedly toward me as I enter my apartment, looking me over intently. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.” Annoyance reflects behind his eyes.

I take my time removing my sandals. All I want is to unwind and jump into the shower after working in the sweltering heat of this August day since the air-conditioning broke at the office. We’re hosting the yearly orphan charity event in two days, this Friday. I’ve told him that I would be busy this entire week with last-minute preparations and writing the speeches for Alex.

“Fallon!”
Luca crowds me.

Turning around to him, I say in an aggravated tone, “I told you I would be busy this week. I didn’t have time to check my phone.”

Luca’s hair is in disarray, falling over his forehead. He’s obviously worried and infuriated. Apprehensively, he approaches me. “I asked you to always answer. I need you to abide by that promise. Especially now,” he almost yells at me, throwing his hand in the air. His usual self-control wavers.

I don’t let him intimidate me. “What the hell are you talking about? Abide?” I spit the word with malice. “Lose the attitude.”

His breathing is labored from trying to restrain his emotions. As he clenches his hands, his strained biceps ripple through his dress shirt in contained rage.

I hold up my hands in surrender. “Let’s calm down here.”

“Are you leaving tonight or staying in?” he demands to know.

It takes me a minute to grasp his sudden change of subject. “I’m staying in.”

He heads toward the door, passing and ignoring me.

“We’re just g
oing to leave everything unresolved again, Luca? We never talk about this and just continue on. If you walk out on me now, don’t bother coming back.” The threat I don’t mean leaves my lips without my thinking clearly. I try speaking in a calm tone, but my shivering bottom lip reveals my edginess.

He catches my eyes and grits his teeth. “I need to leave now and calm down. I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret.
” Luca opens the door and disappears.

I clutch my stomach in agony.

He has another phone?

Why was he so upset about not reaching me? Every question causes more doubt in my mind. I’m still standing in the exact same place while my mind tries to comprehend what’s happening to us. Confounded, I go to my bedroom and crawl into bed. I can’t believe Luca would betray me, but that scenario is becoming more plausible with every day that passes.
I don’t understand how I can sense that his love for me is so deep yet we’re still drifting apart. Unless I’m feeling things that have been long gone?

I fall into a restless sleep.

***

He didn’t come back to ‘our’ home last night. My apartment has been our home for weeks. Everything here reminds me of him.

I take my time in the shower, realizing I can’t afford to call in sick with this year’s biggest event in two days. I refrain from calling him. He left. Maybe he doesn’t want to hear anything from me? Maybe it’s over? Feeling miserable, I dress myself. 

As usual, I first head to the coffee shop for my Lady Grey tea before taking the fifteen-minute walk to work.
I’m reliving the past several weeks over and over in my head while standing in line to place my order. What did I miss? Have I been naïve and ignoring signs?

“Excuse me… Excuse me.”

I’m jarred from my thoughts by a customer behind me. The guy reminds me that I should order.

“I’m sorry,” I state, distracted, and move forward to order my tea. I’m fumbling in my purse, swallowing back a wide array of emotions.

The man behind me gently touches my elbow. “Is everything okay?”

I look at him but can’t find any words.

He orders a coffee and pays for both of us. Taking our drinks, I follow him to his table. I don’t join him as he takes his seat. “I’m sorry. I’m having a bad day. Let me pay you back.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s on me. I noticed you seemed distracted
. Please feel free to sit if you want,” he mentions nicely.

I hesitate at first, but I should calm myself before heading to work and decide to accept his offer.

Before I even get the chance to sit down, the front door opens loudly and Luca advances in,

stalking determinedly toward me.
Luca with the same furious eyes as yesterday. He leans in close to my face. “Can I talk to you?”

Because of the uncompromising lines of his hard profile and my need to avoid a scene in here, I agree. “Thank you. I’ll see you around,” I greet the guy.

Luca pins him with a displeased look.

“It was my pleasure.” He doesn’t back down under Luca’s scowl.

I smile timidly at the guy when Luca places his hand at the small of my back and guides me outside. The door closes and I spin around as soon as I step over the threshold, eyes narrowing. “Happy now that you’ve marked your territory?”

His jaw clenches. “No. Trust
me,
that
was me being civil.”

Suddenly a disturbing thought crosses my mind. “Were you following me?” Luca knows I first have a tea before walking to work, but this morning I’m almost an hour behind on my regular morning routine.

“Yes,” he confesses without any remorse.

“What?” I refuse to cry and suppress my hurt and surprise at his confession. “You said you would come back, and
you
didn’t. I’m going to work because I don’t want to talk to you now.” 

“Fallon.”
Luca softens his voice and tries to palm my face with one hand, but I avoid his touch by taking a few steady steps back. Luca rushes forward and almost stumbles over a steel chair trying to reach for me, his tightly leashed self-control breaking more and more.

“No
. Do not follow me!” I march away before I change my mind, leaving him behind.

***

Still aggravated, I arrive at the posh, glass building, greet the receptionist behind her desk as my heels click on the tiled floor, and I take the elevator to the third floor. The building has over fifty floors, so it’s always crowded in every one of the nine elevators during rush hours. Standing in the full elevator, I’m glad when the door opens on the third floor. Our floor has five offices, but most of us sit together in the open space. The floor-to-ceiling windows and the black tiled floor give the space a simple, yet elegant, style. We each have a laptop and can seat ourselves at any white desk of our choice. It’s all highly informal. When in need of privacy, every employee is allowed to occupy one of the offices.

I’m relieved one of the offices is unoccupied so
that I can grant myself a few minutes of privacy. I let out a terse deep breath when I enter the small office. It’s simple and understated, white and grey walls with a black floor. I arrange my laptop on the white desk. Throwing my bag on one of the two chairs on the other side, I power up my laptop and plant myself in the desk chair.

I swivel to glare
outside. With my hands clasped together on my lap, I peer down to hundreds of people running through the streets. Everybody walking in the different directions that life takes them. Masses of people who each have his/her own individual story. Some might be joyful, some might be sad, some might be lonely. Among all the people across the street, there’s one person standing immobile, looking right at me. I need to know what his story is. Everyone steps around him. Green eyes that would always capture my attention in a room filled with thousands call to me, pulling me to him. The tiny hairs on my arms rise as his stare is locked on me, his impeccable suit in contrast with his anguished gaze. Neither of us relents, both of us observing, thinking, and anticipating what to do now?

Alex enters the office without knocking; I see his reflection in the window.

Forced to concentrate on work, I twirl back around.

“Good morning, Fallon. Tell me the speeches are done?” He sits in the vacant chair across from me.

I open the document in Word and print the two speeches I’ve prepared for tomorrow evening. Handing the documents to him, I emphasize, “They’re finished.”

“Anything else you need to tell me?” he asks in a derisive tone.

“No,” I retort curtly.

Alex’s lips turn up into a sardonic smile. “We’ll talk later.”

I spin back around in my chair to the window, only Luca’s gone. My laptop notifies me of incoming messages. I need the distraction and focus solely on putting the finishing touches to all the written communication for tomorrow. I check the menus with all the accompanying texts I wrote and send the final menu to the printer. 

The day proceeds in a blur of last-minute arrangements in need of some extra help. Tomorrow, we’ll all be at the venue the entire day. The event is being hos
ted at the Silver Dahlia Hotel. I turn off my laptop at eight and see that I have several missed calls from Luca and texts from my parents and Teagan.

During my walk home, I call my parents and Teagan. My parents always encourage me to enjoy the events after my months of hard work. Teagan needs reassurance that Luca and I aren’t fighting. Not wanting her to worry on the other side of the ocean, I lie and tell her we’re fine.

At home, I take off my dress and heels in the living room.  Fatigued, I drop face down on the couch and fall asleep without eating dinner.

Later that night, I wake when I hear the door opening and closing. I turn
my head to see Luca standing in front of me, his thick, dark hair neatly combed back. His jaw, covered in a light, neatly-trimmed beard, never fails to enthrall me. This stunning man that chose to love me - the only man I’ve ever loved – is slipping away from me. It was all too good to be true.

He crouches before the couch, bringing us face to face. Gently, he tucks my hair behind my ear and coils his fingers in my tresses.

Tears are burning to explode, but I hold them in. Despondency is mirrored in our eyes.

“Am I losing you?” he whispers sadly while ghosting his fingertips down my spine.

As much as I want to give him a hopeful denial, I can’t. He
is
losing me, and I’m losing him. Only I’m clearly the one left in the dark as to what exactly is going on.

I move up as Luca sits on the couch and motions for me to sit astride him. He cradles my neck in both hands, pulling me close.
The familiarity of his minty breath and citrus cologne used to comfort me, now it saddens me. I lock eyes with him. “What’s happening to us? I’m lost.” Even though I’ve grown to love him, I need to take care of myself and open my eyes. I need to end this carefully. Guilt sparkles in his eyes, spinning with pain and regret in his dejected appearance. I lean forward against his chest to hug my arms around his waist because the memories we’ve created together aren’t easily forgotten. I want to stand up, but Luca holds me firmly around my waist, afraid I might leave. “I don’t know where we go from here,” I confess in a muffled voice.

“Let me just hold you, please, Fallon. I just need to hold you.” He kisses the top of my head and stands up, so I circle my legs around his hips as he carries me in his embrace to the bedroom. He lays me down on my back before undressing
, and then he slips in beside me under the covers. Luca flips me on top of him to softly stroke my back and sides.