For Mac (22 page)

He didn’t know how long he stayed in Liam’s arms, shaking but trying to listen to the monitor in Mac’s room. At long last, he heard the squeal turn back into the steady “beep-beep” it was supposed to be, and Branson collapsed against Liam in relief.

B
RANSON
KNEW
what he wanted to talk to the counselor about the next day. He didn’t even sit down first.

“My brother almost died yesterday… again.”

“Tell me more about that,” Dr. Luxton said in that open-ended way that Branson was already getting used to.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without him,” Branson admitted. “He’s the one I’ve looked to my entire life, to know what to do, what to say, even who to be. Of course, I’ve been told quite often that that isn’t healthy. That I shouldn’t be living for Mac. I should make my own decisions.”

“Do you agree with that?”

“I don’t know.” Branson shrugged, but Dr. Luxton wasn’t going to let him get away with that. She gave him her undivided attention but absolutely would not ask another question or say anything else until he answered. He got the feeling she would steer the conversation back to this if he tried to change the subject. “I can see their point,” he conceded, but when she still didn’t say anything, he grudgingly replied, “Yes, I agree with that. I really have been trying, a little.” Branson was quick to defend himself. “Even coming here is against what Mac has always wanted. He told me several years ago that no brother of his was ever going to go to a shrink.”

“What brought up that conversation several years ago?” She was curious.

Branson wasn’t sure he wanted to get into the suicide… thing. He wasn’t sure it was an attempt per se.
Probably close enough
, he thought.

“Answer a question for me first.” Branson tried to hedge his bets. “If one of your patients was suicidal—
years
ago, but wasn’t now—what would you have to do about it?”
Oh yeah
, he thought,
real subtle
,
Bran
.
She’ll
never
figure out that you mean you
.

She smiled. “I wouldn’t have to do anything about it, as long as I was sure they were no longer a threat to themselves or anyone else.” She paused, but smiled again and added, “And you don’t appear to fall into that category.”

Branson thought about telling her that he didn’t mean himself, but it was obvious that he did, so he didn’t bother. “Yeah, well, several years ago, I think I was.”

She looked at him in that anticipatory way she had, and he told her all about the suicide whatever-it-was, and she didn’t say much, just let him talk. She hmmed and nodded in the appropriate places and asked questions to get him to expand on it, but she didn’t interrupt him, and he found he was telling that story for the second time in as many weeks. He wasn’t sure where all this talking stuff was coming from. He had never liked to talk about stuff like this before, but he trusted Liam, and he actually felt pretty comfortable with Dr. Luxton already, so it wasn’t nearly as hard as he thought it would be.

He touched on the whole gay thing but quickly brushed by it. Dr. Luxton didn’t say anything about it, but he knew they’d get back to it at some point.

The hour ended, and he actually felt pretty good about being able to talk about all that without getting even more depressed. Dr. Luxton made him promise that if he ever felt like that again, he’d call her first, before taking any action. He felt it was an easy promise to make. He had a lot on his plate, and he felt like he was seconds away from flying apart into a million pieces at any given time, but he wasn’t suicidal. He knew what that felt like, and this wasn’t it.

T
HE
NEXT
couple of weeks went along pretty quietly. Branson kept seeing Dr. Luxton twice a week and kept a journal each day. That was going better than he had thought it would. It did seem to help to be able to get his thoughts out. He wasn’t at all surprised that most of the journal entries were filled with Mac and Liam.

When Branson wasn’t at work or meeting with the psychologist, he hung out in Mr. J.’s room when he wasn’t in Mac’s, or sometimes they brought Mr. J. into Mac’s room, so Branson could visit with both at the same time. Mr. J. loved the company and the audience. He’d tell stories for hours on end if left to his own devices. Branson loved listening to him. He had never known his grandparents. His father’s dad had died years before Branson was even thought of, and his mom’s father had disowned her when she got pregnant with Mac, which apparently was before she had married their dad. Both grandmothers had died when his parents were still relatively young.

So Branson really enjoyed Mr. J.’s grandfatherly presence. He still couldn’t believe that the man’s own kid didn’t bother to visit him, not even once. But Mr. Johnson didn’t seem surprised by it and didn’t seem that disturbed by it, since he had Branson and Liam to talk to… and Mac. Mr. J. made sure to include Mac in any conversation they had in Mac’s room. He said that if he was in a coma, he’d want someone to talk to him, so he wasn’t going to let the boy lie there without talking to him, whether Mac could hear him or not.

So Mr. J. seemed to be doing fairly well. Mac, on the other hand, had numerous grand mal seizures during those next two weeks, but his heart didn’t stop during them, so Branson counted that a win. Liam and Branson spent almost every spare moment together, and Branson had begun talking about the whole Liam situation with Dr. Luxton.

By the time Christmas rolled around, he had seen her eight times, and he was starting to make some headway. They had decided not to put him on meds yet but to continue with talk therapy for a while and see if that worked. Branson realized that nothing would happen overnight. He was basically trying to change twenty-four years of thinking like Mac. He wasn’t sure what
he
actually thought about a lot of things. He realized that he was definitely a work in progress, but then Liam had said, “Aren’t we all?” There was truth in that, Branson decided, so he let himself off the hook when he inevitably started to think he wasn’t making progress fast enough.

C
HRISTMAS
WAS
unusual that year. Amy, Andy, and Branson set up a Christmas tree in Mac’s room again, but this year it was a small one to sit on the tabletop and it had no lights. Mac had needed emergency care so often lately that they couldn’t have anything they couldn’t move quickly. Liam helped with the decorating, not that it took four people, but no one wanted Branson to be alone. Mac was deteriorating so quickly now that they hadn’t been sure he would make it to Christmas.

The only bright spot of Christmas Eve for Branson at Silver Linings, aside from Liam, was Mr. J. Christmas Eve afternoon, since Branson was off work, he took Mr. Johnson to the sunroom where the staff had set up a Christmas tree. He had gone around and asked everyone if they could get Mr. J. a little something, so that Branson could wrap it and put it under the tree. Everyone else had at least one family member who visited often, so would have presents from them
under the tree, but Mr. J. wouldn’t have any. By the time Branson took
Mr. J. to the tree, there were seven gifts for him under it. Branson wouldn’t forget how the old man’s eyes lit up. Branson had arranged for the staff, including Liam, to be there when he took him in. He opened his gifts, which mostly consisted of movies and books on tape, and then had a lunch that Branson had brought him. It was the same lunch he would have gotten delivered to his room, but Branson made sure to get the same thing and ate with Mr. J. in the sunroom. By the time Branson took the old man back to his room, Mr. J. was practically in tears, he was so moved. He gave Branson an awkward hug and told him “Merry Christmas” in his slurred voice.

I
N
B
RANSON
’
S
eyes, the happy time with Mr. J. in the afternoon made up for the solemn time in Mac’s room in the evening. Andy and Amy joined Liam and Branson as they gathered in Mac’s room and basically told “Mac stories” while they exchanged gifts with each other. Branson noticed that Amy still made a token gesture of giving Mac a gift—a small stuffed Santa that she put in his hand. But Bran could tell that she was giving up hope too, like he was, that Mac understood anything that was going on. They only stayed for about a half an hour, and then Amy and Andy excused themselves and left. Branson and Liam stayed a short while longer.

On the way home, Branson commented again that the whole thing had felt more like a wake than a celebration, and Liam didn’t try to argue. All of a sudden, Branson was terribly depressed again.

C
HRISTMAS
MORNING
was an altogether different situation. Branson joined Liam and his family—all of his family—and it was louder than any Christmas Branson could ever remember. Even the Christmases he had spent with Mama White weren’t this exuberant. It was exactly what he needed.

Liam’s family had been a godsend in many ways in the last month. He and Liam often ended up at his parents’ house on Sunday afternoons. Branson was getting to know Liam’s parents as well as his siblings and in-laws and all the kids. He really liked them. Liam’s dad, Collin, reminded him of Mac. Strong father figure, serious, speaking only when he had something to say. He was a perfect complement to Aideen. She and Liam’s sisters were wide-open, going a thousand miles a minute, talking, moving, laughing. Branson found that they were really fun to be around. Patrick was just Patrick, pretty much equal parts Collin and Aideen, in Branson’s opinion. He could see why Liam was so self-confident and easygoing, coming from a family like that.

Christmas was shaping up to be a perfect day until the call at five o’clock.

Branson’s cell phone rang right as Aideen was setting the ham on the table. She normally would have made everyone put their cell phones in the basket by the kitchen doorway, having a “no cell phones at the table” rule, but she knew Branson needed to be in touch with the rehab center. Unfortunately that was exactly who the call was from.

“Bran, you need to get here quick.” Barbara spoke without preamble. He had long since been on a first-name basis with almost everyone at Silver Linings.

Branson didn’t answer her, or say good-bye to the Sullivans. He rushed out of the kitchen and headed toward the front door. He hadn’t even remembered they had come in Liam’s car.

He heard Liam’s voice as if from a distance. “I’ll be calling you, Ma.” And suddenly Liam was opening the passenger door and bundling Branson into the car. They were buckled and out of the driveway and, before Branson would have thought possible, they were pulling into Silver Linings’ parking lot. He barely waited for Liam to stop the car before he was out and running full tilt into the building and up the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator.

“Bran.” Barbara literally caught him as he burst out of the stairway. Evidently, Liam had phoned her and told her he was coming and was in need of a friendly face. “Calm down. We have him back. Calm down.” She hugged him tight until he could catch his breath and was ready to proceed at a more appropriate speed.

By then Liam had caught up with him, and they walked into Mac’s room together. Mac looked awful. Branson couldn’t have pinpointed the difference in his brother, but he seemed to look much worse than when he had seen him the night before.

When Branson finally got his voice, he asked Barbara, who had followed them in, “What happened?”

“He had a massive seizure and went into cardiac arrest. It took us way too long to get him back, and then he started to crash again almost immediately. We’ve got him stabilized… for now. Dr. Brooks wants to consult with a specialist, to see if there are better meds to manage his seizures or if they should implant a pacemaker.”

Dr. Brooks was a good doctor in his own right; he was a general practitioner who happened to have considerable experience with coma patients. But he wasn’t a specialist. Dr. Pearson was the doctor who had seen Mac originally and was still listed as the specialist on the case. They had consulted him a time or two throughout the last year, but mostly Dr. Brooks could handle anything Mac needed.

The fact that Dr. Brooks felt a need to consult Dr. Pearson again worried Branson. He looked at it as another clue that Mac was going downhill.

He collapsed into the chair beside Mac’s bed and barely noticed when Liam sank down into the chair beside him and clasped his hand.

Liam

L
IAM
DIDN
’
T
want to leave Branson alone right now. He almost wished Branson hadn’t gotten that call. This wasn’t anything that hadn’t happened before, but Bran had long since insisted that he be notified about any change at all even if there was nothing he could do about it and even if the immediate crisis was over by the time he got there. Liam didn’t begrudge him that, but was worried about what effect this might have on Branson. Bran had been handling things better with all the therapy sessions, but Liam still worried about him. So he spent the rest of the evening with him.

Off and on throughout the evening, Liam took it on himself to make phone calls.

He made a point to call Amy and Andy and told them about the crisis. They couldn’t make it that evening, but Andy promised to try to visit the next day.

Liam had also called his ma, as he had promised, and she had passed the news on to the rest of the family. It was hard to believe that they had met Branson only a month ago. It seemed to Liam that his parents already thought of Branson as another son. He was at their house almost every Sunday with Liam and had also come with him several times during the week when Liam was running an errand for them or just visiting. In fact, the last several times Liam had shown up by himself, they had asked where Branson was. Liam had made a big show of being affronted. “What? I’m not good enough for you anymore?” But he was actually glad to see it. All the most important people in his life actually liked each other and got along well. What more could he have hoped for?