For Mac (24 page)

The nurse consulted her superior and then let them go in.

Branson about half wished she hadn’t. Mr. J. was lying unconscious and still in the bed, hooked up to a ventilator, and reminded him for the world of Mac. He turned into Liam’s waiting hug and sobbed. It was all too much.

“Not another one, Liam,” Branson whispered, and Liam held him while he cried.

T
HE
WEEKEND
was uneventful. Mac remained stable, Branson went to Liam’s family’s house on Sunday to hang out with everyone, and they visited Mr. J. in the hospital both Saturday and Sunday. They found out that this last stroke had caused massive brain damage, and the doctors were fairly certain he wouldn’t wake up this time. He would likely be vent-dependent for the rest of his life and was clinically brain-dead. His son had been called several times and had faxed consent for treatment but hadn’t shown up to visit. Branson wasn’t overly surprised.

On Monday Mr. J.’s son came into the hospital and demanded that the machines be turned off.

“If he’s brain-dead, why are we wasting money on keeping his body alive?” He had sounded callous when he said it, but Branson was secretly hoping that the man had at least agonized over the decision.

The doctors had no recourse but to follow the next-of-kin’s request. They had been within their rights to terminate care without the request, since Mr. J. had no brain activity at all. There was a protocol to follow in situations like that, but they had been waiting for the next of kin to arrive.

Branson and Liam happened to be there when the son made that demand, so they were able to say good-bye to Mr. J. first. Branson wasn’t sure what to say, or even how to feel. He felt like he was betraying the old man somehow; like if he didn’t say good-bye, they’d have to keep him alive. But then, he had to ask himself how alive Mr. J. was if his brain wasn’t working at all.

Of course, he couldn’t help drawing obvious parallels to Mac’s condition. Mac wasn’t entirely brain-dead, but he wasn’t far from it at this point. If this were Mac lying here, could he make the decision to terminate care? Would it even be his decision?

He couldn’t deal with any of that right now and turned to Liam and cried. Bran, himself, wasn’t sure if he was crying for Mr. J. or for Mac. Probably a little of both. But he was going to miss the old man. He hadn’t realized how much until just that moment, though he knew he was important to Mr. J.

T
UESDAY
WAS
unremarkable—
Thank God
, Branson thought—and Wednesday dragged by until time to go to his appointment with Dr. Luxton. He thought he was ready to talk about his attraction to Liam today. They had touched on it last Friday but hadn’t dwelt on it. Mostly, they had been talking about what Mac’s opinion would have been and how Branson felt about that. They kind of went round and round on the topic because Branson wasn’t sure how he felt about any of it. But he was starting to think that he was okay with it, mostly. He had accepted that he really was gay even before coming to talk to Dr. Luxton, and he knew and was getting to be okay with the fact that he was attracted to Liam. He was still worried that he’d be bad at the actual physical intimacy part. That he’d try it and decide he didn’t like it or that Liam wouldn’t want him, after all, and Branson would lose him even as a friend. Intellectually he knew those scenarios were unlikely, but his fears and other emotions didn’t tend to listen to his intellect.

“You’ve said before,” Dr. Luxton reminded him when he voiced that concern, “that he’s already told you that he’d be there for you as a friend, even if you don’t want anything else.”

“Yeah,” Branson admitted. “But never starting anything is different than starting something and failing. Can we still stay friends after that?”

“What makes you so sure you’re going to fail?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing. With any of it. I barely know who I am without Mac.” Branson realized how pathetic that sounded, but it was true, and he was trying to be truthful. “And, am I really… well… what if I only want to start something with Liam to have someone to… take care of me again. What if I’m replacing Mac with Liam? Well, entirely differently, of course, but…?”

“Is that what you think you’re doing?”

Branson hated it when she did that. He guessed he didn’t actually want her to tell him what to do, but he sometimes would like some advice. She wasn’t going to give it to him, however, so he had to think it out by himself, which, of course, was Dr. Luxton’s objective.

Did he think he was trying to find someone to take care of him? He didn’t think so, not really. He had proven to himself over the last year that he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He was trying to find out who he was without someone else’s influence. He didn’t want to get into another situation that would ask him to lose himself again. He knew Liam would never do that. So in a way, he was thinking about trying a relationship with Liam, not because he would take up Mac’s role, but because he
wouldn’t
. Liam had always been all about getting Branson to be his own man, make his own decisions. Branson knew with absolute certainty that Liam would never ask anything of him that he didn’t want to do, never ask him to be who he wasn’t or to deny who he was. Liam would take care of him, yes, but only as much as Branson would take care of Liam as well.

“No,” Branson said with confidence. “That’s not what I’m doing. I’m not sure why I brought it up, except… I’m scared. Scared I’ll screw this up. Liam is so important to me. I’ve never felt about anyone like I feel about him. I’ve never really wanted… well.” Branson was sure his face was probably beet red. Dr. Luxton was a professional, but she was a woman, and he was about to say he hadn’t ever wanted to have sex with anyone like he did with Liam. He wasn’t sure he could talk about that with someone who reminded him of Mama White.

She must have figured it out anyway, though. “I think I know what you’re trying to say. But if he’s that important to you, and you know that he’s interested in a relationship with you, don’t you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try?” It was one of her rare statements of opinion, and even
that
she made into a question. Branson had to grin. He had been thinking that very thing himself more and more lately. It didn’t mean he wasn’t still scared.

Their hour was up soon after that, and she walked him downstairs. He thought about their discussion the whole way home. He’d convinced himself that it was okay to be gay. As much as he loved Mac, he wasn’t always right, and he was definitely wrong about this. Branson never felt as alive as he did when he was with Liam. He
did
owe it to himself to try for a relationship, to see where it could go.

By the time he pulled into his driveway, he had decided he would definitely move forward with Liam. He almost called Liam then and there, would have told him if they were going to meet that night like they usually did, but
Wouldn’t you know it
, he thought, this was the one night that they weren’t going to meet.

Liam had taken his nephews to the zoo. Shawn had the rest of the week off from school, so Liam had taken two days off from work. The boys had wanted to go to the zoo with him for a while now. They said “Uncle Liam is the most fun,” when asked why they couldn’t go with their respective parents. Liam had been excited about the prospect of spending time with the kids, so he’d arranged to stay overnight with them near the zoo. It was a two-hour drive from home to the zoo, and Liam had said that staying overnight would allow them to spend more time there.

Liam had said he would call Branson that night, but Bran didn’t want to discuss something like this on the phone. It needed to be done over dinner, when there was time to come home and continue the conversation more intimately.

It was all Branson could do not to tell Liam on the phone, though. Now that he had made the decision, he wanted to move forward. He was almost afraid that if he didn’t act on it soon, he’d lose his nerve. He came close to telling Liam about the decision half a dozen times, but he didn’t. They arranged to get together for dinner the following day, though, and Branson planned to tell him then.

B
RANSON
HAD
decided to try having a relationship with Liam, but there were still many things he was worried about. The biggest one, as always, was Mac. Branson hadn’t told Mac yet, but he had long since stopped thinking his brother could actually hear him, or would ever come back to him. Branson was slowly coming to terms with something he had been struggling with all year: he had lost his brother that night on the dark road in the middle of an argument.

Branson was finally starting to see, after much conversation with Dr. Luxton about it, that neither the accident nor the argument were his fault. It had taken all this time to get there, and he still had a niggling of guilt left, but he was finally able to cut himself some slack.

There had been quite a few changes over the last year, and that was one of them. Branson had never cut himself slack in his life, and he had never made a conscious decision to do something he knew Mac wouldn’t like. At the time, even the suicide attempt wasn’t something that Branson thought Mac would mind. He realized now how messed up that had been, but still, it wasn’t consciously going against what he thought Mac wanted. Now here he was, ready to start a relationship with another man whom he’d met because of Mac, no less. Branson could hear his brother’s voice in his head yelling about how wrong it was and how useless he was and how no brother of his would ever be gay.
Well
, Branson thought,
if Mac wants to argue the poin
t,
he’s going to have to wake his ass up and argue it
.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized this was something he’d actually be willing to fight Mac over. He was still afraid of the rest of the world’s reaction, and every once in a while he still had to struggle to let go of twenty-four years of trying to be someone else. But Liam was important enough to Branson that he’d like to think he would have argued the point with Mac if it had been necessary.

Unfortunately, he realized it wouldn’t be. He never thought he’d actually wish for an opportunity to fight with Mac.

T
HE
FOLLOWING
day, Branson found himself looking forward to that evening. Liam planned to meet him at the nursing home, as always, around 5:30 p.m. Branson would visit with Mac for a short while, but then Liam and he had made plans to go to dinner. Branson decided he was going to tell him that evening over dinner that he would like to try a relationship with him, going very slowly and not in public at all yet, but maybe try being more than friends.

When he saw Liam’s name on the caller ID on his cell phone around lunchtime, he wasn’t sure what to make of it. Liam never called him at work simply to talk, so Branson couldn’t see any other reason he’d be calling except to cancel their plans. He was sure Liam would have a good reason, but he didn’t want to cancel. This was going to be a big night. Of course, Liam didn’t know that yet.

There was only one way for him to find out what this call meant.

“Liam?” Branson answered the phone.

“Branny.” Liam’s voice sounded thin and strained. “I can’t meet you tonight in Mac’s room. I was wondering…,” he trailed off, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to or felt he had the right to say the next part. “Could you meet me instead? I’m at the hospital.”

“Are you all right?” Branson instantly forgot his disappointment. “What happened?”

“I’m okay,” Liam assured, then explained. “Me da had a heart attack. A pretty bad one. Ma is beside herself. I’m the only kid up here right now. The others are coming later, but….”

“I’ll be right there. What floor are you on?”

“You don’t have to do that, Bran,” Liam clarified. “Just coming by after work would be fine. If you don’t mind. By then, Ma will have other support, and it would be nice if….”

“I’m coming now, Liam,” Branson insisted. “I’m sure the boss won’t mind once I explain. I don’t want you there alone. I’m sure your ma needs you, but you need someone too. I’ll be right there.”

Liam sniffled on the other end of the phone. “I want to tell you again that you don’t have to come right now, but honestly, Bran, you’re right. I do need you.” He sniffed again and continued. “Don’t do anything that’s gonna get you in trouble, though.”

“It won’t,” Branson assured again. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Okay, thanks so much, Branny.” Liam sounded like he was trying to hold back tears. “I need to go back inside. I couldn’t use my cell phone in there. I’m out in the smoking area, and I didn’t bring me coat. Besides, I don’t want to leave Ma by herself for long.”

“Okay,” Branson answered, then reiterated, “I’ll be there soon.”

A
S
IT
happened, Branson got to the hospital at the same time Lizzie did, and they rode up in the elevator together. She had been crying, and Branson wasn’t sure if he should push for details and didn’t know how to start a conversation with her without doing that, so he stood silently beside her in the elevator.

Fortunately Lizzie began the conversation for him. “Are you here for Liam? Or is your brother in here again?”

“For Liam,” Branson answered. “There’s been no change with Mac.”

“That’s good,” Lizzie said simply, and Branson could tell that she meant “good” on both counts. “Liam tries to be so strong, especially when Patrick isn’t around. But he really needs someone to lean on. I’m glad you’re here.”

Branson nodded and almost asked about their dad but still didn’t want to pry. He was glad when Lizzie offered the information.

“Did Liam tell you what was going on?”

“Only that your dad had a pretty bad heart attack. No details.”

“Ma says Da was working out in the garage all morning, building something or other. He came in because his back was hurting. He thought he pulled a muscle so he wanted Ma to rub some liniment on it. But by the time he got inside, his chest was hurting too, then his arm. Ma said he curled up in a ball on the couch and actually started to cry. I’ve only ever seen Da cry one other time in me whole life: when his ma died. He’s never cried over pain, not even when he fell off the ladder and broke his leg in three places.”