For the Love of a Lush (Lush No. 2) (26 page)

"So Leanne’s got the steaks for tonight and Mike and I picked up all the rest of the food yesterday in town. I really appreciate you letting me do this."

"It’s no problem. Just make sure that fire’s out really well when you’re done. And if you do decide to rip someone’s balls off, do it quietly. I like my sleep."

I laugh, and we head back to the main house to get started on our day.

W
HEN
M
IKE
told me that Colin was coming to town too, I decided that we needed to do something to get everyone together. I’m not thinking we can solve our problems with a good meal and a campfire, but we lived together for a lot of years, and most of that time, we were each other’s only family. We haven’t been together in nearly a year. It’s time to do that and see where it takes us.

Ronny’s got a big campfire set up not too far from the main house. A couple of times a year, he’ll have an event and use it. He’s got chairs and benches, big boulders in a circle around the main pit, and a couple of auxiliary pits for cooking the food. Leanne was nice enough to marinate a bunch of steaks for us, and Mike and I grabbed other stuff like potato salad that doesn’t have to be cooked, because God knows neither one of us can.

I text everyone the time and directions in the morning before I start work, and after lunch, Mike heads to Dallas to pick up Colin at the airport. Joss and Mel paid some astronomical amount of money to rent a house in town while they’re here. Joss literally got some realtor to proposition people by offering them a vacation for a week if they’d let him stay in their house while they were gone. I think he felt like staying at Mrs. Stallworth’s would have been a little too friendly. I agree. So the Gabriel family got a trip to the beach in San Diego and Joss and Mel got a three-bedroom ranch-style two blocks off of Main Street.

Colin’s going to stay out at the ranch with Mike, and surprisingly, he’s agreed not to get high while he’s there. Mike and I were stunned, but he seemed fine with it, saying something about times changing.

I’m finishing some cleanup from a project I was working on in the barn when I see Mike drive up. I head outside quickly and get to the truck just as Colin’s hopping out.

"Duuuude!" I holler as I grab him in a big bear hug. He slaps me on the shoulder, and then I pull back to get a look at him.

His hair is bleached out from the surfing and sun, a blond lighter than Joss’s dishwater shade. He’s bulked up too, sporting some noticeable pecs and biceps.

"Look at you, surfer boy," I joke, grabbing him around the neck and giving him a noogie.

He laughs and punches me gently in the stomach. I release him as Mike makes his way around from the other side of the truck.

"Can you believe it? Our boy is all grown up," Mike simpers as he slaps Colin on the back.

"Fuck off, dude," Colin says, reaching for his duffle bag in the bed of the truck. "Healthy living and being away from you assholes has done wonders."

"You look great, man. It’s really good to see you," I tell him honestly.

"Thanks. It’s good to see you too." He gives me his boyish smile, his teeth white and shiny against his tan skin.

There’s something different about him, a different energy. I’m trying to figure out what it is as we help him take his bass and other things inside the bunkhouse. When he removes his sunglasses, I do a double take when I see his eyes. They’re clear and bright, and he’s as sober as I am.

"Holy shit, dude," I blurt out.

"What?" he asks, his brow puckering in question.

Mike shoots me a look that communicates
shut the fuck up
.

"Um, you’re, uh… You’re just so dark. I can’t believe your pasty Irish skin can tan like that."

"No dissing my Granny’s homeland, man. You know the rules," he answers, pointing a finger at me in emphasis.

"He was dissing
you
, dude. Not Ireland." Mike rolls his eyes. "Come on. I’m going to introduce you to Ronny and Leanne so they know you’re here. Oh, I think I left the keys in the truck. Run out there and see, will you?" Mike directs Colin as he starts to dig through a dresser drawer.

"Sure," Colin says agreeably. "Be right back."

As soon as Colin clears the doorway, Mike is on me, whispering rapidly. "He’s clean. I don’t know what happened. He won’t tell me. But he doesn’t smoke anymore—no drugs at all. He’s really sensitive about it though, so don’t mention it. And you’d better tell Joss too."

I nod, wondering what the hell happened. Colin never used anything but pot very regularly, but he was stoned most of every day, and adding in other things for a celebration certainly wasn’t unheard of. Before I can conjecture, he’s back and I send him and Mike off to find Leanne and Ronny while I start to move tables and chairs out to the campfire area in preparation for our little family reunion. I can only hope that it doesn’t end up like a Manson family gathering.

I
T’S SIX
thirty on the dot when Joss and Mel pull up. Tammy’s about thirty seconds behind them in her own car. I’m taking things back and forth between the house and the campfire, so I’m right in the driveway when they park. My hands are full of platters of steaks, so I give them a head tilt and say, "Follow me. We’re over here."

We make our way over to the campfire, where Mike and Colin are setting up the grill that goes over the fire so we can cook the steaks. I set the platters down on the table. Joss has stopped, hands in his pockets, looking exceptionally uncomfortable. Mike hasn’t turned to see him yet, so we all wait, frozen there in anticipation. I roll my shoulders once, preparing to jump in and pull them off of each other if I have to.

Colin turns first. "Hey, it’s the dude from Lush!" he shouts as he tears over to Joss and jumps on him like a monkey.

Joss pulls his hands out of his pockets just in time to grab Colin so they both don’t topple on the ground. He’s laughing so hard as Colin hops off of him that he can’t even talk. Mel stands a few steps away grinning from ear to ear.

Colin holds on to Joss’s hand as he throws an arm around Mel. "Little D. Fuck, I missed you," he tells her.

"We missed you too, man," Joss says, his voice rough. They just look at one another for a few minutes.

I glance at Tammy, who’s standing back behind everyone, watching quietly. I’m not sure what I see on her face, but if I had to describe it, I’d say that it’s yearning. I realize for the first time since everything fell apart that she lost it all too. Not just me, but the guys, the band, the music. Humiliation rolls through me as I realize that it’s taken me nearly a year to realize something so incredibly basic and obvious.

Colin notices Tammy standing back there too, and he releases Mel and Joss as he strides to Tammy and throws his arms around her, lifting her off her feet. He swings her around in a circle as he says over and over, "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you, Tammy D."

When he finally sets her back down, Tammy’s eyes are glistening and she’s got a sweet smile on her face. "You went and got all buff," she chokes out through the emotion.

Colin laughs and Joss takes a punch at his arm while Mel and Tammy giggle. As they’re horsing around, I turn to watch Mike. He stands, arms crossed, a look of derision on his face. He notices me, and I give him a warning glare. He rolls his eyes and strides over to the rest of them.

"Joss, Mel," he says in a cool voice. "Glad you could make it out." It’s pretty obvious he’s not, but it’s hard to fault him for saying what I’ve told him he needs to say. I can’t make him feel it too.

Joss gives him a chin tip. "Good to see you. Thanks for the invite." Neither one of them offers to shake the other’s hand. It pisses me off, but I guess it’s the best I’m going to get out of them tonight.

Mel is tight-lipped and Colin quiet as Joss and Mike stand looking uncomfortable without a clue what else to say to one another. I ought to let them stand there and soak in their discomfort. It’d be what both of them deserve. Joss for being unable to keep his dick in check around my fiancée, and Mike for being unreasonably mad about that. But that’s not who I am or what I do. I don’t let people feel uncomfortable if I can do something about it. I fix it, fix us.

"Mike, I got the steaks here. Let’s get them cooking. You’re manning the grill. Joss and Colin, can you two go to the house and get the big cooler by the back door? It’s got the sodas. Tammy, will you take charge of getting the rest of the food set out and stuff? You know I don’t have a clue how to do that shit."

Everyone snaps into motion, Colin and Joss taking Mel with them to get the cooler and Mike grabbing the platter of meat before he heads to the big grill over the firepit. Tammy comes to the table where all the food is laid out.

"You don’t need to do that," she tells me quietly as she starts taking items out of the shopping bags and boxes.

"Do what?" I ask as I watch her, her long, slender fingers capturing my attention completely. Now all I can think about is them on me. All over me, my skin, my hair, my dick.

"Fill in the cracks. Smooth over the rough patches. If Joss and Mike can’t find anything decent to say to one another, just let them sit with it. You don’t have to make it okay for them. Some things just aren’t okay, Walsh."

I nod. "Old habits die hard."

"Yes. They do," she responds, giving me a quick glance from underneath her lashes.

I fold my arms and quietly lean back against the table as she empties containers of food into bowls—potato salad, cole slaw, chips, salsa. "So, is that what we are? An old habit?" I finally ask, my heart beating far too fast and far too hard.

She stops what she’s doing, eyes down on the table. "If you have to ask the question, I guess that’s all the answer we need," she bites out.

I swallow and stay put as she picks up an armload of trash and walks to the garbage cans on the other side of the camp. She doesn’t come back, and it occurs to me that I may need to get used to the idea of her not coming back. Not ever.

Tammy

A
N OLD
habit
. Walsh has just called our fourteen-year-long relationship an old habit. I’m so sick that I’m afraid I might vomit in the middle of the party. I toss the empty deli containers in the garbage and keep right on walking. I make my way to the parking lot and pace around my car. I’m counting and breathing and doing all the things my therapist has told me to do. It’s not working though, because this time, it’s not anger that’s suffusing my body. It’s pain. Pure, blinding pain. It hurts so bad I think my chest is splitting open.

When Walsh left me all those months ago, I was so far into my emotional spiral that I was already in the hospital, mildly sedated. They kept me drugged up for a while, adjusting the dosages of my antidepressants, weaning me off of sleeping meds. I was a mess, but I was also numb. I never felt anything as sharply as I’m feeling it right now. My therapist told me at one point that we’d know I was on the right dose of meds when I could feel the things I was supposed to but still do the things in life I had to do. Now, as I stand here with my heart tearing open, I think I need my dosage adjusted. This hurts way too much. I can’t do anything if I feel like this.

Panic is bubbling up inside me and my head is spinning. I lean back against the car, trying to breathe. My heart is pounding and there’s a tingling crawling through my arms and legs. Little sparks dance in front of my eyes. I’m gasping now, and all I can think is that I’m having a heart attack or a stroke. Do healthy twenty-eight-year-old women have heart attacks?

I can’t even yell for help because I can’t catch my breath enough to use my voice. God, I’m going to die right here in Ronny and Leanne’s parking lot next to this stupid red Mustang.
An old habit
. He’s really done. He’s not going to take me back. I’ve known it for weeks, but it became so clear when he used those words. Walsh is done with me, and I’m going to die. Right here. Right now.

Then, there is a pair of arms around me and a soothing voice in my ear. "Just focus on breathing, Tammy. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. I promise." Colin rubs my back, holding me close as he talks. "Breathe in for four, now out for four. That’s a good girl. You got it. You can do this."

My heart slows somewhat and the tingling in my limbs recedes. I keep counting like Colin’s telling me, and slowly I begin to regain control over my body. When my breathing finally goes back to normal, Colin pulls back, holding my shoulders in his hands. He looks down at me.