For the Love of Ash (40 page)

"I hope that you find him," I told her. I hugged her, knowing that this would probably the last time I got to see her or talk to her. Our relationship wasn't strong enough to trump the one she had with her brother. I was going to miss her.
 

"I'll have him call you."

"Don't." I put my hand up.

"But Mag—"

"Just please don't."

"Fine," she grumbled and then walked out to her white pristine car. I waved and smiled as her high beams descended down my road and out of sight. I shut the door to the house and again fell to the floor, letting my frustration manifest in the form of heavy tears.

Chapter Forty-One

Luke

I signed the lease at my new house. It was completely empty. My voice echoed in the kitchen all the way to the bathroom. But I felt free. I had to go back to my parents' house to gather my belongings. I had to get some clothes and at least a clock so I could stay at the new place. I had to create a life for myself, and it just wasn't going to happen if I stayed.

It was eleven at night the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I didn't show up for Maggie's party or my parents' big dinner extravaganza. I knew they were worried about me, but I shot off a quick text to Lindsay telling her I was fine. Following that was an onslaught of angry texts and death threats if I didn't get home right away, so I shut my phone down and used email to finish my lease and get into the new house.
 

I crept in through the kitchen door. I felt like I did this every time I entered the cold house. Luckily, my bedroom was the one closest to the stairs, so I didn't have to walk far, and I knew I wouldn't wake anyone. When I entered the room, there was a lump in my bed.
 

I tentatively walked over and peeled back just the top of the covers and saw Liam in my bed, fast asleep. My stomach curled, and I felt like I might vomit. I would be leaving him. Not completely. No. I always planned to visit my family. I loved these kids. But I knew how they would see it, and I wasn't ready to deal with the grief. It was selfish—but this was who I was.
 

I grabbed my suitcase from the top of my closet and began to fill it with clothes I would need during the workweek first. I tried to be quiet, but as I was putting a pair of brown dress shoes on top of the jeans, I heard Liam stir.
 

"Luke?" he questioned through his foggy daze.

"It's me, buddy." I looked over my shoulder and smiled at him. I finished zipping the bag and then walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "Your eye looks way better."

"Where are you going?"
 

"I got an apartment, and I'm moving my things there."

"You're leaving?"

"I'll come back and see you."

"But you're leaving us." Liam sat up, pushing away from me like he hated me. It tore into my insides, but I couldn't let it. I would never be something if I stayed here. I wouldn't have the life I needed if I let myself settle.
 

Liam grabbed his DS from the bedside table and started tapping away, ignoring me altogether. I grabbed the thing and threw it down on the bed. He still refused to look at me, but I knew I had his attention.
 

"I'm not leaving you. I just can't live here. You can stay with me whenever you want." His eyes softened, finally meeting mine and full of tears. But then my bedroom door slammed open, and Lindsay came at me with fists raised.

"You stupid son of a bitch!" She slammed her hand into my bicep, and I flinched back to cover my face. Lilly came running in after her, yelling and screaming and tore her off me. Liam had jumped from the bed and was standing in his pajamas on the other side of the room.
 

"You don't understand," I said back.

"Enlighten me. You have no idea what you've done, Luke."

"I know what I've done. Trust me. I threw away the only woman I've ever loved. But I can't do it. I can't be a father to that kid. I can barely take care of you all." They all looked at each other and then me, like they were seeing me for the first time ever.
 

"That's why you left her?"

"She deserves someone better. You can all attest to that. I can't be there for her. I don't know where my life will take me. There are things I want to do that she doesn't. I don't want to drag her down."

"Luke, she loves you."

"And I love her. But that doesn't mean that we should be together. Our lives are so different."

"It seems like you're making excuses," Lilly said quietly from behind Lindsay.
 

"What about me? What about what I want? I have dreams too that don't involve having a nine-year-old right now. Three more years and I could go away to another country and teach. If I stay with Maggie, I don't go. It may sound selfish, but what about that?"

"Luke, we love you," Lindsay said as she walked to the bed and sat beside me. "Whatever will make you happiest is what you should do. But you just left her without giving her any closure. That's fucked up. If teaching in some foreign place will make you happier than staying, then do it."

"No, Lindsay. He shouldn't do that!" Lilly yelled, frowning at me like she didn't recognize me. "You want to help kids? There's a kid named Ash that loves you and needs you. There's the help! Or are you done with him?"

"It's not the same," I told her, even though her words hit me hard.
 

Dr. Linhart's earlier appointment was running late so I sat in the waiting room, reading an issue of
Time
. Since I officially didn't live in my mother's house anymore, I didn't need to come to therapy either. But I felt like I wanted to talk through my feelings today. It was a rare occurrence, but I didn't fight it, just went with it.
 

"Mr. Wilson, we're ready for you," the receptionist told me. She was cute, blonde and tiny. But Maggie had tainted me. Nobody could stand up to her. It appalled me because before Maggie, I would've hit on this girl, laid down my best lines, and most likely ended up with her number. But it seemed pointless.
 

"I'm glad you're here," the doctor said as she sat in one of the plush green chairs.

"Something is wrong with me." I only had an hour, and I wanted to understand myself. I didn't know why I was so selfish. Was being selfish something that could be changed? Maybe I could fix myself so I didn't want more. Maybe I could find a way to keep my dreams and Maggie.
 

"You're going to have to give me more than that." She grabbed a notebook and placed it on her lap, her hands folding around it and holding onto her expensive ball point pen.
 

"I left Maggie and Asher. And I hate myself for it. But at the same time, I didn't have a choice. I don't want to stay here forever. I want to make a difference. If I stayed with them, I would've been stuck. I just know it."

"You're probably right," she said, nodding across the room.
 

"So, I made the right choice?"

"Why do you love Maggie?"
 

I glared at her. I didn't want to talk about Maggie, I wanted her to make me feel better about my decisions and applaud me.
 

"She's everything I'm not. She's complicated, a puzzle I'm always trying to piece together. Her passion for Asher is remarkable to see. When she's comfortable, she's hilarious and kind—fuck, she's so fucking good. She's too good for me. That's part of the problem."

"Why don't you think you're good enough?"

"She has her life figured out. Everything she does is geared towards Asher having a happy and healthy life. I am just floating, no real destination yet. I know I mess with her plans, and I feel guilt because of it."

"Do you think Maggie is intelligent?"

"Are you kidding me? She did our entire project: made the notecards, did the research, put in the effort. She's so naturally smart, but she works hard, too, and that's even better."

"So, I think she could figure out how to fit you into her life. I mean, she obviously let you in, and I don't doubt that that was a hard choice for her to make. Shouldn't you let her decide who she deserves and her own life's direction?"

"But she loved me. Love blinds people. I almost gave everything up for her because I loved her so much."

"By being with Maggie, what is it exactly that you're giving up?"

"My dream."

"What dream?"

"I've always wanted to change children's lives. That's why I went into education. I wanted to make someone happy to learn and eager to go to school. I wanted to be a mentor to someone—to change their path. I wish someone had done that for me."

"And you can't do that here?"

"No," I answered fast.

"Why not?"

"Because, I just can't."

"That's not an answer, Luke. Why can't your dreams come true here?" I dropped my head in my hands, emotions rising from within me, places I had kept them hidden for so long. I didn't want to admit this to anyone, not even myself.

"Because I don't want them to. I can't have Maggie and my dreams. It's too good to be true. I'll mess it up, or some factor will screw it all up. It was either she loses me now or later. It's inevitable."

"I'm not sure what made you think so poorly of yourself."

"Maybe the fact that my father beat me for being inadequate."

"But you've never thought you were until now. What's bringing out this feeling of not being enough?"

"I don't know. Isn't that what you're supposed to tell me?"

"Well, I have an idea, but it'd be better if you said it."

"Because I'm scared?" I asked.

"Maybe…"

"Can you just tell me?"

"I think being scared is a part of it. I think part of you is scared you'll turn out like your father, even though I know that that would never happen. I've talked with you long enough to know you're good at heart. I think another part of you is scared of failing and not accomplishing what you've dreamt of."

"A big part," I mumbled.

"But dreams can change Luke. You may not realize it, but you're changing a child's life who really needs it. It's what you've always wanted. But deeper. You're gaining so much more from your relationship with this family. I think you just don't want to admit that this could be real."

"What do I do?"

"Get them back. If you really want happiness and a life of fulfillment. Get them back and help them. Let them help you back."

My stomach rolled as I waited to see Asher. The fourth period bell rang and Asher was nowhere to be seen. He usually got here fast and helped me set up for the day, but I guessed today was an exception.
 

"Okay, class. Let's jog around the gym for a few minutes to warm our bodies up. We know how important our muscles are, and we have to take care of them." The group of kids started to pick friends. They all jogged in pairs and groups around the red square lines of the gym.
 

Asher came in a few minutes late with a blue slip. He dropped his backpack near the door and ran over to me, waving the pass. "Here," he said as he passed it over. There was a scratch on his upper cheek with a butterfly bandage over it.