For the Time Being

Collected Journalism

Dirk Bogarde

Introduction

Part One:
Miscellaneous Articles

Earliest Memories

War

France

Return to London

A Big Issue

Back to Work

Some Special Relationships

The Writer

Part Two:
Reviews

Introduction by Nicholas Shakespeare

This book is for
John Coldstream and his wife, Sue,
with my love and gratitude

On Wednesday, 18 September 1996, I went into hospital for what was considered to be a minor operation. Relatively speaking, I suppose it
was
more or less minor: the removal or bypassing of a main artery in my right leg, which had started to fur up and which for more than a year had caused me agony. I once caught sight of myself in a mirror at Peter Jones, with tears of pain pouring down my face, which was ridiculous. So I arranged to have it dealt with. I was told the whole thing would take between five and ten days.

I packed a small case with toothbrush and razor, watered the house-plants, locked my flat and went out to the hired car. It was mid-afternoon. No one was about: above all, no reporters or photographers, who sometimes used to lurk in these environs. In good spirits, I set off with one of my regular drivers to a hospital which I knew very well, not just as a visitor: I had been a patient there myself. So I was really like a favoured guest returning to a small hotel. The day before, I had delivered the manuscript of my new novel,
Closing Ranks,
to my publishers in Kensington. My editor was on leave, but I thought it was more ‘orderly' if the book was out of the way while I was in hospital. We arrived, and I told my driver that I would telephone to let him know when to pick me up – in about a week's time.

I had to fill in the usual hospital forms: name, address, date of birth, etc. and next of kin. This was vexing. I had never really thought about next of kin. I realized that they must be my sister, who is three years younger than I am, and my brother, fourteen years younger. Elizabeth was happily buried away in a cottage in West Sussex, surrounded by grandchildren whom she adored and with a car quite capable of getting her to Worthing for Marks & Spencer; but she had never driven to London, so I didn't see much
help coming from that quarter if I suddenly needed it. Gareth was constantly flying to Moscow and LA and any other area of the globe where his attention and expertise were needed. It would therefore be difficult to summon him to arrange coffins or whatever next of kin had to do (I was shortly to find out). So I nominated his eldest son, Brock, whom I liked enormously and who seemed to like me. He lived in Wandsworth with his wife, Kim, and their two young children, and was extremely sensible, level-headed and willing, quite apart from being thoroughly capable. So, with that information handed over, I got into my bed and prepared myself for whatever might be coming.

What came was a posse of nurses and consultants. There were more consultants than I had ever known existed. Cardiologists, neurologists, anaesthetists – the only one lacking was a gynaecologist. I don't remember much about what happened once they had gone. I think I watched a bit of television and went to sleep. I had, incidentally, not told anyone where I was, apart from Elizabeth, who was particularly worried that I had taken with me neither pyjamas nor slippers, as I didn't wear them. She said if I didn't have them I would cause a lot of trouble. I said I would manage, and we left it at that.

The following morning, having had nothing to eat or drink (I was a ‘nil-by-mouth' patient), I was carted down to the operating-theatre. The next thing I remember is coming through the blur of anaesthetic and wondering what everybody was doing. I was in the intensive-care unit, surrounded by people who all seemed cheerful enough. The nurses and doctors were pleased: the operation had, I gathered, been a triumph. It had taken four or five hours – so much for ‘minor'. I was hauled to my feet and encouraged to give a urine sample; a bit undignified, I thought, but I was soon to learn all about the loss of dignity. I suddenly felt the ground beneath me begin to give way. I shouted out: ‘I'm going!' And a man's voice said: ‘Going where?' I replied: ‘I don't know, but stop me!'

I have always believed that life is a series of corridors, down which you can go at your leisure. Along both sides are doors, open, shut or ajar. All are marked ‘opportunities'. You can go through
them if you wish, or ignore them. The only door you can
not
avoid is the one at the end, on which is printed the word ‘death'. I was being pulled towards it, down my own metaphorical corridor.

I gathered from the nurses some while afterwards that I swore enough for an entire army, using words they had never heard of and words that I had never heard myself. I was being urged to hold on, and I fought and struggled. I only remember calling out: ‘I'm not ready, I'm not ready! Not yet!' And that was the end of me.

When I next came to, in the gloom of the intensive-care unit, the shadowy figure of a pretty little nurse was leaning over a huge ledger at a desk lit by a single lamp. I asked where I was. Somewhat startled, she told me, then offered me a drink and a change of pillows. I lay there, bewildered, and when I next opened my eyes it was to see a weary Brock sitting anxiously beside me. I smiled at him. He smiled back, and patted my arm.

For at least a week I was sedated. Only when I emerged from the hazy distance could I talk to Brock. Talk is not quite the right word. I realized that something had gone wrong with my speech and that I was dribbling rather a lot, as he kept wiping my chin with a tissue. By now, although vocally impaired, I was more or less
compos mentis.
I could hear. Everyone on the ward had been worried that I might not be able to swallow, but I could sip water and take my pills. I was surrounded by drips and feeds and oxygen: in fact, I seemed to be wired up to just about every piece of equipment under the sun. I could not understand truly what had happened. Brock said that the operation had been a success, but that I was to lie still and get strong. I began to be fed through small china or plastic cups with spouts on them. Life wore on. I did what Brock told me and gradually grew stronger.

By this time I had been in hospital for two weeks. Brock had, thankfully, taken over my entire life. He had told everyone in the family of my situation and gave them reassurance. He had called my publishers and one or two of my close friends, like Maude (the ‘Swiss army knife'). He gave instructions that I was to receive no visitors for the time being, apart from my solicitor, Laurence
Harbottle, with whom I discussed the new problems in my life; it was now quite clear that I would have to put Brock in charge of my fortune, such as it was – to sign cheques, pay my daily lady and generally do for me all the things I could no longer do for myself. Little did I know at the time, thank God, that I would never again be able to do anything for myself.

The only other person who knew was my editor at the
Daily Telegraph,
John Coldstream, for whom I used to write book reviews. He was allowed to come to see me every Sunday, which he did faithfully; he also sent me a postcard almost every day. One thing I had overlooked when I set off so complacently for hospital was to leave a message on the answerphone. People would call from time to time and receive nothing but a constant ringing tone. I can't remember now how this came to my notice, but after about four weeks Brock agreed that we should make a short, discreet statement. We did so, via the
Daily Telegraph
and the Press Association: sharp-eyed readers may have picked it up.

From my bedroom window I could see the roofs of a row of houses, with curtains of varying colours and sizes; the Post Office Tower; and the branches of what looked like a plum tree. It was by now mid-October, the leaves were falling urgently, it was quite cold and I was extremely comfortable. I was allowed to watch television – my only means of seeing what the outside world was like. People began to find out where I was and flooded me with postcards, which Brock stuck all over the walls. One of these he had bought himself, cut into a circular shape and positioned in the place of honour, above my bed. It was of Diana, Princess of Wales. She had arrived unannounced one day, sat down on the edge of the bed, took off her gloves and said she had come to ‘pay homage'.

Being by nature a lazy fellow, I found this enforced idleness rather enjoyable. I loved the nurses, and they were equally kindly disposed towards me. The one thing I did not like was being on a ‘sloppy diet', which had been essential until it was established whether or not I could swallow. So far, so good. The dribbling gradually stopped and my speech returned more fully. I pleaded for
a whisky and was told that once I had taken the nauseating vitamins, or whatever they were, I would be allowed a glass of whisky which I could drink through a straw. This was an agonizing procedure, but I managed. I have not touched a drop of whisky since.

Every week or two, all the consultants met in a small room next to Matron's office to discuss my situation. Brock was asked to attend, and one day I was invited too. I was wheeled down in my chair, to find them all standing around like penguins. I asked about my progress. Each one said I was doing very well, but it was a tortuous business. It would take a long time, and I would have to be patient. I had realized by this stage that my left leg, arm and hand were incapable of movement. It didn't matter so much in bed, but it did everywhere else. I asked how long this would continue and everyone said: ‘Oh well, it depends.'

I asked nervously if it meant that I would never be able to walk again and that I would be wheelchair-bound for the rest of my days. They all looked uneasily at each other or at their fingernails. I was told it depended on how determined I was, that it would take time, that you can't rush health. So I became faintly absurd and said I wished somebody would tell me the truth. There was more shifting about, and I could see that Fiona, my adorable nurse, was ashen-faced and willing me to shut up. But I pressed on and pleaded to be told the facts. ‘If I'm going to be paralysed and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, I'd much rather be given something and be put to sleep. I want euthanasia.'

Everyone, including Brock, turned bright red, which for some reason made me angry. Then the doctors repeated that I had to understand: health could not be hurried. I was getting a bit fed up with this. No one seemed to want to be honest with me.

In a very bad mood, I was wheeled back to my room by Fiona. She said nothing, but Brock did when he arrived a few minutes later. He was boiling with anger at my childishness. ‘Look,' he said. ‘This is your situation. You will be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. You probably won't be able to move your left hand. You are, in fact, paralysed on your left side after a colossal stroke. A fine way of thanking them for all their kindness and help in trying to
get you better, to ask for euthanasia when you're not even in pain!' I looked at him in shock. ‘What do I do?' I asked. He said: ‘Go and have physio, and work really hard. See what
they
can do for you and what
you
can do for them.'

At least I had the truth, flatly and unsparingly told. I now knew that I would not walk again, or do anything with my left arm, unless I tried to help myself, which meant going to the gym every day and doing all the exercises which I loathed. However, I realized I had to give it serious thought. I asked Fiona if she could alert the physiotherapy team and say that I was coming down for a full assessment. That evening, staring at the television, I came to terms with my predicament. There was no alternative.

Down I went to the gym, to be met by two hearty young ladies. They were welcoming and warm, but, by their expressions, doubtful about what they could do for me. However, we persevered. The first thing I was taught was how to transfer myself from my wheelchair to the bed in the gym – not as easy as it looked, but after a couple of days I began to crack it. On about the fourth morning, while being wheeled to the gym, I had another attack. Again the floor disappeared and I was in my ‘corridor', choking and screaming. The black door at the end was open. I fought like mad. At one point I decided to give up. There wasn't much future for me, as far as I could see. I might as well simply go through that door. But I didn't. I battled on. And I found myself back in intensive care. Apparently I had had an embolism, due no doubt to the exertion I had been putting into the physiotherapy.