Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain (120 page)

FIRST MONKEY

BOTH

FIRST MONKEY

SECOND MONKEY

IRST MONKEY

SECOND MONKEY

FIRST MONKEY

BOTH

"Rude Awakening"

WENDLA

[MELCHIOR enters.]

MELCHIOR

Don't worry, Wendla. I'll tutor your sex education. I've
been reading Goethe's Debbie Does Deutschland.

WENDLA

Melchior Gabor! What are you doing here?

MELCHIOR

I come here to think. This is my secret hiding place.

WENDLA

Two chairs are your hiding place?

MELCHIOR

They're from Ikea; the best Swedish pine. What are you
doing here?

WENDLA

I'm picking flowers for my mother and for my funeral
in act two.

MELCHIOR

How symbolic-and exciting. Something has been
released in me-in my lederhosen, to be exact. Let's
have intimate relations!

WENDLA

What's "intimate relations"?

MELCHIOR

Well, you attach four ropes to a platform, pull it up
into the air, then we both climb on, I pull down my
suspenders, a little horizontal choreography, and then
we turn off all the lights, and the audience goes to the
toilet.

WENDLA

All right!

[They climb onto the piano.]

CHORUS

[When they are finished, WENDLA is hugely pregnant.]

WENDLA

Oh, no!

MELCHIOR

What's wrong?

WENDLA

Anemia again!

[MOTHER enters suddenly.]

MOTHER

Oh, God! What have you done?

WENDLA and MELCHIOR

Mother!

[To each other.] That's my mother, not yours. Stop
doing that!

[To MOTHER.]

Mother!

MOTHER

Actually, I am both of your mothers.

WENDLA and MELCHIOR

Both? But that would mean ... eeew!

MOTHER

Let me explain. In some scenes, I am Melchior's mother,
and in others, I am Wendla's. I also play a piano teacher,
and when I wear this hat, I'm Frau Knuppledick. Four
different characters, all wearing the same dress.

WENDLA and MELCHIOR

That's confusing.

[To each other.]

Cut that out!

MOTHER

The hat helps.

WENDLA

Ouch!

MOTHER

What is it, dear?

WENDLA

My anemia. It kicked!

[MOTHER takes from her pocket a bottle with a skull
and crossbones symbol on it.]

MOTHER

Oh, dear! Vitamin time! Open wide.

[She pops a pill into WENDLA's mouth.]

Good girl. Now, Wendla, go have a tasteful offstage death.

[WENDLA gags her way toward the wings.]

Offstage, dear, offstage!

[MOTHER now changes to FRAU KNUPPLEDICK.]

FRAU KNUPPLEDICK

Melchior Gabor, I have something most distasteful to
discuss with you: I found a SpringAwakening script in
your dressing room. Did you write this?

MELCHIOR

No, Frank Wedekind wrote it in 1891.. .

FRAU KNUPPLEDICK

Silence! You must answer only the precisely stated
questions with a swift and decisive "Yes" or "No." Do
you expect this show to play in Denver?

MELCHIOR

Well, perhaps if it stars Donny and Marie Osmond ...