Forbidden Desires (17 page)

Kavita’s mother was an extremely traditional woman. She was raised in Amritsar with eleven siblings. Her father was a truck driver and her mother was a housewife. After having Kavita she had two children who died at birth. Then Kaajal was born. She loved being a housewife and just wanted to bring up her children well. But when her husband left her for another woman when Kaajal was just two years old, Kulwinder Kaur decided that she would not only go back to work but she would make sure that her two daughters never suffered the same treatment from a man.

Kulwinder stayed in the same house that her husband had brought her to. It was a beautiful house with many memories. She had chosen to stay in the same house, in the same colony in case he ever chose to come back to them. But in time she had realized that he didn’t care and when he came back that fateful night to ask for forgiveness and for her to take him back it was her daughters who had said no. Then it was only memories of him that were in the house. It was in this house that she had her children, this house that saw her older child get married. It was to this house that she brought her grandson from the hospital. And she knew it would be this house from where her younger daughter would get married and settle down happily.

She wasn’t particularly happy with Kavita’s decision to marry Gaurav and she knew all the times that she had bailed him out. She wasn’t stupid. But she refused to interfere in her daughters’ lives anymore. They were grown up enough to make their own decisions and understand the consequences. She often wished they wouldn’t be so protective about her. She was only sixty years old and quite healthy for her age. But they all treated her with great care and tremendous respect.

It was one of the mornings when Vansh had left for school and Kavita and Gaurav were sitting at the dining table, that she made a decision. A decision that would change all their lives. It was because of the conversation that she had overheard.

‘Kavita,’ Gaurav said as he sat down with some toast and coffee. ‘I want to talk to you about something.’

That night when Kavita had spoken to Sara, Gaurav had heard everything. He had come looking for her. And he had heard her speak to Sara about how much she loved her. Gaurav hadn’t thought much about it. It could just be a friend. All these girls said the same thing. It was different for men. But soon he discovered that she was acting strange. Kavita didn’t want to sleep with Gaurav anymore. She would make some excuse. He was getting frustrated. And then the email landed in his inbox. With her travel plans and their loving exchanges of messages. He was horrified. He didn’t know how to react. He would never have assumed his wife was a lesbian. So he decided to confront her.

With her cup of coffee in hand, Kavita sat next to him.

Gaurav bit into his toast and said calmly, ‘Are you a lesbian?’

Kavita was shocked. She had never imagined he would ask her such a question. How had he guessed? ‘Why do you ask that?’

Gaurav was cold. ‘Because I heard you speaking to your lover the other evening.’

Kavita scoffed. ‘What are you talking about?’

Gaurav finished his toast and took a sip of coffee. His voice was laced with sarcasm. ‘I also got an email about your travel plans to visit Sara. Do you want to keep on denying it or do you want to tell me the truth?’

Kavita felt trapped. She didn’t know what to do. She had visualized this situation several times in her head. She had never had an answer.

‘Gaurav…,’ she started and stopped.

Gaurav was enjoying this. He knew he had her in a place of weakness. Finally. Finally he could dominate her.

His dark eyes darkened as he held her gaze. ‘What would your mother say?’

‘Gaurav, please don’t. Please don’t tell anyone. I’ll do anything. Promise.’

‘Will you have a threesome?’ Gaurav asked, with a wicked look in his eye.

Kavita was shocked. He was vile. How could he even ask such a thing?

He continued to taunt her. ‘I’ll forgive you if you have a threesome.’

‘Gaurav,’ Kavita fought with the nightmares of this cobweb conversation and tried to make sense of what was happening. ‘That’s not possible. That’s not who I am. Who she is. Stop being vile and disgusting.’ A permanent sorrow seemed to be weighing her down.

‘I’m disgusting? You’re the one who’s sleeping with a woman. How do you even do that? What do you use? How can she be better than a man?’

‘Gaurav, you won’t understand. So let it go. Now what do you want?’ Kavita asked him firmly, trying to solve the situation before her mother emerged from her room. Thankfully Vansh was not around and Kaajal had already left for work.

‘What do I want? What do I want? I want you to be sorry. I want you to realize that you were the imperfect one here. I want you to finally admit that you are weak.’

Kavita bit back her tears. ‘I am weak. I’m sorry. Please don’t take away my child.’ A new anguish seared at her heart.

Gaurav looked at her with contempt. ‘No court will give you your child, Kavita. We live in an archaic society where sons aren’t given to mothers who are lesbians. The father becomes the primary caretaker.’

Kavita pleaded with him as tears stung her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. ‘I can’t live without Vansh. He’s everything to me.’

Then Kulwinder Kaur emerged from her room. She had heard enough. She needed to finally interfere in her daughter’s life and take responsibility for her as her mother.

‘GAURAV,’ she thundered loudly as Gaurav and Kavita looked at her. Kavita froze. What had her mother heard? Swallowing the sob that rose in her throat, she looked up at her mother.

She imposed an iron control on herself. ‘Kavita, kya hua?’

Kavita faltered. ‘Ma, please. Leave it.’ Her head was bowed, her body slumped in despair. How could she explain this to her mother? This deep dark secret that she felt was shameful.

But Kulwinder Kaur had seen enough in her life to not let her children suffer the way she had. ‘Kavita. Daro mat. Don’t be afraid. Tell me everything.’

Kavita dropped her lashes quickly to hide her shame. She spoke in a soft voice, ‘I’m bisexual, Ma. It means…’

‘It means she loves men and women,’ Gaurav spoke with an amused look. ‘And she’s having an affair with a woman.’

Kulwinder Kaur had never heard of these things. It was all strange to her. This new-fangled world where people loved anything or anyone was very alien to her. But she loved her daughter and she would support her. ‘No issues. If she loves a woman, she can love a man back na?’

Kavita said, ‘Yes Ma. But…It’s complicated.’ A blush like a shadow ran over her cheeks.

Gaurav was determined to create havoc in the family. ‘What will happen when all our friends find out, Kavi?’

Grief and despair tore at her heart. ‘Gaurav, please. You wouldn’t…’

‘Oh but I would. Because you have had an affair. I haven’t.’

‘You’ve not been the perfect husband, Gaurav,’ Kavita said, steeling herself against this barrage of accusations. The embarrassment quickly turned to annoyance.

‘And you’ve never been the perfect wife, Kavita. But that doesn’t mean you go and have an affair.’

‘I stopped loving you, Gaurav. And you stopped loving me. People deserve love. They deserve happiness. Just because we’re married doesn’t mean we stop living and wanting and feeling. I’m sorry, Gaurav. Let it go. Don’t let it affect our relationship. Let us remain married. For the sake of our son. We’ll go to a counsellor and sort it out.’ She shriveled a little at his expression.

‘Why, Kavita?’ Kulwinder asked. ‘Why do you want to remain married?’

Kavita looked at her mother and replied in a state of shock, ‘Because what will happen to Vansh?’ A sense of intense sickness and desolation swept over her.

‘Haven’t you always looked after Vansh? Won’t you look after him even if you’re not married?’

Kavita nodded as a raw and primitive grief overwhelemed her. Her mother continued, ‘Then?’

Gaurav wanted to break this little camaraderie between mother and daughter and asked, ‘Well I won’t let Vansh go. I need him too. But I’m willing to give you a divorce, Kavita.’

Kavita started crying. She wrapped herself in a cocoon of anguish. Her mother put an arm around her and said, ‘Kavi, mujhe yeh bisexual cheez samajh mein nahin aati hain. But all I know is that I will support you. Pyar ek aisi cheez hai jo kabhi bhi zindagi mein aa sakti hai. Aur agar tum keh rahi ho ki it’s with a woman, mujhe kuch farak nahin padta hai.’

Kavita looked at her mother in amazement. This simple woman could be so progressive and so strong. Kavita had seen so many women who had been afraid of the consequences of not having a man in their life and her mother had shown her how it was to manage without one. Why was she feeling as if she needed to tie herself to Gaurav when her own mother was a great example of how to live well without a man?

Her mother asked Gaurav, ‘What if I gave you enough money to start your new business, Gaurav?’ Gaurav looked at her sceptically as she continued, ‘You needed money. You didn’t want to ask your father. What if you had enough money to start any business you wanted? On one condition. Kavita gets sole custody of Vansh.’

Kavita wiped away her tears, crimson with humiliation and resentment. ‘Ma, what are you talking about?’

Kulwinder ignored her daughter and looked directly at her son-in-law. ‘Don’t ever tell Vansh about his mother. Let Kavita do so in time. And take the money and start a new life. Kya yeh tum kar sakte ho?

‘Ma, what are you saying? From where are we going to get this money?’ Kavita felt a wretchedness of mind that she had never felt before.

‘Kavita—you don’t love this man. Remember what you told me when your father came back? You told me that I’ve done so much on my own that I don’t need a man to validate me. So now believe in it yourself, beti. You’ve done so much with your life.’

Gaurav sniggered. ‘But in this society she still needs a man. This is Delhi. And she is already well known. All our friends are group friends. They are all couples. Even if I don’t tell them they will get to know. Everyone gets to know when a couple gets divorced and they all ask why.’

‘Let people talk, Gaurav,’ Kavita’s mother quickly said. ‘You will not. You will not say why. Can you agree to that?’

‘What do I gain from this?’ Gaurav folded his hands at his chest and smirked at the two women.

‘How about this, Gaurav. How about you take this house. It’s worth at least ten, fifteen crores.’

Kavita shouted out in astonishment, ‘Ma, no! You can’t leave this house. This means everything to you.’

Kulwinder looked at her. ‘No. You mean everything to me. This house means nothing if you’re not happy. So what do you say, Gaurav? It will solve all your problems. You will be free again. As long as you leave Vansh and not talk about Kavita to anyone. Okay?’

Gaurav pondered and nodded his head. ‘But I want to visit my child whenever I like.’

Kavit felt relieved and in pain at the same time. She couldn’t believe her mother had just given up her house. What would Kaajal say? Should she have been here to argue the finer details? Maybe they could have saved some money.

Kavita whispered to her mother, ‘What about Kaajal’s wedding?’

Kulwinder whispered back, ‘I have enough for that. You don’t worry.’

And Kavita knew that she had enough saved as well if her sister ever wanted to get married. But for now she felt relieved that she was free of Gaurav and that she could keep Vansh.

She knew she had to make a call. To the person who had changed her life. And she had to ask if she would welcome her mother as well. Kavita knew her life was going to change over the next few months and she was anxious, nervous, excited and looking forward to the new change. It was as if a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Nothing felt as good as finally being free of this secret, this marriage and this old life.

Ayesha didn’t realize how drastically her life would change. Her photo was splashed in the newspaper with Harshvardhan and the headlines screamed: ‘Potential Prime Minister having affair with married woman!’

Thankfully her face was partially covered with her pallu. She was so thankful that she always wore saris and had by chance been wiping her face when the flash went off. Within a split second she had turned and exited. Fear, stark and vivid, glittered in her eyes. Harshvardhan had always warned her that the media might follow him and to be careful.

When she came back from the hospital, she had taken the sari she had worn that day and given it away to a bai. She didn’t want any evidence in her house. She had rushed to the hospital that same evening and gone to meet Kavita, who had fixed everything for her. Her stomach had been clenched tight and the sudden fear coupled with her age had made her body go into shock. Ayesha had realized then how precious life was and how important family was to her.

She had called Pinky to help her back home and it was Pinky who had stayed the next day and managed the house as well. Varun was surprised but Ayesha told him that the papers were about Pinky and she was just hiding away from the paparazzi for a while. Varun had bought her story. After all, Pinky was also married and the face in the paper couldn’t clearly be seen, though Pinky was a larger woman than the one in the photo. But Varun didn’t pay much attention to it. He indulged in the office gossip about the politician and soon forgot about it.

It was Ayesha who was dying inside. She couldn’t message or call Harshvardhan, feeling afraid that his phone might be tapped and people would find out her real number and follow her to her house. It was impossible to steady her erratic pulse. She just lay low for a few days, refusing to go out of the house and feigning illness. It was in the middle of this that Varun asked her, ‘Have you had yourself checked? You know I didn’t use a condom. It’s just…’

Panic like she’d never known before welled in her throat. Ayesha had her heart in her mouth as she nodded and said, ‘I’ll do that.’

She kept the news hidden from Varun. She needed to heal before she could say anything.

Finally, after a week of not hearing from Harshvardhan and the news reports had died down, he called her from an unknown number. She finally heard his voice on the other line. Immediately her eyes welled up with tears. It was so good to hear his voice.

‘I’m so sorry, Ayesha, for putting you through all this.’

‘What are you talking about? It was my fault. I’m so sorry you had to go through all this mess because of me.’ Her heart churned with anxiety and frustration.

Harsh was quiet for some time before he answered, ‘I’ve taken this extra number in case you ever want to get in touch with me.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ayesha was apprehensive and her heart was in her mouth.

‘I will need to break some ties for some time. The media is following me, my love. I don’t want you to get involved. I don’t know what else to do.’

‘Of course,’ Ayesha said, trying to find logic and reason. The tight knot within her begged for release.

His voice broke as he asked her, ‘Have you decided about the child? My proposal?’ He spoke with a slight hesitance in his voice.

She stammered, bewildered. She didn’t want him to think she didn’t love him. ‘I’m staying with my husband, Harsh. I am a housewife. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m too old to start again.’

Harshvardhan’s voice choked. ‘I love you.’

Ayesha sobbed into the phone. ‘I love you too, Harsh. I’ll always love you.’

‘Will you meet me one last time?’

When she tried to speak her voice wavered, ‘Where?’

‘Today. Ten p.m. Metro. Same place as last time. For the last time.’

Ayesha wasn’t sure if she could get away. ‘I’ll try. But how will you manage to escape all the photographers again?’

‘I’ll manage that,’ Harsh said. ‘Please come. I’ll stand where you found me that time.’

She swallowed hard and managed a feeble answer. ‘Okay.’

Ayesha hung up and sobbed her heart out. She couldn’t get in the way of his career. The scandals would rock him and eventually he would be bitter and angry with her. She wanted him to remember their relationship for what it was, a beautiful time when two souls connected and meant something to each other. She hoped that he would remember her for giving him wings, for pushing him towards the right things, for making him a better man, and forgive her for the choices she made.

That evening her composure was a fragile shell around her. She broached the topic hesitantly with her husband. ‘I want to step out for a bit. Is that alright? I’ve been cooped up in the house for so long. Tarini was planning a girl’s night at home. I will probably just go there and chill. Adi has finished his dinner and is playing in his room. Savitri is around if you need her.’

Varun was still watching TV as he said, ‘Yes go. Have fun. You’ve been stressed out a lot. Meeting some girls will do you some good.’

Ayesha wanted to confide in someone. What if something went wrong? She dressed very carefully that evening, a simple salwar kameez, solitaires in her ears, a little kaajal and lip gloss. For her petitie build she could pass off as a college student. She took a dupatta and carried her sunglasses. She found a cab and went to the metro station where she had met Harshvardhan.

His black car was parked in the parking lot but he wasn’t there. She climbed the steps alone and walked on to the platform from where they had taken the ride. She noticed him standing next to a pillar in disguise. He was wearing crumpled office clothes and a moustache and geeky thick black glasses. She smiled. If they had been alone she would have laughed out loud. Then he would have taken her in his arms and kissed her passionately, rubbing the fake moustache all over her face till she squealed and ripped it off his upper lip.

But Ayesha didn’t say anything as the train arrived just then. It was nearly empty. A few passengers boarded it and Harshvardhan was one of them. Ayesha quickly raced down the steps and caught it in time. Harshvardhan sat in a corner and Ayesha went to sit next to him. He looked the other way as their bodies touched. She looked around the compartment. There were no plainclothes security guards around. This was dangerous. Anything could happen to him. She wanted to speak but he didn’t seem as if he wanted to. She leaned in closer to him, her back touching his shoulder. They rode the entire route of the metro till the end of the line without exchanging a single word.

With each stop Ayesha’s heart sank further and further. She knew this was the last time they would be together. How desperately she needed him. She knew he couldn’t get out of his office to meet her. The reason why he had not told anyone that he was there with her today was because he didn’t trust his security to not leak it to the press. He would always be in danger if he indulged in clandestine affairs. If she couldn’t be with him with all her heart and soul then he couldn’t continue to live half a life. It would ruin his career. And she knew he understood how important that was. But here he was. Making this one last effort so he could hold her hand in a compartment of strangers. Wanting to prove he was there for her even when she had not chosen him.

A raw and primitive grief overwhelmed her. Her throat ached with defeat. Ayesha wanted to laugh her pain out. Wasn’t it funny. The people whom we consider family sometimes remain strangers in our lives. And the people who walk in and stroll out hold such a significant place that we can never forget them. Harshvardhan had changed her life. She knew he would be a part of her forever. She knew she would love him till the day she died. And yet she needed to fulfill her duties to the world. To her society…to her huband…to her parents. She was a dutiful housewife. There was no alternative.

As the last stop arrived, he turned and kissed her on her lips, a kiss that lingered for a few seconds and felt like tiny drops of heaven on her mouth. She opened her eyes as he got up and left the compartment, not looking back at her as she sat alone in the train for several minutes. She sat crying her heart out, not caring what any passenger thought of her. She felt alone and desolate. She knew this was the end of a great romance. And she needed to head back to the grim reality of her life.

The train started again to go back to where it had started. But Ayesha knew she could never go back to where it all began. She would always remember the last train ride she took with Harshvardhan. It would be seared into her memory forever. It would be the last metro ride she took for a long time.