Forever Altered (20 page)

“Carrie,
there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make me drunk enough to sleep with
you,” I responded. 

“You
don’t mean that.  You’re just upset right now,” she continued. 

“Oh
no, I meant every word,” I informed her.  She gathered her shit and left
before the professor even walked into the room. 

Later
that night, Shane and Troy had gone to the gym together.  Troy came back a
good hour or so before Shane, but I didn’t bother asking where he was.  He
would have said it was none of my business.  Logan came out into the
living room to watch TV with me.  He tried to talk to me, but I really
haven’t had much to say to anyone.  In time, he gave up and we watched in
silence.  I didn’t crash until after four in the morning.

As I
lie here reflecting on all of these events that have led up until right now,
it’s apparent why my friends are angry with me.  Because of me, Alyssa was
brought into their lives and I was, essentially, taking her out.  They are
friends with her now and they don’t like how I am treating her.  Fuck, I
don’t like the way I’m treating her.

 
Shane was right.  She had every right to know what was going on.  We
could have tried to find some way to work it out together or at least she
should have had the option to leave if she wanted.  That is what spending
a life with someone
is all
about.  I fucked
up.  I fucked up so bad she may never take me back.  I let my anger
and fear of what Vicki is capable of get in the way of what we had
together.  I cannot live without her.  It was one thing to go through
life before meeting her, but now that I knew how amazing life is with her,
there is no going back.  I am going to have to fight for her, even if it
means crawling on my hands and knees begging like Shane said.

My
thoughts are disrupted by a girl’s voice screaming in the living room.  I
jump out of bed and fling my bedroom door open.  Logan and Shane are
standing there with Leah and Tyler. 

“You!”
Leah yells pointing at me.  “If something happened to my best friend
because of your psycho ex-bitch, I will kill you myself.”  Tyler is trying
to hold her back from attacking me, but he’s struggling. 

“What
the hell are you talking about?  How do you know about her?”  I
glance at Shane.  The look on his face says it all.  He told Alyssa
about Vicki.  “What did you do, Shane?”

“I don’t
give a shit what you do to me, Rocco.  She had to know the truth. 
She was walking around thinking she was just another one of your fucking whores
that you screw and discard like nothing.  She is so much better than
that.”  The anger that was beginning to simmer evaporates immediately
leaving me empty.  I feel as though someone ripped out my heart and is
squeezing the life out of it right in front of me.  I couldn’t
breathe.  I couldn’t move.  How could she think I thought she was a
whore after Saturday night?  She is my world.  I told her that very
thing repeatedly. 

“I’m
calling the police!” Leah shouts reaching for her phone in her pocket.

“Wait,
why?  Where is Alyssa?”  I need to know.  If something has
happened to her, I won’t survive it.

“I
have no fucking idea.  No one has seen or heard from her all day and she
isn’t answering her phone,” Leah is starting to cry.  A quick glance at
the clock says it is three thirty in the afternoon. 

“Leah,”
I cross the room, take the phone out of her hand, and grab both sides of her
face.  “You need to focus and tell me exactly what happened.”  Fat
tears are rolling down her face making her mascara run.  This wasn’t Leah.

“Last
night we were coming home from the grocery store when we ran into Troy and
Shane.  They were coming down the steps from the other side of campus and
we were carrying bags in, so they helped us.  Shane asked Alyssa if she
had spoken to you yet and she told him that apparently it was your MO to screw
a girl and never talk to her again.  She was trying not to show it, but
she had been a wreck all week.”  She takes a break to wipe her nose on her
sleeve.  Shane brings her tissues.  “Thanks.”

“Keep
going,” I encourage her.

“Shane
said he wanted to tell her about what was going on with you.  She wouldn’t
let me leave her while he told her.  She just sat there listening to him,
never saying anything or even asking a question.  I don’t even think she
blinked.  When he was done talking, she thanked him and went to bed. 
She was already dressed when I was getting up for class this morning.  I
asked her where she was going and she just said she knew what she needed to do
in order to let you go.  Then she left.  Rocco, that was seven hours
ago.  I thought maybe she was here with you.  I thought maybe she had
to yell at you or something.  That is why I came here looking for her,”
she finishes her story.

I’m
devastated.  She wants to let me go.  Maybe I can stop her. 
“She actually said she needed to let me go?” I ask just to clarify. 

“That’s
what she said,” Leah starts crying again.  “If something happened to her…”

“Nothing
happened to her, Leah.  I know where she is,” I say running to my
room.  I pick up the clothes I wore yesterday off the floor and start
changing without closing the door behind me. 

“Where
is she?” Leah demands to know.  She’s completely unaffected by me standing
here in my boxers.

I
don’t answer her until I’m finished getting dressed and stepping into my
sneakers.  “I’m going to get her and bring her home,” I promise Leah
rushing passed her grabbing my keys off of my desk.  I take off running
out of our apartment, through the hallway, down the steps, and all the way to
my car. 

The
normal twenty minute drive to the park feels like it takes hours.  The
local schools are just getting out, so I am fighting the buses that stop every
few feet to let the kids off.  Finally, I pull into the small parking lot
and instantly feel relieved when I see her car there.  After parking a few
spaces down from her, I get out of my car.  She is sitting on the same
picnic table we sat on together a little over a week ago.  Her back is to
me and she doesn’t even turn around to look to see who is coming up behind her.
 Perhaps she already knows who it is.  I round the fenced-in area of
the playground and realize I’m too late.  Alyssa didn’t turn around to see
who was behind her because she is watching the balloon float away.  My
eyes lock on it and I feel myself crumble.  Every idea that crossed
through my mind about what to say to her has vanished.  There’s nothing
left to talk about.  She’s already let me go.  The need to get out of
here is overwhelming.  My devastated heart will not even allow me to look
in her direction.  I leave the park without saying a
word.    

There
is no way in hell I will be going back to campus right now.  I’m sure she
will tell everyone what happened.  My car seems to have a mind of its own
because it takes me to my house.  If my mom sees me like this, she will
drill me with questions for hours.  I park my car in my garage and stumble
up the steps to my apartment.  Coming here is definitely a mistake. 
I made sure the cleaning staff knew to stay away from my apartment before
leaving here abruptly last Sunday.  Once I’m through the door, reminders
of the night Alyssa spent here with me are all over the place.  The spot
in front of the fireplace where I had her calling out my name.  The note
she left for me on the pad of paper that is stuck on the refrigerator. 
The bottle of water I knocked over on the counter when she started running her
hands up and down my thighs.  Then I go into my bedroom and that is my
undoing.  Her flowers are wilting in the vase next to my bed.  I had
forgotten to grab them for her.  The candles are still where I placed
them.  My sheets, where I spent the best night of my entire fucking night,
are disheveled, half hanging off the bed.  The t-shirt I put on Alyssa
before we finally went to sleep only to rip off of her the next morning is on
my floor.  I pick it up and crawl into the bed I thought I’d never have to
sleep alone in again.  Holding it close to me, I actually start crying for
the first time since my dad died.  The smell of her is all around
me.  On the shirt.  On my pillows.  Even the blankets.  I remember
what happened in the shower.  As pathetic as it sounds, I am no longer
just crying.  I am sobbing uncontrollably.  I have a privileged life
anyone would kill for.  I own a plot of land that is over seven acres just
waiting for me to build on.  I have a trust fund large enough to not only
support me and my children, but also their children without any of us working a
day in our lives.  None of it means anything.  Without Alyssa, I
don’t want any of it.  Without my Sunshine, I am nothing. 

Alyssa

The
plain, dreary multipurpose room which is normally filled with old, dusty
folding chairs and long tables has been transformed into a creepy, ominous
mad scientist’s laboratory.  The food will be
set up on the table covered with colorful test tubes in racks, boiling beakers
of all sizes, and a black cauldron.  I really hope Leah didn’t borrow the
supplies from the Science Department or no matter how good the food is I won’t
be eating anything close to those things.  She splurged for the vinyl
floor-to-ceiling wall decorations turning the painted cinderblock into a gray
stone wall three- quarters of the way around the room.  For the last wall,
she chose the one that looked like a demented doctor’s office with a bloodied
steel operating table and jars along the countertop behind it filled with
random disgusting things.  Furry rats are placed randomly around the
room.  Spider webs, most of them fake, cover the entire ceiling and most
flat surfaces around the room including the DJ’s table.  The bar is
decorated all in black with bottles covered in Halloween themed labels. 
Round tables and cleaner chairs are set up that we borrowed from another
room.  We covered the tables in black covers and the centerpiece is a smaller
black cauldron with an LED candle inside.  Leah was pissed she wasn’t
allowed to use real candles.  Plastic nasty insects are crawling all
around the tabletops.  Welcoming people at the door is a banner that
reads:  KEEP OUT!  All that is missing is the fog machine.  Well,
not anymore.  Tyler is bringing it through the door.

“Where’s
this going, Leah?” he asks.

“Over
by the DJ.  This way no one trips on it while they are dancing because
everyone
will
be dancing,” she tells him. 

That
last part could have been directed at me.  For the last week, I’ve been
very conscience of making sure my foul mood isn’t obvious to Leah, Julia, and
Erin.  They had enough of me moping around with Jeff, so I’m trying to
hide my sadness this time.  The truth is, I’ve had enough of feeling down
and angry myself.  Tonight is Leah’s night and I will, even if it kills
me, have a great time with my friends.

Leah
and Erin are walking over to where Julia and I are finishing up the last
table.  I have no doubt she is really just coming over to inspect every
table cover we put on.  We even made sure to take the extra few minutes to
fix every single bug, so they are on their feet and not their backs.  I’m
surprised Leah isn’t making us glue them down so people cannot move them. 

“Yay! 
This place looks amazing!” Leah says cheerfully.

“It’s
actually cool.  Although I’m shocked you went with a mad scientist theme
instead of a vampire theme,” Julia teases her.

“Don’t
mess with vampires, Jules,” I tell her.  Our roommates aren’t as into the vampire
stuff like Leah and I are.  They are totally missing out.

“The
thing I’m confused about is why you picked a butterfly costume.  How come
you aren’t the crazy scientist and Alyssa your assistant?” Erin asks seriously.

“Simple,
Silly.  Mad scientists aren’t glittery and pretty.  That is why I had
our boyfriends be the scientists,” Leah explains laughing.  “I think we
are just about done here until the caterer and the DJ arrive.  How about
we head back to the apartment and start to get ready?” 

We
agree and start to pack up the boxes that Leah had the supplies and decorations
stored in.  It’s just the four of us and Tyler still here.  Everyone
else ditched us a long time ago.  A few times I thought how if Rocco was
still my boyfriend, he would have been here helping us.  It would have
been more fun, at least. 
Let it go
, I keep telling myself.  I
grab some boxes and take them out to my car.  Tyler comes out carrying the
rest. 

“How
are you holding up,
Lyss
?” he asks.

“I’m
fine.  Thanks for asking, Tyler,” I answer with a fake smile.

“If
coming here tonight is too much for you, you need to just say that,” he
says.  “Don’t let Leah guilt trip you into coming if you aren’t up to it.”

“I’m
actually looking forward to getting out and having some fun with you guys
tonight.  I need it,” I admit.

“For
what it’s worth, Troy said Rocco hasn’t been back to campus since yesterday
when he went to find you.  He probably won’t even be here tonight, so you
don’t have to worry about running into him,” he tells me. 

I nod
my head, but hearing his name and that he hasn’t been back to school has me
upset.  Seeing him at the park yesterday was rough.  When I left my
apartment in the morning, my intention was to get a balloon and let the stupid
thing go over the lake.  It was supposed to work like the day I was there
with him.  I ended up leaving and returning to the park a few times unable
to do it.  On my last trip there, my mind started replaying the night we
spent at his house.  There was no way he didn’t love me after all that was
said and done between the two of us.  That night was not just about
sex.  It was about truly being in love with someone and making sure they
knew it. 

Then
my thoughts shifted to the things Shane told me about Rocco’s ex.  It made
me understand he was truly trying to protect me.  He just wasn’t really
sure how to and wasn’t going about it the right way at all.  Typical
Rocco.  I had changed my mind.  I didn’t want to let him go.  I
was going to let him deal with it on his own for a while before demanding he
knock his bullshit off and come back to me. 

Hearing
someone pull in the parking lot startled me.  I quickly turned around to
find out who it was and the damn balloon accidentally slipped through my
fingers.  Seeing it was Rocco who was there jump started my heart.  I
thought he was coming to get me because he realized he made a mistake. 
Turns out, that couldn’t have been further from the truth.  I jumped off
of the table waiting for him to come over to me, but he never did.  He
stood there looking at the sky.  After a few minutes, he left.  My
entire body was paralyzed with disbelief over him letting me go.  Did he
ever love me at all? 

“Hey,
you okay?” Tyler asks looking worried.

“Um,
yeah.  I was just thinking about something.”

“Did
anything happen when he found you yesterday?”

“No. 
Nothing at all.  He didn’t even say a word to me,” I answer. 

Right
before he gets in my car he adds, “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks. 
I will.”  Why can I not find a guy as sweet as my friends?  The girls
come out of the Student Center.  Guess it’s time to get ready.

Back
in the apartment, Erin and Julia have disappeared in their room to get their
costumes on.  Leah is going through her paperwork making sure she isn’t
forgetting anything.  Since I already straightened my hair this morning, I
have a few extra minutes, so I plopped down on my bed before changing. 
I’m thinking of how Rocco was supposed to be my date to this party
tonight.  It would have been fun dancing with him and hanging out with his
roommates.  They still talk to me and come over to see us.  As a
matter of fact, they actually stopped over Tuesday night before they went
out.  Logan was trying to convince me to go out with them, but they forget
I’m not twenty-one yet and I had class early the next morning.  It was
nice of them to offer, though. 

“What
are you doing?” Leah asks coming in our room.

“Just
taking a break from all the work my slave driving BFF had me doing today.”

“You’re
still coming tonight, right?”  It’s written all over her face that she’s
thinking I’m going to bail on her.

“Wouldn’t
miss it,” I reassure her.  “Like I told Tyler when he asked, I’m looking
forward to this actually.”

“I’m
sorry you’re going alone,” she says sitting down on her bed watching me.

“I’m
not.  I’m going with my friends,” I remind her as I sit up.  “Really,
Leah.  I’m good.  Don’t worry, okay?”

“Alyssa,
don’t you dare lie to me.  You can pull that shit with anyone else, but
not me.  You fell fast and hard for Rocco.  I know what it’s doing to
you.  My guess is you are suffering even more than with what Jeff did.”

My
eyes are warning they will explode with tears at any given second.  “Not
now, Leah, okay?” I sigh.  “I just want to have fun with my friends,
dance, and get really, really drunk tonight.  If you want to do anything
for me, make sure that happens.  Well, that and don’t let me go home with
ANYONE other than you.”

“Consider
it done!” she squeals leaping off of her bed.  “Come on.  Let me do
your makeup, then I’ll do mine.”

“I can
do it,” I tell her getting up. 

She
goes out to the kitchen and comes back with a cherry Cosmo for each of
us.  We spend some time putting on our makeup while drinking, chatting,
and laughing.  It feels good to sit with my best friend and relax. 
She thinks my makeup is a little light, so I just darken it up.  No point
in getting her in a tizzy over it.  It’s a little too glittery for me, but
it’s Halloween, right? 

Leah
announces it’s getting late and that we should get dressed.  She sets out
my blue butterfly costume, the silver shoes we found at the mall when we went
shopping a couple weeks ago, and light shimmery stockings.  I change
quickly because I don’t want us to run late. 

Before
I open the door to let Leah know I’m done, I walk over to her mirror.  My
jaw almost hits the floor.  There is no way I’m walking out of this room
in this costume.  How did I not see how slutty this is?  It has a
turquoise blue sequin corset with a sweetheart neckline which, thankfully, just
covers my boobs, but dancing would be very tricky with no straps.  The
back is mostly open but laced.  The tutu skirt is a light blue glittered
tulle short enough that if I bend over, my ass would hang out if not for the
shorts I had already put on.  The wings are made from the same color tulle
as the skirt, has sequins all over them, and are trimmed in a white, furry
material.  The headband is also the white, furry material with blue,
glittered antennae sticking straight up and curling at the ends.  It is
really pretty, but so not me!

“Leah
Walsh, get your ass in here, RIGHT NOW!” I yell from our room.  I can hear
Julia and Erin start to laugh.  Good thing I had that drink or I’d be even
more furious right now. 

The
three of them come rushing in the room.  “It looks so pretty!” Leah
shrieks right away.

“Yeah,
it’s pretty, all right.  I am not going in this,” I say shaking my head
holding the headband in my hand at my side.  “No
friggin
way.”

“Oh,
stop it.  You look hot!” Julia says.  Their costumes look so much
more appropriate for them.  They each have on a short plaid skirt and a
cropped, white tie top.  Their hair is in low pig tails which are in big,
loopy curls.  The thigh highs and heeled Mary Jane’s add a nice touch to
complete the look. 

“You
guys can pull this kind of stuff off.  I cannot.”

“What
are you talking about?” Erin says playing with her light red hair.  “If
Rocco does show up, he’s going to be one sorry son of a bitch,” she adds making
me flinch.

“I
highly doubt it, Erin.  He saw me naked and ran for the hills the next
day,” I reply.

“That
is not what happened and you know it, Alyssa,” Leah snaps giving Erin a nasty
look.

“Leah,
go throw your costume on.  We have to leave in five minutes if you want to
make it there before the caterer.  Alyssa, get over it.  You are
hotter than the three of us, so knock your shit off.  I think you know it,
too,” Julia snaps.  “We totally should have gotten her the nun
costume.  Guys are going to be banging on this damn door for weeks after
tonight,” she utters leaving my room.

Leah
goes into the bathroom to change.  When she comes out, I’m still standing
in front of the mirror.  “Remember how much you love me when some cute boy
asks you to dance tonight,” she whispers putting her arm around my
shoulders. 

“No
dancing with cute boys or ugly boys or any in between boys for me,” I clear
up.  “So not going there,” I say taking one more glance at the ridiculous
costume I am wearing.  “I cannot believe I’m going out in this.  You
will pay big time, Leah Walsh.”

“That’s
the second time you used my last name in one day.  I’m in big trouble,
huh?” she asks.

“Yup,”
is my
response.

“The
boys just pulled up outside,” Julia calls from the living room. 

The
four of us meet them outside.  Tyler, Mark, and Tommy are all wearing
scientist costumes.  Well, they are wearing the white lab coats and white
wigs Leah picked up for them.  Underneath is probably just their normal
clothes and I’m guessing they will
accidently
misplace their costumes
shortly after getting to the party when a certain someone gets
distracted.  They start whistling and cat calling at us coming down the
stairs.  Boys.  We pile in two cars and make our way to the Student
Center.

Everything
has gone off without a hitch.  Thankfully for them, the caterer and the DJ
were here on time and completely prepared.  The doors opened about
forty-five minutes ago and it’s already packed in here.  Leah is beyond
excited and practically floating around the room trying to talk to
everyone.  I took up residence at the table she reserved for us.  It
won’t be long until she finds me here, but I’m trying to stay off these heels
for as long as I possibly can.