Forever and a Day (60 page)

“Well yes. Listen, I sincerely doubt that back in the real world you would feel this way about me.” Xander held up his finger for her to wait as she tried to interrupt. He watched her cross her arms at him, shut her mouth with a smirk so he continued, “Like I said, I’m a nobody and my name isn’t Cinderfella either. You are a gorgeous superstar! Practically the whole world is in love with you! I’ve seen the guys you date, I don’t compare to their talent, wealth or looks…”

Halo had enough and held her hand up at him, “Xander, stop! Hold that thought we’ll get back to that in a second.” She demanded. “I have a question and I deserve a truthful answer.” She waited for a response and he finally gave her a tilt of his head then a nod. “You have feelings for me too, you more or less have implied that.” She pressed her hand over her heart.

Xander glanced down at his hands and shook his head gently thinking: Shit. Cut straight to the heart. He looked up with the only response he could answer, “I am married, Halo.” He replied quietly.

“That is not an answer. I deserve the truth…please?”

He looked away, pressed the palms of his hands hard against his eyes, and responded, “Dammit Halo!” He said with agitation, “Fine. FINE!” He dropped his hands, looked at her briefly then hung his head and finally nodded.

She smiled as her heart jumped in her chest, “I am so happy to know that.” She tried to get his attention but he refused to meet her eyes, “Ok, so going back to what you said. Why the hell wouldn’t I find you attractive in the ‘real world’ as you say! You really think that money and fame are what I want from a man?” She let out a little laugh, “Xander, I have enough money for a hundred lifetimes, and as you must know, fame is fleeting. So why can’t I find you sexy or handsome or want you? WHY?” She accentuated her last word by leaning forward at him.

Xander looked up at her and with a deep breath, he shot back, “You just can’t! Halo! You are who you are and I am just me.” He held up his hand at her to wait, “So in a real life scenario what’s going to happen? We fall in love here like in some overdone film? Hey, I’m not saying that in itself is a bad thing, but what the hell happens after we get rescued?” He let out a bark of a laugh and continued, “I go back to my wife and you go back to Robert Montclaire, we wave goodbye to each other as we get off the boat or plane and go our separate ways?”

Halo tried to butt in, but he kept talking over her, she relented with another smirk across her face and she rolled her hand at him to keep going and he did, “You go back to your life of being a superstar and America’s sweetheart with Robert! I get to go back to Evie, who will never, ever, for the rest of my life… will never let me live this down! Yeah… right. I get to experience one more shattered heart, as I get to watch you go on without me? I get to see you on the big screen and in all the magazines…”

Halo heard his breath catch and he paused, she saw his eyes turn glassy as he abruptly turned away. She suddenly felt sad at seeing him like this. She stood up quickly and came over to him and grabbed his hands in hers, “Xander, stop. Take a breath and let me explain something. Please?”

All he could do is give her a nod as the lump in his throat was close to choking him.

She stared into his face praying he could see the feelings she felt for him, “Listen, Robbie Montclaire is gay. He has always been gay, we are just friends, Xander.”

He turned and blinked hard a few times at her, “What?”

“Yes, Robbie is gay.” She said with a big smile, “So there is no guy waiting for me back home.”

Xander felt stunned, he realized that he was using Robert as a safeguard and now that was gone. She did not have anyone. “I uh, so… what about my family?” He whispered.

“Will your wife move on? Has she already?” She asked as delicately as she could.

Xander frowned and shook his head, “No. She will be the dutiful Greek wife, she will wear black and wait at least year.”

Halo sighed, her hope of his wife moving on, leaving him to her was dashed.

Xander looked into her eyes, “Halo? If we were rescued right this moment, what would you want?”

Digging for a tangible argument, she stuttered for a moment, “Well. I’d want you in my life in any way possible. I could put you in my films! Or I can get you on with my film crew, although I think you are a great actor. You already know I want you to come stay with me at my house…” She remembered that conversation and her excitement fell away. She saw him shake his head sadly at her, “Why not? Just because of your wife?”

“No, not only that…”

She squeezed his hands in hope, “Why, Xander? Why?” She pleaded.

“The hurt… it would be horrible.” He touched his chest and quickly looked away watching the puffy white clouds float slowly by.

She let go of his hand, returned to her place on the log, and slumped on the table. She felt like her belly was punched by the truth of his words. It would be horrible, seeing him and not being able to have him be hers. Her feelings went too deep for him, for who he was, not what he did. She sucked in some deep breaths and fought at her tears. Suddenly she felt like they were so far apart, like a million miles away from each other.

She wiped at her nose and sniffed, “Xander… I want to tell you something, just so you know… hell I don’t know why I’m telling you this. It’s the truth about my love life…” She saw him stiffen up and look to her and then away just as quick.

He was not sure if he wanted to hear about the men in her life, it left a sour feeling in his gut. How could he tell her no? So he simply prepared himself and gave her the go ahead nod.

She sighed heavily twice before she began, “Xander, I have not been in a relationship since the twelfth of June, 2011. I haven’t slept with anyone since before that day. That’s how I know I wasn’t pregnant.” She sighed, pulled up her knees, wrapped her arms around them and began gently rocking side to side watching him.

Xander felt a heat rush up to his head when he heard the date. Fate was playing a very cruel game… that was his birthday, the worst day of his life and the same day their paths crossed on her film set. Why! Why that day? Here he had simply turned and strode away from her like some dickhead. He suddenly felt nauseous. This was too much thinking of all the implications, he just wanted to jump up and run away.

He felt Halo rush up to him as he was unconsciously holding his belly. He felt her hand rubbing his back, “Xander? Are you ok? What’s the matter?” She yelled with concern.

Xander coughed and sputtered, “I—I… Halo, this is too much to handle right now. I—I, just give me a minute. I need to take a walk.” He stood up, turned to her while holding his belly, “I’m sorry, I—I’ll be right back.” He felt as if he was going to lose the contents of his stomach and that was not good sight for anyone to see. As he quickly walked away, he kept repeating to himself, ‘don’t puke, don’t puke’ as he tried to take in deep breaths to calm his nerves.

When he was out of sight, he leaned his forehead against a tall palm tree and thought about their conversation. Oh my God! Poor thing, no sex for two years? No wonder she has been acting that way towards him and he was making it worse. He bounced his head on the tree in frustration at the dilemma he was in. Could he let himself be with her and fully let loose his affections on her? What happens when they got back? He was almost certain she would be a different person than who she was here. Then he thought about what he would do to earn a living. 

He muttered aloud sarcastically, “Yeah, clean bed pans and bring home squat. Here Halo! Here’s a couple thousand to add to your multi millions. Yeah right.” He grunted.

She would be paying for everything! He thought. How could she respect him for not providing for them, at least close to what she made, hell even half! He sighed and banged his head again on the tree again.

Here he was once again facing a similar dilemma… he had a choice he was forced to make with her. Last time he did the dick move and walked away from her and he felt gut punched and horrible for the past two years for doing so, but he kept his family intact. He cannot simply up and walk away this time, she needed him and he made her a promise. Could he keep her at arm’s length? He kept slipping past the line of propriety, too often finding excuses for doing so. Then the thoughts of not being with her made his chest feel constricted and he became nauseous again.

He had to make a choice… the woman who he dreamed of most nights since their meeting on the film set or his wife and daughter. He bounced his head against the tree again in frustration. With his heart feeling as if it was being rendered in two by a hot cleaver he made his decision and choked back a sob… her gift was close enough to being done to give it to her he decided. It was his only hope for him not giving in. He was suddenly startled by Halo’s voice calling out to him close by.

“Xander?”

He ran his hands down his face, opened his eyes and saw her out by the tree line towards the beach, “Here.” He called out.

She quickly made her way over and before he could say anything, she wrapped her arms around him and looked up at him, “Are you ok? You don’t look very good.”

He patted her back, “I’ll be ok.” He said reassuringly and began to try separating himself from her but it felt too damn good with her holding him so intimately close. She persisted and held on to him. He looked skyward in a silent plea for help, thinking that she just does not get it or refuses to.

He felt her gently guide his face down to hers with her soft fingers so their eyes could meet, “Xander, don’t you like this?” She asked shyly.

His shoulders slumped, “I do and that’s the problem…”

“Xander?” She paused and it seemed like she was searching for the words, “Your wife doesn’t hold you like this, does she?” He stiffened in her embrace and she hugged him reassuringly, “Xander, I didn’t think so…”

“Yeah, you are right. Still…” He felt her grip lessen and she let go of her embrace and stepped back with lines creasing between her eyebrows. Her hand came up and took his in hers.

“Does she even love you?” She asked solemnly. 

After a long moment he gave her an involuntary shrug, “She says so. I’m sure in her own way she does.” He felt a consolatory squeeze at his hand.

“And you are happy with that?” She asked.

“She is my wife… I have a duty to my daughter and her.” He mumbled.

She nodded at him, “I’m not asking about Athena. I know you love her with all you have. Are YOU happy?” She asked again trying to meet his eyes as he looked away.

He could not voice it to her; he simply gave her a small quick shake of his head.

“I gathered as much.” Halo replied softly, “I don’t think she is either…” She added so quietly it was barely perceptible, he met her gaze with unease.

“Halo…”

She cut him off, “Xander, if that is how you choose to live your life... I think you know in your heart how I really feel about you. I guess the only other thing I can say is that I do need you and want you too… and not for the reasons you think.”

He felt her hand release his and she turned and began walking back to camp. He just wanted to scream, break something or run until he fell from exhaustion. His fingernails began digging into his palms as his the knuckles of his fists were white with frustration. With effort he unclenched his fists and shook them out and took in several deep breaths then headed off in the direction she went.

Halo turned when she heard him calling out to her, she stopped and waited for him with baited breath. She knew no other way to convince him of her feelings for him except for that saying that one word that described the feeling for him in her entire body… love.

“Yes?” She asked expectantly.

“I want to give you your gift. I’ll meet you back at camp in say... fifteen minutes?”

Her smile threatened to crack her face and she felt excitement rush through her, “My gift? I thought it wasn’t ready?” She asked excitedly.

He smiled back at her, “It’s close enough. Sound like a plan?” He watched her give a little hop and clasped her hands together, it was priceless seeing her happy.