Forever Baby (30 page)

His heated stare traces my naked body as his hands massage my legs and inner thighs. “God, Livi, you don’t know how long I have imagined this moment. You are so much more perfect than my wildest dreams.”

I gasp as his mouth finds the spot that so desperately needs him. My back bows from the pleasure, and I yell out when his finger enters me. His finger rubs on the exact right spot as his tongue continues its sweet assault. My toes start to curl, and my body tightens, begging him not to stop. I thrust my head back, screaming out, as a rippling orgasm runs through my body, fueling every nerve ending with pleasure.

My body is still shaking when I feel him enter me, and I moan at the sheer rush of pleasure of having him inside me. He feels so good and right. My body accepts him as if it has been waiting for him all this time. My hands tear at his back, pleading for him to take me harder and faster. Nolan is panting, and his body is glistening with sweat, allowing my hands to glide smoothly over all the muscles in his back and arms. I crush my mouth against his and kiss him violently.

Pulling my mouth away from his, I gasp. “I want you as deep as I can get you.” I push him away from me, breaking our connection, and I flip over onto my hands and knees. I lay my chest on the bed, leaving my bottom slanted upward.

Nolan enters me, and I can take all of him like this, every last inch.

“Hard, Nolan!” I yell.

He groans loudly as he slams into me. I yell out from the immense feeling each time he pounds into me. The frantic passion in the room is tangible, and I can’t get enough of Nolan. He feels so good that it is almost painful. It’s overwhelming perfection. My whole body begins tightening, and I can feel the build. I sway my body back and forth, meeting him thrust for thrust, in a frenzy to feel as much of him as I can. I scream as my body convulses and falls apart.

“Fuck, Liv!” Nolan groans, and he slams into me once more, holding my hips as he fills me.

He falls on top of me, his chest to my back, and we are both breathing heavily. Our warm, sweaty bodies are rising and falling together, working to calm our breaths.

Nolan plants a kiss between my shoulder blades, and he rolls off of me. Pulling my back into his front, he wraps his arms around me, snuggling his face into my neck. “I have loved you for three years. I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you. You are the only girl that I will ever want. You have my heart forever, babe.

I squeeze his hands in mine, relishing in the feeling of his body against me. I think about his words, and they make my chest swell. My body is tingly all over. I’m sated and tired. I close my eyes and quickly drift to sleep, wrapped in his strong arms.

My body feels heavy, comparable to having a hundred pounds added to me while I slept. My head hurts. I need Excedrin and water.
Yes, water sounds perfect.
My exhaustion is too much, and I don’t have the energy to open my eyes. Sleep trumps thirst and a pounding headache at the moment. I open my mouth slightly and feel the stickiness of it, and my throat hurts.
Gross, cotton mouth. Yes, I need water. I can get up, get a glass of water and an Excedrin, and go back to sleep. Yes, that is a plan.
Now, I just need to make my body move.
Ugh
.

While giving myself a very sleepy internal pep talk to move my limbs, I lie still for another minute…or ten. I’m not sure.

Then, it happens. I feel him. He moves behind me, letting out a sleepy sigh. I jump out of bed faster than I thought was humanly possible. I stumble to catch my balance as my fuzzy head catches up to my body’s actions. I steady myself, recovering my equilibrium, and I turn around to face the bed. There he is.

No, no, no, no. Fuck! No!

I quickly throw on a tank top and a pair of shorts, and I stand on the side of my bed. I peer down at Nolan while he is sleeping peacefully, wrapped in my sheets. I watch his toned back muscles slowly moving up and down as he breathes.

I see my phone blinking on the floor next to the bed, and I pick it up to see that I have two missed texts. The first text is from Nadia.

Nadia: Hey! Oh, that is his cousin, Isabel. She is visiting this weekend, and we all went out last night. I miss you, Livi! Call me soon!

The second is from Andres.

Andres: Good morning, baby. I know you are still sleeping there. I didn’t want to start my day without saying good morning and letting you know that I love you. Sorry, I have been so busy with school and the band lately. I will call you tonight. I miss your voice. xoxo

The memories of the previous night come back to me, invading my brain like a deadly infection.
No! No, no, no, no!
I bury my face in my hands as tears start pouring from my eyes. Sobs rack my body. I look back to Nolan, and the feelings of despair resonate down to my soul. Tears are flowing from my eyes in a continuous stream. They fall down to my chest, making a river of sadness pool between my breasts.

I can’t even articulate all my emotions into words. Confusion, sadness, hurt, and guilt come to mind, but that doesn’t touch the surface of the complexity of my anguish in this moment. I can’t believe I let that happen. What have I done? I have sabotaged my happiness again! I cannot fucking believe this! Why do I always do this? Why do I let my insecurities persuade me to make horrible decisions!
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
I’ve sabotaged every situation that could have led to a relationship in the past, but I thought I was different with Andres.

Nolan stretches his arms above his head and rolls over to face me. His sleepy grin fades when he sees me. “Oh my God, Liv. What’s wrong?” He sits up in a panic.

I can’t find my words as I continue to cry.

“Come here, babe. Please.” Nolan holds his arms out to receive me in a hug. He moves to sit on the edge of the bed, his bottom half covered by the sheet.

I take a few steps toward him. Avoiding his embrace, I sit down next to him and turn to face him.

He smooths his hands up and down my arms. “Liv, tell me…what is it?”

“What have we done, Nolan? We have ruined everything,” I whisper.

Shock spreads over Nolan’s face, his expression conveying the hurt he feels from my words. “Babe, what are you talking about? We didn’t ruin anything. We started something, something wonderful. I told you…look at me, Livi.”

I am staring at my hands sitting in my lap and watching my tears fall onto them. I raise my head and meet his gaze.

He grabs my hands and holds them in his. “I meant everything I said last night. God, I love you, Liv.”

“Why are you doing this now, Nolan? Why now?” I choke out.

Nolan stares at me as if he is unsure of how to answer. I stand up, pulling my hands from his.

When I see his boxer shorts lying on the floor, I pick them up and throw them at him. “Put these on. I need to get a drink.”

I walk over to my bathroom and down three glasses of water. I turn back to face Nolan. Feelings of anger are starting to replace my sorrow.

In a raised voice, I ask again, “Why are you doing this now, Nolan? Why fucking now? We have been friends for over three years. Why did you wait until I fell in love with someone to tell me that you love me?”

Nolan stands and faces me, grabbing my hands in his again. “I’m so sorry, Liv. I’m so sorry. I was a coward. I know this! I am sorry that I didn’t do something sooner. I just—”

“Just what, Nolan? Just what? Waited until someone else wanted me? Waited until I fell in love with someone else? Just what?”

I was single throughout our entire friendship. I am so angry that he is saying this now. My sobs overtake my body once more, and I fall to my knees.

Nolan follows me to the ground, sitting on his knees in front of me, as he holds my hands in his. “Livi, baby, I am sorry. I was a coward. It was always assumed that I would marry Abby. As you know, our families are very close, and we grew up together. We started dating in high school, and our parents always talked about our future together as if it were a given, as if there was no doubt that we would be married one day. I believed it, too. It was what I knew.”

He takes a piece of my hair sticking to my tear-stained face and places it behind my ear. “Because I only saw Abby during holiday breaks, I guess I made myself believe that we were good together, but we weren’t. I didn’t realize until I lost you in Spain that it has always been you. It has
always
been you, Liv. These past few years, of course, I knew that I loved you, but I thought it was a deep-friendship type of love—at least, I convinced myself that it was. Look back at our time together, Livi. Do you honestly think that there was only friendship between us? Honestly?”

He locks my eyes with his and waits, but I don’t respond. I can’t.

He continues, “These past three years, I think you and I have had the perfect relationship, the kind of relationship most people aren’t lucky enough to find in their lifetime. I’ve discovered that you are the one person in this world who is meant for me. You are meant for me. I think we were able to pretend what we had was innocent because the idea of Abby was always there. But what I had with Abby wasn’t real. What we have is real. You are my forever, babe.”

He tilts his head toward mine and kisses my forehead softly. “I knew it in Spain. I knew that I was in love with you. Maybe it was seeing you with someone else that made everything so clear. Maybe it was the fact that you didn’t let me touch you, and it was physically painful to be near you and not have some sort of contact. I wanted to tell you after Abby left, but you were happy, and I told myself that if you were truly happy, I wouldn’t interfere. But you don’t seem as happy with your relationship with Andres anymore, and to be honest…I couldn’t keep my feelings to myself one second longer. I love you, Livi.”

I am so numb and so confused. God, of course I love Nolan. He is so special to me. Hearing him talk about us in this way sends an ache through my heart because I know he is right. I guess if I am being honest with myself, we have always been more than friends. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Nolan has been the rock in my life. He has supported me these last three years, holding me up when I made horrible decisions, giving me strength when I needed it. He has been my sounding board, my strength, and my best friend through everything. A life without Nolan isn’t one I would ever want.

But I love Andres. I know it down to the depths of my soul that I am madly in love with Andres.

I know that I could be happy with Nolan. Of course we would be head over heels happy together. If the past three years have shown me anything, it is that Nolan has the ability to make me so happy.

I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t lose Andres. It would kill me. I love him. Andres is my forever.

How could I do this to him? How could I do this to Nolan? Why did I do this to myself? I am never drinking again. I obviously can’t trust myself to make rational decisions.

Sitting here, I am drowning. There is no other way to explain it. I am drowning in my own self-inflicted despair. Realization sets in that I might have already lost Andres. I have to tell him about Nolan. I have to, but I am afraid that I will lose Andres. God, I don’t want to lose him.

A small voice inside my head is telling me that I would lose him anyway, that he wouldn’t stay faithful, that he would get tired of the long-distance relationship and the waiting…and he would leave me. I hate her—the insecure, loud-mouthed, opinionated version of myself that puts doubts in my head and ruins everything. She has always been there to make me doubt myself, urging me to make decisions based on fear and insecurities. I fucking hate that bitch. She has always made me doubt myself, which might be the reason I have never had any serious boyfriends until now. I seem to always sabotage every attempt at a relationship that I have had.

But what if she is right? Can Andres really wait all this time for me? He has beautiful, available girls throwing themselves at him every day. It simply takes the right one to catch his attention, and then I would lose him anyway. I don’t know if I could handle the pain of Andres leaving me. That rejection would end me.

Nolan is mine, and he is here. I love him. I do. Nolan has been by my side almost every day for three years. He knows me—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and he still loves me. I know my heart would be safe with him.

But does my heart want him? Does it even matter at this point?

My head hurts. I can’t make a decision yet. I have to talk to Andres.

“Nolan, I need a little time. I have to think about all this. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed right now.”

“I know you love me, Livi. I know it. We are so good together, babe. You know we will be happy.”

I study Nolan as he is kneeling before me. Despite the war of regret waging internally, the rhythmic beat in my chest quickens at the sight of him. His hair is disheveled, and his rich green eyes are staring at me with so much love and fear. I see the concern all over his breathtakingly handsome face, a face that I have loved for so long.