Forget Me (Hampton Harbor) (23 page)

We don't leave the kitchen until nine and I head upstairs to take
a shower, feeling grimy from sitting under the bridge. When I step out of the
shower I stare at myself in the mirror. This has become a daily ritual. I’m
trying to place the girl I see with Melissa. I’m trying to make her stick. My
hair is much shorter now, and the bags under my eyes are gone. I've been
getting more rest, I haven't been worrying as much, and I’m remembering more. I
bring my fingers to my lips again, remembering how Jason's felt on mine. How
Will's used to feel on mine.

I put on my pajamas and slip into the bedroom, where Jason is
rummaging through the dresser in just boxer briefs. I think about slinking back
into the bathroom but stop myself. As much as I don't want to admit it, my mom
had a point in the kitchen, no matter how inappropriate it was for her to
suggest.

"I want to sleep in the bed tonight." I try to sound
sure of myself but my voice tilts at the end.

Jason pulls a pair of shorts from his drawer and looks at me. He
definitely isn't embarrassed to be
almost
naked in front of me. I'm trying to ignore his broad chest and muscular
arms. His tan, tattooed skin...

Focus!

"I think it will help, with my memories," I say.

Jason nods and steps into his shorts. "That's fine. I've been
telling you all week that I'll sleep on the couch."

He doesn't get it.

Now I feel slightly embarrassed, like a teenage girls hinting to a
guy that she likes him. Wants him to kiss her. Wants him to ask her to the
dance.

"No Jason," I say firmly. "I want to sleep in the
bed
with
you."

I hold eye contact, nice and steady. Jason is regarding me with
careful eyes, his whole upper body stiff.

"I'm not saying sleep with me, I'm saying sleep in the bed
with me." I step toward him. "I think it will help me. The more I act
like Melissa, the more I remember her."

"Why do you keep talking about yourself in the past
tense?" Jason asks from his spot by the dresser. I've moved closer to him
but he is made of stone.

"Because I don't know who I am any more. I don't know if I
can ever be Melissa again, or if I can ever give Jane up. I feel like I need to
reconstruct myself." My voice sounds desperate now.

"The haircut," he responds knowingly.

I just nod. "Please," I beg him now.

Jason sighs. "Alright."

I smile and head back to the bathroom to dry my hair. When I’m
finished and ready for bed, I find that Jason has already crawled under the
covers. He is still shirtless, but I at least know he has bottoms on. He has
his phone in his hand and I can tell he is concentrating on whatever he is
reading. I straighten my posture and walk toward the bed with purpose, as
though I belong there. I climb in and pull the covers up, observing the room
from this angle.

I can feel Jason staring at me now but I don't look in his
direction. I focus on the blue walls and the modern decorations. I think about
how different this room is than my room back at Charles and Marie's house. That
room is painted a sunny yellow, and the furniture is a miss-match of antiques.
There are lace doilies and old frames and a painting of a sailboat.

I finally look at Jason, who is now
pretending
to be interested in his phone. I can tell by the way his
fingers are pulling at the comforter, and how his eyes tick back and forth,
that he is no longer focused.

"Do you remember anything?" he finally asks.

I think about his question, wondering what it implies. Maybe he is
expecting me to remember every night we've spent in this room. Intimate moments
and all. And if I am honest with myself, I’m expecting the same thing. It might
be easier to get over Will if he isn't the only man I remember spending the
night with. I don't tell Jason any of this though.

"Not yet, maybe you should kiss me again." I say.

His head snaps toward me and he actually leans away.

"I don't think that’s such a good idea," he says
quickly.

"Why not? It helped me remember under the bridge."

Jason sets his phone on the nightstand and grips the comforter.

"I'm not going to lie, this all feels really awkward."

I laugh. "
You
 feel
awkward?"

"I guess I never thought I would have you beg me to get in
bed with you, and then I wouldn't even be able to touch you."

I’m pretty sure my cheeks turn pink at his words, but I compose
myself.

"Well I'm asking you to touch me," I say. "To
kiss
me." I add when his eyes
widen.

I don't wait for him to move. Instead I lean toward him and grab
the back of his neck, pulling him toward me. Our lips meet roughly in the
middle, and at first Jason is hesitant, but finally his lips soften against
mine. I use my tongue to part his lips, deepening the kiss. Already we've moved
way past the point we had under the bridge.

More images fly through my mind and I pull back.

"It's working," I say excitedly.

Jason's green eyes are dark and now his hands are reaching up to
cup my face. This time he initiates the kiss and
his
tongue parts
my
lips.
My hands slide over his shoulders and one of his slides to the back of my neck
while the other falls to my thigh.

The images are different now.

Making out in the back of Jason's car in high school, and knowing
that I am about to lose my virginity.

Spending nights out by the lake, falling asleep under the stars.

Jason coming to visit me in college and staying in my dorm room.
Me doing the same for him.

Each time we are on the brink of something, something that I can't
recall. As I bring my body closer to Jason's, I know that there may be only one
way to recover those memories fast. Otherwise, I may need to wait for them to
return. At another time, I might say this isn’t worth it, but tonight my
emotions are raw. I feel for Jason everything that Melissa did.

My hands travel into Jason's hair, but it is too short for
me
to curl around my fingers.

I could curl Will's hair
around my fingers.

Jason's hands are both on my thighs now, and he is pulling me into
his lap. Our bodies are melding together, and its apparent just how much Jason
wants me.

He pulls back suddenly, and we are both breathing hard. His eyes
are even darker now, and his neck is red and his lips are swollen. I'm sure I
look the same.

"What are you trying to forget?" He asks me, and I'm
thrown off guard.

I scoot out of his lap and as close to the opposite edge of the
bed as I can. "Why did you ask me that?"

"Because you only kiss me like that when you are trying to
forget something. A fight with your mother, a fight with Beth, a bad day... so
what are you trying to forget?"

I just stare at him and watch the curves of his mouth draw down
and into frown.

"Or who?" His voice is low now.

I hold up my hands.

"Don't go there, Jason. Please."

"WHO, Mel?" His voice is louder now.

I scramble out of the bed and grab my phone from the dresser.

"I'm going to sleep downstairs. This was a bad idea." I
shut the door behind me and hurry down the hall, hoping he doesn't follow me.
 As my luck would have it I hear the door open and his heavy footsteps on
the wood floor.

"Melissa," he shouts after me, using my full name for
the first time since I've been back.

Something in his voice scares me. Scares Melissa.

Instinct tells me to keep moving, the same instinct that told me
to stay in Maine, and I listen. I'm out the door for the second time today, and
now I'm running. I’m running through the streets in my bare feet, ignoring the
cuts and scratches from gravel and twigs. I’m running as far as I can from my
home. From that house, from Jason, and from anything that reminds me of
Melissa.

"Hello?" 

I take in the sound of his voice and close my eyes, trying to calm
my breathing before I talk.

"Will..."

"Jane?" Just the sound of that name on his lips brings
fresh tears to my eyes.

I ran to the elementary school, where I’m now sitting on a swing,
moving back and forth slowly. Jason didn't follow me out of the house, or if he
did, he went in a different direction. I keep expecting his car to pull into
the parking lot, and if it does, I'm not sure what I'll do.

"Jane?" He says my name again and I realize that I
haven't responded.

"It's me," I finally say.

"Why are you calling?" I would be hurt by his question
if he had said it harsher, but I can hear the worry and concern in his voice.
"Did something happen?"

I'm crying and I hear Will pull away from the phone and say
something to someone else. His parents? Brother? A date?

"Jane, what's wrong?" He asks.

"I miss you," I blurt through the tears. "So
much."

I hear him sigh and then he is silent for what feels like an
eternity.

"Jane... I...."

"No," I say. "Don't tell me that things are
complicated, and that you can't do this, and that you need to go. Please Will.
I just need to talk to you, just for a few minutes. I need to hear your
voice."

"Okay," is all he says and then, "So where did you
end up?"

He probably has no details of what happened to me after I left
Hampton Harbor, because I doubt my mom would have given any to her parents.
 I did tell Marie a few things, but she must not have told Will.

"I'm in Clinton Hills, Indiana." I've managed to stop
the tears and I can speak clearly now. “I’m officially living in the
middle of a corn field.”

I tell him what I know and what I've remembered. I tell him about
how I teach Kindergarten and he doesn't seem as surprised as I was. I tell him
about the places and people I've remembered, and I tell about my mom and how we
are at a standstill. I tell him about Beth and everything we’ve done together
since my return. It doesn't take long, but it feels good to get it out and
share with someone who doesn't already know all of this. It’s all new
information for him, just like it felt for me when I first recalled it.

"What about your husband?" Will asks when I stop
talking.

Leave it to him to be so bold.

"He's...." I'm not sure what to say but this is Will,
and I owe him the truth. "He's kind and helpful. The more I talk with him,
the more I remember, and so we spend time each day going over our past. He’s a
teacher too, and a baseball coach."

"Are you happy?"

The question catches me off guard.

"I don't know what I am," I tell him. "I can't seem
to be Melissa or Jane. I feel like I need to be both."

"I think you can be whoever you want to be, Jane." 

"Don't say that," I spit out, suddenly angry.

Someone yells in the background.

"Look, I need to get going."

Now my feelings
are
 hurt,
and I'm brushing back tears. I've been trying my best to forget Will, something
he seems to have accomplished in less than a week.

"And Jane..."

"Yeah?" I say quietly.

"I miss you, too."

The line goes dead and I pull my phone back from my ear, looking
at the bright screen. Hope fills my insides and I hang on to Will's last words.

I miss you, too.

He hasn't completely given up on me yet, just like I can't seem to
give him up. In my mind I know that calling him tonight was wrong, prior to
coming home I didn't know any better. But now, with all I remember, it is
bordering on an emotional affair. Especially if I call him again, which I know
I plan on doing.

When
I get back to the house, the lights are all out and the space is quiet. I wash
my dirty feet in the downstairs bathroom and wince as the warm water hits the
fresh cuts. I think I’m home free until I step from the bathroom and Jason is
leaning against the wall.

I cry
out and clutch my chest. “You scared me.”

He
holds out his hand apologetically. “Can we talk?”

I
flip on a lamp and settle into the couch. The blankets and pillows I normally
use are still piled at the other end. Jason sits on the arm of the chair across
from me and clasps his hands together in his lap. His eyes travel to the floor.

“Your
feet,” he says with a gasp.

I
look down and notice I’ve gotten blood on the floor. “Crap.”

“Hold
on.” He stands and disappears into the kitchen, returning with the first aid
kit I saw under the sink. He slips to his knees and grabs my ankle, my skin
tingles under his touch.