Forget Me Not (19 page)

“
That’s sweet,” I say,
feeling a little guilty that Kristen’s been in this situation and
I’ve barely been there for her.

“
It is, but it makes no
sense. On the other hand, Don has asked me on a date every week
since school started. We grew up in similar places, we have the
same major, he’s incredibly easy to talk to, and we have so much
fun together. Yet every time he asks me to do something just the
two of us, I say no. Why do you think that is?”

“
Wait - Don likes you,
too?”

“
Apparently
so.”

“
Damn. You’re hot,
Kristen.”

She laughs. “Thanks, but not the
point. The point is, Lily, you can’t control what your heart feels.
I know Derek’s your first love, but that doesn’t mean he will be
the only one.”

It hurts to hear it, but she’s right.
It also doesn’t mean that I need to replace Derek with Jack or
anyone else. I just need to move him to the side and keep him as a
part of me, a part that has moved on but still shaped who I
become.

“
I can’t face Jack,” I
tell her. “I mean, I’m not going to go running to him immediately,
but I don’t think I can ever face him. Sure, it hasn’t been that
long, I know, but we were making progress. This whole mess? I feel
like I just proved him right. I’m everything he thought I
was.”

“
I doubt that.”

“
I didn’t choose him,” I
say. “No one ever chooses him. I abandoned him just like everyone
else.”

“
Just because you walked
away tonight doesn’t mean you walked away. When the time comes,
he’ll understand.” Kristen moves to her desk and starts rummaging
through the drawers. I’m not sure what she’s looking for, but I
realize I feel so much better than I did when Derek was
here.

“
Do you really think he’ll
be okay?”

“
Derek or
Jack?”

“
Both.”

“
Yes. Derek will move on
and he’ll realize that you’re right. And Jack isn’t going anywhere.
He’ll be there when you’re ready. But I think tonight’s not the
night. Get some rest.” She turns around, having found what she was
looking for in her desk. “Did you eat?”

I shake my head. We talked through
dinner.

“
Me neither. So, first?
Pizza. Then sleep.”

Chapter
1
4

I somehow manage to survive the month
of November and even go home for Thanksgiving without incident.
Derek has his parents come get him, rather than ride with me and
Jon, but that’s the only time our break up even comes up. My
parents are thrilled to see me for a few days and Jon doesn’t act
any differently, which is a relief. School becomes not only my
focus, but a bit of a haven as well. I love my classes and I love
my group of friends. I haven’t talked to Jack; I haven’t even seen
him. It’s a lame excuse, since I could just go to his room, but I
want to find the right time. My feelings for him haven’t changed
and I’m not still trying to figure myself out. I know I want to
take a chance on him; I just need to decide how to make my
move.

My chance comes the weekend after
Thanksgiving. I’m sitting in the newspaper office, typing up a
feature story on students’ winter plans, when my editor stops in to
get the mail. She looks relieved to see me, which is probably a bad
thing.

“
I am so glad you are
here.”

“
Thank you?”

“
You know that band you
covered a while ago? The campus band?”

“
Yeah,” I say, wondering
where this going and hoping that it’s going where I think it
is.

“
They’re doing a show
tonight at the same club. Headlining this time, which I guess is
awesome and all that. But I really don’t want to go and no one else
was available. I was screwed into going, but you really liked them
last time. I just know you want to take the story,
right?”

I could be insulted that she’s excited
to drop this on me, but it means seeing Jack and it means the
universe or whatever is working to make sure that I see
Jack.

“
Sure. I can cover
it.”

“
Great. You’re the best.”
She leaves, now that I’ve done what she wanted, and I get back to
my story. I think about Jack. His hair, his eyes, his body. I’m
giddy; if I needed a sign, obviously this is it. It’s all going to
be okay.

I can’t finish my story with Jack on
my mind, so I head to my room to change. Everything looks stupid
and I’m frustrated, because I want tonight to be perfect. I can’t
decide between a dress and jeans and sit in a pile of discarded
clothing, doubting everything. Kristen’s finally on an actual date
with Lyle and Caitlin’s out of town for the weekend. I need a girl,
though, and I need help, so I suck it up and call Mary.

“
Yeah?” She
answers.

“
It’s Lily. I need you to
help dress me.”

“
What?” It makes her
laugh, though, so that’s good.

“
I have to go to Jack’s
show tonight and I want to be irresistible and everything I own
sucks and I don’t know what to do and please help me.”

“
Be there in five.” She
hangs up and she’s in my room in even less than five minutes, which
is impressive since we don’t live in the same dorm. She rummages
through my pile, tossing everything aside with clear
distaste.

“
Do you own anything
sexy?”

“
I think I have a tank
top.”

“
Hopeless.”

Mary finds an olive green dress in the
back of my closet, a hideous thing I’ve never worn but bought
because it was on sale and I thought it looked good on the
mannequin only to realize I don’t look like the mannequin. She
grabs a pair of scissors and a black sweater and orders me to
strip. I stand in the middle of my room in my underwear while she
cuts and swears about something. Finally, though, she stands up and
comes over to me with the dress. I don’t know what she did, but it
looks fantastic. She somehow merged the dress and the sweater to be
one dress; it looks both feminine and punk rock and it’s absolutely
perfect for tonight.

“
Wow. Maybe you should
major in fashion,” I tell her.

“
I’ve written 18 papers so
far this semester. You have no idea how attractive that sounds
right now.”

“
No kidding.” I dig
through my closet and find a pair of black combat boots I’ve had
since high school, but never wore. Abby thought they looked badass
and we each bought a pair, only to realize we lived in a town where
people only wore combat boots if they were in the military. I don’t
even know why I brought them with me to school, other than that
maybe a part of me subconsciously envisioned college as a chance to
reinvent myself. Regardless, I’m glad I did.

“
Is this a new look?” Mary
asks.

“
No. Just for tonight. For
Jack.”

“
Are you nervous? About
finally talking to him again?”

“
Terrified,” I admit.
“What if he hates me?”

“
Then you know and you
find someone who doesn’t. Because life’s too short for
that.”

****

The club is crowded again when I get
there. Jack’s band is popular on campus and now it looks like that
popularity has reached off campus; given everything he’s been
through, it feels satisfying. He deserves success, even if it is on
a small, local scale. I don’t recognize anyone when I get there,
and I meander through the crowd, trying to get as close to the
stage as possible. I want him to see me, to know I’m here to
support him. I make it right up to the stage and I’m watching the
first band to set up when a hand brushes against my shoulder. I
almost don’t turn around, thinking it was an accident, until I hear
a voice call my name.

I turn. Alana looks stunning. Her
tight jeans are low cut and the short black shirt she’s wearing
leaves very little to the imagination. She’s holding a cigarette,
but the club is nonsmoking, so it’s unlit. Her hair is tied up
behind her head with a bright pink bandana. It’s a funny color
choice and I think of Kristen. Some days, my life makes no
sense.

“
Hey,” I say.

“
Hey. Does Jack know
you’re here?”

I shake my head. “No. Is he going to
be mad?”

“
Mad? I doubt it.
But…”

“
Did he tell you what
happened?”

She doesn’t get a chance to respond
before the opening band starts warming up. She takes my hand and
pulls me outside. It’ll be a while before Jack’s band goes on.
Lighting her cigarette, she looks lost. Alana is so beautiful that
it hurts a little to think that she and Jack used to have a
relationship – and possibly still do. I remind myself, though, that
he said they couldn’t work and yet he seemed willing to try with
me. That matters. I know it does.

“
He told me a little.
Something about a boyfriend.”

“
It’s over now. I ended it
that night.”

“
But you
disappeared.”

“
It wasn’t fair. If I went
running to Jack immediately after, it wasn’t real, you know? I was
just hiding with him. He needs someone who doesn’t need to
hide.”

“
And you’re found now?”
She’s not mean, but she’s doubtful.

“
Ish?”

“
It was tough. He’s been a
wreck.” She takes a drag of her cigarette and shakes her head. “Are
you sure you’re ready? He’s finally putting himself back together
and I’d hate to see you break him in the same places he’s already
been broken.”

“
I’m ready. I can’t
promise I won’t break him and I can’t say he won’t break me. But I
want to try.”

“
I warned you, you know. I
told you not to fall for him.”

“
I couldn’t help
it.”

“
He’s going to be a
terrible boyfriend.”

“
I don’t care what kind of
boyfriend he is. I just want Jack. With whatever that
brings.”

Alana smiles. “Yeah. I get
that.”

In that smile, I realize what no one
had told me yet. Alana loves Jack. I don’t know how long she has or
what that means for me, but she’s in love with him and probably has
been for quite some time. I feel guilt and envy
simultaneously.

“
How long?” I
ask.

“
For what?”

“
How long have you been in
love with him?”

She sighs and walks to a bench across
the street. I can still hear the opening band and follow her. She
lights another cigarette and offers me one. I take it and sit
beside her, waiting for her to tell me her story.

She takes a huge drag off her
cigarette and breathes it out slowly before speaking. “Is it that
obvious?”

“
No. I didn’t know at
first, but I recognize that look when you say his name. I feel the
exact same way.” It breaks my heart to tell her that, both because
it will hurt her and also because I have to admit that I care for
someone who will probably never forgive me and definitely doesn’t
feel the same.

“
I fell for him right
away. The first time I saw him, I knew. He had no friends. When I
talked to him, we just clicked, you know? I was a loser, too, but
together? We were something special. All of the places in me that
were empty fit with all the places he wasn’t. I felt like I’d found
the only friend I’d ever need.”

“
But you weren’t
dating?”

“
No, we were friends for
over a year before it started, but eventually, well… Hell, we were
fifteen. Our hormones were crazy, and, I mean, there was no one
else. Who better to experiment with than your best friend, right?
It was a little awkward at first, but eventually, it was what we
both needed. We had the physical and emotional and things were
good.”

I haven’t been smoking the cigarette
she gave me, but thinking of her having spent years exploring sex
with Jack makes me so jealous. I quietly smoke, watching her do the
same. It’s weird. I’ve slept with this girl. I’ve watched Jack fuck
her in front of me. However, it’s the way she talks about him now
that’s hard to face. I want to be the one who makes him better; I’m
envious of Alana’s history with him, not that she has the
history.

“
So what happened? If it
was working?”

“
We were kids. I don’t
know what I want with my life now at twenty. At sixteen? I didn’t
know what I wanted that month, never mind forever.”

“
It started when our
friend Dave wanted to date me. Jack and I were a couple, but we
were always honest about the possibility of dating other people. It
just never happened. For me, it was always Jack. He never even
looked for anyone else. But when Dave asked me out, Jack lost it. I
said no. I wanted no one but Jack, but the whole dynamic changed.
Despite what we had as a couple, he’s damaged. He’d freak out
whenever he thought I was mad at him. He was so jealous of Dave and
they’d randomly fight when we all hung out. At some point, I
couldn’t handle his moodiness anymore. I don’t remember breaking
up, but we just weren’t together all of a sudden. I don’t even know
who ended it.”