Forgetting August (Lost & Found) (19 page)

I
f I were a religious person, I would call what I did over the next several days repenting.

Since I wasn’t, I’d just go with calling it reveling in guilt. I felt it in spades.

Guilt over driving to the cliffs when I was angry with Ryan.

Guilt because I’d stayed…because of the things I’d said, things I’d done.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I hated the word.

Ryan still hadn’t asked where I’d gone after the failed intervention. Part of me thought he already knew, and the other enjoyed the quiet bliss of not knowing. Somehow, in the midst of all this, I’d become that heroine I despised—the one that always made me flip through pages of a book or roll my eyes in a movie because she just couldn’t get her shit together.

I’d become someone I couldn’t stand.

So now I would make amends.

Starting with the wedding plans I’d ignored over the last several weeks. There was so much to do and with the rift currently brewing between Sarah and me, the only person left to handle them was me.

As I looked through dozens of florist and cake brochures, I suddenly missed my best friend incredibly. We were supposed to do this together. Well, actually, she was supposed to pick out everything I liked while I sat here fooling around, making origami swans out of the dozen brochures she’d painfully gathered.

She loved this type of thing—me, not so much. It was why August and I had never hosted parties at the house and why I much preferred to spend an evening snuggled under blankets, rather than in a noisy club. I’d spent years living in other people’s homes and never having one of my own. For a child—having a place to call their own is one of the most precious things on earth. And I’d never had that until August and I moved into that tiny one bedroom home on that beautiful, crowded street in the city. That was the first time I’d ever had a place to call my own. No roommates, no foster parents—just August, me, and our cute little home.

The walls might have changed, but that feeling still remained. I loved the feeling of coming home.

And even though Ryan and I were back to renting rather than owning a place, I’d still made it ours as much as possible. And being there would always beat a night out at a fancy club. But our wedding would be different and that was something I had to realize. It wasn’t going to be a dinner party or fancy soiree. It was going to be our wedding day—and that deserved attention.

So why couldn’t I focus?

I’d been diligent in my other groveling duties. I’d cleaned the house from top to bottom after my morning work shift, made a killer dinner each night he’d returned home from work, and yet when it came to planning the most important day of our life…

I couldn’t string two minutes together.

Chocolate or vanilla…roses or lilies? It all seemed maddening.

“Ev, I think we need to talk.” Ryan’s voice broke through the silence as he stepped into the kitchen. I looked up and saw him awkwardly standing before me with his hands in his pockets, staring down at the brochures scattered on the table. He visibly winced and turned away.

“Sure, what’s up?” I asked, gathering everything up in an effort to make room for him at the table, but he just turned and began to pace, lacing his hands behind the back of his head.

“I should have known. You shouldn’t have to badger and practically beg a woman to date you,” he said under his breath.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, suddenly concerned.

“Do you remember how long it took for you to say yes to me? Do you recall how many coffee orders I placed…how many cheesy one-liners and mentions about good hygiene and my impeccable driving record it took before you took a chance on us?”

“Why are you bringing this up?”

“It shouldn’t be this hard,” he answered. “Love shouldn’t require thought or force. It simply is, and as easy as it is for me to feel that for you—I don’t know if you feel it back.”

My heart hammered in my chest as I jumped to my feet.

“Are you crazy, Ryan? I love you—only you. I agreed to marry you!” I said, holding my left hand out as proof.

“Where did you go, Ev? The other night? When we fought—where did you go?”

Silence poured into the room.

An agonized laugh fell from his lips. “See, the sad thing is I already knew. The moment you left here, I knew where you’d end up—who you’d turn to. It’s like he’s your true north on a compass. Up until a few months ago, I thought I might be.”

“You are,” I cried as tears began free-falling from my cheeks.

“No, Everly. I’m not. I filled the void for a while. But your heart was already taken. I don’t get it…it’s something I’ll never understand, especially after everything he did to you. But even after all that, you never gave up on him. And now you need to give that a second chance.”

“What are you saying?” I cried out, and wrapped my arms around myself like a protective vise. He finally stopped pacing and turned to me.

“I’m taking the high road—and giving you an out to discover what your heart really wants. Him or me.”

I took a step forward but froze when I saw him back away.

“I don’t want an out!” I screamed. “I want you!”

“No, you don’t,” he said softly. “You don’t know what you want and until you do—I won’t be your second choice.”

His eyes met mine and I saw loss and pain, and then finality as he gave a single nod and headed for the door. Panic rose inside of me and I ran after him.

“Please Ryan, don’t. Don’t do this.”

“I’m only doing what you’re too afraid to do yourself,” he said, stopping just short of the door. He turned to face me, unshed tears visible in his blue eyes.

“I love you—and this is my way of showing you,” he whispered. He caressed my cheek and disappeared like a ghost out the door, leaving me alone with nothing but the silence and my tears to soothe me.

This time when my car pulled up that brick driveway, I knew exactly where I was. And why I was there.

Not wasting a second, I killed the engine and stepped away from the car, intent on my purpose. I had words—plenty of them—and I was ready to unleash them on my enemy.

Because that’s what August was. My own version of Public Enemy Number One.

He opened the door almost immediately after I began pounding on it. His happy, surprised expression faded just as quickly as the words began rushing from my lips.

“You’ve ruined my life. Again!” I screamed, pointing my finger deep into his chest. His surprise gave way to confusion as he let me stumble my way over the threshold.

“I don’t understand, Everly. What’s going on?”

I grunted out a laugh. “You. You are what’s going on. Ever since you woke up, my life has been in turmoil. It wasn’t enough that you treated me poorly for years—no, now you have to ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

His hands went up in a defensive position as he slowly backed into the living room. My finger was still pressed deep into his chest and the way he looked down at it made me feel like I was pointing a loaded weapon at his heart.

“Ryan left me!” I cried out, fresh tears dripping down my cheeks.

His eyes rounded in sympathy. Sympathy I didn’t want or need.

“No!” I yelled. “Don’t you dare say anything. You’ve done enough!”

Stepping out of my reach, his eyes turned hard as he wrapped his arms around his torso. “What have I done exactly?”

I yelled out in frustration, my hands going through my hair as I turned away from him. “He doesn’t think I love him. He says I need time.”

“To do what?” he pressed.

“To be with you!”

“And you obviously don’t agree?” he asked slowly as I turned and met his gaze.

“Look, I get that me coming here, announcing my split from Ryan is like a wet dream come true for you, but let me explain something—it’s temporary. We will get back together.”

His expression turned heated. “You think I like seeing you show up like this? All wrecked and destroyed over another fucking guy? Do you think this pleases me somehow? Jesus, Everly—if I ever pictured you coming through that door again, it certainly wasn’t like this.”

“I hate this,” I sobbed, “I hate this whole thing. Why did you have to wake up, August? Why now? Why couldn’t you have waited? Just a little bit longer? We could have been married—happy. Settled.”

He shook his head, shock written all over his face. “Do you think anything would have really been different? Do you think the timing of this would have changed anything, Everly? That somehow marriage vows would have made the big difference in all of this?”

“Yes!”

“No—” he cut me off. “It wouldn’t. The only difference would be a marriage falling apart instead of an engagement.”

“We’re getting back together!” I screamed.

“Please,” he hissed. “If that were true, why was the first thing you did after he left to come here?”

I opened my mouth to answer but the words fell flat as he stepped closer, pushing into my personal space. His scent surrounded me as his dark hazel eyes looked down with purpose.

“Exactly,” he said softly. “You and I are the same. Both too scared to admit the cold, hard truth—moving on isn’t an option for us because we’re still stuck right damn here.”

Pulling me closer, his mouth closed over mine. His kiss was brutal and hard. My gasp of surprise only pushed him further, digging his hands into my waist as he lifted me from the floor. The more I fought, the more punishing he became. We fought as my legs wrapped around his waist and my jagged teeth sank into his lip.

Hearing him cry out in pain only fueled the fire that was raging uncontrollably in my belly, begging me to go further—to hurt him for everything I’d lost. He grabbed my hair roughly as I pushed us back onto the couch. We ripped clothes from our bodies in mindless frenzy. I had no idea what I was doing, only that he was the reason I was doing it. Time rushed by in a blur, as passion and pain dominated my mind.

He was the reason for everything.

Nothing was gentle. There were no lingering kisses, no words of praise as he pulled a condom from his wallet and quickly slipped it on. No thoughts of whether this was wrong or right passed through my head as we pushed and pulled at each other. His dark eyes met mine seconds before he lifted my naked body and slammed it down on his, culminating our wicked dance into something deeper.

I cried out at the intrusion but he gave me no time to adjust as he moved me up and down over and over on his swollen cock. Every plot of vengeance…every fantasy of getting even was pushed aside as he worked my body over his. I let him own me in those minutes, giving it all up for those few shorts moments of bliss.

My head fell back as he picked me up and flipped me over the back of the couch, spreading my legs wide.

“Shit!” I yelled as he entered me from behind, his relentless pace never slowing as he moved hard and slow into me. I pushed back, feeling the hard line of his pelvic bone hit my ass as he grabbed my hips and pumped in and out.

“Remember this,” he said, leaning over, against my ear. “Remember what this feels like when you go crawling back to your fiancé tomorrow, Everly. Remember what I feel like inside you. Don’t ever forget how we feel together.”

His words had me breaking apart, coming like a tidal wave at each hard thrust. As I tightened around him, his speed picked up, moving faster until I felt him surrender to his own inevitable release and collapse next to me on the couch.

Neither of us said anything as he stood and walked away, heading for the stairs.

There was really nothing left to say.

I could have left. I should have left. That is what a smart person would have done.

But instead, I traced his steps up the familiar staircase.

“Not the master,” I said as his hand went to the door handle of the bedroom we’d once shared. Without a single word, he walked until he reached the guest bedroom and waited.

Without a single word, I followed.

The crashing waves did nothing to calm my weary nerves. I watched the early morning sun climb higher up the horizon under the large bank of fog that hung heavy over the city. After sneaking out of bed, I’d found my clothes scattered around the sofa with August’s things.

I barely remembered removing them.

Everything had happened so fast.

And yet, when it was over, and the moment had passed…I hadn’t left. I hadn’t fallen to my knees begging with remorse and chastising myself over the inexcusable decisions I’d made.

No, instead…I made them over and over again. All night long.

Was this what Ryan had expected me to do? When he’d walked out the door last night, leaving me to choose—did he know I’d end up here? Did everyone seem to know me better than I did myself?

Pushing away from the balcony edge, I pulled the blanket I’d grabbed from the living room tighter around my shoulders and headed back inside to make a cup of coffee. I felt no big rush to leave as long as August was still asleep. Today was my day off and it wasn’t as if I had anywhere else to go.

I had no home anymore anyway.

I had no home.

That thought lodged in my brain and I halted mid-step in the kitchen, nearly spilling the bag of coffee grounds I was carrying.

Oh dear god, I had nowhere to go. Did I?

Ryan had been the one to walk out, but it had always been his apartment. I’d moved in with him—not the other way around. When we’d made the step to move in together, I had been living in a tiny apartment I’d found after I moved away from the cliffs and we’d thought it best to keep his. It was in a better area and larger.

I couldn’t expect him to leave—especially now.

After what I’d done.

Setting the coffee down on the counter, I felt my heart rate double at the thought of being homeless. Visions of ratty sheets and secondhand clothes filled my mind as my childhood raced back.

I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t.

Running toward the door, I grabbed my purse, ready to race back to the apartment.

I had to plan—pack…something. Oh, god. What a mess I’d made.