Forward Passes (Seattle Lumberjacks) (26 page)

“I’m not running. I’m walking away.”

Determination glinted in his eyes, the same determination she’d seen in television interviews just before his first Super Bowl. “When you decide to live your life, not your grandmother’s plan for your life, you know where to find me.”

“Goodbye. You won’t know where to find me. I’m moving.”

“But that’s your place. You know that now. Not your grandmother’s.”

“It’s also my brother’s and my father’s place. I can’t stay here.”

“You won’t leave the islands.” He spoke with such conviction, it irritated her. He knew her too well.

She’d given up too much to stay here and take care of her senior citizens, including an education and a more lucrative career. But it was home, and she loved it as much as she loved her old people. “There’s more than one island in the San Juans. We’ll be separated by a body of water, and it might as well be another country.”

His mouth settled into a thin line.

“Tyler, do one thing for me.”

He stared down at her a long, long time. Regret, need, and sorrow showed on his face and he made no attempt to conceal his emotions.

“Find your passion. If it’s not football, retire, and don’t give up until you find out what it is.”

“I
have
to go back to football.”

“You don’t have to do anything. You could retire if your heart’s not in it.”

“I don’t want to retire.” He spoke softly, almost reverently, almost as if he’d just discovered the truth for himself.

“Then go back to your team and show them you’re in this one hundred percent.”

“I could stay a while longer, if you’d only make this between you and me and not your grandmother.”

She bristled at his mention of her grandmother, feeling protective and defensive. “It is about us, and it’ll never work. You need to go back. There’s nothing holding you here.”

“You are.” He touched her face. The look of tenderness in his warm blue eyes sucker punched her.

She shook her head, fighting back tears and feeling torn between the jock she swore she’d never fall for and a grandmother whose love came with tough conditions.

“We don’t start training camp for a few more months.”

“Is Zach at the practice facility working out right now with the young guys?”

“Yeah, every day, so I hear.” He regarded her warily, as if he knew what was coming.

“Go back. Go to team headquarters, start working out, throw yourself into it with all you’ve got. Show the doubters it’s still your team, and you aren’t giving it up without a fight.”

Hands on her shoulders, he studied her for a long time. He made no attempt to hide his feelings from her. He’d definitely come a long ways. Had she?

“You’re pretty special, Tyler Harris. Let the rest of the world see what you let me see. Be the person you can be, and you’ll find your passion again.”

His deep blue eyes searched hers, peeling away her defenses layer by layer. His gaze trapped her, chipped at her armor, made her believe in miracles. “I think I love you, Rebecca Gerloch.”

“Don’t say things you don’t mean.” Lavender shuddered at his use of her given name even as her heart danced at the words until she wrapped her brain around his actual words. He
thought
he loved her. But that wasn’t enough. He needed to
know
he loved her.

“You love me, too.” With a confident nod, Tyler stepped back and released her, as if he knew something she didn’t.

No sense denying the truth. “Love isn’t enough. We have too many strikes against us. Football is a greedy mistress. You and I will never work out.” Eventually he’d leave her just like her father had, and she’d be left without a family and without him. She’d be all alone. She didn’t think her heart could survive, so it was better to get it over with now.

“You’re right about one thing, the two us will never work out—as long as your grandmother controls your life. You have to learn to follow some of your own advice. Be your own person. Stand up for yourself.” With a sigh, he planted a chaste kiss on the tip of her nose, and turned back to his truck.

“Tyler.”

He hesitated, hand on the door handle. “Yeah?”

“I’ll miss you. Make your dad and Ryan proud.”

He nodded and swallowed. “I have, and I will.” On that note, he got into his truck and shut the door. Cougar stared at her through the window from his place on the back of the seat. The cat’s accusing gaze said it all.

You’re a coward.

That she was.

With one last sad smile, Tyler pulled down the driveway. She watched until his truck rounded a corner and disappeared out of sight. A lump sat in her throat almost choking her. She was a coward of the worst kind. She refused to see the truth because hiding behind lies and assumptions made her life easier in the short run, even as it ate her up inside a little bit more every day.

She trudged down to Twin Cedars’ dock. A storm moved in. Dark clouds brewed angrily in the distance. Waves crashed against the rickety dock and rocked it. She braced her legs apart to keep from falling into the swirling waters. The wind whipped at her hair. Rain peppered her face, but she didn’t feel any of it.

Instead she recalled a night of passion on this very dock on a calm, starlit night and a man who made love to her with such profound tenderness, it rocked her to her very soul.

The ever-changing waters rolled onto the beach then receded, only to return again. Like life, the waves altered the landscape by pushing driftwood up the beach, cutting away at the rocky bank, carving a new shape to the islands, adding some here, taking away there. A constant evolution, ever adjusting to nature’s demands.

Wiping a tear from her face, Lavender splashed through the mud puddles back to the house, ignoring the rain, which found ways past the protective shell of her raincoat. A blast of heat welcomed her as she opened the door. She removed her coat and shook it out on the vinyl flooring of the entryway. After hanging it on a peg near the front door, she wandered into the small living room. Slicking back her wet hair, she pulled a bulging envelope from its hiding place under the couch.

She stared at it for a moment then stashed it back under the couch. She wasn’t ready yet. For a lot of things. She wondered if she’d ever be ready for the truth.

* * * * *

Tyler ground his teeth so hard his head throbbed. A vein pulsed in his neck from the tension. He pulled his truck onto the ferry. Shutting off the engine, he leaned his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. Coug climbed over his shoulder and purred in his ear. He rubbed his face against Tyler’s five-o’clock shadow, as if loving the scratchy feel of Tyler’s chin.

Tyler’s laugh rang hollow to his own ears, as he spit out a mouthful of cat hair. He pulled Coug onto his lap.

“Damn cat.” He stroked the animal’s soft fur, while the ferry engines thrummed as the boat pulled away from the dock.

“We’re going home, buddy. You’ll like the place.” The cat stared at him. “Okay, maybe you won’t. No mice, and you can’t go outside in the city. You’ll get used to it.”

Yeah, but would he?

Dang, he’d told Lavender he
thought
he loved her. Maybe not the best choice of words. They’d just bubbled from his lips. As soon as he’d uttered the three scariest words known to man, he knew he’d meant them. He didn’t just
think
, he knew. She hadn’t even batted an eye, but swatted him down like a pesky fly. Even worse, she’d chosen her psycho grandmother over him. He gritted his teeth harder, which didn’t help the pounding in his head. Nor could he drown out that cracking sound, which surely signaled the splintering of his once-hard heart.

Damn, he fu—effing hated this. He never let down his guard. He never let a woman inside his most secret places. Never. But he’d let Lavender in, and she’d messed with him. Okay, so maybe shoving her dad down her throat as a birthday present might qualify as a stupid-assed idea.

Still, she’d thrown his words back in his face, as if she didn’t believe him. That hurt worse than anyt
hing else because for once he’d been honest about what was in his heart.

He guessed honesty didn’t count. 

Chapter 27

Red Zone

Tyler put his hand over his mouth to stifle a yawn. The dim-witted, gorgeous blonde model glued to his side posed for a photog
rapher and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. All the while, she kept her face turned toward the camera. Once the photographer moved away to other celebrities, the brilliant smile plastered on her face turned upside down into an ugly scowl.

Tyler raised an eyebrow at her. She pouted and tapped one toe on the marble floor of whatever Hollywood mansion they happened to be partying in that night. He was way too sober to deal with this brainless twit. He regretted agreeing to escort the silicone babe, but his agent pushed until he’d conceded.

“I’m bored. Let’s move on.” She stuck out her lower lip, which had so much botox pumped into it that it looked like a landing pad.

“Be my guest.” Tyler couldn’t wait to ditch her, the sooner the better.

“Be your guest?”

“Yeah, I’ve had enough. I’m flying home. Tonight.” He added for emphasis. He shook her off his arm and strode toward the door. She ran after him and yanked him around.

“You can’t walk out on me like this. I’m somebody, and I need an escort for the evening even if you are a dumb jock.”

“Well, this dumb jock doesn’t give a shit if you’re the fu—effing Princess of Wales.”

“You’re an ass.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you noticed.” He tipped an invisible hat. Tyler headed toward the door only to stop dead at the sound of a familiar voice.

“Ty. How are you?”

Tyler turned around slowly. “I’m good, Cass. And you?” He waited for the old feelings of desire and raw hunger to come flooding back to him. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened.

“I’ve never been happier. This is my husband, Sam.”

The two men shook hands. Tyler felt not even a twinge of jealousy.

“Congratulations, I’m truly glad for you.” He meant every word. He smiled at Cass, a genuine smile. She looked good, actually happy, as she clutched her husband’s arm. The man gazed down at her like a man in love. Cass returned her husband’s look, devotion shone in her eyes. She’d never looked at Tyler like that. They’d either been fighting or making up, but never anything in between.

Stepping forward, Cass hugged Tyler, and he hugged her back. Her familiar scent tugged at his heartstrings, but more melancholy than regret.

“Well, I just wanted to say hi when I saw you across the room. Take care.” An awkward silence set in, and Tyler took the hint.

“Good to see you, Cass.” He escaped out the door and signaled for his ride. He settled into the limo and stared out the window, digesting it all.

When he saw Cass and her husband together the only thing he felt was envy. Not envy because he wanted Cass, but envy because he wanted Lavender to look at him like Cass looked at her husband. He wanted Vinnie on his arm as they walked through a black-tie affair, making it clear to everyone they were a couple. He wanted it all, but she obviously didn’t feel the same, at least not enough to take a chance on a reformed asshole or sacrifice her relationship with her grandmother.

For the last two months, Tyler had dived into football, the first one at the practice facility in the morning and the last one to leave at night. The tension with Murphy didn’t subside; if anything it worsened, dividing the team even further.

He didn’t have his game back, couldn’t get in the zone but he improved a little bit every day. That’s all a guy could expect. Tyler wasn’t giving up. It’d take some work to win back his old confidence and the team’s respect and trust.

In his spare time, he volunteered with a couple of veterans’ organizations, visiting VA hospitals and nursing homes, not to mention working with young cancer patients. He played cards with a group of veterans once a week, and they loved to raz him about anything and everything. The kids at the children’s hospital lit up when he walked in the room, reading to them or just hanging out playing video games. He felt good about himself for the first time in a long time.

He rarely had more than one drink a night, left the parties early and alone. They weren’t part of his life anymore. He didn’t get any satisfaction from superficial crap. He’d cut way back on his spending, invested his Super Bowl bonus instead of blowing it, and sold a couple vacation houses to help fund the mansion rehab. All in all, his bank account started its slow recovery from anemic to financially secure.

Tonight he’d fly back to Seattle and his fu—frigging cat. Hell, he’d even managed to confine his use of the F-word to special occasions.

Either time would heal his wounds—and so far that wasn’t working for him—or make Lavender’s heart grow fonder, fond enough she’d hunt him down.

And if she didn’t hunt him down, he’d know the truth behind her feelings. Proud men didn’t beg. If he had one thing left, it happened to be his pride.

* * * * *

For two months, Lavender denied everything. She denied missing Tyler. She denied her grandmother may not have been straight with her about her father. And she denied that she wanted to know the truth.

She immersed herself in her work with her seniors and enrolled in a correspondence course in the gerontology field. Eventually she’d get a degree.

A summer storm hit her little house forcing her inside. Across the pasture, the workmen hurried in and out of the old mansion, carrying tools and supplies. She’d love to see the inside, but she kept her distance.

The envelope she’d stashed under the couch two months ago beckoned to her, Lavender hesitated. In this case, ignorance might be bliss—or not.

Setting her jaw, she got down on her knees and rummaged under the couch. She pulled out the over-stuffed envelope and shook the dust bunnies off it. Housekeeping had never been her strong suit. Ripping open the envelope, Lavender poured the contents onto the coffee table and began to rifle through them.

Unopened letters and cards addressed to Lavender from her father were scattered across the old coffee table’s marred surface.
Return to sender
was scrawled across each one in her grandmother’s handwriting. A decade of birthday and Christmas cards Lavender had never received. The cold blade of betrayal sliced through her. She felt physically ill, like she’d come down with the flu or some kind of bug. Yeah, the betrayal bug. Clutching her stomach, she stumbled to a chair and sat down with a thud.

Her grandmother led her to believe her father didn’t care, that he’d abandoned her, in order to keep her granddaughter under control and her father out of her life. The selfishness of it overwhelmed her.

Her hands shook as she picked up another piece of paper, an accounting of the child support her father paid over the years. Another of her grandmother’s lies shattered by cold, hard proof.

The deed on the property came next. Another lie unveiled.

An opened envelope addressed to her father in her grandmother’s handwriting caught her attention. The postmark indicated a date just before her high school graduation. She pulled out the one-page letter and read it.

Lavender asked me to write to you. Please do not contact her. She wishes no further contact with you in any way, shape, or form. She does not consider you her father. Please do not cause our family any further pain with your selfish actions. Leave us alone. Doris.

Icy cold ran through her. A tear slipped down her cheek and onto the letter, blurring a few words. Lavender crumpled the letter in her fist. It slid from her fingers to the floor. She hugged herself and rocked back and forth.

She’d sat on that stage at graduation and watched for her father, growing more and more depressed as each moment passed.

Selfish?
Her grandmother called her father selfish for attempting to contact her? She’d swallowed her grandmother’s lies. All these years, she’d been denied a relationship with her father and brother because her grandmother couldn’t let go of her obsessive hatred of her former son-in-law. Lavender had gone along, because she’d feared Doris would disown her, like she’d done Andy.

Doris had lied about everything.

Lavender stared at the proof littering the top of the table. She’d patterned her life according to her grandmother’s wishes. Her grandmother forbade her to have animals in the house so she’d lived a lonely life in this house. She’d kept the peace by not asking questions, by going with the flow, by letting her grandmother have her way, by losing a part of herself. She’d even let her grandmother dictate whom she should love.

Now it was time to live her life, not her grandmother’s version of it, and damn the consequences.

* * * * *

Lavender paced the floor and fretted, twisting her ring harder than ever. One thing at a time. First her grandmother. Then her father. Then Tyler?

Tyler had been right; she needed to get her personal life in order before she’d be able to have a successful relationship with him.

Doris swept into the room, barking orders at Lavender. Larry slinked along behind her. “The garden is full of weeds. The lawn needs mowing. This house is a mess.”

Tight lipped, Lavender stood as tall as a short person could and approached her grandmother, the crumpled letter in one hand. Without a word, she gave it to Doris. Doris glanced at it. Her face turned white as she recognized the contents.

“Lavender, I can explain. I did this for your own good.” Doris reached out for her granddaughter, but Lavender backed away. She saw her grandmother’s actions as they really were, just another way to manipulate her.

“No, Gram. You did it for you. Not me.” She twisted her ring harder, ignoring the ache in her finger and her heart.

“Honey, everything I do has been for you. I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” Doris’s words rang false, draining her grandmother’s power to control.

“Does that include hiding this stuff from me and collecting rent on a property you don’t own?” Lavender pointed at the various cards and letters littering the table.

Doris blanched and went on the defensive. “You’ve been talking to your father.”

“No, I haven’t, but I’m going to.” She stared her grandmother in the eyes. She’d taken control of her life and was standing up to her grandmother. As hard as it was, she felt empowered.

“You wouldn’t betray me like that. I’ve always been there for you.” Doris’s cold voice contained a warning, but Lavender had prepared for the worst.

“It’s not a matter of betrayal, Gram. If you won’t support me, at least tolerate my desire to have a relationship with my father. Be happy for me. Don’t make me choose. I want you both in my life. I wish you’d see it that way.” Lavender’s voice broke, but she held to her convictions.

“I don’t see it that way. Not at all. You’ve disappointed me and broken my heart.” Turning on her heel, Doris grabbed Larry’s arm. “We’re through with that ungrateful brat.”

Casting an apologetic glance over his shoulder, Larry followed Doris out the door. Her grandmother made her choice and Lavender would make hers. She didn’t cry. She didn’t break down. She found an inner strength she didn’t know she had and made a phone call. One she should’ve made years ago.