Fractious (22 page)

The gate was open and people were streaming out, both human and Tuatha Dé
alike, with the very occasional Goat Person thrown in just for fun. Cu made Bob stop at a certain
bush, where he retrieved his bright green top hat and the sword he'd bought from Tat the sword
maker on a day that seemed like at least two eons ago. He donned his bright green top hat, and
then handed the sword to me. He looked so much more like himself, with the bright green top hat
rightfully restored to his head, that I stared at him for a minute, beaming.

I hooked the leather cord of the sword over my shoulder and kept the sword from
swinging around to hit Bob's other passengers. After I hoisted Cu back up, we continued on our
way. I certainly
felt
much better now that Cu had his bright green top hat and I had my
sword, not that the sword had ever done me any good at any time in my life. It just felt right.

We rode quickly since we were going downhill. Bob took us swiftly down the
mountainside to the meadow where we'd so recently spent the night. Nothing had come to kidnap
us that night, and nothing came to kidnap us this night either as we camped in the meadow. Men
and women from Amergin's hideout streamed past us through most of the night, but we were not
eaten, nor were we eaten slowly, so we felt pretty good in the morning. Bob even fell asleep
during his watch again but we still woke up alive and happy.

I did wake up in the middle of the night when I heard the raucous sounds of two people
happily humping in the grass just off to my right. All I could do was smile and let them get it on.
Cu deserved it anyway, if only for bringing me so far. I'd done pretty well in keeping
myself
alive, too.

The next day though, we took the promised detour into the woods to see Roger and his
gang of Goat People. We didn't even need to be kidnapped to find our way back; Bob had a great
memory for such things and found the unseen path back to the clearing of huts.

"She left," Roger said when I asked what happened to Crista. He was wearing the same
pink pants he'd had on when we first met him, but with a flashy silver lamé shirt this time.
He looked like a disco ball at an Easter parade, but that didn't make him know anymore than he
did.

"Why?" I said, not really surprised.

"Dunno," he said.

"Did she say anything?"

"Not to me," was Roger's answer.

"Did she say anything to anyone else?"

"Not to me," Roger said.

I slumped my shoulders. "Well, if you think of anything, let me know, huh?"

"Not to me," Roger said.

I went to join Cu and Fiacha, who were sitting in front of a group of shrieking and
shlooming Goat People. At the least, the Goat People lingo had not changed in the slightest in
the time we'd been away. Cu and Fiacha both looked entirely confused and I don't blame them.
The Goat People were gesturing and shlooming up a storm, but I began to wonder if they even
knew what they were saying to each other. I didn't bother to question them on this, but just sat
beside Cu. I wouldn't have understood the explanation anyway. "She's gone."

The Goat People continued their conversation as if I wasn't even there.

"Crista?" Cu said.

"Yeah, Crista. Who do you think I meant?"

"Who's Crista?" Fiacha said.

"A girl I know," I said.

Fiacha caught my eye and raised a well landscaped eyebrow. "Just a girl or
the
girl?"

"She might have been
the
girl," I said. "But I fucked up. I do stuff like
that."

Fiacha put a gentle hand over mine. "If she likes you, she'll be back."

I snorted in pure Bob fashion. "Won't do me any good. We aren't staying here."

Fiacha gave me her tenderest smile, and I understood why Cu liked her so much. She
was so pretty, for a Tuatha Dé. "Tell me about her."

So I did. I told her everything from the beginning, which was a story she actually had
never heard. I told her about getting mugged by Al and his buddy and getting knocked in the
head. I told her about my two week hiatus from the world, and of eating flour paste. I told her
about vomiting. Then I told her about seeing Cu for the first time in the park. I told her about
being dragged into Cu's tree. Then something occurred to me. "Hey, Cu?"

"Hey, Fractious?" he said back.

"You said there were only three portals into my world, right?"

"Into America anyway," Cu said, raising more questions in my head that I didn't have
time to ask.

"Okay, so one is in Watts. One is in Intercourse, Pennsylvania." Fiacha giggled when I
said this, for which I don't blame her since you can't blame anyone for giggling at that word, but
I ignored her to say, "How come the one in New York leads into your house?"

"That's just where it leads," Cu said.

"Into your house?"

"Into my house," Cu said. When he saw my curious expression, he sighed. "The
members of my family have been the guardians of that portal for centuries. Generations, even.
My great, great, great, great etc. grandpap didn't even know there was a portal there when he
built his house.
Nobody
knew there was a portal there. When he fell out into New York
one day after tripping over a fish, he realized that there was a portal in his house."

"Wait," I said, holding up a hand. "He tripped over a fish?"

"That's what he got for leaving it on the floor," Cu said. "But anyway, since the house
was already built, he took it upon himself to force the rest of his descendents to be the guardians
of the portal."

"But who's watching it now?" I felt seriously concerned for my world.

"Nobody," Cu said. "I locked the door on my way out."

"Oh," I said, relieved. "Good. But somebody pulled Crista into this world. Are you sure
you locked it?"

Cu thought for a moment. "That mighta been Ogma."

"What in the hell is an Ogma?"

"He comes to feed my cat," Cu told me. "He has a key and he likes to wander around
New York when I'm not there to stop him. He probably saw Crista in the park, fancied her and
brought her here. Though I have no idea how she got to Tara."

"Wait," I said, holding up a hand. "You have a cat?"

Cu laughed and shook his head. "I hate cats! Filthy buggers. Why would I have a
cat?"

I was baffled, and rightly so. "But you said Ogma comes to feed your cat."

"That's what he
thinks
he's doing. He puts out food for the cat, hangs out for a
bit then goes home."

I raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't he wonder why the cat food just keeps piling up and
nobody eats it?"

"Oh, it gets eaten," Cu said.

"By whom?" I said, intrigued.

"By Ogma, of course."

"Of course." I sighed. "Anyway, so the New York portal in your house comes out in
Sinatra Park. Where does the Watts portal come out at?"

"The portal to Watts comes out at a bus stop in the worst part of town."

"A bus stop?" I repeated, gulping. "In the
worst
part of town?"

"Yeah, where else would it be?"

I shrugged, not wanting to think about it. "And the one in Intercourse?"

"In a sexual therapist's office."

"Of course," I said.

"Of course," Cu echoed, grinning fit to split.

We had dinner with Roger and the Goat People. Once again we were surprised and very
thankful that we were not going to
be
dinner, but either way we were getting used to the
strange ways of Roger and friends. The Goat People cooked up a pig they'd killed somewhere in
the woods, which quite possibly might have been one of the things that would eat you slowly I
had been forewarned about, and they gave the whole pig to Cu, Fiacha and myself. Bob refused,
turning up his nose for a good hour until they brought him a lovely spread of wheat germ. He
gobbled that up then asked for more. Luckily, the Goat People also had a good supply of apples,
otherwise I was afraid Bob was going to pretend to starve, and Bob happens to be a pretty good
actor. But they did and he didn't, so it was a good night after all.

We slept soundly in different huts. Cu and Fiacha took a hut generously offered by a
couple of the Goat People, and the joyous sounds of their humping and thumping could be heard
all around the clearing. I bunked with Roger, which was a bad idea since he wanted to hear our
entire story, from beginning to end. I told him everything, starting at the very beginning with my
birth and ending with the two of us lying in our separate beds, me telling him our entire story.
Then he made me repeat the parts with him in it. Then he made me describe him in detail.
Then
I had to tell him again how we'd killed Amergin. THEN he made me repeat the
parts of the story with him in it. Then the sun rose.

Exhausted from telling tales and from complete lack of sleep, I staggered out into the
clearing to a good, hearty Goat People breakfast. When they served goat cheese, I didn't even
ask. Nor did I taste it, although Roger ate a whole block of it without even one question. He must
have been used to that kind of thing after spending so much time with the Goat People. At least
they didn't serve anything that had Roger's name in the title. So I just ate my cereal and milk
without another thought. When breakfast was over, Cu and I announced that we were
leaving.

"Just one dance!" Roger exclaimed, pleading and pouting.

"Okay," I said. "Just one."

I didn't know he meant with me.

While the Goat People pounded their drums and tooted their horns, shrieking and
shlooming to the beat, Roger spun me around in dizzying circles, making me feel like I was
about to lose my lunch, and I hadn't even had lunch yet. When the song was over, he patted my
butt, gave me a hug that I returned, while thinking about the time when he'd saved my life, and
said goodbye.

He seemed genuinely disappointed that we were leaving, but we knew we had to get
back to the king in Murias. As Cu, Fiacha and I mounted up on Bob and rode out of the clearing,
Roger waved like a princess and cried phony and highly dramatic tears.

When Roger and the Goat People were out of sight, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Not your type?" Cu said from behind me.

"No," I said. "He's cute, but he's not my type."

Cu laughed quietly while Bob picked his way down the invisible path and back to the
main trail that would take us back to Mac Gréine and the township of Murias. We
followed that path until I recognized the place where I'd gotten lost. I told Bob to turn down the
other trail. He knew the way. This had been the way to his home, after all, and he snorted his
excitement at seeing Lug, Lug's grandmap and Bobette, the other horse who'd been there at the
time when I'd first met Bob.

To my surprise, Lug was there. I hadn't really been expecting him, but as it turned out,
he had been waiting all this time for us. He still had my watch strapped around his skinny waist.
By the way it had chaffed away at the shirt he was wearing, leaving a bare spot around his
middle, I had the feeling that he hadn't yet taken it off, and I said as much.

When he saw his old friend, Bob, Lug pretended not to have heard me and said, "Hey,
old fella!"

Bob whinnied, snorted and stomped a foot, bending his nose to nuzzle Lug. Lug put his
little arms around Bob's nose and gave the horse a kiss.

"And hey to you guys, too."

Cu strode up to my old friend. "I'm Cu of the king's guard and this is Fiacha, my lady
friend."

Lug raised both his eyebrows at Fiacha and took her hand to kiss it, Gomez Addams
style, working his way up her arm, much to her delight and Cu's chagrin. Fiacha took it in stride
and moved away before Lug could reach her face, but Cu was fuming.

I realized I had to do something before Cu went ape shit and beat the crap out of Lug for
moving in on his girl.

"Where's your purple uniform shirt?" I said quickly.

"Oh, that?" Lug chuckled. "I traded it to a young woman who got lost here, oh, I'd say
about four days ago. Isn't that right, Grandmap?"

The old woman suddenly appeared from out of her home. She moved in just the way I
remembered, slow and determined, and her eyes were still that same foggy white. "Is that Guy I
see?" she said as she moved timidly towards me, unsure if it was really me because she couldn't
see for shit.

"You don't see me at all," I said.

"I do too!" she insisted, pointing her cane in my general direction.

"Oh yeah?" I said. "What color are my eyes?"

"Purple?" was her response.

"Wrong," I said with a smile she couldn't see. Then I picked her up and brought her as
close to my face as I could.

"Whoa there big boy!" she said, whistling as she did so. "You're damned tall!"

"Now what color are my eyes?"

She squinted and got as close to me as physics will allow. Her nose was right up against
my cheek. "Green?" she said.

"Correct!" I said before I carefully put her down.

"See, I can see you fine." She put her hands on her hips, with her cane sticking directly
out behind her, and stuck out her tongue. "Now, you want dinner?"

"That's okay," I said. "We just came by to return Bob."

"You got Bob with you?"

Bob snorted and nuzzled her with his nose. When he moved away, she was drippy and
soaked with snot. He snorted an apology.

"It's okay, buddy," Lug's grandmap said.

Bob turned his attention to Bobette, who gave him a sensual whinny. Then Bob looked
back at Cu and me. He gave a snort, neighed and stomped a foot, then neighed again.

"Really?" I said. "Are you sure?"

"You traded fair and square," Lug said. "Besides, we still have your ponies, and they're
pretty handy."

The two ponies were standing behind Bobette. I only noticed them when they stuck their
heads out from behind Bobette's legs.

"Hey, ponies," I said, waving.

They neighed in response. I wasn't too surprised to find that I didn't understand them
one bit.