Fractious (6 page)

"How come you get beef but I only get bread?" I said, getting to my feet.

"You have to ask?" Cu said.

"I just did so I guess so."

"'Cause giant idiots only get bread. Now pack up Fractious and let's get moving. Today
we'll probably reach the dragon's lair and I want to make sure we can pick up a sword."

My jaw struck the ground. "A sword?" I said. "What are we going to do with a
sword?"

"Fighting the dragon, of course," Cu said. "If it comes down to it."

"Who said anything about fighting a dragon?" I asked as Cu began to pack up the mule
himself, since I obviously wasn't going to do it. I was too absorbed in the idea of fighting a
dragon and wielding a sword and doing both at the same time, neither of which I'd ever done
before. "Nobody told me anything about a dragon. How come nobody told me anything about a
dragon?!"

Cu rolled his eyes as he tied the packs on the mule's back. Fractious the mule stood stalk
still, taking the abuse with only a waggle of his eyebrows. Finally, Cu decided to answer my
questions, but only after two hours had passed and we were deep into an elm forest.

"'Cause maybe he'll just let us pass by without incident," Cu said suddenly.

"Huh?" I had no idea what he was talking about.

"The dragon," Cu said. "You asked why no one had told you about the dragon."

"Dragon?" I muttered.

"Never mind"' Cu muttered back.

"No wait," I said, kicking my pony and pushing my feet on the ground to make him go
faster to catch up to Cu, who was up ahead on his pony, dragging the mule by his lead line. "Tell
me about the dragon."

Cu sucked his teeth. "He lives on a mountain top, a mountain top that we have to cross
to get to where we want to go."

"Where do we want to go?" I said.

"Do you want to hear about the dragon or not?" Cu yelled back at me.

I held up my hands. "Okay, I get it. Dragon. Go."

Cu went on. "The dragon lives on a mountain top--"

"You already said that." I dodged a swing of his bright green top hat.

He settled his bright green top hat back on his head and continued. "The dragon lives on
a mountain top, a mountain top that we have to cross to get to where we want to go."

I almost spoke, but bit my tongue to make myself stop.

Cu waited for my words but saw the blood dripping from my bit tongue and smiled.
"That's better. The dragon's about ten times your size. Massive with a long neck and big wings.
He can fly, but he's almost too fat for that. Maybe he's finally gained too much weight and can't
fly, which will give you an advantage. And he's got lots of teeth. Gotta watch out for those
teeth."

"Obviously," I whimpered, unable to stop myself.

Cu ignored me. "Now, the dragon will either let us pass without incident if we give him
the mule to snack on or he'll make us fight him until he's satisfied."

"Satisfied?" I whispered.

"Until either he's dead or you are."

"Wait!" I yelled, once again kicking my poor pony until he was abreast of Cu's. "Him or
me?"

"Yeah," Cu said. "Nobody's killed him yet, so it'll probably be you that ends up pushing
up marigolds."

"Why me?" And then I said, "Marigolds?"

Cu ignored the marigold comment. "Well, I obviously am not going to risk my life to get
past the damned dragon." He laughed raucously at my stupidity. "And if he kills you then he'll let
me
pass."

"So I get the sword, right?" I said.

Cu laughed some more. "No, I get the sword."

"How come I don't get the sword?"

"What do you need a sword for?"

My jaw dragged on the dirty ground. "To kill the dragon?"

"You can't kill him with a sword," Cu said, still laughing.

I was getting way tired of him laughing at me. I clenched my fists but composed myself
before I could begin beating him to death. "So," I began after a moment, "how do I kill the
dragon?"

"With your wit, of course!" Cu said, his laughter getting louder and full of more hilarity.
"How else do you kill a dragon?"

"Uh... With the sword?"

"Then how will we kill Amergin?"

"Uh... With the sword?"

"How will we do that if the sword is lodged in the dragon?"

"Uh..." was all I could come up with.

"See," Cu said, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. "Foolish Guy Fractious who
has the worst name ever. You know nothing of the ways of dragons."

"He's gonna eat me, isn't he?"

"Probably."

"Wait!" I yelled, throwing up my arms. "You can't feed Fractious the mule to a
dragon!"

"Oh, he won't mind," Cu said.

"He might," I said, finding I'd become kind of fond of that stupid mule who bore my
name.

Fractious the mule gave a quick bray, but that was only because Cu yanked on his lead
line as he kicked his pony to a trot.

I tottered along behind them, my pony kicking up his heels and me kicking my feet to
catch up. My pony purposefully ran beneath a low hanging branch in a pretty good attempt to
knock me off. His success only lasted a moment when I got up, dusted myself off and took a
couple of running steps to catch up to his little self. I vaulted over his back end like Zorro onto
Tornado and got myself seated again, my feet once more dragging on the ground. I felt I would
have been faster if I was walking, but I didn't want to make the pony feel bad or, even worse, feel
useless.

* * * *

Later in the day, we came to the base of a decent sized mountain range. I stood at the
bottom of a trail, looking up as it wound away deeper into the mountain. "We're gonna ride up
that?"

Cu was on his feet too, holding the reins of his pony. He was drinking from his wine
skin and making me jealous. "No, we're not riding," he said, wiping red wine droplets from his
chin, making me even more jealous. "We walk. It's too steep to ride the ponies. They can walk.
We'll need them when we get to the top."

"Where the dragon is," I said with a gulp.

"Shut up."

We began to lead our ponies up the trail, me following behind Cu and the mule. I began
to feel some sadness at the possible loss of Fractious the mule, but I thought it was better to lose
him then to have to give up my life to this dragon. Then again, that would probably make me
next in line to be the pack mule, which wouldn't be the highlight of my day.

The path wound around and around, sometimes narrowing to the point where rock walls
crowded us on two sides. Sometimes the rock walls would drop away and a steep cliff would
appear off to one side. I led my pony, who seemed indifferent to the varying surroundings.
Fractious the mule gave a snort each time the rock walls dropped off and cliffs appeared, but that
was the extent of his complaints. Cu said nothing and neither did his pony.

So I trailed along behind all of them, with my pony leading me as I hung onto his tail. I
watched carefully where I was putting my feet, lest I step wrong and end up slipping and
possibly falling off a cliff. It wasn't the most pleasant hike I'd ever done, but it wasn't the most
unpleasant either.

The most unpleasant was one where I'd lost my right shoe in a deep mud puddle and had
to walk around with only the left shoe. After a while I lost the left one in a pile of what I could
only assume was bear dung. At least this all occurred on the way back down a trail so I didn't
have to hike all the way to my destination without shoes. It was the longest and hardest walk
back from my girlfriend's house I've ever done.

I'll never date a woman from Sierra Madre ever again.

Any hoot, Cu and I walked for more hours than I cared to count. Finally we reached the
end of the path. It wasn't too bad of a hike after all except for the sheer cliffs, the occasional
vertigo and the threat of falling to my death. No big deal.

At the top of the mountain, at the end of the trail, we came to a large cave cut into the
side of the mountain itself. It led off into the darkness, deep into the rock, and I could only
assume that it came out the other side. Somewhere inside, also just an assumption, was a dragon
who was going to probably eat both me and Fractious the mule. I wasn't looking forward to
either meal.

"You coming?" Cu said as he began to venture inside.

"Have you ever been here before?" I said, tentatively following in his wake as he
disappeared into the darkness.

"No," Cu said. "Why would I have ever come here before?"

"Dunno," I muttered. "You seem to know where you're going."

"Do you see any other route?"

"No," I said as darkness swallowed me and my pony and I waited for the mountain's
stomach acids to begin digesting us all. "How are we going to find our way around in the
darkness?"

I got no response.

"Cu?" I said, then yelled, "Cu!" in a panic.

"What?" he hollered back, his voice echoing around me.

"Nothing," I said. "Just wanted to make sure you hadn't left me alone."

"Don't give me any ideas," Cu said with a chuckle. "But that's the best idea you've had
since I've met you."

I pouted, although he couldn't see me. Instead of trying to make a snide remark, I just
continued to walk along, keeping my pony's reins tight in my hand lest I lose the only link I had
to any living thing.

It only took a couple of minutes to come into the light. Surprised, I stood blinking
behind Fractious the mule, who had halted when we entered the lit chamber. On the walls there
were torches with fake bulbs that were flickering and made to look like firelight. I examined one
with curiosity, wondering just how anyone obtained electricity in this place. It was a bit weird
and unnerving.

I didn't get much time to think on it as Cu gave a huge yank on Fractious the mule's lead
line and the mule got going again. Once more I found myself following in his wake. He seemed
to know this place pretty well for never having been there.

I was really beginning to hate my lot in life as we walked along, finally coming out of
the cavern and back onto the pathway through the mountain. I didn't much like being a follower.
Not that I wanted to be the leader in this caper. It was bad enough that I was most likely going to
be fed to a dragon after said dragon had eaten Fractious the mule as a starter. Then I had a
sudden revelation.

"Uh... So where do we get the sword?"

"At the swordsmith," Cu said in his typical matter-of-fact tone, as if I should really
know all this already.

"Which is where...?"

"Round the bend," Cu said as we rounded the bend.

Around the bend, we came across a small grass hut that looked more like it belonged on
the beach of Tahiti rather than in the mountain passes of God-knew-where. Nemed. Ireland.
Loompaland. I wasn't exactly sure. Either way, this thatched hut did not belong there.

There was a small corral set up beside said hut with a small herd of goats corralled
within. The goats began to bleat, sounding mildly amused when they saw us coming up the
pathway. Their bleating alerted a man about half my size which made him almost twice the size
of Cu. Cu didn't seem to mind the size difference, for he went right up to the dude and extended
a hand.

"Good mornin'," Cu said.

To this day I still hear that said with an Irish accent, for some odd reason since Cu had
no accent to speak of.

"We've come to buy a sword."

"Good thing," the wizened old man said, "because that's all I have to sell."

I eyed the little dude. He looked to be at least a hundred years old, which, in this realm,
meant that he was probably about five hundred years old. But that was only my estimate. He was
about four feet high, with the same shaggy hair that everyone in this midget world seemed to
have, except his was stone gray. He had crinkly eyes and a droopy mustache that looked like it
belonged on the face of an old Chinese man. You know, the ones you see in really bad,
stereotypical kung fu movies? I had significant doubts about his sword making skills. Yet he
looked nice enough.

When he saw me, he frowned and squinted his eyes. "What the hell is this thing you've
brought with you?" His voice was all broken and hoarse but he sounded strong enough.

"Ain't you ever seen a mule before?" Cu said.

"Not the mule." The old man pointed at me. "That tall thing."

"Might as well be a mule," Cu muttered.

I took initiative and stepped forward, holding out my hand, which the old man shook
tentatively. It was like shaking the hand...er, fin...of a wet fish. "I'm Guy Fractious." I waited for
what was becoming the usual remark and was rewarded for my patience.

"What kind of fucked up name is that?"

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "I don't know. I didn't name myself."

"Whatever," the old man said. "Fuck it." He held up his knuckles, which he knocked
against mine.

The gray and wrinkly old man just watched, intrigued, as Cu whacked me for the
millionth time with that damned bright green top hat. And then he said, "So, do you need a sword
or what? I got better things to do than stand around here, watching you beat that giant with a top
hat, and a bright green one, besides."

Cu didn't answer, just followed behind the old man as he went into his hut.

* * * *

The hut was the size of King Mac Gréine's place back in the city of Murias. I
couldn't stand in it, but I could comfortably hunch over so that at least I was inside. The ponies
seemed content to stand tied to a nearby tree that might or might not have been a pine, and both
seemed happy to be cropping grasses. Fractious the mule was more interested in the goats than
anything else. He was probably trying to convince one of them about how divine it was to be a
sacrifice to a dragon and how one of them could take his place if they wanted. By the way they
were bleating, I assumed they weren't having any of the mule's lies.

Inside the hut, I sat cross legged on the dirt floor. I should never have doubted the old
man's skills at making swords because the room was full of them. There was a little hole in the
top of the hut that let out the smoke from his forge, which was glowing red hot. We'd apparently
interrupted him but he didn't seem to mind.