Fractious (8 page)

I slept for another hour or so before the light of dawn came creeping silently into the
cave. It struck me like a slap to the face and I jolted awake. I sat bolt upright and rubbed my
eyes. Cu was already awake and building another teepee beneath which he would start the
morning's fire.

"Good to see nothing ate you in the night," was Cu's good morning to me.

I blew out a breath and got to my feet, stretching out the night's stiffness, which I hadn't
done during my short waking to potty. "What's for breakfast?" I said. "Or let me guess. Bread for
me. Filet mignon for you."

"Funny," Cu said. He paused then pointed at me. "See, you are funny! All you have to
do is joke the dragon to death."

"I was serious," I said.

Cu pulled out a center cut filet mignon, stuck a sharp stick through it, and held it out
over the fire to cook.

I sat down beside the fire in a typical huff. To my surprise, Fractious the mule got up,
came to stand beside me then fell down on the ground in a perfect echo of my huffiness. I smiled
at him as he looked up at me with his great, brown eyes. Then I patted his head, rubbed his soft
ears and went back to my argument with Cu. "Where's my bread?" I said demandingly.

Cu held out a half loaf to me.

I took it and pulled off a piece, taking huge bites out of it. "Thank you," I said without a
hint of honest thanks in my voice.

We ate in silence, me watching him take slow, juicy bites out of his steak and me eating
my dry bread and drinking water from a goat skin canteen. I tried to show him up by drinking the
remainder of Tat's goat dung tea. That didn't seem to make any impression on him whatsoever,
so I gave the last few swallows to Fractious the mule, who still didn't care about the goat dung
flavor.

Once he saw I was done with my half loaf, Cu announced it was time to go. "And today
we'll reach the dragon," he added as he packed up Fractious the mule.

"Goody," was my response.

I strapped the sword onto my back and leaned backwards when I stood up. It was
heavier than Cu made it out to seem but I could manage. After fifteen minutes, I took off the
sword and hooked it on the pommel of my pony's saddle. He minded a whole lot less than I did
so I let him carry it.

The path through the mountains wound around and around. It felt like we were walking
all the way around the damned mountain instead of just over it. We might have been doing just
that, to tell the truth. I couldn't really be sure. Cu had gotten us lost once before, just after we left
the city of Murias, but he'd been pretty sure of himself since then. The rocky path stopped at a set
of steep stairs that were carved right into the granite.

"We're really going up those?" I said, while glancing back at my pony and
wondering.

"Yep," Cu said. He took the first couple of steps, dragging his pony behind him. The
pony didn't even really balk but began climbing, which didn't warrant all the pulling and
dragging Cu was doing. I think Cu just enjoyed pulling and dragging.

I followed suit, right behind Fractious the mule's big rump, but I did no pulling or
dragging. Fractious the mule's tail swished in my face as he went up step by step. I held back a
bit but my pony kept nudging my butt with his nose so I had to keep going. With Fractious the
mule's ass in my face and my pony behind me, I climbed up the steps without a thought to
anything but my safety until we reached the top.

At the top was the last thing I expected to see.

A lush green field spread before me. Two white mesh goals stood at either end of two
giant half circles drawn with white chalk. There was a small stadium-style seating area on the
opposite end, but there was nobody anywhere to be seen, seated or no.

"What the hell is this?" I said as I walked out onto the field with my pony in tow.

"Soccer field," Cu answered.

"I can see that," I said.

"Then why ask?"

"Why is it here?"

"So people can play soccer," Cu said.

"What people?"

"Oh, nobody lives here," he answered. "It's here just in case."

"Of course," I muttered. "So where's this dragon you keep telling me nothing
about?"

"He'll be around in a few minutes, I suspect," Cu said. "I'm sure he can smell you by
now."

A few minutes passed.

No dragon.

I waited patiently after venturing over to the little grandstand and taking a seat. The
seats were obviously made for people smaller than me. My knees were at my chin when I sat on
the bottom row. I didn't much care, just rested my chin where it apparently belonged and waited.
And waited.

And waited some more.

I got very good at waiting as the hours passed. Fractious the mule and I ran around in
circles for a while until the mule got tired and went to sit under the shade of a tree. He stared at
me and mocked me for a bit, trying to pass the time. I tried to teach Cu to play Tic-Tac-Toe, but
he wasn't getting the hang of it and it was getting really dull. I walked along the white chalk
lines, pretending I'd been pulled over by a cop and was being tested for drunkenness.

I would much rather have been back home being pulled over by a cop and being tested
for drunkenness then waiting for a dragon who seemed reluctant to show. Not that I wanted him
to show, since the plan was for him to eat me. And Fractious the mule. Neither of which sounded
very appetizing to me, but who am I to mock the taste buds of a dragon?

Said dragon made his appearance a couple of eons after we arrived. I heard the flap-flap
of giant wings and looked up. The dragon apparently wasn't too fat yet to fly for, to my genuine
surprise, it swooped down out of the sky and landed right in front of me.

He looked like any other dragon you'd see in a movie. Except for the pot belly, he was a
normal, healthy looking dragon. I reached for the sword, but I'd forgotten that I'd left it on the
grandstand. I went to get it while Cu made introductions.

"Hey, Balor," Cu said, waving in the most unafraid and friendly manner. "It's me
again."

The dragon gave a mighty laugh that sounded all too much like a roar to me. "Cu, my
man!" he said, holding out a large, scaled and clawed hand.

Cu went up and gave the clawed hand a high five. "How's it been?"

"I been waitin' for ya, bro!" the dragon said, clapping his hands together with a
thunderous bang. "What took ya so long?"

"Had to find another fool to bring over," Cu said. "This one is just a tad bit smarter than
the rest."

"Just a tad, eh?" the dragon, whose name apparently was Balor, said.

Cu held his forefinger and thumb a few centimeters apart for emphasis.

I got the picture.

"So," I said, strolling forward and awkwardly holding the sword out at this
not-so-ferocious dragon. The sword's pointy tip shook slightly. "What's a Balor?" I said,
trying to sound brave, yet failing quite miserably.

"That's my name, brother!" the dragon bellowed. He turned his head and I caught sight
of a disgusting eye. It was pussy and weeping yellow fluids, swollen and red around the
edges.

"Ew," was all I could muster.

"Call me Balor. 'cause of the eye, man. Pus is poison, son. King Balor had the same
kinda eye." He yelled all this, which was apparently how he said everything. "I's named after
King Balor, who slew King Nuada back in the Fomorian days."

"What's a Fomorian?"

The dragon stood tall over me. He was as big as a couple of small houses and his wings
were spread wide as he stood on his two hind legs, which also ended in clawed feet. His claws
were each as big as my hand. I didn't much like the look of them.

"What's a Fomorian?" he roared, laughing. "Dude, where'd you get this guy?"

Cu shrugged.

I drew back my lips in an attempt at a snarl, trying to look mean and evil, which I
wasn't. "So," I said less than ferociously, "I guess I'm here to slay you."

"Slay me?" the dragon said, pointing a clawed finger at his chest. "Slay me?" he
repeated. "You joking."

I couldn't help myself. "You sound like the Oogie Boogie Man from The Nightmare
before Christmas."

Balor looked to Cu and then back to me, then back to Cu again with a curious
expression on his long, scaled face. His drippy eye oozed. "Dude," he said to Cu, "you said he
was a tad smarter than the others. You lost your mind?"

Cu shrugged. "I said just a tad."

I hefted the sword so the point was right up against Balor's green midsection. The
dragon gave a mighty laugh. "You think you gonna slay me with that measly piece o' metal? You
jokin', boy! So, what's your name?"

"You'll just laugh at me," I said to him. "And not in a good way."

"Fine, no names then," Balor said. "You ready to use your funny bone?"

"I'm not very funny," I said. "But I know a couple of jokes. Ready?"

Balor sat back on his dragon haunches and clapped his hands together eagerly. His tail,
which ended in a spiky diamond, swished impatiently on the ground.

I cleared my throat. "Will you really die if I tell you a good joke?"

"No," Balor said.

"Will I really die if I can't tell a good joke?"

"Yep," Balor said. "Ain't no helpin' that. Just the way o' the world."

"So if I tell you a joke, you'll let us go past?"

"I'll let you pass."

My next sentence was directed at Cu. "Hey, Cu," I said. "How come we didn't just walk
past this place when it was unguarded? Before Balor with his pussy eye got here?"

Cu shrugged his shoulders. He was now seated in the perfect viewing area on the top
row of the mini-grandstand. The mule and the two ponies were seated beside him. "We could
have."

"So why didn't we?"

"It's more fun this way," Cu said. "Besides, you didn't mention that you didn't want to
meet with the dragon."

"Yes, I did!"

"Oh, yeah." Cu scratched his chin. "You did. I remember now."

"Hey, kiddo!" Balor yelled. "Get on with it! I wanna hear some jokes, son!"

"Okay," I said, giving him my full attention. "Here goes. Your mama is so old that she
remembers the Grand Canyon as a ditch."

"So?" Balor said. "What if she does?"

I didn't quite know how to respond to that so I tried again. "Okay, so have you ever seen
Stevie Wonder's wife?"

The dragon shook his head. "Nope."

"Well, neither has he."

"True," Balor said. "When you gonna get to the jokes, man?!"

"I'm doing the best I can," I mumbled to myself. And tried again. "A man walks into a
bar with a ham sandwich. He says to the bartender, 'A pint of beer for me and one for the ham
sandwich.' The bartender says, 'We don't serve food here.'"

"Don't get it," Balor said.

I tried to explain. "See, the guy wants beer for himself and for his sandwich. Bartender
says they don't
serve
food there."

"Don't make it funny," Balor said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Eddie Murphy you
ain't."

"Never claimed to be," I said. "You're gonna kill me, aren't you?"

"Probably." Balor made a continue gesture with his claws. "I'll give you a few more
tries."

"Can I borrow your face for a few days?" I said.

"Why?" Balor said.

"Because my ass is going on vacation."

"Oh, yeah?" Balor said. "To where?"

I cleared my throat. "Where do you find a mule with no legs?"

"Where?" said the dragon.

"Right where you left him."

The dragon gave a mighty sigh. "Okay, enough of your blubberin'. I'm ready to kill and
eat you now. Where's my mule snack?"

Fractious the mule could be seen out of the corner of my eye. He was silently backing
away from the grandstand, trying to hide behind a big tree. The dragon saw him anyway.

I suddenly had an idea. "Wait!" I called out.

Balor, who had spread his wings and was bunched up, ready to take off to catch
Fractious the mule, stopped mid leap.

"Give me one last try," I pleaded.

Balor snorted laughter. "After that mess? You ain't nothing but a stupid human."

"Stupid human I may be," I said, suddenly standing tall, "but I have something you'll
certainly laugh at."

Balor settled back onto the ground and looked at me with his good eye and his pussy
eye. "Shoot."

"My name..." I said, drawing out the words.

Balor's eyes grew big and one ridge above one eye raised in anticipation.

"Is Guy Fractious."

Balor snorted more laughter. "You serious?" he said, now sniggering.

"Totally serious," I said, trying not to smile.

"You jokin'," Balor said. "You gotta be jokin'!"

"No joke." Cu suddenly stepped to my side. "That's really his name."

Balor laughed and laughed. Smoke eventually began to stream out of his nose. He rolled
over onto his back, folding up his wings as he bawled with laughter. His good eye cried clear,
perfect tears like little diamonds. His poison eye dripped yellow pus and white liquid that looked
like glue--or something else I won't even begin to mention. But, despite the variation in his tears,
he continued to laugh until he sputtered and forced himself upright, wiping away the tears from
his face with a clawed hand.

"That is the funniest thing I ever heard," Balor said, sniffing. "I still don't hardly believe
it's true. Yo' mama really named you that?"

I nodded proudly.

"Whatcho middle name, bro?"

"You'll start laughing all over again," I said.

Balor made a come-on gesture with both his hands. "Come on, gimmee."

"Ready? Guy Alamode Fractious."

Balor gave a huge roaring laugh. "Alamode? Like 'A la mode,' right? Kiddin'? Please tell
me you kiddin'?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

Once again the dragon bellowed huge bellows of laughter, rolling about on the ground
and holding his belly as if it was fit to burst.

Cu yanked on my shirt to get my attention. "I think you won," he said.

I smiled down at him.