Fragile Bonds (23 page)

I look to Melanie and see the concern I feel mirrored back at me in her features. Even with a deeply furrowed brow and the corner of her lower lip drawn between her teeth, my breath catches at the sight of her. She’s always beautiful, but as Jacob just pointed out, this is the first time she’s spent the night in the same bed, and that somehow changes things. We all know it, but I’m most nervous about how Jacob thinks the relationship has changed.

“What does it mean, buddy?” I ask, settling him against my hip. Melanie leans down to place a chaste kiss on my lips as I take my breakfast from her.
We both look to Jacob to see if he saw the brief exchange, but he seems unphased. “You didn’t have to do this,” I whisper, my already wandering mind recalling memories of mornings when she used to bring breakfast into the bedroom, giving us both the fuel we needed for a day filled with sex and other darker activities.

"I know,” she responds sweetly. She pushes her way onto the bed and I’m sandwiched between two of the most important people in my life. I won’t admit that there’s still a piece of me wishing it was Alyssa pressed against my side. “I’m sorry, Jacob, were you saying something?”

“It’s nothing important,” he says with a wide grin. There’s something turning in his mind, but fear keeps me from trying to force him to speak. After our conversation last night and the bits and pieces of his talk with Melanie that I overheard this morning, I’m not ready to hear what he has to say. Just like his father, Jacob is filling the void left by Alyssa’s absence. Would he feel that same need if it was a different female in his life or is it because it’s Melanie that he has allowed himself to grow so attached? “Daddy, are you taking me to school this morning?”

I glance at the clock, seeing that it’s just after eight o’clock. I’m supposed to be meeting with Braydon in an hour to finalize the paperwork and discuss who is going to take on which responsibilities within the club. He had offered to let me take some time after leaving Infinity to spend the end of the summer with Jacob and Melanie, but I can’t do that. I need the stability and structure offered by having a job to go to every day. “Melanie, I hate to ask, but could you take him? I have to jump in the shower and then I have to meet up with Braydon.”

“Of course! You do what you have to do and I’ll take care of him.” Jacob starts giggling on my other side, causing both of us to stare at him. “What’s so funny over there?” Melanie asks, reaching across my body to tickle him.

My traitorous body stirs to life as her forearm brushes against my hips. I lift Jacob’s body off the bed so I can
make my escape without asking Melanie to move. If I face her, she’s going to know exactly what’s going through my mind right now.

“Okay, your dad is gone, so now you can tell me what’s got you so happy this morning,” I hear Melanie say as I close myself in the bathroom. I lean against the sheet of oak, straining to hear the conversation on the other side of the door.

“I’m happy because you stayed with us last night, silly!” There’s more giggling and I know they’re wrestling around on the bed. I’m beginning to regret telling Braydon I would meet up with him and contemplate calling to tell him I’ve reconsidered, but I can’t do that to him. His partner has already signed his part of the paperwork and skipped town, supposedly chasing after a woman he swears is his soul mate, and Braydon can’t handle everything at the club on his own.

“I’ve spent the night with you a lot of times. Why are you so happy about last night?” she asks innocently. She’s a smart woman, so I’m not sure how she hasn’t figured out that she just pulled the pin on a grenade.

“Because it means birthday wishes really do come true!” Even muffled by the door, I hear Melanie’s audible gasp as she begins to see where this conversation is headed.

“And what was your wish?” she asks, very tentatively. I reach for the door knob, ready to give up on the idea of showering so I’m there for the rest of this conversation. Even though she
can
handle just about anything Jacob throws her way, this feels like one of those times she needs both of us. I peek my head out the door and see her looking over Jacob’s body, shaking her head at me. I cock an eyebrow, silently asking if she’s sure and she nods. I close the door and continue eavesdropping. Knowing that she’s wants to have this uncomfortable conversation with him one-on-one means more than she’ll ever know. I might not have clarity of my own intentions when it comes to Melanie, but I have no doubt she truly loves my son and that’s what really matters.

“I wished that you could stay with us so I can have a mommy again,” he says matter-of-factly.
“I don’t have a mommy anymore and I think my daddy really likes you, and I do too, so I want you to be my new mommy.”

“Oh, baby,” she says so softly I can barely hear her. I can’t see what’s going on, but knowing what I do of Melanie, I have no doubt she’s cradling my son in her arms, giving him every ounce of love he deserves. “I love you so, so much. We’ve talked about how your mommy will always be yours, right?”

“Yeah, but I want a mommy I can see and you told me I can’t see her anymore.” The sadness in his voice suffocates every bit of joy he possessed earlier. “And you stayed last night, so you’re my mommy that I
can
see.”

“Well, we can talk more about that later, but I’m honored that you want me to be your bonus mom.” They both go quiet and I fill the sink so I can shave. I’m going to have to hurry because now I have to talk to Mel before she leaves. I can’t have this hanging between us. Even if Jacob is ready to welcome her into his life permanently, I’m not. I love her and can’t imagine not having her in my life, but I’m not ready for that level of commitment. Not until I know that I can be the man she deserves.

I’ll never understand how Melanie can get Jacob ready and out the door in less than ten minutes. I wasn’t in the bathroom any longer than that, but by the time I walked out, wrapped in nothing but a towel, the apartment was empty. The only exception being Brody, who seemed none to
o pleased to have been left behind. Knowing her, she knew there was going to be a discussion coming and didn’t want to get into it when we’re both in a hurry to get somewhere. That’s one of the many ways she’s far more sensible than I am, but it does nothing for the fact that I can’t stop wondering what she thinks of Jacob’s little comment this morning.

“Dude, you going to get your head in the game sometime?” Braydon asks, annoyed by my wandering mind. “Everything okay at home? You’re really distracted this morning. Please tell me you didn’t manage to piss her off last night after I left.”

I can’t get too upset at his assumption seeing as most of the time, I am the one who screws up. It’s an affliction I’ve lived with for years, thanks to me being too much of a control freak to go along with whatever comes my way. Melanie and Alyssa are both prime examples of how I’ve fucked up the good things in my life. How I managed to come across not one, but two women in my life who are able to see past my sometimes pigheaded ways is beyond me.

“No, I didn’t,” I grumble. I need to talk to Braydon about what Jacob said, but I’m not looking forward to it. He’s turned into this super cheerleader, pushing for
Melanie and me to figure out our issues so we can live happily ever after, starting as soon as possible. He’s probably going to be ecstatic that Jacob is fighting on his side. “Jacob said something this morning and I’m worried it’s going to send Melanie running. I was hoping to talk to her about it, but she was gone by the time I got out of the shower and I had to come over here.”

“Need me to grab little man from daycare this afternoon and take him somewhere for a while tonight? Maybe he’d like to go to the batting cage and then pizza and a movie with his favorite uncle.” Braydon kicks back in his chair, resting his bare feet on the oak desk top. Apparently, Monday is the casual day around here since Artemis isn’t open on Mondays and it’s a day to catch up on business.

“I don’t know,” I say nervously. Before Alyssa died, I thought I would have jumped at any chance to have someone else take care of Jacob for a night because I was the epitome of a detached parent. But now, I can’t imagine not being able to look in on him in the middle of the night, just to remind myself that the past five and a half years weren’t a bizarre dream. I’m far from father of the year material, but I’ve come to live for every minute I can spend with Jacob.

“He has school tomorrow morning and I should probably talk to him about what he said, too.” Braydon cocks his head to the side, confused about what a
five-year-old could have said that has me this worked up.

“Okay, I think we need to back up for a minute. Did he insult her or something? Tell her she’s not his mom?” Both would be logical reasons for me to be upset, but all I can do is laugh at how close he is while completely missing the mark.

“Nope, he told her that she’s his birthday wish,” I say, not able to get his exact words to pass my lips. I know he’s too young to realize that plenty of kids wind up living with only one parent, and not all of those see their other parents. When it comes right down to it, him asking Melanie to be his new mommy cut me deeply and I’m freaking out inside because I don’t know if it’s because he misses Alyssa or because he feels like I’m not enough for him.

“Either I need to grab another cup of coffee or you need to quit talking in riddles,” Braydon says, dropping his feet to the floor so he can lean in closer to me. “Because right now, you’re not making any fucking sense to me.”

“He caught her sleeping in my bed this morning and that has him thinking she’s now going to be his mom,” I say in a rush before I can chicken out of telling him everything he needs to know to have some clarity.

Braydon shakes his head in disbelief, staring at me with his mouth hanging open.
He reaches across his body, rubbing a knot out of his shoulder while assessing me the entire time. “Could you warn me before you lob that much shit at me in one sentence?” he asks, scratching his head.

“We’ll loop back to that whole Mel was in your bed thing later,” he says sarcastically. “What do
you
think about her being a mother-figure to Jacob? Are you really worried that it’s going to send her running or do you already have your shoes laced up, ready to head for the hills?”

There’s no easy answer to this question. There’s no
right
answer, either, I’m afraid. Am I scared? Shitless. For the past two hours, I’ve been replaying their conversation, trying to convince myself that he didn’t mean anything by his words. In many ways, Melanie is a mother to him; she helps take care of him every day, she’s there for most meals, she’s at my place for bedtime, and more than once, I’ve had to call her in the middle of the night to come and calm him down when he’s having a nightmare. In his young mind, that
is
a parent. Maybe it’s the adults who are putting too much weight into his words.

“A little bit of both, I suppose,” I admit with a shrug. “I can’t expect her to want to stick around for this instant family situation. It would be weird for any woman, but how can I expect her to want to raise the child I shared with the woman who came after her? And what type of asshole am I that I’m even considering this less than six months after Al died. It’s too soon.”

“Normally, I think I would agree with you. But there is nothing normal about this situation,” my older brother reassures me. “First, Alyssa knew about your history with Mel and gave you her blessing.”

“But did she? I mean, she said she wanted us to stay in touch and she wanted me to not push Mel away, but that doesn’t mean Alyssa expected me to invite her into my bed. She was an understanding woman when she wasn’t ready to kill someone, but even she wasn’t that understanding.”

The deeper I feel myself falling for Mel, the more I think about the words Alyssa said before she passed away. Not once did she give us the green light to fall back into what we had years ago. Knowing how she felt about Melanie before she got to know her, I have a hard time believing she could have ever gotten to the point where she didn’t harbor at least a bit of anger toward the woman I spent so much time comparing her to.

Hell, making comparisons would have been an improvement. When Jacob was about three months old and it became apparent to both of us that we were going to find a way to be good co-parents to him, even if it meant living as roommates, I flipped shit when she suggested buying new dishes. Melanie and I had picked out the square black
stoneware set when we moved in and I wasn’t ready to get rid of it. Eventually, I caved on some of the smaller things, but anything I selected specifically for Melanie had to stay and Alyssa had to live with that knowledge.

By the time
I started to feel anything for Alyssa, she had given up the fight. If I’m being honest, it was one of the few acts of submission her stubborn spirit ever showed and I think that’s what opened my eyes to what I had in her. She was willing to do whatever she needed to at that point to make me happy, even if it meant living in another woman’s home. And then she got sick.

“Dude, I’m pretty sure that knowing you’re going to die changes a lot of things. It’s not like the two of you were getting a divorce.” Acid rises in my throat with his words. This is apparently going to be one of those brutally honest moments between the two of us. “With a few exceptions, Alyssa was one of the most observant women I knew. And even if she was dumb as a post, it’s pretty much impossible to not feel the chemistry that radiates between you and Mel. Telling you two to be together was her way of making sure that someone she knew and trusted would be the one stepping in once she was gone.”

“I’m not sure about that, but I really can’t fight about it. It’s too fucking much today, on top of everything else. So, let’s pretend for a minute that I agree with you on that point. That doesn’t change the fact that Melanie didn’t ask for this.” It’s not even noon, but I’m seriously considering jogging down the stairs to grab a bottle of whiskey from behind the bar.

“Man, for being the smart one, you really are fucking dumb, aren’t you?” Braydon laughs. “You think she didn’t know what hooking up with you meant? I’m pretty sure you didn’t hide the fact that you had a son from her.”

I slump back in my chair, defenseless. Every issue I’ve created in my mind, my brother has effectively shut down. It’s looking more and more like this is a bigger problem in my head than it is in reality.

“And now that I can see I’ve gotten through to you, what’s this about Melanie spending the night? That’s a big step for you.” The mischievous glint in his eye hints at a much more eventful evening than we had.

“She
slept
in my bed, Braydon, that’s it. I asked her to stay because I was having a rough night and thought Jacob might have a bad night because of some things he said before he fell asleep. That’s it.”

“Maybe you need to screw her, see if that improves how testy you’ve been lately.”

And that, right there, is another huge problem. I
want
to take that step more than I should. If I could stop worrying about how it’s going to seem to everyone else that I’m with someone so soon after my wife died, we probably would have had sex a while ago. It’s not that we’re more of a couple if we have sex or less if we don’t, but I’m stuck in this odd state of limbo right now. My need for Melanie is at war with my devotion to my dead wife and consummating our relationship while I’m this conflicted feels wrong.

“Take the rest of the day off. I’ll pick up Jacob so you two can talk this shit out. I’ll swing by while you take her out for a nice dinner and grab clothes for my buddy. And don’t worry, I’ll get him to daycare in the morning. It would suck if he was labeled a delinquent before he even starts public school,” Braydon laughs as he stands to come around to the front of the desk. “And seriously, think about what I said. You and Mel are good together. I think it’s time for you to rip off the band
aid and show her that she’s the one you’re thinking about.”

“Thanks,” I say sincerely. There’s no point arguing with him because we both know he’s right. And we both know that if he doesn’t push me, I’ll keep being this person I barely recognize, refusing to go after what I want in life because I’m allowing a dead woman to dictate my every move.

“I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is,” Tyler says as we sit at the edge of the pool. Lucky for me, he had a light work day and decided to take the afternoon to spend some much needed time playing amateur shrink to me. We’ve been trying to spend a bit more time together in the past few months and it’s made me realize I hung onto the wrong friend from our little trio for too many years. “Now that I see how much different Xavier is compared to how he used to be, I think he’s almost as good for you as you are for him. And everyone already thinks you’re Jacob’s mom.”

“And that’s the problem,” I screech, turning on my side so I’m facing him. “I can’t be his mom. Even if she’s dead, he has a mother. I don’t want all of our neighbors talking about our strange arrangement and the poor boy whose mom and dad live in two different buildings.”

“So move in with him. Problem solved!” Tyler grabs my cup, refilling it with half-melted margarita slush. I’m not normally a drinker, especially not during the day, but this seemed to be a good reason to make an exception.