Authors: Kristin Elizabeth Clark
without even untying it
grab my bag
push open the gym door.
Bad idea to
be in the locker room
when Rudy and Gil come out.
Rudy gets to me on the mat anyway.
Reaches into his bag of illegal tricks
to make wrestling really hurt.
Coach looks away.
And as I'm getting crunched into the mat,
and to be honest, half hoping
to get injured so I don't have
to wrestle at finals next week,
it hits me hard as Rudy's fists
that I DON'T have to.
My six-term commitment was up last year.
I'm quitting.
No Idea What I'm Going to Say
I don't bother
going into the locker room.
I wait for everyone to leave.
Vanessa doesn't look my way
before she heads out.
My guts are
on fire
but it will
all be over soon.
Door to the office is open.
“Coach?”
Voice wavers.
I'm ready to run
if I have to.
He looks up from his desk.
Brave Larissa steps in.
“I quit.”
Even Predictable Explosions Are Scary
“Letting down the team.”
“Not living up to commitment.”
The steam coming out
of the volcano.
I stand my ground
but my toes twitch
ready to take off.
Behind Coach's eyes heat builds
until hot lava oozes words like “asshole,”
and phrases like “shit-for-brains”
but before they
cover me
I realize
I don't have to listen;
I'm not on his team.
I back up.
He really looks
a little crazy.
I walk away
fast with the sound of
“Yeah, walk away from me,
you little queer” echoing in my ears.
The halls are empty.
I know
tomorrow
they'll be
filled with
staring eyes
flapping tongues
pointing fingers.
Still, my pounding heart
slows, quiets.
I've always hated Coach,
I've always hated wrestling,
and if a school doesn't want me
because it finds out I quit before
the end of the season,
then
I hate that school, too.
Before Econ the Next Day
Lillian Bruner is
talking to Vincent Lindow,
her male counterpart
in the drama department.
She sees me, gets up.
            “Here, take my seat!”
She smiles.
            “I was leaving anyway.”
And just before she turns
I see her
give him a wink.
He leans toward me
like we share a secret.
            “God, she's obvious!”
            he says.
I feel stupid.
“About what?”
            “Little Miss Matchmaker.”
Huh?
            “She's always trying
            to set me up with people.”
“But I have a girlfriend,”
I say, and it sounds stupid
especially since
very soonâ
once Vanessa hearsâ
I might not.
            “I know, I know.” He waves a hand.
I notice he wears three watches.
            “Lil's obviously decided
            you're my type though.”
(Vanessa)
Flannigan Stops Me
on my way to conditioning.
                          “I'm sorry,” he says.
“For what?”
                          “Your boyfriend's a fagâ
                          he quit wrestling.”
“Shut up, Flannigan.”
He's always saying stupid things.
                          “If I'm lying, I'm dying!
                          And Andy says he
                          caught him in a bra!”
I stop walking.
A hot white flash
curls my heart.
I don't know what happened
between them but
that's a shitty thing to say.
Julie and Tanya aren't my friends anymore,
but at least they don't make up lies about me.
“You believe that?” I ask.
            “Wellâthere IS something about him.”
“Shut up,” I say.
“Trust me, he's all man.”
            “Maybe you're just a cover.”
“Screw you, Flannigan!”
I'm so pissed I want to kill Andy,
who knows Brendan gets depressed
and spreads devastating lies anyway.
What a dick!
I'm sick for Brendan,
I need to go find himâ
ditch wrestling
for the first time ever.
I'm headed out the door
when it hits me
that he quit wrestling
but didn't bother to tell me.
He's dumping me for sure.
(BRENDAN)
Vanessa's Car Idles Near the Bus Stop
                        “Drive you home?”
I nod.
                        “We need to talk.”
A stone to my
solar plexus.
But she's right.
There's no way
she hasn't heard.
And there's no way
I can lie my way out.
I'm going to have to say it
and it's going to be real.
The buzz in my head
makes me
weak-kneed
stepping into her car.
(Vanessa)
You Know That Feeling of Falling
you sometimes get
when you're asleep?
Your whole body limp, heavy,
and you're tumbling off
a cliff and there's a thud
that makes you open your eyes?
Hearing your boyfriend
tell you he wants to be a girl
is the same sensation,
with no thud at the bottom
to wake you up.
There's Always a Choice?
I had a choice and
I chose Brendan.
Chose to ditch
my friends.
You choose to get up
in the morning
or choose to lie in bed.
You choose what to wear
and how to present yourself.
I can choose how
to respond to him
but I can't choose
how I feel about
what he chooses
to share with me.
So I choose to
take him home
but I choose not
to kiss him good night.
I Drive Home Numb
and stay that way
until I'm setting my alarm
and I realize tomorrow's
the fifteenth.
Then I'm madder than I've ever been.
Was he only pretending
to love me?
Was breakfast
in bed a lie?
Was sex with me
just a sick experiment?
And besides mad, I feel
used
helpless
weak.
I'm not used to feeling like a loser
and even when I've lost a match
I've always had comfort
knowing chances were
I'd prevail next time.
But how do you win
against something
like this?
If he knocks
on my window
tomorrow morning
I'm pushing him
out of the tree.
(BRENDAN)
All Vanessa Said
when I came clean was
“I see,” and I wanted
to beg her for more words
but I was scared they'd hurt.
She drove me home
without saying anything else.
“See you tomorrow?” She nodded.
But that could mean anything.
And just the thought
of tomorrow, another day
of this so-called life,
exhausts me.
I go to bed tired of confusion
tired of being so alone.
No Vanessa, no Angel, no Andy.
Now I'm really alone
and I'll be this way for
the rest of my life.
No one will ever want to be
with the person who lives
in this body â¦
Not Me
With that insidious sensation
I'm in the wrong skin
slicing through my spirit,
though   Â
s o m e t i m e s
it's muffledâ
whispers almost heard
in that dark and murky season
when the last light is   Â
d y i n g
.
Who could love this soul?
Anyone normal or
right-thinking   Â
wouldn't
.
Vanessa used to tell
me to stop being so down.
Whatever will be will   Â
b e
.
Easy enough for her.
No doubt about it,
she's got her gender straight.
I don't and that's   Â
b a d
.
(Angel)
Surprise! Happy Birthday!!!!
For once in my life I am speechless.
Can't think of a thing to say.
Denai's holding a birthday cake,
Marcus has a wrapped box,
there's more presents
on the kitchen table.
Gennifer says,
          “Girl, you better shut your mouth
          if you don't want flies in there!”
I can't help it
or the tears that sprout,
stream, and don't want to stop.
Of all God's blessings
these friends are
the most important to me.
Marcus comes forward, kisses me.
        “Baby, it's okay.”
And I smile even though I know
my mascara's running.
Three Years Ago Today
Cake, champagne, roses, chocolate
were the farthest things from my mind,
I tell you.
It didn't matter
it was my birthday.
I was workin' it hard
on the boulevard
tired and dirty.
A Chevy pulled up
baseball cap,
sunglasses,
Western button-down shirt.
“You wanna party?”
He wasn't my first trick
far from it in fact
and I ignored the tingling
at the roots of my hair.
(My advice? Girl, don't ever
let things get so bad you ignore
tingling at the roots of your hair
unless you wanna find out how
much worse they can get.)
Driving inland
nerves really
kicked in.
Baseball Cap
finally stopped the car
at a deserted business park.
Beer
belly
belt
buckle.
Throat too dry
to work
up the spit
I needed.
Still he got
what he was there for
and afterward
grabbed my crotch.
“I knew it!”
Slammed my
head against the dashboard
so hard my world