Free Fall (20 page)

Clutching her bag, she walked over to her tennis shoes on the floor by the door. She slipped them on and left the apartment, hoping the mini mart on the corner had a pregnancy test.

An hour later she sat on the toilet, willing herself to pee in a Bakelite coffee cup. Her bladder was not cooperating. She reached over and turned the water on. A full minute later, she finally started trickling into the cup. She quickly wiped herself and picked up one of two different pregnancy tests on the counter. The mini mart did have a pregnancy test, but the expiration date on the box said it was two months too old. Nina pointed this out to the clerk behind the counter, but the woman had just shrugged at her. So, Nina walked five more blocks to the QFC and bought a First Response and a Clear Blue Easy. It was dusk by the time she got back and she could hear people setting off fireworks. She unwrapped the Clear Blue Easy stick and held it in the cup for twenty seconds as instructed. Then she set it on the counter and stood in her underwear with her shorts down around her ankles looking at her watch. At three minutes the hourglass in the little window on the stick had turned into the word ‘pregnant’.

"Nooo," Nina breathed. She ripped into the other package and quickly followed the same instructions that were on the first test. This time the stick turned into two pink lines for pregnant.

Nina listlessly pulled up her shorts. She walked slowly to her bedroom and sat cross legged in the middle of her bed. Tears started in her eyes and she hugged herself, her chest locking up so tight that she couldn’t breathe for several moments. She sat there rocking back and forth until the wave of wretchedness passed and she gasped for breath. "Joseph," she whimpered. "Oh, God! Why did you do this to me?" She lay down in a fetal position and cried hard for the first time since she'd left LA. Outside she could hear fireworks as the people of Seattle celebrated the Fourth of July.

"I’d say you’re about nine weeks along." The doctor confirmed after the examination. Nina had gotten a referral from her primary doctor and had gone straight to an obstetrician two days later. They had taken her blood and another urine sample, and there was no doubt about it now. She must have conceived right before Joseph left Seattle. She'd been pregnant the whole time in Los Angeles. She was pregnant now! The idea flitted around in her brain, unable to take hold as a cold, hard fact. The doctor was speaking, calculating her due date on January twenty first.

"Great way to start out the New Year," Doctor Moss said cheerfully. Nina just stared at him. "What is the percentage of women who get pregnant while on the pill?" She asked, feeling as if she’d been betrayed by whatever pharmaceutical company had manufactured the drug.

"About one in one hundred," he added in a gentler tone, "that’s why it says ninety-nine percent effective on the package insert."

"Would there be any harm to the uh, fetus since I kept taking the pills after I conceived? And I drank alcohol. Would that cause any damage?"

"There shouldn’t be any problem. You are a little late in the game, and there is a small chance of the risks being greater, but you’re perfectly healthy so we’ll schedule you for monthly exams to see how your pregnancy progresses. I’ll start you on prenatal vitamins, and the nurse has a packet for you with a book on pregnancy, infant care, and other information you’ll need for the next seven months or so. I’ll also schedule an ultrasound so you we can see the position of the fetus and get its heart rate."

"Alright," Nina said.

After the doctor left, Nina got out of the paper dress and put her clothes on. The nurse came in and handed her a fat packet, a prescription slip, and a paper with an appointment for an ultrasound scheduled the next week. She left the office and sat down on a bench outside the building, thinking. The sun was blazing and the breeze carried the aroma of someone's cigar smoke not far away.

Three choices were appearing in front of her blinking like exit signs on a roadway. Keep the baby. She had the resources, but would be terribly tied down. Her whole life would change drastically. She tried to imagine a future with a child. Cribs and car seats, schools and babysitters. What if the baby is a boy and looks just like Joseph? What if it’s a girl and looks like Laura? On second thought the kid could look like her side of the family. Family. She would be a single mother. If she did keep it, should she tell Joseph? Yes. She couldn’t and wouldn’t keep that information from him because that would deny the child the possibility of a father. If Joseph wanted to take part, he would be a constant in the baby’s life, like a divorced couple. Should she tell him and see if they could work things out? She still loved him, would probably always love him, but her estimation of him had faltered. She would never be able to trust him, and she would be putting herself into the position of someone duped. Sure, go mess around on me, I’m so stupid and infatuated I’ll just take you back. If she forgave him, it would give him permission to do it again. And he'd have an abundance of opportunities to do so. She didn’t think she could live with that. No, she couldn’t take Joseph back.

She could have the baby and give it up for adoption. Then she would spend the rest of her life wondering about it. That also seemed too much to bear. Well, she had the next seven months to think about that one.

The third choice stayed in the shadows. Every time she tried to bring the thought to the surface of her mind it stayed hidden, and refused to become fully formed. At that moment, she felt a stir of excitement. Something as deeply ingrained as natural human instinct. She would have this baby. This child would be her true love. She'd take back control of her life and no one was going to stand in her way.

The next weeks went by with Nina holding her secret close. She finished the bathroom, but held off on the rest of the renovation. She had a plan that, after the baby was born, she would put the apartment up for sale and find a bigger place. She would need an extra bedroom, probably a small house with a yard. She searched the real estate ads to see what was available and browsed the Internet, discovering the large world of baby and toddler accoutrements. She held off on buying anything, knowing that she should wait six months to confirm that she’d carry the baby to term. But it was fun, looking and thinking and planning. The longer she stayed pregnant the more excited she became.

At the four-month mark, Nina decided it was time to tell everyone. But first she needed to have a one-on-one conversation with her best friend. She invited Trish over and told her the real reason she'd left LA. She apologized for neglecting her the last two months and explained that she'd wanted the time alone to figure things out.

"I thought you were mad at me," Trish said. "I thought you blamed me for telling you to go for Joseph and that you left LA because I told you it was best. I was being selfish when I told you to come home. I've had you all to myself for so long and when I saw you with Joseph I was afraid of losing you. Nina, I am so sorry! You poor baby! Have you spoken to Joseph at all?"

"No, I haven’t." She'd seen Joseph’s number on her caller ID a couple of times, but obviously he was respecting her wishes and leaving her alone. "But, speaking of ‘baby’…" She held out her hands in front of her belly.

Trish stared at her. "What? No way! Nina! Oh, my God!" She jumped up and hugged Nina. "That's fantastic!"

"Really? I didn’t think you would approve." Nina was totally surprised at her friend’s reaction. Just goes to show how well you really know someone.

"You’re going to keep it, then?"

Nina smiled and nodded. "I’m due January twenty first."

Trish let out a whoop and clapped her hands. "I'm going to be an aunt! Can we go shopping for maternity clothes? Let me help you set things up. Oh my God!" she said again. "I’m so happy for you, Nina."

"Thank you, Trish. I can’t tell you how glad I am. I really need your support right now."

"You got it! So, what about the baby daddy? I mean Mr. Walker? Are you going to tell him?"

"Yes, but I thought I would wait a little longer. If I tell him now and I don’t carry the baby to term, it’ll just be an extra added heartache to deal with."

"Of course," Trish said. "But, everything’s okay, right? I mean, now that I look at you, I do see a little baby bump. You little imp! Keeping this to yourself all this time." She looked at her friend with new respect.

"Yes, I’m fine. I’ve only had a couple of episodes of morning sickness. Otherwise I feel great. I’ve been eating everything in sight! The baby is developing fine. I’ve heard the heartbeat and it’s a strong one."

"Do you know what it is? I hope it’s a girl. Have you seen the adorable baby clothes they have now? I wish they had those kinds of clothes in grown up sizes."

"I’ve decided to let it be a surprise." Nina replied. "There are so few really great surprises in life and this one is going to the best one ever! Let’s go get some lunch. I have an absolute craving for the Cheesecake Factory."

At almost five months pregnant Nina was glowing. She wore maternity clothes now, and reveled in the roomy, comfortable garments with soft fabrics, beautiful styles and colors. Luke and her stepfather were a little shocked at the news when she told them at dinner three weeks ago. But, they realized that she had thought things through, had made all the arrangements, and was totally prepared to be a new mother. They were happy for her and looked forward to being uncle and grandpa respectively. Her people at the club treated her protectively and she knew that they got a kick out of having a pregnant bartender and singer working with them.

Her life had become a full routine. Four days a week she attended pregnant yoga class; she quit smoking, she ate healthily, took her prenatal vitamins, and read books on pregnancy and childbirth. Most mornings she worked on her novel, her mind blossoming with ideas, her body flowing with emotion caused by hormones. Tuesday through Saturday nights, she was at the club. Sundays and Mondays, she usually spent with her friends and family, or in bed watching movies. She was happy as an expectant mother. The only thing that clouded her mind was the thought of Joseph. Not only did she carry his baby, she imagined she was still sharing her life with him. He was the observer looking over her shoulder, approving or disapproving everything she did. She was beside herself in anticipation for the day when she would tell him her news.

One evening, she called a number given to her over a year before when she'd had an after-hours party at her apartment. A local Seattle executive had fallen in love with the place. He'd claimed it was a perfect location for him, and if she ever wanted to sell, to give him a call. It was a long shot after all this time, but if Nina could unload this place that easily she had to give it a try. She waited for his voice mail and left a message.

"Hi, this is Nina Foster. I work at the Live Wire in Seattle. I hope you remember me. We met at a party in my apartment last year on St Patrick’s Day? You gave me your card and told me to call if I ever wanted to sell. Anyway, I’m putting it on the market and I thought I would give you first dibs. Call me back right away if you’re still interested."

She set the phone on the bedside table, reached for the TV remote right next to it and accidentally knocked it off into the crack between the bed and the table. When she got down on her knees to get it she saw a black rectangle on the floor near the headboard underneath the bed. She got a broom from the utility closet to reach under and scrape the thing out. A cell phone. The one Joseph had bought her. It must have fallen out when she was unpacking and had laid there all this time. Was it still active? She got her suitcases out of her closet and went through all the pockets and compartments hoping to find the charger. No such luck. Turning on her computer, she Googled the nearest Radio Shack and then went to get her car. At the electronics store, she chose a car charger for the phone, and then went back to her car and plugged it into the cigarette lighter. She waited to see if she still had service. Was he still paying for it?

The phone lit up and she felt her heart skip a beat when she discovered that he had. She had three missed calls and one text message. She selected the text icon on the screen and saw Josephs name with a little heart symbol next to it and a text message, dated two months ago.

"Please keep this phone! Call me if you ever need me. I love you."

Nina felt a lump in her throat, realizing at this, the first communication since they had parted, how badly she missed him. She sighed. I’ll be calling him all right, she thought dubiously. She opened the missed calls and saw two from Joseph and one from an unknown number in Los Angeles that was placed a week after she left. That might have been him calling from another number, she thought.

She drove home and left the phone inside the console to charge overnight. The next morning she sat down at her dining room table to prepare herself for the call she had to make. On impulse she pressed call on the unknown number. Was it from Joseph? Or did Karen find out her number? A man answered on the other end.

"This is Nina. You called my cell phone a few months ago." Nina said.

"Nina?" the man, whose voice she didn’t recognize, said "Oh… Nina!"

"Who is this?" Nina asked.

There was no response for a long time and Nina was beginning to think he had hung up when he said, "Shit, girl. I’m," he paused again. "I’m an acquaintance of Karen Clarks."