Freeing Carter (39 page)

It
'
s full though. That means she
'
s not drinking. It could have been there for weeks. Since before. Maybe she even forgot it was there.

The suit hits the floor as I drop in bed in my boxers. I didn
'
t get my night tonight and so I
'
m going to try and salvage some of it now. I
'
m tired of worrying about everyone else. I
'
m not going to think about that unopened bottle. I have a date with my girl
,
and I want to enjoy it. Picking up the phone
,
I dial.

Kira picks up on the first ring.
"
So what are you wearing?
"
I tease. She laughs.

Finally
,
it
'
s just us.

***

It
'
s hard to look at Travis the same way when we see each other at school. The guy inside me without an alcoholic for a Mom knows it shouldn
'
t be this weird. I mean
,
I hate what happened
,
but it
'
s not like half the people in my school haven
'
t been drunk before. A lot of them have probably puked before
,
too. It doesn
'
t make them alcoholics. Travis is just trying to deal
,
just like Mom.

Still
,
things are different
,
even though it makes me a jerk for feeling that way. I need to talk to him about his parents. Help him get his head on straight and see what we saw that night
,
but right now
,
I can
'
t. I
'
m tired
.
So
tired of dealing with people who can
'
t hold their shit together. If I can
'
t lose it
,
why does everyone else get to?

Especially right now.

"
Mom?
"
It
'
s been a week since the dance. I sneak in her room every day and the bottle it still there. I know it
'
s stupid
,
but I even made a little mark in the label so I
'
d know if it was a different one. It
'
s still untouched
.
I don
'
t know if I should be happy or upset about that. I hate that it
'
s there
,
but glad that it
'
s still there at the same time.

She looks over at me from her position of scrubbing the kitchen counter
,
pushing a strand of brown hair out of her face.
"
Hey
,
you.
"
She looks down at the counter again
,
scrubbing.

"
How
...
how are you?
"
I lean against the counter beside her.

She blows out a deep breath
,
the hair swaying with the force of air.
"
I
'
m okay
.
I
'
m sad
,
but I
'
m okay. I promise.
"
Mom stops scrubbing before standing beside me. Her head drops to my shoulder.
"
I miss him so much
,
kiddo. He
..."
she hiccups and I know she
'
s crying. My eyes burn
,
too.
"
He changed my life
.
He made me happy. He loved me
,
so much.
"
She squeezes my arm.
"
He gave me you. Your dad loved you so much
,
Carter. I never saw his eyes light up the way I did when he would look at you.
"

A couple tears leak out of my eyes.
"
Really?
"

"
Oh yes.
"
Mom grabs my hand and pulls me to the table.
"
We were young when we had you
,
but he was so happy. He wanted you so much
,
. God
,
he was so full of love. He worked so hard to give us everything he could.
"
She laughs.
"
He tried to make up for my dad
,
you know. He used to tell me he would make sure he
'
d tell me he loved me at least once every day of our lives
,
to make sure I knew how special I was. You get that from him
.
How
you love? It
'
s just like your dad.
"

Pride swells inside me. I
'
ve always wanted to be like him.

"
You
,
me
,
and basketball. We were your dad
'
s life. He used to tell me you
'
d be better than him one day. You are. I
'
m sure he gets a kick out of that.
"

It feels like my skin cracks open and light spills out.
"
You think? Really think I
'
m better than he was?
"

Half of Mom
'
s mouth rises.
"
Oh come on
,
Carter. You know you
'
re the man.
"

Hearing Mom say
'
the man
'
makes me laugh.

"
It
'
s hard to believe it
'
s been so long. It feels like yesterday.
"
Softly
,
she starts to cry again and I abandon my original idea.

"
What do you want to do tonight? Movie and Chinese?
"

Mom shakes her head.
"
No. I know you want to go out with Kira tonight. You deserve to spend the night with your girlfriend and not babysit me. Sara
'
s with Bill and I bought a half gallon of ice cream
,
stuff to give myself a pedicure. I
'
m going to spend the night spoiling myself the way he would have.
"
She pats my hand and stands up. Her words sound right
,
but it feels wrong. I can
'
t leave her. Not on the anniversary of my dad
'
s death.

"
Mom
..."

"
It
'
s not up for debate. I
'
m okay to be alone. I promise.
"

There
'
s a war being fought inside me. A one on one game. I know I shouldn
'
t leave her
,
but I want to. I want to go out with Kira and have the night we should have had last week. I don
'
t want to be the guy who has to worry about his mom if he goes out with his girlfriend.
"
You
'
re sure?
"

"
I have the only son in the world
that
would make me kick him out.
Go
. Have fun with your girlfriend. Not
too
much fun
,
though.
"

"
Lalalala. Don
'
t make me hear that again
."
I back away laughing.
"
I
'
m going. I
'
m going.
"

Mom
'
s voice stops me as I start to walk away.
"
I love you
,
Carter.
"

Looking at her
,
I say
,
"
I love you too
,
Ma.
"

The whole time I
'
m getting ready
,
I think about what I want to do. I
'
m going to do it. I
'
m taking the bottle. If she looks for it
,
she
'
ll be upset
,
but I don
'
t care. It
'
s better than the alternative.

When I push open her bedroom door
,
she
'
s in her room
,
folding clothes.
"
Hey. Need something?
"
she asks. It
'
s not like I can tell her
,
'
hey
,
mind lea
ving for a minute so I can steal
your vodka?
'
.

"
No
,
no. Just wanted to say bye.
"
She
'
ll be okay
,
I tell myself as I walk away.
She
'
ll be okay.

***

I pick Kira up at about five. She climbs into my truck
,
putting a picnic basket on her lap. She tosses a big duffle bag on the floorboard.

"
What
'
s that?
"
I point to the basket.

"
Dinner
,
of course.
"

"
I figured I
'
d take you out for dinner.
"
My truck is idling in her driveway.

"
And I figured I
'
d make you dinner. I think we should stay as far away from other people as we can tonight
.
Like
that night in the Jacuzzi? That was perfect. We need to find a place where no one can bother us. Your choice because you know the area better than me.
"

For the second time
,
I realize I love this girl. Like
,
actually love her.
"
I know a place
,
but are you sure? It
'
s cold.
"

"
Afraid of a little cold weather?
"
she mocks
,
making me laugh.

"
Nope
.
Gives
me the opportunity to keep you warm.
"

It takes us thirty minutes to get there. The road is just as dark as I remember. I almost miss the driveway
,
but catch it at the last minute. Leaving the truck going
,
I jump out and unlock the old gate so we can drive in.

"
Breaking and entering again?
"

Shaking my head
,
I say
,
"
Nope. I wouldn
'
t have the key if that was the case. This is my grandpa
'
s house. He doesn
'
t live here
,
but he won
'
t sell it or give it to Mom either. It
'
s just his way of giving her something else to take care of. We
'
re not going inside though.
"
My truck bounces around in potholes as we go down the driveway. It continues past the house
,
getting bumpier and more off-road than when we first started.

When we get there
,
I turn around and back up until we
'
re almost to the lake.
"
Come on.
"
I tell her
,
getting out of the truck. I walk around
,
grabbing the bag while she takes the basket. It
'
s November so it
'
s already dark even though it
'
s early evening. The trees make shadows
,
bouncing off the lake. Above the water is a perfect clearing
,
showing the stars in a different way than we see them in town.