Freeing Carter (43 page)

"
You
'
re pretty. Oh
,
can we have a sleepover
?
Please.
"
The rest of her words are excited mumbles.

"
Umm
,
I don
'
t know if she can
,
Twig. I think her mom wants her home.
"
But I don
'
t want her to leave. It
'
s like water on the patches
,
making them peel up on the corners.

"
Carter
..."
I walk over to her.
"
I can stay. Lana
'
s not home. I don
'
t want to leave you.
"

I exhale.
"
I don
'
t want you to go either. I
'
ll be right back.
"
I run into my room
,
grab a couple pillows and blankets
,
and then make a pallet on the floor next to Sara
'
s bed. She
'
s mumbling and laughing the whole time
,
her nightmare forgotten.

Kira kicks off her shoes
,
and I turn off the light. Sara
'
s nightlight makes it so we can still see each other. With a shy smile
,
she bends to climb into our pallet.

"
Me. Me. Kira sleep with me!
"

"
Sara
..."

"
It
'
s okay
,"
Kira says.
"
I don
'
t mind.
"
And then climbs in my sister
'
s bed. I
'
m a little jealous
,
but lay on the floor
,
trying to push it aside. The room is silent for a few minutes
,
giving me time to replay the night. Mom bruised. Did she fall? Hit herself somehow. And me. Mom actually tried to hit me.

I jump a little when I feel something in my hair
,
but relax when I realize it
'
s Kira
'
s hand from above me.
"
She
'
s out already.
"
Kira keeps her voice low so she doesn
'
t wake Sara.

"
What if I wasn
'
t here?
"
The question just hits me.
"
Sara has a lot of nightmares and she
knows.
What if I wasn
'
t here for her? What if she couldn
'
t wake her up and she was scared and I didn
'
t protect her?
"

"
You were here
,
Carter. That
'
s what matters. You were here for her. You took care of her. Of them both.

This time
.
I was here this time.

Her hand is still playing with my hair
,
but I grab it instead. Like always
,
our hands fit so well together. It
'
s uncomfortable with her being higher than me. Probably for her too
,
but I
'
ll hold on as long as she does.

"
I
'
m tired of lying
.
I'm tired
of not knowing if I
'
m doing the right thing. Of pretending. I
'
m
...
tired of doing it on my own.
"

For the next few minutes
,
the only sound is our breaths: mine
,
Kira
'
s and Sara
'
s
,
until finally she speaks.
"
You know what you have to do
."

"
I do.
"

"
And I do
,
too. I need to see her. I mean
,
I know you
'
re right. I am who I am
,
but I think I need to see her. Just so I can make peace with it. So I can be
...
free of my past. Does that sound stupid?
"

Free.
"
No
.
It
sounds perfect.
"

I squeeze her hand
,
holding it until we fall asleep. Even then
,
we don
'
t let go.

***

I
'
m up with the sun. Neither Kira nor Sara
wake
up as I fill a bag with some of Sara
'
s clothes. They
'
re still out when I leave for my room to pack my stuff too. My heart is hammering. My hands are sweating. I don
'
t know if I
'
m abandoning her. If I
'
m betraying her
. B
ut I know I can
'
t handle it on my own anymore. I need help. Sara deserves better.

I put our stuff in my truck. Check on Mom one last time
,
plug her phone into the charger and put my note underneath it.
"
I love you
,
M
om
,"
I tell her. She doesn
'
t stir
,
but I hope she hears. Hope she
'
ll believe it.

Sneaking back into Sara
'
s room
,
I wake Kira first.
"
I need to get out of here before Mom wakes up.
"
Otherwise
,
I don
'
t know if I can do it.

Nodding
,
Kira climbs out of Sara
'
s bed
,
squeezes my shoulder
,
and waits as I wake up my little sister.
"
Twig. It
'
s time to get up
,
kid.
"

She moans
,
rolls over and peeks up at me. I hand her
the
glasses from the table.
"
We
'
re playing a game. Want to pretend we
'
re going on a trip? We can pretend it
'
s like that one time we went to see Grandma and Grandpa Shaw. Remember how we got up really early in the morning and had McDonalds for breakfast?
"

Excitedly
,
her head nods up and down.

"
We can do that again and after breakfast
,
we
'
ll go to your daddy
'
s house. I haven
'
t had a sleepover there in a long time. Sound cool?
"
When she nods again
,
I playfully tug her hair.

"
Grab Barney
,
okay? You can even go in your pajamas.
"
My body aches. I feel like I
'
ve been playing basketball for twenty-four hours straight
,
but I push through it.

When Sara stands up
,
I
grab
Kira
'
s drawing off the wall. Kira grabs my hand as soon as I step into the hallway. With one last look at Mom
'
s closed bedroom door
,
we
'
re gone.

Chapter Eighteen

Two days later
,
I meet Travis at the basketball court. When I didn
'
t come to school
,
he texted and I told him to meet me here.

"
Okay
.
You
missed school. Kira missed school. Is there something going on I need to know about
,
ya
lucky bastard?
"
He tosses the ball at me
,
but doesn
'
t come too close. Probably because we haven
'
t really talked much since the night of the dance.

I dribble the ball between my legs
,
jump and shoot. Travis tosses it back and I start to dribble again. When I pass it back to him
,
he takes over where I left off
,
dribbling and shooting. Right about now
,
this whole talking thing is feeling overrated. It
'
s a lot easier when
,
in between confessions
,
I get to kiss the person I
'
m confessing to.

Without a word to Travis
,
I walk over and fall down to sit on the curb. My arms rest on my legs
,
as I play with a pebble I picked up. But this is it. I
'
m done being weak. Done lying. Done always trying to do the right thing and never knowing if I am
,
so when Travis sits next to me
,
I say
,
"
My mom
'
s an alcoholic.
"

Travis mumbles
"
shit
"
while bouncing the ball from one hand to another.
"
Dude
,
I know.
"

The rock falls out of my fingers
,
rolling on the ground.
"
You know?
"
How could he know?

Travis shrugs.
"
I
'
ve been your best friend for like ten years. I come over to your house all the time. I
'
ve seen things. Smelled things.
"
He shrugs again.
"
I
'
ve just known.
"

So obviously I
'
m not as good a liar as I thought. I don
'
t know if that makes me happy or not.
"
Why didn
'
t you say anything?
"

"
Um
,
why didn
'
t you?
"
He puts the ball on his lap and leans on it.
"
I just figured you didn
'
t want to talk about it.
If you did, you'd bring it up to me,
ya
know?"

He
'
s right. I wouldn
'
t have wanted to talk about it. I still don
'
t
,
but now I kind of have to.

"
That
'
s why
..."
Travis groans.
"
That
'
s why I feel like shit about the dance. You shouldn
'
t have had to deal with that. I
'
m just
...
all screwed up about my parents
,
but I
'
m dealing. It
'
ll be okay.
"

Picking up the pebble again
,
I say
,
"
I
'
m here. If you want to talk. I can
'
t do the drinking thing though
.
I
'
m done with that.
"