Freeing Carter (19 page)

All sorts of lies start popping into my head. Covers for what I meant. Jokes to play it off
,
but I can
'
t make any of them come out. Instead I go back to my earlier method of making myself look like a loser by standing there and doing nothing.

"
Let
'
s bail!
"
Travis grabs my arm
,
pulling my attention away from Kira.
"
A couple guys are going to start a game outside.
"

My limbs start feeling jumpy
,
ready to let loose on the court.

"
You just got done playing. You guys are obsessed.
"

Nope. Not obsessed
,
but definitely needing to clear my head. This girl makes me feel like I
'
ve been drinking more than caffeine and sugar tonight.
"
You don
'
t get this good by not practicing.
"
I wink at her
,
feeling a little more like myself
,
but also knowing it
'
s a good thing for me to get away from her. I might not know what
'
s going on with me and Mel
,
but I do know I do not need to let myself get wrapped up in someone when l have a girlfriend.

"
Catch
ya
later
,
Kira.
"

"
See
ya
,
Carter.
"

***

It
'
s not a challenge to play ball with a bunch of drunken
,
or at least buzzed
,
people. But it
'
s definitely fun. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard at all the times everyone except for me has landed on the ground
,
tossed the ball over the backboard when going in for a layup
,
or even bounced it off the rim
,
hitting themselves in the head.

These are the kinds
of drunk people I can handle. Kids are supposed to screw up and drink
,
right? I mean
,
that
'
s what being young is about. Screwing up and learning from it. By the time you hit Mom
'
s age
,
you
'
re supposed to know better.

Speaking of
...
"
I
'
m done!
"
I call out.

"
What? Are you wussing out on us?
"
Travis replies.

"
Nope. I
'
m going to find my girlfriend.
"
Which I don
'
t really want to do
,
but I guess it
'
s time
,
right? Even though she
'
s ditched me all night
,
somehow it will be my fault so this way
,
at least I can say I tried. But that
'
s after I do what I really stopped to do.

Walking toward the side of the house
,
I pull out my cell phone
,
hit the number two and wait for it to call Mom. It
'
s eleven
,
but I know she
'
s up. She usually reads or watches TV in bed until I get home. Well
,
when she
'
s sober she does.

My heart
rate picks up a little
,
jumping from the already accelerated beat from playing. Will she be sober? But then I remember she will. She told me it wouldn
'
t happen again and Mom wouldn
'
t lie to me.

"
Hellllllooo.
"

Ice freezes across my body. That one word. That one hello changes everything because I know what kind of greeting it is. It
'
s not a tired hello. It
'
s a drunk hello. I hear it in the tone of her voice. The way she drags the syllables out. That
'
s all it takes.

"
M
om
?
"

She pauses before saying
,
"
Hey!
"
Her voice is a little clearer
,
but it
'
s too late. I already know.

I feel like there
'
s a basketball shoved in my throat. Like my heart has multiple personalities
,
switching between a rapid beat and wanting to stop all together. How could I have thought she
'
d quit? Or quit for me
,
I mean.

Somehow I find a way to exhale a breath around the basketball. As long as she meant it when Sara
'
s home
,
that
'
s all that matters. She never really promised to quit all the time. Just with Sara.

"
Can I stay at Travis
'
s house?
"
The words come from nowhere but the tenseness in my muscles
,
the ache in the pit of my stomach tells me I can
'
t go home. Can
'
t see her because then I
'
ll be mad. I
am
mad
,
but this is my mom and I don
'
t want to hate her. Which is what I
'
m afraid will happen. If I keep seeing it
,
I
'
ll hate her.

"
Mmm hmm. Of course. You
'
re being good
,
right?
"

Okay
,
so not tripping down the stairs drunk. She
'
s checking on me. That means she
'
s at that in- between period where it can go either way. It
'
s that buzz where if she has a couple more
,
it
'
s the Mom I want to hate.
Go to sleep. Put the glass down and go to sleep.

"
Yeah
...
I
'
m always good.
"
And then because I can
'
t hold the words back. Because part of me wants to fight back even though she might not remember it or know what I mean
,
I say
,
"
Are you?
"

Her voice trembles when she sighs.
"
Don
'
t
,
Carter.
"

Don
'
t what? I want to ask. No
,
I want to yell. Yell at the top of my fucking lungs
,
DON
'
T WHAT? Get drunk to forget all the bad shit? Shovel it on my son instead? But I can
'
t. God
,
I can
'
t. It
'
s not her fault.

My hand shakes the same as her voice did.
"
Sorry
...
night
,
Ma. I
'
ll see you tomorrow.
"

Instead of waiting for her to respond
,
I hit end
,
shoving the phone in my pocket as though that will make it all go away. Make it so this whole thing isn
'
t real.

Why am I freaking out this much? I
'
ve seen this before
,
heard it before
,
but it
'
s like all I hear is her voice right now. I
'
m dizzy
,
her drinks affecting me as though I
'
m the one who drank them. I believed her. How could I have believed her?

"
Devin
...
don
'
t. Not here.
"

Mel.

Heat flares over my skin
,
melting the ice from earlier.

"
Come on
...
you said you were breaking up with him. Don
'
t make me regret wanting a high school girl.
"

"
I am
...
I think
...
it
'
s hard. Winter Formal
'
s coming up. I
'
ve been with Carter for a long time. My parents
...
Everyone expects
—
.
"

I can
'
t stop myself from stomping through the leaves
,
around the shed and toward the voices walking the opposite direction.
"
Melanie.
"
My voice is smooth
,
when I feel anything but.

She whips around. Devin
,
standing next to her.
"
Carter! Hey
,
I was looking for you. We were just talking. What
'
s wrong
,
baby?
"
She starts to step toward me.

"
Don
'
t.
"
I use the same word Mom just used on me. How can she do this to me now? Tonight? When all I need is something
...
someone to make everything else go away. Mom
...
Mel
,
do any of them mean what they say?
"
Well
,
at least I don
'
t have to put up with your bitching anymore. It was getting old.
"

"
What? My bitching? Don
'
t talk to me like that
,
Carter.
"
Her arms are crossed. Queen Melanie isn
'
t used to anyone talking to her this way.

"
Why? You
'
re screwing Devin
,
aren
'
t you? I figure the least I can do is call you on your attitude. I mean
,
I get it. Are you scared you won
'
t be Winter Formal queen if we
'
re not together?
Afraid you won't have someone to drive your car for you at lunch if your boyfriend's out of school?"
I turn to Devin.
"
Be careful
,
bro. She bites. Best make sure your clothes aren
'
t too wrinkled for her
,
or you don
'
t drop some fucking ketchup in princess
'
s car.
"

It
'
s hard to hear my own words over the beat of my pulse
,
pounding in my ears.

"
Screw you
,
Carter! You
'
re such a jerk! We
'
re
so
over. I haven
'
t wanted you for a while anyway.
"
Mel’s face turns as pink as her lipstick.

I want
to tell her no. That we
'
re not over because I just want someone to go on pretending everything is okay with
,
but another part
,
a bigger part of me is grateful. So thankful to be free. To have one aspect in my life I don
'
t have to pretend with if I don
'
t want.
"
Is that supposed to hurt? Oh no. Let me go pretend I have a broken heart now so you can keep feeling good about yourself. So you can pretend to feel guilty while you
'
re screwing around with this douchebag.
"