Fremder (2 page)

Gösta Kraken,
Perception Perceived:
an Unfinished Memoir
(Jonathan Cape, 1987)

Years before Kraken’s thoughts on ‘the occulting state of being’ Elias Gorn had begun his investigation of what he termed ‘zoetic oscillation’. As early as 1969 he had written to Boris Pavlovich Belousov:

After reading of your quite remarkable demonstration of chemical oscillation I have produced this reaction in my own laboratory using a malonic acid reagent. Since then I have been seeing the characteristic spirals and rings in everything from coins of Knossos and Troy Town mazes to the movement of smoke in wind-tunnel experiments. It seems to me that what you have shown us might well be the universal communication pattern of which your chemical reaction is one of an infinite number of manifestations. Communication of what? Perhaps the primal impulse that drives all systems both microcosmic and macrocosmic? A very unscientific leap of the imagination indeed!

I’ve been considering the possibility of zoetic oscillation
and I believe that this can be demonstrated by the simplest of experiments but I haven’t had the technology available that would enable me to build the necessary equipment.

Elias Gorn never did acquire the technology; he and his wife committed suicide in 2009 when he was dying of cancer, leaving the notes that his daughter Helen would study and make use of. Victor Lossiter had the technology, and in his elegant 2019 experiment that made Lossiter’s rat as famous as Schrödinger’s cat he isolated not only the zoetic current of a rat but the substantive emissions of its cage. He wired both rat and cage to a camera with a nanosecond quartz flash, the circuit that activated the camera being completed only in the intervals in zoetic and inanimate currents; Lossiter’s film showed frame after frame of empty laboratory table, thereby demonstrating that life and matter are not continuous but intermittent, a nonlinear alternation of being and non-being at varying frequencies in the ultraband. Lossiter died in 2021 at thirty-seven with his work unfinished but his discoveries and the researches of Elias and Sarah Gorn started Helen Gorn and her brother Isodor on the ontological investigation that resulted in flicker drive.

Flicker drive was not Helen Gorn’s first objective: she had been in correspondence with Lossiter since 2018 and she believed that the phonomenon of intermittency could be applied to psychotherapy. Herself given to frequent depressions, she was hoping to find a mode of controlled access to states of non-being as a means of relieving stress. In May 2021 she and her brother Isodor, financed by a Corporation grant, began a series of experiments with the limbic system and within a year they demonstrated conclusively that the ‘carrier wave’ in the human brain is generated in the amygdala…

Fremder here. At Corporation Library you can see 318 transcripts of Helen Gorn’s recordings of the experiments from 2 May 2021 until 16 February 2022. There are no transcripts between that date and Isodor’s death on 13 April 2022. Helen was twenty-three when they began the experiments, a Fellow of Corporation Neurobiology and Corporation Elite. Eighteen-year-old Isodor was a mathematician and an FCE as well. Reading their notebooks now I find the two of them more like one composite being than two distinct individuals.

The family name used to be Gorenstein. Elias Gorenstein’s parents ended up in Auschwitz and when he came to England he thought Gorn might be a better name to have if somebody came knocking on the door in the middle of the night. ‘Gorn today; here tomorrow,’ he’s quoted as saying.

The beginning of my life was not quite the usual thing. My mother killed herself when she was seven months pregnant with me. She knew from the scan that she was carrying a boy and she left a note for the sanatorium staff saying that she wanted me to be circumcised and named Fremder Elijah Gorn. There was also a note for me; when it was put into my hands four years later I looked at those marks made by my mother’s hand and her words came to me in silence from the voiceless paper:

Dear Fremder Elijah,

I’m sorry that I’m not going to be around to be your mother but each of us can only go so far: I’ve gone my distance and now you’ll have to go yours. Learn the speech of ravens and they will feed you.

Good luck,               
your mother,      
Helen Gorn

There was a chair for Elijah at the circumcision. Perhaps he attended, perhaps not. As quickly as possible I learned the speech of ravens and they fed me.

It was just one of those things,
Just one of those crazy flings.
One of those bells that now and then rings,
Just one of those things.

Cole Porter, ‘Just One of Those Things’

As I write this I sometimes get the pictures in my head mixed up: thinking of my first birthday I see the figure in the blue coverall tumbling over and over in deep space and when I recall that 4 November in the Fourth Galaxy I see myself being cut out of the belly of my dead mother.

I did my last two months in an artificial womb with, I was told, the sound of her recorded heartbeat in my unborn ears. I’ve often thought I’d like to sit and listen to that tape for a while, some rainy evening maybe; I tried to track it down once at Class A Prenatal but had no luck.

Class A orphans live at The Cauldron until the age of twelve; it isn’t a bad place to do your child time: batteries of wet-nurses to start you off right and dedicated minders to continue the process. I had a minder named Miranda – she was beautiful, with fair hair in a long plait that hung down her back and swung when she walked. The streets then were just as bad as they are now: roving bands of Prongs, Arseholes, Funboys, the Adoption Agency, and worst of all the Shorties and their Clowns, so our rare excursions into the outside world were always made with armed heavies. In the compound there was an ecodome
that was meant to keep us happy: it had fields and trees and a murmuring stream; there were rabbits and hedgehogs and a tortoise named Achilles; there was a sky with real weather coming down in accordance with the seasons; November has always been a haunted month for me and the dark and glistening dangers of the bonfire-flickering streets seemed more a part of my reality than the sanitised November of the ecodome.

At The Cauldron there was nothing unusual in not knowing who your father was. If you were Class A you were definitely somebody and not nobody and there was a good chance that both of your parents were somebody too. All of us were snobs; the unoffical roster of probable fathers at The Cauldron was heavy with scientists but also included painters, composers, writers, and of course deep-spacers, every one of them famous. Mostly we pretended that being one parent short was a sort of advanced thing that put us somewhere beyond those simple two-parent children who knew nothing of the world but inside me the questions howled on my track like wolves: why had my mother killed herself? Why hadn’t I got a father? Why had he abandoned my mother and me? Where had he gone? Was it another woman? Was he dead? At night when I thought of my mother disappearing from around me before I was born I sat up and leaned forward in the dark and felt the world move away from me while ravens in their thousands fluttered their wings and whispered the blackness.

When I was twelve I accessed the Hall of Records database but it came up NILFOUND. Later I put a professional tracer on it with the same result. As far back as I can remember birthdays have been bad days for me. I got used to it; I grew up with an emptiness where a mother and father ought to have been and with time the emptiness became my mother and my father. On Earth I like grey skies, rain, bleak landscapes, places of transience and neon tubing, sleazy hotels, dismal downtimes,
Q-BO SLEEPS, and so on. In deep space I like places like Badr al-Budur.

Early on in my childhood I sensed the thinness of reality and I became terrified of what might be on the other side of the membrane: I imagined a ceaseless becoming that swallowed up everything. I used to lie awake in the night and grind my teeth. But after a while anything becomes home, even terror.

I think about the dead a lot, their wants and their needs and their unfinished business; I suppose it’s because of the way I came into the world. The dead prodigiously outnumber the living, and although their lives have stopped their action hasn’t; they are with us always, sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting. As a child I used to think about my mother and about her grandparents who died in Auschwitz. And my unknown father, I mostly thought of him as dead too. The dead are with me in the ordinary moments of every day – sometimes I see my hand lift a cup of coffee or sign my name and I feel ghost hands moving with mine, lifting their no-coffee, signing their no-names. And when I flicker they’re always with me. Other deep-spacers have told me they never dream in flicker – how can M-waves dream? – but I know that I do. I always come out of it with a deep sadness, half-remembering blurred faces. Each of us is the forward point of a procession stretching back into the darkness. And even within oneself, every moment is a self that dies: the road to each day’s midnight is littered with corpses and all of them whispering. As I write this I’m listening to Beethoven’s F Major Quartet, Opus 59, No. 1, the first Razumovsky, while thousands of my dead selves hum along with it, sometimes weeping for times that are gone.

Bible studies at The Cauldron began when I was eight but I’d been reading the Bible since I was six and naturally First Kings, Chapter 17, was of considerable interest to me: ‘And Elijah the Tishbite, who was of the inhabitants of Gilead, said unto Ahab: “As the Lord God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there
shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word.”‘ Just like that; no mention of Elijah leading up to it. This man who was my namesake was someone I wanted to know more about. Where had he come from? I asked Mr Clarkson, our teacher. ‘God knows,’ he said. ‘We don’t need to. “Cometh the hour; cometh the man.”’ When we read about the Lord dispatching Elijah to the brook Cherith to be fed by ravens I looked around the room at all those who had no such note as I had from my mother.

Reading of Elijah at the top of Carmel, bowed down upon the earth with his face between his knees as he waited for rain, I had known long since that this was my condition: humbled and waiting. For what? What was Elijah waiting for on Carmel? Rain, yes, but more than that he was waiting for the big hookup that would make him the full Elijah, that would let him be himself. And I, Fremder Elijah Gorn, was waiting for the same thing.

Being a stranger I was always a little strange and I kept to myself much of the time. In the area where the dustbins were there was a little shed of gardening tools; by standing on a dustbin I could climb on to the shed roof, and after a while it became one of my special places. I was sitting up there one afternoon being fed by the ravens when a boy named Albert Stiggs came by and saw me. He used to bully me whenever he found the time and he almost always found it. If you happen to be one who is not good at confronting threats and menaces there will come, sooner or later, like the second planet in a binary system, that other one whose function is to threaten and menace you. The two members of such a system immediately recognise each other as predestined partners in the cosmic pattern. Albert Stiggs had an unbroken record of successes with me and his face was bright with anticipation. ‘What are you doing up there, clipcock?’ he said. ‘Waiting for a fiery chariot?’

I closed my eyes and saw a vibrant purple-blue and that was
when my mind spoke to me for the first time. I knew even then that it wasn’t my mind in the same way that my brain was my brain: this was a mind that had been here long before I arrived on the scene and it would be here long after I was gone, ALWAYS THE NOISE, it said. When it spoke there flared up in me a craziness of many colours and a disregard of consequences. What a wonderful feeling.

‘I’m talking to you, clipcock,’ said Albert.

Without thinking I said, ‘Quiet!’

‘What did you say?’

‘Piss off.’

‘Make me.’

The colours of my craziness roared and bellowed in my ears. I jumped off the roof on to Albert and when Miranda came running and pulled me off him he had a concussion and a broken nose. It was a one-off kind of thing – the mind didn’t speak to me again and the craziness didn’t come again but for the rest of my time at The Cauldron there was no more bother from Albert or anyone else.

Things come to an end, though, and when I was twelve they shipped me out of The Cauldron to the Pre-Poly where a boy named Josef Czerny immediately recognised me as his opposite number in the traditional binary. I kept hoping that the mind would speak to me again and show me those many colours of craziness that had enabled me to deal with Albert Stiggs but it didn’t happen and I had no more successes of the Stiggs sort for the rest of my school days.

Twelve isn’t too early to have an aim in life. I felt a craving in me for deep space but most of all I wanted to make friends with that mind that had spoken to me. Not just so I could beat up people who bothered me. No, I wanted to be with it because it was the best feeling I’d ever had and I wanted to have that feeling again, however long it took to get there.

I get along without you very well,
Of course I do …

Hoagy Carmichael, ‘I Get Along Without You Very Well’

I’m looking at a photo of my mother. There was a German artist, Max Klinger (1857-1920), who attempted a variety of themes and was better with some than with others. The Klinger plate I look at most is an etching,
Im Walde, In the Wood
: there’s a footpath under dark trees whose bare black branches twist overhead in cold sunlight and shadow. The air seems whispery and breathless. By the side of a path lies a folded coat, on it a white envelope. Nearby an upturned hat shows its emptiness. In that cold sunlight the coat is abject and defeated, the hat projects a pathetic shadow. Beyond the coat and the hat stands a large tree with a double trunk but the right-hand one is only a cut-off stump. The deep black shadow of that tree across the path is irrevocable. Helen Gorn in all of her photographs seems to be looking at me out of that wood.