Friends: A Love Story (39 page)

We'd never pretend to be relationship experts—as you've read, we experience relationship challenges just like everyone else. But along our journey and during this unconventional life we live, stretched between two coasts, traveling around the world, and living in—and thriving in spite of—the media fishbowl, we have figured out a thing or two about what makes a relationship endure. As a little thank-you for the love you've shown us over the years and for supporting us by buying this book, we'd like to share a few tips for having a healthy relationship and marriage. On the pages below you'll find our thoughts on a variety of relationship-related topics. Our ideas are separated into advice for single people, advice for those who are married and advice that applies no matter your marital status. You may decide to hone in on the ideas that most fit your relationship status. But we hope that at your leisure, you'll read all of the information. We all have a lot to share with and learn from each other on this amazing road we call life. We are so grateful that you've been willing to spend a portion of your journey with us.

Advice for singles:

If your relationships aren't going well or if you keep having the same experiences over and over, rather than trying to change
your partner, focus your attention on the plans God has for
your
life. Let Him do all the changing, beginning with you!

 

Angela:
As human beings, we're always trying to change or control things—other people, situations, even our thoughts. It's like trying to control the wind or the weather. You can't; the weather's going to be what the weather's going to be. You'd better just dress appropriately. You might as well just put on a hat and a scarf. In other words,
you
do the changing! The only thing we are really in control of changing is ourselves. That's why it's important to sit back and figure out why things keep happening to us—what we're dissatisfied with and the reasons for it. When we work on ourselves, we gain a different perspective and see ourselves and others through changed eyes. Whereas in the past we may have been willing to accept less-than-admirable behavior—say, lying (even “white” lies) or chronic lateness—from ourselves and others, when you begin to hold yourself to a higher standard then that's not even an option. If you live up to whatever values you say are important to you, people who exhibit similar values are the only people you're going to attract. In essence, it's about how
you
behave. As you change your perspective and sense of yourself, other people—your mate, friends, coworkers—will see and deal with you differently. You don't have to stress yourself out trying to “make” them change, and your vision becomes clearer.

 

Courtney:
If you keep experiencing the same relationship problems over and over and/or negative kinds of people keep showing up in your love life, it's not the other people that need changing. As Angela said, we attract people who match up with who we are and our values. So ask yourself, “Who am I?” and “What kind of person am I attracted to romantically?” If you just look for the physical, that's what you're going to get—a person who looks good on the outside, but may not have anything
going on in the areas where it really counts. If you want to attract someone different, you have to be willing to change.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that change can be hard. We live in a society where we're led to believe that if you try something one time and don't get the results, you should give up because it doesn't work. Even though we have a tendency to become impatient, certain things take time. What do you do while your change unfolds? Engage in positive activities that help you build a strong foundation for your new life.

Between the time that Ahren and I broke up and Angela came into my life, I had to create consistent and affirming activities to help anchor my life and give it rhythm. I had to do things differently so that I wasn't having a permanent pity party, always thinking about my shortcomings and failings. When I still lived in New York, walking Bottom, going to the theater and getting therapy anchored my day. When I moved to Los Angeles, I immediately started to recreate that structure by handling fundamentals like finding the cleaners, the grocery store, a doctor, a dentist, an eye doctor. As I matured spiritually, going to church and Bible study, reading the Bible gave me spiritual roots. As you establish this type of structure and foundation—and especially a strong spiritual anchor—God will reveal to you what you are to do next, be it leave your job or go on a budget or step out on faith on something important. These activities will keep you so busy you won't have the time or energy to try to change anyone else. While God is working on these activities in your life, you can rest assured that He's working on your partner—either changing the one you have or bringing a better one to you.

 

Don't be afraid to spend time not being in a relationship, dating or having sex.

 

Angela:
No matter whether you're in a relationship or not, it's very important to learn to be happy wherever you are. We all
have to guard against believing that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Being single and being married both have their pros and challenges. Especially when you're single, you may feel lonely and wonder why you can't find someone, why nobody loves you. But married people sometimes miss being able to think only for themselves and not having to negotiate about everything. And once you have a baby, you can hardly think of yourself at all.

When you're single, I think it's important to spend some downtime between relationships and take an honest look at yourself. Do you see any patterns that you'd like to stop repeating? Do your friends tell you about behaviors you're repeating? Pay attention and consider them. One common example I've seen in people (including myself) is giving away too much of themselves early on in a relationship. I think we need to get to know each other over the course of time. Only with time do you find yourselves in a wide enough variety of circumstances and experiences to really learn about someone. It's nice to be wined and dined all the time, but when you're in a restaurant other people are waiting on you; you learn nothing about a person's serving spirit. In other words, when you're not in a restaurant, does
he
serve you or do you always have to take care of yourself? While you're alone, you can take the time to examine these kinds of issues. Do you expect someone to take care of you or is there reciprocity?

I also think it's very important to have platonic friends. We spend so much time thinking about
eros
—erotic, romantic—love because it's the easy one to spot. But there are different kinds of love and different kinds of relationships. For example
philia
love—the love of brotherly and sisterly friendship and fellowship with those you enjoy—is also very important. Friendships are very important to give you variety and insight. I know that I have some friends I keep it light and general with, and other friends I can go deeper with. As a single woman it was im
portant to me to have guy friends who just liked me for me and where our relationship was devoid of any sexual content. Not every man in your life has to want something sexual from you. And physical attraction aside, men are very alluring. They have different interests than women, they enjoy a different kind of fun, they can clue you in about men and hip you to games other guys run. It's nice to have male friends that you just hang around with. Interacting as friends with members of the opposite sex also makes you feel more a part of the human race since they
do
make up half the population.

 

Courtney:
Don't be ashamed to save yourself sexually for the person you're going to marry. When you're dating it can be helpful to communicate a standard message up front: “I just want to be clear that I'm saving myself for my husband (or wife), so there's not going to be any sex. I'm not even going to think about it. So let's just get to know each other.” You'll know that if the person sticks around, they like you for who you are, rather than thinking they're going to get sex from you. When Angela told me that she wanted to wait on sex, I knew there was something special about her and that she had standards about herself. She didn't have to do what everyone else does. She didn't need to wear all these revealing “hoochie mama” clothes or hang out in a bar. Some men like sweet girls, women who are understated.

Until that special person comes along, it's important to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. After Dr. Kornfield encouraged me to have women friends, I've developed some great platonic relationships. When I was single I looked for women I shared interests with. I found that many of them were in the same situation I was—waiting for their train to come in. But when you become friends with someone of the opposite sex, you may have to take the lead in communicating to make sure that being buddies is all you want. So that everyone's clear and
no one gets their feelings hurt, you both have to discuss where you are and what you can handle. When you both understand what the deal is, you can breathe with each other and have a wonderful, open, cool, no-tension-of-any-kind type of relationship. But in order to get to that place, you've gotta talk. You've gotta acknowledge where you both are.

 

Don't just live or have children together, commit to getting married.

 

Angela:
Children are a gift from God, and any gift from God is magnificent. So that's the way we ought to treat children—magnificently. I believe they grow and thrive best when they have the benefit of a mother and father who are married to each other. Men and women are different. I don't believe that one sex is obsolete or redundant or unnecessary. I don't believe in keeping children from their parent as a punishment. That's not the way we ought to treat them. Men and women bring different things to the table and children benefit greatly from both. Now, there are many situations where that isn't able to happen. Maybe one parent disappears or is unavailable emotionally or physically, in which case you have to make the best of it. Or perhaps you decide to adopt as a single parent—there are many different ways of making a family. But I don't agree with the idea of willingly having a baby when you're unmarried. I think it's a little selfish. I think you should come to the process with a selfless spirit, thinking about what's best for the child and the ramifications of all of your actions. Once the child is here, it's important to engage in the type of growth and maturation that helps you raise a healthy citizen of the world.

 

Courtney:
Since I wasn't raised in the church, I didn't know that God has a divine order about sex being reserved for marriage. When you follow God's plan, the only way it's possible to bring
children into the world is when you're married. We're supposed to try to be holy like He is. We'll always fall short because He's perfection; yet God gives us a value system to live by. If our behavior falls outside of it, we can stop, recommit and dedicate ourselves to something higher. If you stop and take yourself to another level, God will see that and bless your relationship and family because you're trying to do things His way. You'll also get a stronger sense of who and whose you are—and that there's a plan. Once you know your behavior isn't according to God's plan, you have a choice to make. You can choose to keep doing what you're doing, knowing it's not what God wants. Or you can change. Ignore his Word, though, and the consequences are yours. You will get down the line and find that the price you have to pay not worth it. That's why the Bible tells us to always count the cost.

 

Before you get married, make sure to find out if you and your love share similar values, dreams and desires. The character of the person you adore is not going to change. This is why it is very important to allow God to bring us our mate, for according to Scripture:
O Lord, I know the way of man is not in himself; It is not in man who walks to direct his own steps (Jeremiah 10:23).

 

Angela:
Before you think about marrying someone, find out if you share a similar vision for your lives and look at the world from the same vantage point. That's the idea behind the Biblical maxim that we be “equally yoked.” When you get married, two spirits are supposed to become one. The last thing you want is a two-headed monster of a marriage, where you have one body—the marriage—but two heads—two sets of thoughts—going in different directions. If this happens you'll tear the marriage and each other apart and won't move forward. When you're dating you're still an independent contractor or a solo performer. But when you're in a committed
relationship or marriage, then it's all about the team; both members should be moving in the same direction. That's why as you move more deeply into a relationship, you need to learn about your mate.

There are all sorts of questions it's important to investigate. Have in-depth conversations:
Do you want children? When? Right away? Oh, I wanted to finish school first. Do you want to have them biologically or adopt them?
Or maybe you're dating someone who already has children:
Do you want to have more? You feel like you've raised your kids and are past that stage? Oh…
These are the kinds of questions you have to ask. Experts say that money is a major stressor in most relationships. Courtney came to our relationship as someone generous who would spend. I came as more frugal, more thrifty, more cautious. I paid my bills off early—I couldn't stand to have them over my head.
Ooo-wee,
that was challenging! We still deal with our money differences a bit. But we weren't going to keep our finances separate. If we truly believe we're a family, we don't want to say, “That's yours over there and this is mine over here.”