Friends Like Us (20 page)

Steph wondered if she was serious. Rachel seemed happy enough at home, it was Steph she had the problem with.

‘But now you can play bridge,' said Nuala. ‘You can teach all your friends. That's what we used to do when I was young, get together for bridge.'

Rachel looked sceptical.

‘I can play with you sometime, if you like,' offered Steph. ‘Granny taught me when I was young.'

‘Yeah… maybe.' Rachel was off-hand and Steph longed to reach out and hold her close and to ask her what was going on in that teenage brain of her and explain that adults didn't always get it right and that Rachel was loved, deeply loved for who she was and the young woman she was growing into.

She became aware that Melissa and Eilis had been trying to get her attention.

‘Steph, what's going on? Are you okay?' asked Eilis. ‘You're miles away.'

‘Not hungry,' said Steph, trying to smile. ‘Just drinky.' She picked up her wine glass and took a large sip and immediately wished she hadn't. The wine suddenly reminded her of Rome and so she picked up her water glass. ‘You know, she said, I think I'll stick to water. I think I've gone off wine.'

Eilis and Melissa again exchanged a glance. What was going on?

The waiter returned with their food, Caesar salad for Steph, posh burger for Melissa and tuna steak for Eilis.

‘You know?' said Steph. ‘Wine isn't all it's cracked up to be.'

‘Really?' said Eilis, smiling but wondering what Steph was hinting at. ‘And I thought it was the great social lubricant. That we wouldn't be able to even talk to people without a couple of glasses on board.'

‘I just drank too much in Rome,' said Steph. ‘It's nice for a few and then… you know…' She drifted off.

‘Was Rome okay?' said Eilis.

‘Rome was Rome,' she said. ‘We all just drank too much.'

Melissa and Eilis waited for her to say more but it was clear that Steph didn't want to continue.

‘This looks good,' said Melissa and set about trying to eat the burger with a knife and fork. ‘I give up,' she said, ‘would anyone mind if I…?'

Steph and Eilis shook their heads and Melissa picked the burger up with two hands and began to eat. ‘I am starving,' she said. ‘I am finding food a great comfort these days.' She thought of Cormac and wondered where he was and what he was doing. She felt adrift without him. She had texted him and phoned him but he never answered these days. It was clear that he wasn't just busy, she was being cold-shouldered. Had she said something to make him recede like this, after so many years of being so close? Had he picked up on her feelings for him? Was he awkward and did he think the best way to let her down was to drop her like a stone?

Steph took one mouthful of her salad and put down her fork. ‘You can have mine, if you like,' she said to Melissa. ‘I'm not feeling too great.' She smiled as if to say that everything was all right. ‘I'll be fine, just slightly under the weather.'

‘Steph, what's wrong?' said Melissa. ‘Tell us. Please. Is something going on? Did something happen in Rome?' After unburdening herself about her own mother, she really wanted Steph to do the same. She felt so much better reaching out to her friends and sharing a problem which she had carried around all her life, she wanted them to feel they could do the same.

And then, in an instant, the Cheshire cat grin faded and tears filled Steph's eyes.

‘Everything's fine,' she said. ‘Everything's fine.'

‘It's not, is it?' persisted Eilis. ‘Come on, you can tell us. That's what we're here for.'

And Steph looked up at them, defeated. ‘You're right, everything's not fine. Everything's awful. And I don't know what to do.'

‘Go on…' urged Melissa gently.

‘Rick is… Rick is sleeping with Miriam. I saw them… doing it,' she said, tearfully. ‘At the communion. In the garden.'

Melissa and Eilis were open-mouthed.

‘Jesus!' said Melissa.

‘Are you sure?' Eilis said.

‘Yeah,' said Steph. ‘I'm sure. I wish I wasn't, but I'm very sure indeed.'

Melissa had reached over and grasped Steph's hand. Eilis took the other, shaking her head in shock.

‘That's awful,' she soothed. ‘Jesus! That must have been terrible.' She looked at Eilis and mouthed ‘Bastard'. Eilis nodded grimly.

Steph was really crying now. ‘Oh, don't be nice to me, it'll make it worse.' She looked around to see if anyone in the restaurant had noticed. ‘It's been going on for ages, years actually, and I was just trying to pretend it wasn't happening at all and now… I can't really.' She lowered her voice. ‘You're the only ones who know. Don't tell anyone.'

They both shook their heads. ‘We won't.'

‘And he's horrible to me, too. I'm sure I'm awful to live with and everything but he's not a nice person to live with. Not nice at all.'

Eilis and Melissa looked at each other.

‘In what ways is he not nice?' said Eilis.

‘Oh, he gets angry and he shouts at me. He's just got this layer of aggression all the time, ready to spill over. And it's only ever directed at me. No one else. Not Miriam. Or Angeline.'

‘There's another one?' said Melissa.

Steph nodded. ‘Work colleague. 29.'

‘Has he ever hit you,' said Eilis. ‘Has he ever hurt you?'

‘A couple of times,' said Steph. ‘Not badly but just pushing me around.'

‘You need to get out of there,' said Eilis.

‘We can help you,' said Melissa.

‘I know. And I will. I'm going to get my shit together. I promise. I just need a bit more time. I'm not in danger or anything just need to try and decide how to do this.'

‘What about Rachel?' said Melissa. ‘Is he nice to Rachel?'

‘Yeah, he is,' Steph said. ‘In his own way. She is angry at me and not him so much. I don't know why.'

‘Mothers and daughters,' said Melissa. ‘So close. It's a more complicated relationship.'

‘I suppose, I don't know. But she wants him to go to watch her play hockey but she never asks me.'

‘But could that be one way of her reaching out to him?' said Eilis. ‘He's hard to get close to and this is it?'

‘I suppose, but he's the one having an affair, not me, I'm the one who's there for her and who wants to spend time with her.
'

‘You'll sort it out, I promise,' said Melissa. ‘She's only sixteen.' Melissa hoped it would work out for Steph and Rachel, that they would find their way back to each other again. She remembered how much she longed for her own mother aged sixteen, except in her case it was her mother rejecting her. And she was determined that Steph would move out and away from Rick. She wondered if they could move in with her for a bit. That could work. The three of them together could sort this one out.

‘And,' continued Steph, dabbing her eyes with a napkin, ‘this thing with Angeline. He's having an affair with an affair.'

‘Who does that?' said Melissa. ‘Jesus!'

Steph nodded. ‘And I thought she was nice. I've met her at the Partners' Partners' Party.'

‘Was that,' said Eilis, ‘what it was actually called? Someone went a bit alliteration crazy.'

‘An alliterative arse,' said Melissa.

They all laughed, even Steph. ‘But,' she continued, ‘Angeline was lovely. Now I know why. She just wanted to see what I was like.'

‘What a cow,' said Melissa. ‘Conniving, cunning cow. Shall I stop with the alliteration now?'

‘I found texts,' said Steph. ‘She seems to be in love with him.'

‘Fool,' said Eilis, ‘she's a fool. And so's Miriam.'

‘A fecking, flipping fool,' said Melissa. ‘Sorry,' she said, ‘it just came out.'

‘But I am too, aren't I?' said Steph. ‘I am just in this terrible mess which I can't get out of. I keep doing the most destructive things…'

‘Like what?' said Eilis.

‘Like… oh I don't know, like things I shouldn't do…' She couldn't mention the shoplifting, it was too shameful. She was feeling a big enough failure in front of her friends already and they were being so nice to her. She didn't know if she deserved such kindness. ‘I just can't help myself. I can't quite focus enough on anything to move on. I don't know how to change things. It's been like this for years and years and I keep going round and round and round. I'm going mad.'

‘No, you're not,' said Eilis, ‘it might feel like it, but this is what life feels like. It's not easy to live and be normal. Things always happen and you've just got to get through them. And you will. You'll get through this.'

‘Yes,' said Melissa, ‘you will, Steph. You're strong, you're brilliant. You'll get through it.'

‘But I don't know what the future
looks
like,' said Steph. ‘I don't know how it is going to end. If I knew, it might make it easier. I don't want to be with him but don't know how I am going to move on. I have no plan at the moment. I've only just realized that I don't have to be like this for the rest of my life.'

‘But no one knows, none of us know what is going to happen,' said Eilis. ‘We just have to keep going, you know?'

‘You have us, Steph, doesn't she Eils?' said Melissa. ‘We're here for you, whenever you need us.'

‘I suppose I'm scared,' said Steph. ‘You know, the future… that things might get worse.'

‘They might, but then it will be okay, that's the way life works,' said Eilis, wishing fervently that she was able to apply such wisdom to herself.

‘We are all scared,' said Melissa. ‘Life is bloody terrifying.'

Eilis agreed. ‘Yeah, it's super scary just being out there. What's going to happen next? I keep waiting for my nice life to start, but it never does, you know where everything is calm and there are no nasty surprises.'

‘Or nice surprises,' said Melissa. ‘Just no surprises at all. Just everything mapped out and non-scary.'

‘But that would,' said Steph, ‘be boring.' Eilis and Melissa had actually succeeded in making her feel a tiny bit better, already she felt a little lighter, a dab happier. ‘You're not shocked?' she said. ‘Everyone thinks my life's perfect…'

‘Who thinks that?' said Eilis.

‘Everyone… everyone.'

‘Do they?' said Melissa. ‘Really, though?'

‘Maybe they don't. Maybe that's something I've put on it myself, that I had to make everything wonderful, but I have never been able to. I can't seem to make everyone happy.'

‘Is that your job?' said Melissa.

‘My Mam and Dad made it seem so simple. Happiness wasn't something we had to work on in our family, but I can't seem to get it going in our house. No wonder Rachel hates me.'

‘She doesn't hate you,' said Eilis. ‘You're her mam.'

‘You'll work it out,' said Melissa. ‘I know you will.'

‘And then there's Rick,' said Steph. ‘He's so angry with me.'

‘Maybe… maybe it's not you he's angry with,' suggested Melissa.

‘Who then?'

‘Himself?'

Steph shrugged. ‘Perhaps, who knows? Whoever it is, he's not a very happy person. Well, he's definitely happier with other people. Like Angeline or bloody Miriam.'

‘I can't believe you're not angrier,' said Melissa. ‘I'd be throwing things around. Using his cereal bowl as the cat's toilet or giving his suits away to charity. Or,' she was on a roll now, ‘or tattooing his forehead with the word Bastard. Isn't that what you are meant to do in these circumstances?'

‘But they don't have a cat,' said Eilis. ‘So, not all of those are applicable.'

‘True. Scrap idea number one, then,' said Melissa.

‘Yeah, you'd think you would,' said Steph. ‘But that's not exactly what happens in real life. I just feel numb and powerless and not able to actually move things forward.'

‘But you will move forward, you will move on,' said Eilis. ‘You're just not a drama queen, like other people. You don't cause scenes and force things to move faster than they would naturally.'

‘So, what are you going to do?'

‘I don't know, I can't see a way out,' Steph said. ‘I can't imagine a different kind of life.' But having opened up, she was starting to realize that a new life, a new direction didn't seem so impossible.

‘Should I order more drinks or cake,' said Melissa. ‘Eilis, what are the doctor's orders?'

Steph laughed. ‘Well, I'm not a doctor, but I prescribe conversation… talking… all of us, to each other.'

‘Okay,' said Eilis and Melissa. ‘Okay. It's a deal.'

‘And as a fully qualified medical doctor, for this evening, I prescribe dessert.'

‘At last,' said Melissa. ‘I've been eyeing up the crème caramel that's just arrived at the table over there. Anyone else?'

‘The chocolate tart for me,' said Steph. ‘With ice cream. And extra cream. I think I need it.' Her appetite was coming back, she noticed, so that was good.

‘Make that two,' said Eilis.

And they sealed the deal with sugar.

Her father had phoned her, which was unheard of, asking her to come over. She knocked and waited for her mother to appear behind the glass door.

‘Dad?' He
never
answered the door. She looked at him suspiciously. ‘Everything all right? What's going on?' She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

He shrugged, not knowing quite what to say. ‘Your mother… um…'

‘My mother what?'

‘A letter. She's had… a letter.'

‘A letter? Saying what?' Wondering what it was all about, she walked past him into the house. At the kitchen table sat her mother, still in her dressing gown, a mug of tea in front of her. She didn't look up.