Friends Like Us (35 page)

‘Yeah, but you and Melissa hang a lot, don't you?'

‘Not really,' he said.

‘But you do… you said before that you do.' She took a sip of her wine. ‘God, this stuff is terrible, she said. ‘Walter swore to me that it was a German Kombucha. But this is definitely wine.'

‘Is it? Right…' he said vaguely. Oh no. He was going to be rumbled and his chance of happiness with this amazing woman, and probably the only chance he was ever going to get, would disappear. ‘Nah,' he said. ‘Me and Melissa haven't seen each other for ages.'

‘But the two of you seem very comfortable together. You were laughing when I came back. You seemed very friendly. Close.' She was looking at him.

‘Yeah, we are. Kind of. But nothing romantic, if that's what you're wondering. Ha! The very idea. The thing is,' he said, ‘the thing is that Melissa is gay. She's gay, anyway, so…'

‘Really?' Erica looked at him as though she didn't believe him.

‘Some more wine?' he said quickly. ‘Or shall I see if there is anything like Coke?'

‘Coke?' Her eyeballs almost popped out of her head. ‘I'll have a water.'

This was worth it, he thought as he went to find a drink for Erica, the lying, the denying, all of it was worth it just to move on with his life. But he kept thinking of Melissa. He hoped she'd got home safely.

She was sure it was dangerous to drive when your eyes were obscured by tears. She felt like crashing the Mercedes into a wall or speeding along the Rock Road in the bus lane.

What on earth were they going to do without her mother? Life was going to be impossible without her. How was Steph going to cope? Her father? Rachel? It was unimaginable. She kept trying to think but there were no answers

When she arrived home, she called Rick and told him what was going on.

‘Mam is dying,' she said, she heard her voice wobble so she cleared her throat. That wasn't actually the point of the conversation and she couldn't allow herself to think about her mother, not right now. She still couldn't and didn't believe it, so she concentrated on Rachel. Something she should have done months ago.

‘I'm sorry to hear that,' he said, stiffly. ‘If there's anything I can do.' He sounded slightly awkward, as though he was playing a role.

‘I'll deal with it,' said Steph. ‘But you've got to be more involved with Rachel. We might be splitting up but you are going to have to focus your time. She needs you, Rick. Go and see her play hockey. Okay? She needs her dad… and now with mum…'

‘But you've always been so close,' he excused himself. ‘I didn't think she needed me as well.' He was being nice to her because of Nuala, she thought. Well, he should have been a bit nicer in the long years of their marriage. Oh well. Just be nice to Rachel, she thought. She's all you have left.

‘Of course she does,' she said. ‘Girls need their dads and you're her dad.' Talk about stating the obvious but Rick's interpersonal skills weren't impressive and he needed it spelling out. Just up your game, Rick. Okay? She felt like saying but didn't. Up your bloody game in everything. But she felt braver these days and he seemed distant, as though he didn't feel he had power over anymore. She'd always felt a bit scared of him, and now she felt nothing. She was too busy thinking of Nuala. The thought that she wouldn't be around was horrifying.

‘I'm nearly home,' he said. ‘I'm on the train, anyway, so I'll see you soon. We can talk about it later.'

Just as she put the phone down, she heard Rachel's key in the door and rushed out to meet her.

‘I'm going to my room.' Rachel spoke before Steph could get a word in.

‘No,' Steph said. ‘No, come and sit down. I need to talk to you.'

She must have looked different or spoke in a way that made Rachel realize something was up.

‘Granny?' whispered Rachel, her eyes wide with fear.

Steph nodded, but for a moment she didn't know what to say, or rather, where to even begin. She led Rachel into the kitchen and they sat opposite each other at the table. Steph took Rachel's hand.

‘Um… listen, Rach, Granny is…' She stopped and focussed. ‘Granny's not going to get better.'

‘What? What do you mean?'

‘I spoke to her doctor today,' Steph was managing to control herself. ‘He said that there is no hope… unfortunately. Do you understand what that means?'

Rachel nodded, blinking back tears, just as Steph herself had done in the hospital talking to Nuala.

‘However,' said Steph, trying to stop herself from crying, ‘we have time to say goodbye. Lots of people lose their loved ones suddenly and without warning and we… we've got time. Not much but enough to say goodbye properly.'

Rachel began to sob and Steph threw her arms around her.

‘Oh Rach! It's the worst, isn't it…? It's the worst thing ever. I know, I know… but we are going to do what we need to do and we are going to get through this. You and me. I promise.'

Eventually, Rachel's heaving sobs began to slow down and calm.

‘I think we should go and see her, straight away, what do you think?'

Rachel nodded.

‘Now listen, Granddad is pretending it's not true, he's in denial, I think. He's saying that Granny is coming home soon. I mean she is coming home, I think, but to… to die.' The starkness of her own words shocked her.

‘Oh no…' Rachel began crying again.

‘I'm sorry,' Steph said. ‘I don't know how to make this better.'

‘You can't,' said Rachel. ‘No one can.' Steph looked at her beautiful face, tear-stained, her mascara – which, although it was the least of her worries, she should not have been wearing to school – all smudged.

‘Everything else is fixable, isn't it?' said Steph. ‘Everything else in your life you can control by decisions you make, but dying, that decision is made for you.'

‘Oh Mum…' Rachel sobbed.

‘And all those decisions I should have made, I didn't. And now I wish I had the luxury of deciding things and I can't.' She looked at Rachel, meaningfully. ‘I made a mistake not protecting you. And I am so, so sorry about that. You dad has made a mistake – and if he knew that he hurt you, then he would be so sorry. He loves you so much. You know that, don't you?'

Rachel shrugged her shoulders.

‘Don't you?' said Steph again.

Rachel nodded, reluctantly.

‘And you know how much I adore and love you, don't you heart-angel?' Steph used the name she used to called Rachel when she was little. She hadn't called her that for years.

Rachel nodded slowly. She knew.

‘Okay. We are going to sort this out, myself and your dad. I promise you. I am not going to be the pathetic weakling you take me for. Time to find my superhero costume. An old leotard will do and a blanket. I'll be right back.' Steph pretended to twirl around and hung a tea towel across her shoulders.

Rachel
almost
laughed. ‘Mu-um.'

‘What? I'm just showing you that I can be strong. Would you prefer me to be a “doormat” again?' She smiled at Rachel. ‘I've let a few things go wrong – eye off the ball and all that – but I'm going to sort them out. I promise.'

‘Okay.' Rachel wiped her nose with her sleeve.

‘And most importantly, you have to know that whatever happens between me and your dad, you are our priority. We love you more than anything else in the world. Okay?'

‘Are you going to get divorced?'

‘How would you feel about that?'

‘Sad, I guess. But it would be better. Much better than living like this. And you'd be happier, wouldn't you?'

‘Yes, I would,' admitted Steph. She pushed Rachel's hair away from her lovely face. As she looked into her eyes, she saw the look of her mother, the same pale grey eyes. Nuala. The thought of her made her stop. ‘Okay, Heart-angel? I'm going to be right here, for you. We'll get through this, all of it together. I promise.'

Rachel nodded and squeezed Steph's hand. ‘Mum?'

‘Yes?'

‘Sorry for calling you those names.'

‘That's okay. I deserved it.'

‘You're not an imbecile.'

‘Well, that's good to know.'

I'm going to have to be strong, she thought, for Rachel, for Mam, for me. I am going to have to be super-powered.

They heard Rick coming in the front door. Right, she thought, it's probably not a good idea to talk about the divorce this evening, just as Rachel is reeling from news that her grandmother is dying. We'll talk about it another time. When she's recovered from this shock.

‘Rachel?' he called. ‘Steph?'

‘In here,' Steph replied.

He walked into the kitchen.

‘So,' said Rachel, immediately, wiping her eyes with her the back of her hands. ‘When are you going to get divorced because sooner might be better than later. I'm dealing with a lot of shit at the moment and it might be better if we just got it done.'

Rick looked at Rachel, amazed at her precocity. ‘Yeah,' he said, looking at Steph. ‘Your mum and I think it's for the best. That we'd all be happier that way.'

‘Good,' said Rachel. ‘Because it has been a nightmare.'

Rick said nothing.

‘And you know Granny's dying, don't you?' said Rachel, getting angry. ‘Which is pretty shit, as well, you know.'

‘I know,' he said. Rick was a large man but he seemed smaller somehow with Rachel. He wasn't like that with Steph.

‘And you've been having an affair,' she said. With Miriam. That's nice, isn't it? That's nice for Mum. And for me.'

‘Your mum and I have talked about this,' he said. ‘This is between her and me.'

Rachel raised her eyebrow.

‘Let's leave it Rachel,' said Steph. ‘Dad's right. It's for us to discuss.'

‘Have you said sorry?' said Rachel, ignoring Steph. ‘You owe her an apology.'

‘I've said I'm sorry.'

‘Well, once is not enough, Dad,' said Rachel. ‘You had better show you're sorry.'

‘I'm sorry, okay?' he said. ‘Really, really sorry. Hands up. I'm sorry I let you down, Rach. And sorry Steph. Terrible father, terrible husband. Guilty as charged.' He was looking at Rachel, hoping she might take pity on him.

‘So, when are you going?'

‘When it suits your mum.' He looked at Steph. ‘You know, with your Granny and everything,' he said to Rachel, ‘things are complicated.'

Steph nodded. ‘We'll get through this, Rach. Dad is going to be really close by, so you can see him all the time.'

‘Well, it's not like he's around much anyway, so it'll probably not make much difference,' said Rachel, but she was crying now, tears streaming down her cheeks.

‘Oh Rach,' said Steph, who put her arms around her and let her cry.

Rick stood there helplessly, not knowing what to do. He went off to the fridge. He's not getting beer, is he, thought Steph. At a moment like this?

It was a bar of Galaxy chocolate, Rachel's favourite. He pushed it towards her, across the table. At least he was trying. On the pathetic side, but it was at least an attempt at caring. He loves her, thought Steph. And she loves him. We're going to be all right.

‘Chocolate?' said Rachel, contemptuously, when she came up for air. ‘And that's going to make things better, is it?' She knew, though, that it was his tortured, dysfunctional way of saying that he loved her.

Rick shrugged. ‘No… I just thought…'

Rachel picked it up and snapped off a piece and popped it in her mouth.

‘Want some?'

Rick took a piece and then so did Steph.

‘Life is horrible, isn't it?' said Rachel. ‘Is this what growing up is? Life gets horribler and horribler and then you die.'

‘No, not at all,' said Steph. ‘Life is wonderful, it's just a mixture of everything, you just have to learn how to steer yourself through the horrible parts. It's just sometimes you get the engine caught in weeds and you get a bit stuck.'

‘I have no idea what you're saying,' said Rachel. But Steph knew she did.

Steph looked at her watch. ‘Come on,' she said. ‘Let's go and see Granny. Visiting is over in an hour.'

They left Rick at home and the two ran, hand in hand, to the car to go and see Nuala.

Melissa picked Eilis up in the Beetle before Nuala's party and they drove to the pier and walked to the very end, looking out to sea. There were still some decisions to be made about the reunion which was getting closer. They had received most of the RSVPs, but there were a few stragglers who had yet to respond. Melissa and Eilis had taken over the organizing from Steph, as she was so busy with Nuala, and arranging this party.

‘Do we do name badges?' wondered Eilis. ‘Will everyone be recognizable?'

‘I suppose no one changes totally,' said Melissa. ‘We'll recognize everyone, I'm sure. We are just older versions of ourselves. Like some Hollywood make-up genius has decorated us with wrinkles and put us in boring clothes.'

‘Better than a bottle-green school uniform.'

‘Totally. I still can't bring myself to wear anything green.'

There were yachts in the harbour, the hardier sailors, the ones trying to continue the season for as long as possible, were tacking across the bay. She thought of Cormac and the last time she was here was with him.

‘Rob's gone,' said Eilis, as they began walking. ‘I haven't told anyone because I thought he might come back, but he's gone and he won't talk to me.'

‘What? Oh my God.' Another woman? She thought. Not him as well!

‘He just left and won't take my calls, nothing. Won't discuss it or explain.'

‘What do you think is going on?'