Friends With Multiple Benefits (29 page)

"Geez, okay." Brian climbed out of the car then grumbled, "Thanks for the ride." He adjusted the cushions in front and back of him and started walking up the street.

Zach rolled down the window and shined his flashlight on Brian. "Hey, aren't those Amanda Jo's cushions?"

Turning back to them, Brian shrugged. "Well, technically."

"I can't let you keep stolen property."

Brian broke into a laugh. "That's a good one. Thanks again officers."

"I'm serious."

"How about I return them to the station later?"

"No can do chief." Zach motioned to the back of the car. "Drop them in the trunk."

Owen popped the trunk and Brian's face sank as he walked to the back of the patrol car, placed the cushions inside, and shut the lid. He returned to the sidewalk and covered his groin with his hands.

Zach said, "Brian, do me a favor and put your hands up one more time?"

"Why?"

"Just do it and we'll let you go."

Brian raised his hands and Zach shined the flashlight on Brian's private area. "Hey, buddy, you sure about that Amanda Jo story? You look a little, I don't know, challenged down there to be attracting one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood."

The officers burst into laughter and Brian covered his groin.

When the two finally quieted down, Brian shot them a look. "Funny and for your information I'm a grower."

Zach said, "I would hope so."

Owen hit the gas and made a U-turn as the pair resumed their laughter.

As he watched the car speed away, Brian grumbled, "Bastards!"

In the mostly dry comfort of the Wilde-Nash home, Victoria mopped up the half inch of water from her master bathroom floor while Jim searched for the proper breaker to turn off power to the basement lights. When he returned to the first
floor,
he found his parents, obviously drunk and giggling together on the sofa in the living room. They were dressed in his and his wife's fluffy
bathrobes
. He rolled his eyes and joined his wife in the bathroom.

Kneeling on the floor, she let out a long, slow breath. "I think I got most of it in here. What's going on downstairs?"

"You don't want to know."

"Tell me."

"Well, it looks like we'll need a couple sheets of drywall replaced and maybe a new light."

Exasperated, she fell back onto her rear end and tossed the wet towel she was holding into the bathtub. "What are they doing now? If you tell me they're screwing on our kitchen island I'm going to go ape shit. I'm serious. I'll be grabbing the big kitchen knife."

"Um, did you tell them they could wear our robes?"

"No, I didn't." She scoffed. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

He replied in a tired
voice, "I'm
not. Right
now
they're cuddling on the sofa. And I can only assume that they are bare ass naked under our good robes."

She sighed then looked to the ceiling seemingly with the gears turning in her head. "What's the weather like outside?"

"It's letting up a little."

"If I don't get out of here I'm going to have an
aneurysm
." She gave him a hopeful look.

"How dangerous can it really be?" He shrugged. "I mean, really."

After making the two-block walk unscathed, Brian snuck onto the porch then looked behind him at the darkened and empty street. He tried the doorknob and it, of course, was locked. Cringing, he knocked softly then waited. He was dreading the explanation he would need to deliver. He didn't even know where to start.

He looked through the sidelight glass and didn't see anything so after twenty seconds he knocked again, but this time a little louder. Soon, he spotted the beam of a flashlight traveling up the hallway from the kitchen area. He put on a smile just as the light blasted him in the face. He shielded his eyes.

Jillian pulled open the door. "Brian, what happened to—" Her gaze traveled down his naked body and her jaw dropped open. "Where are your clothes?"

"I, uh, well…"

"Where the hell have you been? I was worried to death."

He entered the foyer and sighed. "I'll explain, but could I please get some clothes on first? I'm freezing."

A few minutes later the reunited married couple sat in the family room each sipping a cup of tea with Brian now dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt. The house had a small generator which only powered the refrigerator and a few outlets in the kitchen. It took about fifteen minutes to recount the entire story of the storm, his kidnapping, the live sex show, and his escape. Jillian hung on his every word. When he was done, Brian shrugged with his palms lifted. "Yep, that's how it happened."

"Oh my God. That's horrible. She swore that she would leave you alone." She put down her mug and scoffed. "She's married now."

"They're getting a divorce."

"I'm going to kill that bitch."

"No, you're not." He put his arm around her. "I think we just need to find a plausible way to get me dismissed as her coach."

"Yeah…" she widened her
eyes, "…
when
I kill
her,
you will be dismissed."

"Okay, probably, but you'll also go to jail and I really can't take care of those adorable monsters all by myself."

"Adorable monsters." She looked at him, insulted.

He shrugged and gave her an apologetic look.

"You're right, they are monsters, but they're cute. So I won't kill her, but I will talk to her about it."

"Maybe you should have one of the other producers do it." He gave her a hesitant look. "You're upset and it might be better for everyone if you have someone else do it."

"No, I want to handle it myself."

There was a knock on the door and they shared a look. Jillian rose to her feet. "If that's her now, I will kill her."

Brian followed her and they spotted Victoria through the sidelight. When they opened the
door
they saw Jim was
behind
her holding Kaylie.

"What are you guys doing here?" Jillian asked.

"We had to get away from those two." Victoria stormed through the door.

"Who?"

"Our husbands' wonderful parents! That's who."

"What's going on? Are they fighting again?" Jillian asked.

"No, the complete opposite. They are having sex. All kinds of sex. Everywhere. They're drinking and acting like two silly, sex-crazed teenagers. I've never seen anything like it. They ruined my favorite blanket then they took a bath or did God knows what together in our tub and now there's water leaking into the basement."

"Holy crap," Jillian said.

Brian said, "I guess the lesson here
is
do
n't
be such a good therapist."

"Yeah…" Victoria frowned. "Thank God the storm cleared out enough for us to get the hell out of there. I was about to lose it and I never lose it."

"Wow, that sounds awful," Brian said as he fought to hold back a laugh.

"It's not funny. We just had the bathroom remodeled."

"No, you're right it's not funny." Brian curled his lip. "But better they're destroying your house rather than ours."

Victoria sighed. "You try to help people and this is how they repay you."

"I'll call our contractor tomorrow. Don't worry, I'm sure they can fix it pretty quickly," Jim said.

"You don't get to pick your parents." Frowning, Jillian shook her head. Then her frown disappeared when she noticed Kaylie sleeping on Jim's shoulder. "She's adorable."

"She is." Victoria brushed a lock of Kaylie's hair from her face.

Jim kissed her on the forehead then asked, "Can I put her down somewhere?"

"Use our room," Jillian replied.

Jim headed off with his daughter while Victoria,
Jillian,
and Brian made their way to the great room. Sitting in the candle lit room, Victoria gave them a hesitant smile. "Do you think Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel could bunk up with you guys for a while? Just until we get the ceiling repaired in the basement."

"No way in hell." Jillian shook her head. "Bev really doesn't like me and I'm pretty sure if I smelled the scent of old people sex wafting through my house I would projectile vomit again."

Victoria shrugged. "I figured it was worth a try."

"Anyway, we've sort of have our own
mini-crisis
going on over here." Jillian made a face. "Guess who was running around outside naked again?"

Jim returned to the room just in time. "No way. Again!"

"I can't say that I'm at all surprised," Victoria began. "But what happened now?"

"It's really not his fault. They were evacuating the set because of the storm and he got a ride with Amanda. The driver was supposed to bring him home after he dropped off The She Bitch, but they had…" Jillian made quote marks with her
fingers, "…
car trouble
and he ended up at Amanda's house."

"Yeah, then what?"

Brian said, "We were soaked from the rain and a car was supposed to come back for me, but it never did. So I was freezing and I took a shower, but when I got out I found Amanda and her assistant making out in her bedroom. They were blocking the door."

Jim scoffed. "Hold on. You saw Amanda and some other woman kissing?"

"Yeah, that and some
other
stuff. I locked myself in the bathroom and escaped off the balcony. I fell and almost broke my neck."

"Wait, what about your emergency shorts?" Jim asked while holding back a smile.

"Um, evidently my master plan still has a few holes in it," Brian admitted.

"Evidently."

Victoria shook her head. "So, how'd you get home?"

"Your police friends Owen and Zach. They didn't really believe my story at first. They thought I was a pervert."

"I could see that." Jim frowned.

"
Thanks,
buddy. They were going to take me down to the station but once again, I played the Victoria card and they drove me home."

"It's good to know people in high places," Victoria said smugly.

"Tell me about it."

Gazing at Brian, Victoria cringed. "God, Amanda is really obsessed with him."

"I know." Jillian shook her head. "It's weird."

A slight smile appeared on Brian's face and he turned away.

Jillian glared at him. "What?"

"Nothing."

"You're actually enjoying this attention aren't you?"

"What?" He raised his palms and made a face. "No."

"You enjoyed your little two celebrity sex show didn't you?" Jillian folded her arms.

"Well, technically the other woman was not a celebrity. She was a
runner-up
Miss Argentina."

"Okay…" Jillian rolled her eyes. "I'm at home with your two babies and you're off enjoying yourself with two women."

"Um, no, I had to escape and almost died. I was humiliated once again in front of the police." He motioned to his
midsection
. "They made fun of
my
, um, my, you know."

Jillian looked at him like he was out his mind. "No, we don't know."

"They took my cushions and made me walk home naked the last two blocks. You know I'm, let's say…" he made quote marks with his
fingers, "…
show
challenged, and they made fun of me. It was very traumatizing."

"Your penis?" Jillian cringed. "That's what they made fun of?"

"Yes, I have P.T.S.D." He shrugged. "Penis Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"P.T.S.D?" Jillian repeated and she shared a look with her best friend.

"Yes, he's very sensitive to both the cold and… and law enforcement… really any type of authority figure in general." Brian folded his arms, defensively. "He's definitely not his best in those situations."

Jillian scoffed. "You've got some crazy woman stalking you and you're worried about the impression your flaccid penis is making on people."

"No. I mean, Yes… I'm just getting a little sick of people acting like there is no way someone like Amanda Joseph would be attracted to me—because obviously she is."

"Great, if you want Amanda so badly why don't you take your challenged penis and go back to her house." Rising from the sofa, Jillian headed out of the room.

"Wait, you're not getting what I'm saying." Brian sighed. "Jillian, I…"

Victoria shook her head. "Good work, Bri."

"Oh, don't start with me." He closed his eyes then took a deep breath. "Why don't you guys head back home to the
Playboy mansion grotto
and let me try to talk to her."

"Do we have to?" Jim whined.

"I'm afraid so."