Friends With Multiple Benefits (33 page)

"About what?"

"Stopping her. She's trying to sleep with your husband. She's trying to ruin your career and your TV show."

"I don't know." Jillian shrugged. "I could talk to the network."

"They love her and she'll just deny it." Victoria wore an evil smile. "I have an idea."

"I don't think I want to hear this," Jillian grumbled.

"No, this is good."

"All right, let's hear it." Brushing, the hair out of her face, Jillian sighed.

"Okay." Victoria moved to the edge of her seat. "Have any of you read
Gone Girl
?"

Jim and Brian shook their heads. Brian said, "That's a chick book."

"I read
it.
" Jillian replied hesitantly. "Don't tell me you want to kill her."

"No, better." Victoria raised an eyebrow. "We get Brian to move in with her and start dating her and—"

"No, come on."

"Just listen. He keeps a secret diary and records
a pattern
of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of
the crazy
bitch." Jim, Brian, and Jillian all looked at her like she was out of her mind as she continued, "Then when we have enough diary entries to properly frame her, we leave some of Brian's blood behind. We stage the crime scene and he disappears. It's perfect." Victoria looked at the three of them with her eyes wide, waiting.

"And how long does all this take?" Jillian asked, frowning.

"A couple weeks, maybe a month, tops."

"So, let me get this straight…" Jillian lifted her palms in the air. "You want me to let my husband move in and have sex with Amanda for a month."

"Yes, just while we craft the diary and lay the groundwork for his…" Victoria made quote marks with her
fingers, "…
murder
."

"You know, that's not the worst plan in the world," Brian said, his words trailing off sheepishly.

"Shut up Jodi…" Jillian began with a snarl. "Before I have
rough
sex with you again."

"Hey, rape is nothing to joke about."

"Um, yeah, when we're talking about
an
actual
rape." Jillian scoffed. "You should be ashamed of yourself playing the
rape
card in your situation."

"Okay, you're right, but the penis is not indestructible, you know. It can break." Brian gazed around the room, seemingly for support. He only found a friendly face in his brother.

"He's right.
Those woman-
on-top positions can sometimes be scary. This one time—" Jim
cut off
his thought when he noticed his wife glaring at him.

"Anyway…" Victoria turned to her
friend, "…
what do you think?"

"What do I think?" Wearing a confused expression, Jillian shook her head quickly. "About what!"

"The fake murder plan," Victoria said in an exhausted voice.

"Oh, yeah, um, how long would you say Brian would need to lay low after his supposed disappearance?"

"Twelve, maybe eighteen months at the most."

"Uh-huh."

"You know, you need time for the investigation and the trial and all that," Victoria replied casually.

"Okay." Jillian stared back at her with an unreadable expression.

"So Jillian, are you in?"

"I don't know." Jillian shot Jim and Brian a crazy-eyed look then returned her attention to the mastermind. "Is it just me or does all this seem a tad extreme."

Victoria replied, "She's already taken this to another level and I really think you need to think outside the box here and fight fire with fire."

Jillian opened her mouth to speak, but had nothing.
Instead
she paused a moment, took a deep breath, then began, "While there are parts of your plan that I like. There are some definite drawbacks."

Victoria said, "Okay, maybe we can change some of the details like—"

"No, let's not spend any more time going through that. For now, let's just put a pin in this and we'll call it plan B."

With the wind pulled from her sails, Victoria sulked, disappointed. "Okay."

"I think I'm just going to have a talk with her and explain. I'll tell her that I didn't realize that I stole Jeffery from her and that I never really called her AmanDumbo."

"Good luck with that," Victoria grumbled.

"So, what the hell is in the envelope?" Brian asked with an edge to his voice. "You never opened it."

"Oh, it's just the email I printed from my contact at C.A.A." Victoria shrugged.
"I told you everything. It just felt cool to bring it over in an envelope."

Brian and Jillian shared a look then the four sat around in awkward silence for about thirty seconds before the attractive spy and her young husband got the message. Apparently it was time to leave so the foot rub could lead to a calf rub
then, hopefully,
wind up in full body land.

The next
morning, Jillian headed to the studio to find Amanda. She knocked on her dressing room door and there was no answer. After speaking with one of the production assistants, she found out that Amanda's call time wasn't until noon that day.

Jillian headed down the hall to her office and began reading scripts. About an hour later she walked into the bathroom and slipped into one of the stalls. Suddenly the door opened and she heard footsteps on the hard tile floor. As Jillian tore off a piece of toilet paper, a phone rang followed by a brisk shrill voice saying, "Where the hell have you been?"

Leaning forward, Jillian peered through the gap next to the door.

Amanda was bent over the sink, studying her face in the mirror, with the phone to her ear. "Andrew, next time I call, you pick up. I want out of this, this, whatever the hell this is!"

Jillian quietly moved back and held still.

"I want that movie… What? Why? … I don't give a shit about the contract. Just get me out… Uh-huh… Yeah… You want to know what's… Hold on."

Jillian heard footsteps and what sounded like Amanda bending over to look under one of the four stalls. She took two careful steps backward and stood near the wall.

After another few seconds Amanda began
again, "I'll
tell you what's going on. It's that Jillian Grayson and her husband they… No, things are not getting better… Look that cow and her dork of a husband are ruining this show."

Jillian's mouth dropped open.

"He's coming on to me… I know I asked for him to be my trainer, but… Just get me out of this contract. There has to be something you can do. She's incompetent. The scripts are awful and he's, he's… like a sexual predator."

Cringing in disbelief, Jillian gave Amanda the finger from behind the stall door.

"What do you mean if I pull out I don't get paid? I didn't sign that… They would never sue me." Amanda sighed. "Well… well
then
I'll take this
show down
myself. When I'm done, the studio will be begging me to step away and… and they'll be buying me out of my contract… No. No, I… fuck you Andrew."

After letting out a loud grunt, Amanda tossed her phone into her purse, ripped open the door and stormed away.

Jillian drove straight to Victoria's and headed to her office. Finding her feisty friend behind her desk typing on the computer, she knocked on the open door. "You don't have any clients coming in do you?"

"Jillian," Victoria replied

She took a step into the room. "Don't tell me you have a guy with two penises and four balls or anything like that?"

"No." Victoria smiled. "Genital freak show day isn't until Wednesday."

Jillian raised her eyebrows. "I'll bet you've actually thought about having a day like that."

"No comment." Victoria looked at her calendar. "No, I'm open until three. What's up?"

Jillian plopped in a chair. "Let's take down that bitch."

"You're in." Victoria's eyes brightened.

"I'm in."

Victoria returned her attention to her computer screen and grabbed the mouse. "Great, I've already crafted a few diary entries and—"

"Noooah," Jillian grumbled then she exhaled deeply. "Not the idiotic
Gone Girl
diary thing. Let's come up with some way to get her that doesn't involve, I don't know, lying to the police
and,
um, making my husband disappear for a couple of years."

"Oh…" Victoria's face sank. "So, I take it the talk didn't go very well."

"There was no talk. I overheard her on the phone with her… I guess it was her agent or manager. She's trying to destroy the show. She called me a cow and Brian a dork."

"He is a little dorky." Victoria shrugged, apologetically.

"He's not." Jillian frowned.

"I mean, just a little."

"Yeah, but she can't call him that. Only I can call him that."

"That's right." Victoria nodded in support. "She can't."

"I'm not going to let her ruin my show."

"Yeah, we've got to stop her." Narrowing her eyes, Victoria tapped her finger to her lips. "Let me just read you one of my diary entries and see—"

"Geez, would you get off the damn diary thing! Is there a guy on the planet who keeps a diary?"

"I guess you have a point."

"Yeah…" Jillian rolled her
eyes, "…
and I think we can find some other way to make this work."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Celebrities destroy their careers all the time."

After pausing a moment, Victoria's eyes lit up and she gasped. "I've got it." She clicked the mouse and repeated the words as she typed, "Celebrities that have ruined their careers."

"What are you doing?"

"Googling it." Glancing to her friend, Victoria shrugged. "How the hell did we ever survive before Google?"

"I don't know." Rising to her feet, Jillian moved behind Victoria and studied the screen. "Oh, click on… that one. Yeah, '25
Celebrities
Who Ruined Their Careers.'"

On
screen
an image appeared of a person with lots of makeup, sporting a mustache and wearing a bright purple suit and hat. Victoria scoffed. "Who the hell is that?"

"I think it's…" Jillian pulled up a
chair, "…
Ellen dressed as a man."

"No…" Victoria scrolled down. "Wait, it's Boy George."

"Oh, my God. It is. I loved some of his songs."

"Me too. Let's see what he did." She paused a moment to read. "Drug addiction and legal troubles."

"I don't think she does drugs."

"We could get her hooked." Turning to Jillian, Victoria gave her a hopeful look.

"On what?" Jillian asked. "All you have is
pot
."

"Yeah, you're right. Okay, who's next?" Victoria scrolled down further. "Um, Michael Jackson… No… Axl Rose, Justin Bieber, no. Okay, here we go. Courtney Love."

"What'd she do?"

"Drug problems and a lot of people blame her for Kurt Cobain's suicide."

Jillian cringed. "That doesn't really—"

"What if we got Amanda to date someone that everyone loves, like… uh, like…"

"Oh, like Tom Hanks." Jillian's eyes lit up.

"Okay, yeah then if Tom kills himself she's toast."

"I think he's already married."

"Even better. She steals him away then he…" Victoria raised her eyebrows. "It's perfect."

Shaking her head, Jillian frowned. "Yeah, but that would probably take a lot of time and even though she's a complete nightmare I'm sure there is no guarantee that he would kill himself over her."

"You're probably right." Returning her attention to the screen, Victoria curled her lip. "Let's see. Um, Anna Nicole Smith… drugs. Tiger Woods, sex
addiction
. Um, that's an interesting one, but that would probably just make her more popular."

"I know, right. Men…" Jillian rolled her eyes and then clicked her teeth.

"Britney Spears," Victoria began excitedly. "Do you think we could get Amanda to shave her head, adopt a baby, and lock it inside her house?"

Jillian chuckled. "What the heck did she
do
?"

"She was supposed to turn the kids over to her husband's bodyguard, but she locked herself in a room with one of the
kids
instead."

"Weird," Jillian began. "But again that would take too much time."

"Okay, we have lots more here. Um…" Victoria scrolled down the screen. "Okay, how about Charlie Sheen?" She paused for a few moments to read. "If we could get her to say lots of crazy crap, do tons of drugs, live with porn stars, and call them her
goddesses
then that might do it."

"No."

"Mel Gibson, um, he had his anti-Semitic remarks and he's a drunk and they also have him on tape screaming crazy shit to his wife."