From Comfortable Distances (54 page)

“Finally. I’ve been
waiting for you for over fifteen minutes,” Lyla said. She was walking in small
circles at the corner of Dakota Place and 66
^th
street, directly
across the street from Tess’s house, well positioned so that she was blocked
out of view by a tree.

“It’s cold out here,” she
added.

“I didn’t know that we
were meeting,” Tess said, the wind brisk and harsh on her face, her eyes
tearing. She adjusted her scarf so that all the nooks of her neck were covered.
Snow loomed from the white-grey sky.

“You could have rung my
doorbell and come inside if you were out here,” Tess said.

“You’ve been avoiding me,”
Lyla said.

“That’s not the case,”
Tess said.

“You’ve been taking
different routes on your walks the last few weeks. Don’t think I didn’t see you
strolling around the neighborhood,” Lyla said.

“If you saw me and wanted
to walk with me, you could have very easily have joined me or called me to meet
you or whatever it is that most people would have done so that we could meet
up,” Tess said.

“I’m not most people,”
Lyla said, her feet moving quickly, her arms flapping at her sides as if she
were gaining momentum to take off in her black bubble coat and her red ski
gloves with matching red ski cap pulled down over her ears.

“When I didn’t hear from
you, I didn’t think that you were interested in walking with me,” Tess said. “But
I wasn’t intentionally taking different routes—I was just living my life.”

“You sound like a fifth
grader.
I didn’t think you were interested in walking with me
,” Lyla
said, mimicking Tess so that Tess didn’t know if she should laugh or wring her
neck.

“I came out for a walk.
The cold is punishment enough, Lyla. I thought that we were past this. I
thought,” Tess said, stumbling over her words, “that we had become friends.”

“When someone purposely
avoids another for weeks, friendship isn’t the word that comes to mind,” Lyla
said.

Tess was about to
respond, defend herself again, but Lyla had paused in front of a three-story
mansion full of Christmas decorations—flashing white lights on each of the
towering evergreen trees and a sleigh on the roof, complete with reindeer and
Santa sitting at the reins, and a glass enclosed garage with the title
Santa’s
Workshop
above it filled with mechanical elves that bent down, and hustled
left and right, passing wrapped gift boxes to one another. At some point Tess
had stopped, too, and stood a few feet away from Lyla as she took it all in.

“It’s hard to imagine
Christmas is only a few weeks away,” Lyla said. “Time goes so quickly.”

They were moving again.
Each house seemed to outdo the others with its gaudy and over-the-top Christmas
decorations. There were ice skating snowmen on faux ice rinks and waving Santas
who bowed to passers-by and enough lights draped around some homes to
illuminate the Atlantic Ocean at night.

“If you were a Catholic,
you would understand what you’ve done. I remind myself of that sometimes. You
can’t know as you’re not a Catholic.”

“If you don’t mind, I
will be excusing myself from this walk,” Tess said. “I came out for some fresh
air, not for a lecture on all of my shortcomings according to Lyla Clay.”

“You will continue this
walk with me,” Lyla said.

It was more of a
statement than a threat. Tess quickened her pace to build up some heat. She
could turn around, leave, head back home, but something in her wanted to hear
what Lyla had to say. Her hands and feet tingled so that she had to keep making
a fist and releasing it quickly to keep her fingers from freezing up. It was
hard to imagine that a few months back everything in Tess’s life had been
different—she had worked hard, lived a relatively quiet life. She never had to
deal with the biting cold gnawing at her on a morning walk, because there
hadn’t been any morning walks, not to mention older women who berated her.

“You should never have
divorced Michael,” Lyla said. They were in a groove now, their breath creating
tiny clouds before them. “He’s fun, easy to be around, interested, interesting.”

“I would be thrilled to
set you up with him,” Tess said.

“He’s of the same world
you are,” Lyla said. “Like belongs with like.”

“I’m glad that you have
it all figured out, but let me help you with a key fact: I didn’t love him like
that,” Tess said.

“Love,” Lyla said. “Love
has nothing to do with anything. No one even knows what love is. We love the
Lord, we don’t love other people. We enjoy them, we talk to them. Are you going
to tell me that you love Neal?” Lyla said.

“Why don’t you ask Neal
how he feels? Why are you always making this about me?” Tess asked.

“Neal is as naïve as a
young boy. Before you, he was a virgin. He doesn’t know how he feels; he’s
confused right now,” Tess said.

“I enjoy when you accuse
me of corrupting Neal,” Tess said. “Let me remind you that he left the
monastery of his own free will. He didn’t even know I existed back then. He
debated it for months and then he left and meeting me was a consequence, not
the catalyst,” Tess said.

“If it weren’t for you—”
Lyla said.

Tess stopped and faced
Lyla.

“What? If it weren’t for
me, what? Neal would be back at the monastery? Neal is free to do as he
pleases,” Tess said. “Let go of that nonsense that you’ve planted in your brain
of me keeping him prisoner already. I’m living my life. I don’t control Neal.
You do that,” Tess said.

They walked on in
silence, crossing 66
^th
street, which was free of traffic in the
early morning hour, and made their way down Basset walk. Tess’s stride
hastened, as she was sheltered from the wind by the trees on both sides of her.
The walk was narrow enough that they had to walk single file and when Tess
looked back, Lyla was a few feet behind her. Tess couldn’t tell if she was
keeping her distance on purpose or if she couldn’t keep up.

“You’re a mother, too,”
Lyla said when they were in stride again. “You threw that comment at me once,
if you remember. So while you pretend not to understand my concern, I believe
that you do see my point of view and would do the same.”

“My son is a grown man,”
Tess said. “He makes his own decisions and I accept them whatever they are.”

“I don’t believe that,”
Lyla said. “While your son is thousands of miles away, it’s easy to preach that
grown-man stuff. But if he were here in Mill Basin with you and destroying his
life, I’d like to see you mind your business.”

She was too cold to argue
with Lyla any longer. Who was to say what one would do in a situation until one
was in it?

“Do you miss your
husband?” Tess asked.

Lyla was quiet for a few
moments so that Tess wasn’t sure if she’d heard her.

“Do you miss—”

“We lived our separate
lives,” Lyla said, her voice barely a whisper so that Tess had to slow her pace
and move closer to Lyla.

“Did he want Neal to go
to the monastery?” Tess said.

“We didn’t talk about it
much,” Lyla said. “It happened quickly—Neal started to feel that he should go and
then he visited with the monks for a bit and then he left. It wasn’t something
that we had planned for.”

“Did you want Neal to go?”
Tess said.

Lyla walked on in silence
again. They crossed Mayfair Drive North and moved towards 56
^th
Drive. Tess couldn’t tell if her body had acclimated to the cold now or if the
temperature had warmed up a bit. The morning dew was lifting and the sun began
to peep through the clouds. In the distance, she saw a runner making his way
down 66
^th
Street from 56
^th
Drive. Lyla must have seen the
runner too as she came to a halt, Tess stopping beside her.

“I suppose that I was
relieved when he decided that the monastery was for him,” Lyla said.

They were moving again,
in the direction that the runner had just left. Lyla was walking slower now and
Tess supposed it was to give the runner, who they both assumed to be Neal, time
to get ahead. They had yet to encounter him while they were out together. Tess
dabbed at her sniffling nose with a tissue she pulled from her coat pocket. Her
nostrils were raw to the touch.

“Relieved?” Tess said.

“That my job of raising
him was over,” Lyla said.

“He was 22. Your job
was
over,” Tess said.

“Not with Neal. He was
very young for his age, very innocent. He had never had a girlfriend you know,”
Lyla said. “He had never gone out with his friends as other boys his age did.
He was content to read, go to church. He kept to himself.”

“Surely if Neal hadn’t
joined the monastery he would have found his way,” Tess said.

“I think that he always
knew he was destined for a religious life although he may not have understood
that until he grew older,” Lyla said.

“He seems to have adapted
well to everything now,” Tess said.

“He’s had you in his
life. A worldly, wealthy woman to teach him.”

“I love how you think you
can sum me up in a few words without really knowing me. And don’t give me your
I
know you well
, junk. You don’t. My relationship with Neal is something that
happened – it’s no one’s fault,” Tess said.

“You let it happen even
once you knew he was a monk,” Lyla said. “That was your choice.”

“No one chooses who they
like. You just like certain people.”

“You could have stayed
away,” Lyla said.

“Did you ever ask him
what he wanted? Why he came back home?”

In the distance, Tess saw
a man running at the intersection of Mayfair Drive and Mill Avenue.

“He came back home
because he needed time to think. Which is what he would have done if you didn’t
come along.”

“If it were up to you,
you would have shipped him back to the monastery already,” Tess said.

“That’s where he belongs,”
Lyla said.

“Because you say so? Did
you confer with God and did He tell you ‘I want Neal back?’ Neal belongs
wherever he chooses to be. It’s his life. His decisions. You can’t send him
away because it’s easier for you to be alone. It has nothing to do with you,
Lyla.”

Tess started walking
again and after a few moments Lyla was beside her.

“I don’t hate you, Tess,”
Lyla said.

“I can’t keep up with
your mood swings, Lyla. We’re enemies, we’re friends. I don’t know what you
want from me,” Tess said.

“You’re so free and so
successful,” Lyla said.

“Lyla, my life has been
full of ups and downs and lots of my own induced messes. Just like anyone
else’s life. You can’t judge another person’s life on what you perceive it to
be,” Tess said.

“You have all these men
chasing you and this business to run,” Lyla said.

“None of that defines me.”

“If Neal were to spend
his life with a woman, I would want it be you. But Neal doesn’t belong with a
woman,” Lyla said.

Tess swallowed hard and
deep. This was a compliment. Lyla was paying her a compliment.

“It’s not for us to say
what Neal should or shouldn’t do,” Tess said. “When will you understand that?”

“Neal chose to be a man
of God. One cannot go back on that,” Lyla said.

“But he did, Lyla. He did
go back on it. And you know what? God seems to be okay with it because Neal
hasn’t been struck by lightning and the heavens haven’t parted and sent down a
rope ladder to take him back,” Tess said.

“Oh what do you know,
Tess? What do you know about God and right and wrong? You think you have all
the answers, but you don’t.”

“I don’t,” Tess said.

The evergreens on Barlow
drive were full of icicles, so that the weighted down branches looked tired,
heavy. They were a few feet away from Lyla’s home. The houses surrounding 56
Barlow Drive were decked with Christmas lights and the house next door to
Lyla’s had a menorah in the window. Lyla’s home had no decorations. Tess paused
in front of 56. Lyla took her house keys out from her pocket and dawdled by the
edge of the driveway with Tess.

“So much happens in a
lifetime,” Lyla said. Her eyes were on Tess now. “Dreams get lost and you just
become whatever you are even if it’s not what you planned on being. Your son
goes to a monastery, your husband dies, and then your son returns.”

“Nothing gets lost.
People leave us, but they don’t fully go away. Dreams get misplaced and it’s up
to you to uncover them. And sometimes what were once your dreams, no longer
are. So you assess what you want in life and create new dreams.”

“Is that what you tell
yourself?” Lyla said.

“That’s what I know,”
Tess said.

Their eyes lingered on
one another’s for a few moments before Lyla nodded with an uncharacteristically
faraway look in her eyes, and made her way up to her porch.