From My Heart (15 page)

“Are you okay, Bryn?” I heard Tyler ask as he walked over the gravel to where my back was against the brick of the building. I wasn’t sure what had me more shaken up: knowing my mother called me without a slew of insults besides my lifestyle choice, or the fact that she said, “I love you.”

My teary eyes shifted over to Tyler’s as he joined me against the wall, just inches from me. “Could be better,” I said in a near whisper, tears flowing freely down my cheek.

“No that’s not good enough,” he demanded. “What has you all bothered and crying?”

“My mom….she said she…loved me,” I responded in between sniffles, wiping my nose. “I haven’t heard those words from her in so long, Tyler. Let alone hear her sound better than a cruel wicked monster.” My arms covered me like a security blanket as I tried to hold back the other tears that wanted to come out.

Tyler stayed there and studied me as if he didn’t know what to do next. He stepped in front of me as close as he could get and took hold of my hands. He stood me up straighter and moved my hands around to the middle of his back, my fingers messing with the fabric of his shirt.

“Look at me,” he instructed, and I did, tipping my head one way so my bangs were out of my face, my eyes boring into his. “I of all people understand what a big deal that is for you, Bryn. Ethan told me what your parents were like towards you, and hearing your mom loves you is as big as finding out you won the Michigan jackpot.” His hands ran down the sides of my hair. “I just don’t like seeing you cry. You’re starting to become one of my best friends. I knew when you excused yourself that something was wrong, I just had one of those really bad feelings.”

“Thank you,” I managed to say, giving him a sad smile. There was nothing else I could think of to even say. I didn’t like how it seemed like Tyler had seen some of my worst moments so far on this tour. How he seemed to
want
to pick up the pieces when I was falling down. And then he had the pleasure in chewing out Cale for whatever reason. I didn’t like it, but at the same time it was comforting to have someone standing with me that wasn’t Gina or Bethany.

“Does he know I’m out here?”

“Yeah. But he’s practically passed out on the floor right now, so I thought I’d do what
he
should be doing and checking on
his
girlfriend.” Tyler’s expression darkened. “He keeps getting worse when he should be better. Idiot.”

I faced Tyler and asked, “What do you mean? Does he have guy problems or something?”

He chuckled and placed his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his feet.

He was avoiding my question.

“I guess you could call it problems,” he said. “Besides the fact that he drinks too fucking much, but that’s not the worst part. He’ll have to tell you that. It’s not up to me.” He sounded sympathetic. “Believe me, I love your boyfriend, Bryn, but if he doesn’t tell you about his issues soon enough then I will. But I don’t want to ever break up your relationship.”

“It can’t be that bad…right?”

Tyler wrapped me in his arms and placed his head on top of mine. “Just know you have all of us beside you and we have your back no matter what…okay, Bryn? You’re like our little sister we have to protect.”

I laughed against his chest. “You are too funny, Tyler.” I lifted my head up and we looked straight at each other. What was it with me and thinking these things about Tyler? Sure he had nice hair, breathtaking eyes, and above other things a muscular tattooed body that any sensible girl would drool over. Ever since our kiss I tried to push back the silly little tingles I got when we exchanged friendly glances at each other, but being in close proximities with him
and
Cale was tougher than I imagined.

Next thing I knew our lips were just a centimeter apart and then met slowly.
What the fuck are you thinking, you cheating bitch?
I silently cursed myself as he deepened the kiss, pushing me back against the wall. I felt trapped under him. I should’ve slapped Tyler and told him to get off of me, not to kiss me, not to be such an amazing friend, but I couldn’t do it.

His hands went from my lower back to around my neck, fingers leaving soft feather light touches along the way. I heard the door by us open and we sprung apart, causing me to gasp and cover my mouth, hiding any evidence I kissed another guy.

Luke and Bethany walked out, not noticing us right away. Then Tyler stuck his shoe in the gravel and Bethany whispered in Luke’s ear, pointing in our direction.

“Everything okay out here?” she asked, giving me her
I know what you were up to
look
.

“Yeah, dude. Just making sure Bryn was alright. I guess her mom called her,” Tyler said and Bethany’s mouth flew wide open.

“You’re shitting me, B. Right?” Her expression was absolutely priceless. She walked over to me while Luke went to smoke a cigarette and Tyler followed him.

“No, I wish I was,” I replied with a shrug. “I think they’ve made progress. She actually said she loved me.”

“Damn. Maybe someone paid the stone cold bitch to say that,” Bethany blurted out. “Sorry. I shouldn’t call her that, but after how your parents treated you I could think of worse names.”

“It’s okay.” I waved her off, actually smiling. “It made me slightly emotional and made me think a little bit. I might go at least visit when we get back home.”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t give them the time of day, Bryn. You told me they somehow convinced your brother to bring you back home at whatever cost. That cost Raptor his spot out of the band, and most importantly Brayden’s own life. His death should be on their hands. All they had to do was pick up a fucking phone.”

“I know, Beth. It’s…I don’t even know.” Great, now I was getting flustered. Before Bethany could ask me more about Tyler and I being out here, everyone else starting pouring out from the venue. Cale was last but not least, a half full fifth of vodka in his hand and his eyes directly on me. “Let’s get back to the bus before crazy drunk-ass over here tries to pull anything drastic.”

“Cale, please just go upstairs,” my mom pleaded to me, her eyes barely recognizable after all the tears she had shed. My fingers gripped tightly on the edge of the staircase as I tried to control my anger towards the moron I once considered my father. My blood and body were on fire. I never used to have anger issues like this, but today sparked something in me.

I was seeing red.

“No, I’m not leaving you downstairs with him, Mom. I’m going to call the cops,” I told her, heading towards my cell phone which of course I left on the kitchen table and not in my damn pocket where it should have been.

My dad gripped my arm with a heavy hand. I tried to wiggle my arm out of the hold, but he held on tighter, squeezing the life out of my skin. “You’re not fucking calling anybody,” he spat at me, attempting to drag me up the first couple of stairs. “Now I’ll accompany you upstairs and you will wait like your mother—”

“Fuck you.” I kicked him in the back of the shin, causing him to fall down and hit the stairs hard. I wanted him to feel pain. He caused my mother—the one constant person that had been there for me no matter what (besides my sisters)—pain and turmoil for far too long. “You won’t lay a hand on my mom again.”

Dad—or I should say Eric because he wouldn’t ever be my father—let go of me as he let out a howl. I saw a look in his eye like he wanted to hurt me. Or worse. Should I have been scared? Fuck no. I would do anything to protect my family.

“You stupid bastard of a son.” Eric stood up carefully, leaning on the staircase as he slowly walked to the main floor towards me. But instead, he grabbed the bottom of my mom’s t-shirt and managed to have enough strength to throw her against the wall, causing her to plop down and pass out from the impact. “See what you just caused? Mother should’ve raised you better, you’re no man…”

I cursed myself for what I was about to do. I punched my dad in the spot between the top of his nose and his eye; I didn’t wait for his reaction. I continued my assault, using my early on karate lessons. They were paying off. Eric stumbled back against the wall, his fists up attempting to sock me in return.

“That’s for hurting my mom, you sick son of a bitch,” I growled, punching him directly in the nose, watching blood squirt out slowly but surely. One hand was on his face while his other tried to grab hold of me again. I swung my leg forward and kicked him in the balls. “That was for asking that hard working woman for money when you have no fucking right.”

Eric instantly collapsed to the ground, his face almost covered in blood. I hurried over to my mom to make sure she was okay. I saw her eyes open so I scooped her up and brushed her blood covered bangs out of her face. “Go call the cops, Mom. Please,” I begged her. “He hurt you bad and you need to get help.” Opening the front door, I set my mom down gently on the porch swing, and she slowly nodded without a word.

I slammed the door shut behind me and Eric came back with a vengeance.

“You really think a swift kick is going to do shit to me, punk?” He grabbed the collar on my polo shirt, squeezing it around my throat so I could barely breathe. With his free hand he took a swing and directly punched my jaw, laying another one near my eye. “I gave you brats’ life. I can come ask for money anytime I fucking want to. I’ll make sure you never forget that…”

Thank fuck I woke up. Reliving that day only brought back the worst memories. The things you do for your blood family. I sat straight up in my bottom bunk, staring ahead of me with blurry vision. It was like I was put back at that exact moment again, when I beat the shit out of my father with bloody hands and he finally got taken away for what he did to us.

My whole body was drenched in sweat so I stripped down to just my boxer briefs and threw my wet clothes on the floor beside me, hoping I would cool down enough to maybe, just maybe, go back to sleep again. Yeah, right. Who was I kidding?

I tried to switch gears and think of happy memories, anything to take my mind off that day. Immediately Bryn came to my mind, and how last week in New Orleans I had been able to take her to see some authentic jazz bands playing in the streets. She tried fried frogs’ legs, which she fell in love with surprisingly, after an hour of convincing her to try them. The look on her face when she took her first bite made me wish my phone hadn’t died on me because I had wanted to snap a picture.

“It’s kind of like chicken,” Bryn muffled as she took her first bite and swirled it in her mouth. “Or maybe fish…”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Bryn’s face was burned from the warm Louisiana sun even though it was still winter. She swallowed and took a drink of water. I rested my elbows on the wooden table as she gave me a funny look.

“What? Were you thinking I’d spit it out?” she asked with a cheesy grin on her face.

“I never said anything about that.” I smiled in return, handing her another fried frog leg after rolling it in hot sauce. “Now this I have to see…”

I heard rustling in the front of the bus, and I knew it wasn’t Hal since obviously he was driving. I stood up, still in my boxer briefs, and went to see who else was crazy enough to be awake so early in the morning.

I found Luke sitting on the couch watching “The Boondock Saints” while eating a bag of Cheetos.

“Why are you awake so early, pal?” I asked, fist bumping him as I plopped down next to him.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Luke replied, his voice sounding groggy. Then he turned away from the movie to look at me. “We finally did it.”

I raised my eyebrow, waiting for him to elaborate. “What do you mean? We did what?”

“I slept with Bethany,” he whispered, covering one side of his face with his hand.

I remained silent for a second and then I blurted, “It’s about damn time!”

“Shhh…I don’t want to wake anyone else up,” Luke scolded me quietly, facing the TV screen again. “That’s why I couldn’t sleep. I was on too much of a high to even want to fall asleep. I figured I’d watch a movie and fall asleep right here, I’ll be good.”

“Don’t blame you, bud. I’m happy for you. Bryn’s got some good friends and you and Bethany seem like a good pair,” I told him honestly.

“You think so?”

“Of course, have I ever lied to you?” I asked, and Luke busted out laughing.

“Shit. I think that’s a rhetorical question!” His face started turning red from laughing so hard. “Let me see…you’re lying right now to all of us because you said you’d quit taking pills. I heard about what happened with Bryn finding your bottle at the bottom of your bag.”

“What do you want me to say? I’m trying to stop, but just when I think I’m getting ahead, I have those mood swings and then I turn to the pills again and again. You know out of all of us how hard this has been for me to break.”

“You don’t have to explain it to me. I’m here for you if you need me because you’re my brother, Pelton and I don’t want to see anything bad happen to you. I mean, who knows…one day you could take too many and you could overdose. Or worse, you could die,” Luke reminded me.

“Dammit I know that, Luke. It’s hard to kick a habit I’ve had for so long. I just…I don’t even know what to do. If Bryn found out I was keeping this from her she’d quit the band, I’d bet you on it,” I said, fearful of what her actual reaction would be. I hadn’t been truthful from the start and yet she had told me almost everything about her life before she met us. I was the fucked up one who didn’t deserve her.

“Okay maybe I shouldn’t say this,” Luke paused the movie, “but if it’s that hard to kick on your own then maybe you should try rehab after the tour is over,” he suggested. 

I let out a breath and immediately scoffed at the idea. Rehab. That was what I wanted to avoid. I wanted to show myself I wasn’t as weak as my father said I was and kicked the addiction myself. But it has gotten me nowhere. Plus I didn’t want to feel trapped for a month or more doing nothing but collecting thoughts.

“I know you fucking hate the idea, dude, but honestly I’ll lay it out there. If you don’t shake this shit by the time the tour’s done in end of April then I’ll quit myself,” Luke said harshly.

“You’re always so honest,” I told Luke, not being able to contain my laughter, even though I knew he was giving me the truth.

“Have to be sometimes. But I’m going to watch this later on and try to sleep. I think this talk kind of helped,” Luke said. We both got up and headed back to the bunks and gave each other a one armed hug before falling back asleep, at least for the next few hours.

***

We were in Texas today and even for March, it felt like a damn heat wave.  When I woke up we had stopped in downtown Dallas, where the girls were insistent they were going to buy the signature cowgirl hats and matching cowgirl boots.

“You should come in with meeee…” Bryn pleaded, giving me the puppy dog eyes as I had just finished brushing my teeth and grabbing a bottle of water. “Pretty please, Cale? You don’t have to get anything…think of it as moral support.”

Moral support?
I mouthed to her and she started giggling. “I mean I could think of something you could do with the boots and hat…” Oh I could think of a lot of things. Things I shouldn’t be thinking about just as we were about to get off of the bus. I sure as hell knew that no one would want to see me walking around downtown Dallas with a hard on. I pictured us in the back bedroom, with Bryn wearing nothing but a pink cowgirl hat and matching boots…damn why was I thinking like that this early in the damn day? But the more I thought about it, the more I was determined to make that vision a reality.

“Cale Pelton, you of all people
would
have a dirty mind.” She winked, giving me a quick hug before running off to catch up with Gina and Bethany, who were outside on the sidewalk talking on their cell phones. “I’ll think about it!”

No one could wipe the smile off of my face. I changed quickly into a pair of dirty jeans I needed to get washed and an old navy blue Henley I’d had forever and stuffed a couple of pills in my back pocket for the road. I needed espresso or something to wake my ass up, especially if I had to endure watching Bryn shopping.

“You okay, dude? You look like you haven’t had any sleep for weeks.” Vince walked beside me as we entered a coffee shop not far from where the girls were.

“Yeah I’m good, besides not sleeping worth a shit last night,” I answered, holding the door for the other guys as we entered the shop. For it being near lunch time, the place was absolutely packed wall to wall with all kinds of people, from casual dressed couples to fancy suit wearing businessman and women. As we all stood in line anxiously waiting, I noticed one of the workers—a younger girl who looked around Bryn’s age—whispering to another girl and pointing at us.

“I think we’ve been found,” I whispered to them as both of the girls started squealing. All eyes, including ours, were on them.

“Ohmygod, you guys are from frickin Everlasting!” the petite blond girl shrieked, jumping up and down and clapping her hands as her co-worker ran from behind the counter to bump straight into us. Her big bright eyes were checking each one of us out as she adjusted her baby pink cowgirl hat with the coffee shop logo displayed on it.

“Can you guys sign my hat? Everyone here loves you,” the girl gushed, standing literally inches from us, looking completely star-struck. She looked exactly like Bryn, black hair, green eyes and all. She could have passed as her twin.

“Sure, do you have a marker?” Tyler shrugged and winked at the girl. Her entire face lit up as she hurried back around the counter and grabbed a black marker, running back to where we were.

“Here.” She blushed, handing the marker to me as we each took our turn signing her cowgirl hat. “My name’s Bella, by the way,” she added as I signed her name and a heart beside mine. Once Luke finished his signature, he handed the marker back to Bella and she squealed like a little child some more. It was pretty cute in a way. It reminded me how Alexandria used to be obsessed with boy bands and whenever they would come on the TV or YouTube, she’d freak out, startling the neighbors.

“Do you have a phone?” I asked. “We could get a picture.” 

She nodded, her friend handing it to her from where she was taking orders.

The older gentleman ordering in front of us took the picture of all of us guys with Bella in the middle. After he handed the phone back to Bella, she looked at the picture and flashed the brightest smile.

“You just made my day.” She sighed, giving each one of us a hug. “I can’t wait to tell my boyfriend I met Everlasting! He’s got tickets to see you tonight with his friends so he’s going to be jealous when I show him this picture.” She giggled. “Where’s Bryn?”

“She’s out gallivanting in Downtown somewhere,” I exaggerated. “She was obsessed with getting a pair of cowgirl boots and a matching hat before we played.”

“Ohmygod. Well please tell her I am a huge fan and she’s so pretty!” Bella said and I nodded. “But I have to get back and get your orders. They’re on the house just for today, just don’t go too overboard.”

After Bella and her friend—who we learned was Amy—poured our coffees, they even delivered them to us at where we were sitting just by the decent sized bay window, with downtown Dallas on full display. Pretending that I was tying my shoe lace, I slipped the pain pills into my coffee and set it back on the table after taking a sip.