From Where I Watch You (21 page)

When he passes me in the doorway, he leans down to kiss my cheek. I watch him walk down the hall, whistling.

Since it’s Saturday and a lot of students have gone home for the weekend, the hallway is blessedly empty, and the bathroom even smells clean, like no one has set foot inside in days. The shower is wonderfully hot over my body and massages my achy back. I didn’t realize how cold I was before. My skin turns red but I stay in a long time.

Now that Charlie isn’t distracting me, I can’t help but think back to the contest. I could’ve done better. Maybe I should’ve done something more traditional and Valentine-y. But the only cookies that made me second-guess myself were the ones that looked like mini wedding cakes—and this wasn’t a cake contest. The other entries looked like a gazillion other cookies I’ve seen in my life, packaged up in pretty little bakery windows in boxes with ribbons.

I hear the bathroom door open and cold air from the hallway rushes in, creeping up my legs. Slow footsteps from hard-soled shoes click their way in until I hear the creak of a stall door. I stay in the shower, listening above the trickles and splashes of the water.

No more sounds from outside.

The water heats me where it touches, but where it doesn’t I’m frozen and I shift under the shower, telling myself it’s only the chilly bathroom making my skin crawl with gooseflesh. I turn off the water and listen carefully while I dry off and put on pajamas.

Still nothing.

Either the person left or they’re still in here. My skin glows red hot under my flannel pajamas, but my exposed skin feels frozen. Except my fingertips. My pulse throbs down into each one, and a droplet from a soaked strand of hair slides down the back of my neck, finding its way down my pajamas, making me shiver.

The stall door creaks. Shoes tap out a slow pattern as they move out of the bathroom. No toilet flushing. No hand washing. No nothing.

I grab my stuff and creep out to the hall. When I’m sure it’s empty, I run back to the room.

Charlie is waiting for me. He’s turned on all the lamps and the room feels cozier for it. I’m relieved he’s here, but still I can’t help but glance down at his shoes, kicked off and left carelessly at the end of the bed. Sneakers would squeak, wouldn’t they?

“Why are you breathing so hard, Sprinkles?”

“Nothing. I was cold.” I stare at his face, waiting to see if he’ll ask more, waiting to see if it’s the right time to tell him about my stalker.

But I don’t because he nods and takes a bite from the Cup O’ Noodles in his hand. I can’t believe he has any room for noodles after the cheeseburgers he ate. He’s adorable and I can’t help but smile when he waves his hand over the Monopoly game he’s set up on the bed.

I start to pull the curtains closed for the night. Outside, thick fog crouches over the quad. Only the fuzzy lights that illuminate the paths and walkways are visible. No one’s outside that I can see.

Every few minutes when Charlie’s laughing about some victory over me, I almost tell him about the notes I’ve been getting and how scared I am.

But I don’t, because I’m also thinking about other things while Charlie acquires Boardwalk and I end up in jail more times than in my whole Monopoly-playing history. I can’t stop thinking about our sleeping arrangements. There are two beds but only one has sheets and blankets. I could strip the bed and give him half but then neither of us will have enough covers to keep warm.

He looks at me and smiles before folding up the game, sending his hotels plummeting onto the bed. “I’m tired, how about you?”

I should tell him about the notes right now. We’re here alone and there’s no one else to hear—like Mom. Or would he call her anyway? I don’t know what they talk about when he’s there working. Mom says he asks about me, so what else do they discuss? He seems pretty comfortable with her, so maybe he’d feel like he had to tell her. I don’t want her to know. Ever. Right now I’m alone in another state with Charlie and that’s all I want to think about.

“Kara, what’s up?”

My heart starts pounding. “Um, what do you mean?”

“You have this look about you sometimes—like you’re on the verge of saying something, and then you don’t. I’ve noticed it a few times. Are you worried about the contest?”

“Yeah. Um, I’ll be right back.” My face feels like fire and I hop off the bed and run to the bathroom with my toothbrush and paste. After the slowest tooth scrub ever, I walk back to the room and let Charlie have the toothpaste.

IN BED, I CLOSE
my eyes and try to take deep, long breaths. The mattress Charlie sits on creaks, and I wait for him to cross the space between us. The other bed has nothing on it but some of my stuff and a thin blanket folded up. When I open my eyes, Charlie’s lying down with the flimsy blanket covering him.

I sit up and look over at him. I definitely want him with me, but I’m afraid. Still, I try anyway. “Charlie, you’re going to freeze with just that little blanket.”

He rolls over and smiles at me. “I’ll be okay.”

I can’t make the words come out, but when I fold back the covers and pat the spot next to me, he quickly stands up, abandoning the blanket, then sits down next to me and swings his legs onto the bed. I’ve never, willingly, been with a boy in bed and I am self-conscious like I’ve never experienced in my life.

Charlie props himself up on an elbow and smiles down at me. Instinctively, I pull the blankets up around my neck so he can’t see me shaking. This must be funny to him, and he chuckles before bending down to kiss my cheek. His brown hair hangs over his forehead, tickling my face, and he smells of toothpaste and shampoo.

Lying back on the pillow, he clasps his hands behind his head and smiles up at the ceiling. I wonder if he’s going to turn off the lamp. I’m not tired but head-to-toe aware of his body next to me and the heat coming off his naked chest. I can’t help but notice the smooth panes of his muscles and the line of hair that starts right below his navel and disappears under the blankets. I scoot nearer to the wall so I don’t accidentally touch him.

“Do you remember when we saw each other at Red Lobster the night of the freshman dance?” He props himself back on his elbow and looks down at me. “You were with Brian what’s-his-face?”

I nod, and Charlie shakes his head and smiles. “I faked food poisoning on the way to the dance. I totally ditched—uh, I forget her name—my date, so I wouldn’t have to see you with Brian.”

“You should’ve told me.”

Charlie never gave me any clue that he was interested back then, except for being nice at school. I remember Katy Morgan bragging in the locker room about him. I could’ve gouged her eyes out.

“I think it was girls-ask-guys only.”

“Katy told the whole locker room that you’d asked her.”

Charlie shakes his head. “Nope. Anyway, I’d never been jealous before, like that. You were so pretty in that shiny pink dress. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

That dress. I took it from Kellen’s closet but couldn’t fill it out like she did. Too long and loose on me. I didn’t really care anyway, because I didn’t want to go in the first place. And Mom didn’t even look at me when I came downstairs wearing it.

I stared at Charlie the whole evening. “I couldn’t even eat my dinner.”

“I know, I watched you the whole time,” he says, smiling.

This embarrasses me even though it happened two years ago, and I pull the blankets up right under my eyes.

Charlie laughs and brushes hair from my forehead. “I dumped Katy off at the dance with Grady, and still had a half hour left on the limo. So I had the driver pick up my buddy Cal, and his brother’s stash of PBR, and he dropped us off in Ballard.”

Charlie continues. “Cal and I got drunk down at the Locks. Not sure how many I had before I started calling you. I hung up the phone every time your mom answered.”

But I wasn’t home yet. That night while Noelle and her boyfriend made out in the backseat, Brian shoved his hand under my dress. Noelle had him in a headlock after he called me a bitch for puking on him. I stare up at Charlie. “What would you have done if I answered?”

He grins and lies back down, hands behind his head. “Cal kept asking me that, too.” His eyes are on me now. “I probably would’ve said something lame and you would’ve hung up.”

Charlie sits up and turns toward me. “You were so different, Kara. I realize now, when I think back, that you pulled away from everyone when school started that year. I remember how you were before she died. It’s like you were closed off and didn’t want anyone around. I wanted so badly to talk to you, but I was a chicken shit. I was afraid you’d turn me down.”

My words are a whisper and I can only look at his chest. “There was only you, Charlie. And then you left.”

“I’m sorry.” He leans down to kiss my forehead.

When he lies back I want badly to touch his bare skin. He keeps his hands clasped behind his head on the pillow, watching me. Under my skin my heart drums my pulse down into every corner of me.

I touch him, tentatively. His chest is warm and both soft and hard at the same time. My hand travels over the muscles there and up toward his shoulder, tracing the lines of his bicep. I run my palm over his shoulder and up his neck to his ear and into his hair. I do this a few times, staring at his body. Suddenly I feel stupid. But when I look at Charlie’s face, I can tell by the way he holds my gaze that it’s not stupid at all.

Charlie is safe. Charlie would never hurt me, so I keep my hands on him.

He reaches for me, but then he stops.

I think he understands.

I kiss him.

Sometime before dawn, I fall asleep on his chest and it’s the happiest night of my life.

June: Thirteen-Year-Old
Carrot’s
Kara’s Summer
Fun
Before High School

“Kara, your attitude lately sucks,” Mom said. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You’re not talking to us, and now your friend Jen tells me she’s come over every day for the past two weeks and you won’t answer the door? Or the phone when she calls? Whatever it is with you, I hope this time away will help.” Mom hands me my last bag before getting back into the car to go home.

Now I’m curled up on my cot in the corner of the cabin, facing the wall. Mom thinks summer camp will cure me of “my sudden onset of bitchiness, hormones, end of middle school, or whatever it is.” But it’s not just me. Everyone in the house seems different. It’s summer and why does my Mom have more work than ever? And why does Dad? And why does no one talk about the fact that Kellen is leaving for college at the end of summer? Everything at home is changing, but everyone is fixated on me and my “sudden” problems. I don’t think Kellen told Mom what happened with Nick.

So I’m here and that’s one less thing my parents have to deal with. Now they can completely bury themselves in their work so they can forget about their favorite girl leaving.

I hate it here. I want to go home, yet I don’t want to go home either.

Every one of my cabin-mates came here matched up with a friend from home.

“What’s with you, anyway?”

“We have to bunk with her? She’s got like permanent cramps or something.”

“Yeah, look at her.”

“Hey you guys, she doesn’t talk. Maybe she’s one of those mute people?”

“Does anyone know sign language?”

Laughter.

“Sorry, it’s the only sign language I know.”

“But she’s so pale. Maybe she’s a vampire.”

“Uh-oh, better roll up in your sleeping bags tonight, she might bite ya.”

Shrieks and laughter.

“Hey, vampire deaf girl, why don’t you do us a favor and go sleep in another cabin?”

“Yeah. I’m not gonna be able to sleep with her in here.”

“You guys, if she went tanning she’d be pretty, you know. She just needs a little sun.”

“Maybe, but vampires can’t tan or be in the sun. She’ll fry herself.”

“Good, then we won’t have to bunk with her.”

Giggles.

Outside, a bell rings, signaling dinner. I wait until I hear their feet move and the screen door squeal and slam before I get up. But when I do, a few are still there and one of them is in my face.

“Vampires don’t eat food. I bet you wanna suck my neck, don’tcha?”

I recognize her voice as the one who hurled most of the insults at me. She smiles, her braces shine and her face is so close to mine I can’t help it.

I punch her in the mouth and it hurts so badly because her braces scrape across my knuckles.

She looks at me in shock, holding her hand over her mouth as she does, her eyes rimmed with tears.

“You bitch!” She blinks hard. “Oh, its so on!!”

And she pushes me.

I don’t know how much time passed but I woke up in another cabin with a doctor or nurse or someone staring at me, along with one of the camp counselors.

“How are you feeling? You hit your head pretty hard on the edge of the cot.” The nurse/doctor says.

The counselor steps in front and cuts her off. “We’d normally ship your little butt home for starting a fight, but we can’t get a hold of your parents. So I think I’ll make your stay with us just a little on the crappy side and then maybe you’ll learn.”