Front & Center (Book 2 of the Back-Up Series) (16 page)

“Lo
ng ninety-six hours.”

He laughs out loud, with a face full of fries. “I love you so much.”

“Promise me you won’t deprive me like that ever again. I need my Jackson fix daily.”

“Wow, I’ve turned you into quite the nymph.”

“Complaining?”

“Fuck no,
you’re my nymph.”

“Completely
yours.”  Feeling confident his mood has changed for the better, I brace the subject again. “Are you ready to talk?”

Shaking his head, he says, “Nope.” He watches me watch him from the corner of his eye. “Babe, I’ve ad
mitted I have tremendous guilt because I don’t want this baby, and I feel trapped. That sums it all up. There really is nothing left for me to say.” He places his plate down on the end table and takes mine from my lap. Pulling me into his embrace, he strokes my hair. “I am sorry I allowed it to affect us though. I shut down. I acted just the way I keep asking you not to. I’m such a hypocrite.”

“I understand. I just felt so helpless
. I still do.”

“Just
don’t give up on me and keep loving me. That’s all you can do to help me.”



The next morning, Jack was in the shower when my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. Ignoring it, a few seconds later I received a disturbing voicemail message.

“
It’s Jessa. I would like to talk to you. Please let me know when you have a few minutes to chat…alone.”

My gut instinct was to tell Jac
k. He would tell me not to talk to her. However, I’m extremely curious as to what she wants and what she has to say. I convinced Jack to go down to the bus before me, to smooth things over with the guys and talk to them about his recent behavior. He argued at first, but then he thankfully agreed.

With shaking fingers, I texted the evil witch back.

Free to talk. It has to be now as we are pulling out soon
.

Sitting on the edge of the bed quickly becomes unacceptable to my nerves. So instead
, I start pacing the room, over and over like a caged animal.

A few minutes later m
y cell rings, cutting the silence viciously.

With my heart pounding in my chest, I answer the call.
“Hello.”

“Hello
, Leila. How are you?”

“How did you get my number?”

“A mutual friend.”

Liar
. She is probably stalking me.

“What do you want Jessa?”

“I have some news.”

Sighing, I’m already exhausted with this conversation. “
What news?”

“I had my fir
st sonogram. It’s a boy.”

Jack will have a son?

My stomach lurches from the reality of this situation. A small gasp escapes, but it’s loud enough fo
r her to hear it. “Are you ok?”

“Yes.”

“I have a dilemma.”

When I don’t respond, she continues.

“I’m not sure if you know anything about me.”

“I know enough.”

She laughs condescendingly, as if I amuse her. “Well, what you may not know is I was raised by a single parent. My mom raised my brother and me all alone. Our dad took off and never looked back.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you. I never really thought of having kids. Life is funny that way. You never know what it will throw at you.
Having been raised by a single mother, I refuse to repeat the path she was forced to take, struggling, alone, practically penniless. It aged her. It changed her. I will not have that happen to me.

Remaining completely silent on my end of the call, she continues.

“I love Jack. I’m not stupid enough to think he loves me and will leave you to be with me. He’s made that very, very clear. In fact, our last conversation left me troubled with his role towards our child. I listened as he adamantly stated he wanted no part of this. It was noble of him to offer financial support, though.” She stops to let out a short, clipped laugh. “That would help, but it wouldn’t be enough. Not knowing my own dad, I want our baby to know his and to have him in his life.”

“Jessa, what are you trying to t
ell me?”

“
The part I’m struggling with is I feel Jack would have eventually welcomed a son into his life with open arms, before you at least.”

A chill runs down my spine as I realize what she is getting at. I feel sick to my stomach.
This woman is beyond conniving, beyond manipulative. She is evil.

“Funny, just a
few weeks ago I considered terminating this pregnancy. I felt no connection to it.”

“If
you were debating an abortion, you would have done it.”

“
My friends talked me out of it. Honestly, I’m glad they did. Now knowing that it’s a boy, who is half me and half Jack, I now feel connected to it.”

As this bitch rambles on, Jack tries calling my cell. I’m sure it won’t be long before he comes looking for me.

“What does this have to do with me?” I whisper weakly into the phone.

“Leila, you seem like a smart girl. Jack isn’t the kind of person to walk away from his own child. Beneath his cocky, God’s gift to the world attitude, he does have a heart. I’m sure he is being torn in half right now, being ripped apart from the inside. If I know Jack, he’s struggling with doing the right thing versus his commitment to you. Sometimes Jack needs a little shove in the right direction. He will adamantly claim this is the way he wants it. But over time, his guilt will kill him.”

“Jack wouldn’t
just move on with his life, like you hope he does. He would hate and resent you even more than he does now. He feels trapped by you. That will never go away.”             

“Yes
, it will. Jack marinates over things. He mulls things over. Time and Jack have a mutual understanding. If you had said after our break up that we would once again have sexual relations, I would have called you nuts. But we did. I think his guilt would change his decision. Fast-forward ten years. His son would be at the age where he’d be playing sports, growing up. Jack would absolutely regret not being a part of that. He just needs someone to help him realize that.”

“That someone being me.”

“That’s correct.”

“Jack is a stubborn man. I can’t make him do something he refuses to.”

“Oh, I think you can.”

“You
think I’ll just break up with Jack because you want me to?”

“No. I want you to realize the different paths his life can take. Being with you, or
knowing his child.”

“And he c
an’t have both?”

“
Nope. Another thing you need to know about Jack. His vision is limited. As long as you are in his life, you are his life. If you weren’t, he would focus on the next thing. He can’t look past his own contentment.”

“He isn’t going to buy this. There is no way he’ll allow m
e to walk away.”

“Couples fight all the time. I’m sure you two do as well.”

“Really we don’t.”

“How
lucky of you. That’s so sweet,” she patronizes.

“I’m not walking away from Jack just because you threw around some empty threats.”

“You love him, correct.”

“Stupid question.”

“You wouldn’t want to harm him, correct?”

“I’m about to hang up, Jessa.”

“Fame does have its disadvantages. It’s called the Internet. It can be a major advantage, as well as a disadvantage.”

“What are you saying now?”

“A really hot rock star can’t keep his dick in his pants. While drunk and high, he literally pushes himself onto his ex-girlfriend, who has never gotten over him. The kicker is, after taking advantage of her, he abandons her in her time of need. This shit gets eaten up all the time. It could ruin him.”

A chill runs through my veins.
“That never happened.”

“
I was there and Jack was extremely drunk. He’s a womanizer. He’s not the monogamous type, and he most definitely is not the boyfriend type.”

“
You’re a bitch.”

“
Just pulling out all my defenses.”

“
What do you want?”

“
I want Jack.”

“
How could you do that to him?”

“I’m protecting my unborn child.” She sighs into the phone.
“You heard what I had to say. Make your decision, Leila, and soon. I’m not a patient person. Please don’t be stupid enough to tell Jack. His temper is uncontrollable. I have connections and I’ll know.” With that she hangs up.

I’ve neve
r wanted to kill someone before, until now.

S
he has no problem taking Jack down to get what she wants.

My anger
boils towards her for ruining Jack’s life and towards Jack for ruining everything for one meaningless night with that tramp. She has me completely cornered. It’s like she did her research, focusing on Jack’s guilt for not wanting the baby and my insecurities with being in the public eye.

Ignoring this
would be all she needs to make a phone call to a sleazy tabloid. No one would question her when the evidence is her pregnant belly.

Realizing I’ve wasted a lot of time
, I quickly text Jack as tears blur my vision.

hey…on my
way. be there in a few minutes
.

I then make a necessary phone call
. There’s only one person I can talk to, who can calm me down.

Knocking on her door, it takes a few seconds for her to answer. “Hey, babe. What’s taking you so long? We gotta go or Jen will have my ass.”

“Sorry. I got distracted.”

“Without me?” I pull her into my embrace.

When she doesn’t respond to my joke, I pull back slightly to
look into her eyes. “Why were you crying?” Her silence has me worried. “Leila?”

“I need to talk to you.”

Without a word, she pulls away to sit on the bed. As I close the door behind us, I move to sit next to her.

“What
is it?” I gently take her hand in mine. “Lei?”

“Jessa
called.”

“What?
I don’t want you talking to her.”

“Jack, she
considered ending the pregnancy because of me.” A quick flash of relief passes through me. Leila sits motionless.

“
This doesn’t surprise me.”

“You could have lost your child because of me. Things would be different if we weren’t together.”

I immediately become suspicious with this conversation. “You’re serious? She is totally pulling you into one of her little games.”

“She knows you’ll never be together.
But she feels you’ll never commit to them as long as you are with me.”

“WHAT THE FUCK
, LEILA?” Is she pulling this shit again?

“Jack…”

“Don’t Jack me. What the FUCK?”

“Jack,
this wasn’t meant to be. I’ve changed my dreams to be with you. You’re denying a child to be with me. We are forcing things to happen that clearly aren’t supposed to.”

Reaching for her she pulls away
. “I can’t.”

“You can’t what?”

“I can’t be the reason you won’t accept your child.”

“Holy shit!
I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Ok, I’ll be there for the kid. Is that what you want to hear?”

“Yes,
but I don’t fit into that scenario.”

“
Yes, you do!”

“
I don’t want to fit into it.”

“You don’t want me.”

“I’ve lost track of what I really want.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me.”

“I spoke to Evan. He reminded me how much I wanted to become a solo artist. He reminded me that I’ve abandoned all my dreams to be with you. I love you, but he’s right. I know in ten years, I’ll resent what I gave up and you’ll resent what you gave up.”

“What are you saying?”

“
After the tour is over, I’ll be leaving the band. I hope Malcolm will still represent me so I can follow my dream.”

“You’re leaving me?”
             

She
stares at the floor, avoiding my eyes. “This has to end.”

I
viciously grab her upper arms, forcing her to look at me. Her eyes instantly well up with tears, spilling relentlessly as I continue to stare into them. “You said you wouldn’t leave me.”

“Let go of me.”
She whispers through her tears.

“NO!”
As she looks away again, I grip her tighter.

“Jack, you’re hurting me. Let go.”

I release my grip, but only slightly. “Leila, please don’t let her do this to us.”

“She isn’t doing anyt
hing. This is all me. This has been lying just under the surface. All Jessa did was help it to bubble up.”

“
You regret being with me?”

She doesn’t respond and
just sits numbly.

“You can flip a switch that easily? You can just turn us off?”

“No, I can’t. This is tearing me up. But I made a promise to my dad before leaving. I promised to be true to myself. I haven’t been. The more I convince myself things are just as they should be, the more life throws a fucking dart at our heads. Someone is trying to tell us something.”

“Who are you? I don’t even know who you are right now.”

“I’m still me. This is me, before you. I was motivated, determined, focused.”

This isn’t my Leila. She isn’t the same person. Something has seriously changed. She looks detached, distant,
and cold even. She looks like a different person.

“You think I’m going to walk away? Fuck no…I’ll call Evan, I’ll call
your dad, I’ll call whomever I have to, to talk some Goddamn sense into you.”

“I
t won’t change how I feel. I need you to stay away from me. I can’t be near you. I can’t let you continue to control me.”             

“I’ve controlled you?”

“Yes. My heart, my head, my life. You completely took over and I need to take it back.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”

She sits totally unfazed. She truly couldn’t give a shit that she’s cutting my heart out and feeding it to me for lunch.

“I need you. I can’t be without you.”

“You’ll get over me, and I’ll get over you…eventually.”

“Baby, we love each other. Nothing else matters.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

“Wow. You’ve basically decided our fate, and I clearly have no say in the matter.”

“I’ve decided my fate. My fate happens to align perfectly with the fate you are meant to live. More of the universe trying to tell us something.”

For the first time since being with Leila, I don’t want to be near her. I feel the walls closing in, her demeanor a slap in my face, her posture a knife through my heart. I feel like I’m drowning in my own blood.

Seeing my silence as an opportunity to twist the knife, she adds, “I think it’s best
if one of us moves to the other bus.”

“One of us? Like me?”

“Unless you’d like me to go.”

“We need to be
around each other. We need to perform together. We still have months left on this tour.”

“We don’t have to live together. You, yourself said to me you couldn’t possibly live on the same bus with me and not be able to touch me or be with me. I agree.”

“You really thought of everything. Amazing. I leave you alone for what, twenty minutes? And in that short amount of time you’ve rewritten our lives like it’s a fucking fictional novel.”

She doesn’t respond. She doesn’t move.

I continue to stare at her, willing her to come back to me. She finally meets my gaze, and there’s nothing there. Her eyes are still moist, but otherwise absolutely nothing.

Kneeling before her I desperately try one more time. “Leila, you are my world. I don’t care about anything else. I’ll do anything you want. You c
an do anything you want. Please, just don’t give up on us.”

“I can’t
be who I want to be if I stay with you.”

“Yes
, you can. I won’t stop you.”

“Jack, I totally lose myself when I’m with you. Unintentionally, you would stop me.”

“So this really has nothing to do with the baby.”

“It’s a combination of
all that has gone wrong since we’ve started our relationship. The baby, her not wanting it, you not wanting it, me sitting in the sidelines as a culprit, my forgotten career. It’s become too much drama. I can’t take it anymore.”

She turns away from me
. Then says, “It’s time I think of myself,” putting the last nail into my coffin, she adds, “you need to let me live my life.”

I’ve lost her. She’s gone.

“I love you. I’
ll always love you, and I won’t stand in your way.”

I open
the door and walk out of the hotel room feeling like the knife she used is still protruding from my chest.



de·spair -diˈspe(ə)r/

- noun – the complete loss of hope.

Synonyms: hopelessness, disheartenment, discouragement, desperation, distress, anguish, unhappiness.

-verb – to lose hope or be without hope.

Synonyms: lose hope, abandon hop
e, give up, lose faith, lose heart, be discouraged, be despondent, be demoralized, to resign one self.             

You can go through life never really thinking about a word, its origin, its true dictionary meaning. I never gave the word despair a moment of thought. I never really had to. It’s not a word that’s presented itself in my life. I guess I can say I thought I felt despair during my college years, when my dreams of becoming a rock star were so far away, when I had absolutely no hope they would ever come true. But no, that wasn’t despair. That wasn’t the true word for word dictionary meaning of despair. That was more like the word immovable…stuck.

I did feel a touch of it the last time she pulled away from me, but even then, it pales in comparison to what I am feeling now.

This, what I’m feeling now, this is fucking despair.
The despair I feel now is suffocating. It literally took hold of my chest in a crushing grip. It spills over everything like a toxic sludge that immobilizes me.

Our show
last night in Spokane was the first show since she stabbed me in the heart. This morning, it was on every blog site that’s been following us, spreading like a pool of blood from a stabbing…my stabbing.

I made a lot of mistakes
last night. I wish I could have ditched the show, but Hunter threatened to beat the crap out of me. I was actually torn, deciding which fate was worse. Seeing her on stage, or getting pummeled by my best friend. So I fueled up with tequila and appeared on stage drunk for the first time in my singing career. It was a huge mistake, in hindsight. I spilled the beans to twenty-two hundred fans that she stabbed me in the heart. Every time she shared a mic with me, every time she looked into my eyes during a song, every time she walked towards me on stage, the knife she left wedged deep into my heart moved slightly. It moved just enough to once again cripple me with pain and for the hemorrhaging to resume.

The second our show was over, Leila stormed out of the arena and it took every fiber of my being not to chase her. I’m surprised with myself for giving up so quickly. I’ve threatened I would never let her go. But her eyes were void of all feeling, all the love I thought she felt for me. It was gone.

Remembering that void once again starts up t
he stabbing pain in my heart. I needed to extinguish the pain immediately. So I grabbed a bottle of booze and retreated to my bunk.

My new fucking home,
with Dylan, Will, five roadies and our alternate drivers. This bus doesn’t have a bedroom in the back. Nope, only bunks, wide open, no privacy, no door, with just a curtain to hide you from other humans. I’ve developed a newfound respect for my buddies, who have been living this way for the past five weeks.

The
guys were stunned yesterday. They had no idea how to act or what to say to either of us. Hunter said she hid in the back bedroom, completely avoiding them. He said the only time she communicated was during the rehearsal, which I ditched.

Jen
for the most part has left me alone. When she called me before tonight’s show, she did throw out the predictable ‘
I told you so
’ and the ‘
I knew this would happen
’. I told her to fuck off and she quickly apologized. I asked her to pass the news onto Malcolm that Leila was interested in a solo career. I meant it when I said I wouldn’t stand in her way.

My sister,
my mom, my dad, and Trini called, which I ignored. I feel bad I avoided Trini. Not only is she my ex-fuck buddy, but she’s also been a good friend to me. But I really didn’t want to talk to any of them. I did call Evan in a desperate attempt to get her back. I listened while he ranted, yet again. He said she is extremely upset and I need to respect her wishes. What a bunch of bullshit. He then said I was toxic for her, twisting the knife even further.

Whatever…

“Jack?” Hunter jerks open my curtain. “Really?” He says after eyeing my bottle.

“What do you want?
”

He grabs the bottle out of my hand. I don’t even attempt to fight him. I’ll get more as soon as he leaves. “You’re coming with us.”

“Fuck off.”

“
Let’s go.”

“Leave me alone
, Hunter. I’m tired. I’d rather drink alone.”

“Jack, w
e have a night off and you are coming with us.”

“No
, I’m not.”

“Yes
, you are. I will fucking drag you out of here myself.”

My response is to pull my curtain closed.

Hunter yanks me out of my bunk with two hands.

“Jesus
Christ, Hunter. Leave me alone.”

He pushes me out of the bus without resistance.
I could easily pummel him through the ground right now. I just don’t have the energy. As long as this class trip includes alcohol, I guess I’ll be fine.