Frozen Barriers (40 page)

Hours pass, and I hear groups of skaters come and go on the ice. The crowd echoes down through the tunnel, scores announce over the speakers, and news cameras follow our every move. Wearing my warm-up suit and sneakers, I slowly jog up and down the halls, trying to stay calm and keep my legs loose. Being in the lead heading into tonight’s skate means I will skate last. Friggin’ last, because
that
doesn’t allow my head to wander and get worked up all night!

I emerge from the tunnel as the Zamboni clears the ice after the first group of skaters finish. I take in the crowd and see all the signs and banners everywhere. I find the suite that contains my very own fan club. A few minutes pass before they realize I’m down there. I hear little girls in the crowd scream my name, and I walk over to their smiling faces along the railings. All of them say they are my biggest fans and wish me luck. Some ask for autographs. Once I wave goodbye to all the girls, I turn around to see the camera is pinned on me, broadcasting on the jumbo screen above the ice. I smile and wave back at the camera while the crowd begins cheering.

This is what it should feel like to be doing what you love to do. People in the crowd, who only know you by name and face, cheering you on, and complete strangers supporting you in a moment when you need it most. I look up at Jeremy and see him gazing back at me with the biggest smile. I know he can’t see me that well from up there, so I put my hand over my hockey necklace and wave at him. He’ll understand what I can only say silently.

I am due to take the ice in a half hour. Suzy has my hair styled by her salon team in cascading curls and held back with a scrolling sequined band. I am wearing a Vera Wang dress that features soft beige tones and sheer fabrics with a tapestry of beadwork that extends from my right hip and up over my left shoulder. It is soft and exquisitely designed without being a distraction from the music.

After warm up with the final group of girls, I go backstage and wait alone while listening to music. The entire warm-up time I don’t look at Jeremy; instead, I keep my mind focused on everything I need to do to ensure I bring home gold and secure my spot on the Olympic team. I am finally doing this for me.

Suzy comes back about ten minutes later. Pulling out my earbuds, I remove my warm-up pants and make sure my skates are laced up tight. I can’t remember anything else from that moment until the minute I’m standing next to the ice. I vaguely recall Suzy talking to me, but none of it registers. I’ve never been this nervous in my life.
Breathe, Emily
.
Just breathe and find Jeremy.
Looking up into the stands, I see him sitting with his face in his hands. Dave is telling him something, but I can’t tell what they’re saying. Jeremy turns to Dave, and it appears he’s yelling at him for some reason. Courtney walks over to the two of them and says something, but points down to where I’m standing. Jeremy stands quickly and looks right at me with a forced smile. What the hell is going on?

I don’t have time to process any of what just transpired, because the previous skater’s scores are being posted, and I’m set to take the ice. Suzy gives me a hug, and after removing my blade guards, my feet take the ice. I’m circling the end of the ice as Suzy gives me some last words of advice, saying, “Make it all worth it and leave your heart on the ice.”

After my name is announced, the crowd cheers as I move to my starting position in the center of the ice. Silence fills the arena. My heart is beating through my chest and pounding through my ears. I let out one slow, final, deep breath before I hear the music begin. Everything fades away around me. The audience isn’t there anymore. I hear the violin. I feel her pain. I become Juliet. I float across the ice, moving from jumps to spins, and in this moment, it’s only me. It’s me fighting for what I love. There aren’t any stipulations from my mother. This time my free skate is mine and mine alone. The crescendo in the music takes on a new meaning as I come to terms with the fact that I do love this. Skating is my life, even without my parents’ involvement. Entering into my final spin and then gradually ending my program on my knees, I hold my hands over my heart and cry. I cry for everything I’ve done up to this point in my career. I stand in front of my home crowd, knowing this is the culmination of my skating. Taking a final bow before heading toward Suzy, I glance up to see my support group all cheering.

As I make my way back to the end of the ice, Suzy stands there with tears in her eyes before hugging me like never before. I sit there, waiting for the scores to be posted on the board with my knees shaking with excitement. I’m breathing heavily, and Suzy is rubbing my back. She leans in and asks, “How did that feel?“

I shake my head in disbelief as I try to process the last five minutes. “That was probably the most amazing experience I could have ever wanted right here and now.”

The wait on the scores seems longer than anything I’ve ever experienced. The little girls finish picking up the stuffed animals and flowers that are thrown onto the ice and begin handing me a few of them. The crowd starts clapping as we all wait for the number. The announcer says over the speaker, “And the scores for Emily Cameron.” I see them light up on the board, and I’m immediately in shock. I gasp, and my hand flies to my mouth as I see the number 213.05. The announcer continues to relay to the crowd, “A personal best and also the highest score ever posted by an American Ladies Figure Skater.” Oh my God! Rising to my feet, I wave to the crowd. Before I can find Jeremy, the news cameras have rushed me, and I’m forced to do interviews before the medals ceremony.

We sit in the suite at the Garden, watching random skaters perform. Food is brought in, and we are having a great time waiting for Emily’s group to take the ice. Today is her day. I know she will rise to the occasion without a doubt. My girl will go home with that coveted gold medal at the end of the night. Everything is finally working itself out.

Then, I receive a phone call that changes everything.

I have to move into a closed-off area in order to hear what is being said to me. I actually have to ask the person on the other end of the line to repeat himself because I have to make sure I’m hearing him correctly. This couldn’t be happening at a worse time.

A thought runs through my mind, but there isn’t any way for Emily’s parents to be involved in this. I keep telling myself that as I sit in the seat holding my head. I hear little girls screaming, but nothing is calculating. Of course, they
could
be involved in this. It’s the only way this could have happened this fast, or I just have some of the worst luck in the world.

Dave comes over when he notices my change in mood. Grabbing my shoulder, he asks what is wrong. I shake my head and play with the cufflinks Emily bought me on my dress shirt. Courtney and Sue start cheering.

I turn to Dave, saying, “This can’t even fuckin’ be happening right now.”

“What? What’s happening? Who were you on the phone with?” Dave asks.

“The Monarchs coach called…” I stop mid-sentence as Courtney taps my shoulder to point at something at ice level. Looking in that direction, I see Emily standing there looking back at me as she signs autographs for a group of young girls. I try to smile back at her, but how can I, knowing what I will have to tell her later. I throw on the biggest fake smile I can muster. There’s no way I can tell her this news tonight. Then, I see her touch her necklace on the jumbo screen, and I know she’s telling me she’s thinking of me.

I head back into the suite once I know Emily has gone back into the tunnel. I grab a beer from the ice bucket and chug it back, trying to take away some of the pain I know is in my heart. Everyone else follows behind me, trying to figure out what is going on. “All right, that’s it. Spill the beans, asshole. What did the Monarchs coach want?” Dave demands.

Standing there in the middle of the room, rubbing my hands over my face, I let out a long breath as I say the words that will ultimately kill my relationship with Emily. “I’ve just been called up to the LA Kings. I leave in two days.”

The rest of the afternoon is a blur. I remember everyone asking me questions about what will happen once I leave. I don’t have any of those answers. I know I should be absolutely ecstatic about having my dream of playing for the NHL come true, but that dream was before I had Emily in my life. Dave tells me not to say anything tonight, which means I’ll have to tell her tomorrow that I’m leaving the next day. No matter what I do or how I say it, I am still leaving on a plane in two days away from Emily, again.

I call home during one of the breaks, thinking my parents might offer some advice. Mom answers and asks about Emily and how it is going. Before I can respond, I tell her to put Dad on the other cordless phone in the house. After I share the news about getting the call up to the Kings, I hear them shouting in excitement at first. Then, I hear Mom say with such torment in her voice, “Oh, Jeremy. Does Emily know?”

Mom tries to talk through every possible scenario she can to make this as pain-free as possible with Emily. None of them end with her coming with me to LA for the duration of the season. I have to let them go on the phone because Emily’s group is about to take the ice. They say they are happy for me and wish me all the luck in handling the news with Emily.

About fifteen minutes later, I see Emily emerge from the tunnel as Courtney points her out. I have been going back and forth with Dave on how to break the news to her. Once I see her take the ice, all arguments stop. She has a new dress for the long program, and I haven’t seen it yet. She told me before she left this morning that it is a custom-made Vera Yang or something like that. I had no idea what she meant, but the dress is stunning on her. She looks nervous for the first time since I’ve met her. Sitting here, I’m speechless. I can barely breathe as I feel each and every one of her nerves with her. Her coach gives her one last word of advice and then she makes her way toward center ice as her name is announced.

The music starts, and she moves gracefully with each new pitch of the violin that echoes through the arena. I am in a trance as I watch her move effortlessly through each move. Tears sting my eyes as she transforms fluidly into the character she represents. Are we the star-crossed lovers never meant to spend eternity together? Emily comes out of her final spin before gliding across the ice, holding her hand to her heart. All of us stand and yell as she takes her bows on the ice. How am I ever going to leave her in two days?

I stand on the podium accepting my gold medal proudly as my friends stand at ice level. After “The National Anthem” is played, I skate over to everyone as they give me big bear hugs over the boards. Jeremy gives me a kiss, and I can tell something is off, but can’t place it.

They all plan to meet at The Greatest Bar for a drink before heading home. I tell them I’ll meet them out at the front parking lot once I am done changing and packing my car. As I shut my trunk, I begin walking toward the front gate. Snow is falling at a steady pace, but nothing a person from New England can’t handle. Jeremy is standing there all bundled up with his winter cap and winter coat. His stance straightens when he sees me getting closer.